Has parenthood changed your view on your parents?

[Mara]

I should preface this by saying that my Mom and I have always had a good relationship. Sometimes better than other times but overall we are quite close.

She was a single parent until I was almost 8. She worked 2 jobs for years to help support us. I always knew that it might have been a little more rough on her than someone with 2 parents or a larger family, but thankfully she had my Grandma to help her out as well.

While I knew in my mind that she had gone the extra mile and I already had respect for her--it wasn't until I became a Mom myself that I really started to GET what her life must have entailed. Greg was gone for a week for work while J was 3 months old and every night after the baby was asleep I sat down and thought about how quiet and lonely the house felt--there was no one to share milestones with or just chat about my day. While I also appreciated the silence after a busy day--I also thought.. Gee this is what my Mom sat down to every single night for 8 years.

It struck me the other day while driving home (random!) how our lives have changed, how you KNOW that they will change but that you don't really get how until it's happened and you are looking back and marveling at it. And how it's almost impossible to keep your life from revolving around the baby or babies because they are so completely 1000% dependent on you. There's no 'do I want to do this today'...there is only 'I need to do this today' when it comes to baby care.

And then I had another thought which was... Gee when J is 15 or 20 or 25 or 30 he will be looking back on his childhood and judging how well he thinks we did based on how he turned out. Not even realizing or even appreciating all the thousands of little things that we did 'for him', in his 'best interests'...day in and day out...nor should he be expected to realize it since again you can't really comprehend... until he became a parent himself.

All this to say... that while I respected my Mom before, I love and respect her even more now that I realize every little thing she had to go through and how hard it must have been to be that single, unmarried woman at age 25 trying to make ends meet for her and her little girl. Even if I don't agree with everything she did/does or every decision she made, I think having this understanding makes me a better person, and better daughter.

Has anyone else reached this kind of strange epiphany after becoming a parent?

 

[somethingshiny]

My strange epiphany is two-fold.

I discovered how ingenious my mom was at not letting the kids know just how poor we were. She tried very hard to always make us feel special and she did such a great job that even the neighbor kids would rather be at our house pulling taffy than playing video games and having snacks. I really appreciate this about my mother.

When I was around 4 my dad started drinking heavily and when I was probably 10 or so my mom joined him. I have realized that my parents decisions to become alcoholics was the most selfish thing they could have ever chosen. I don't understand how anyone could make those choices when they have children depending on them.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yes, I have grown more tolerate because I realize now that parenthood does not essentially change who you are. I am still the same dumb a$$ I was before, but now I have a kid. So I think I am more accepting of my mom's foibles.

 

[Dreamer_D]

All this to say... that while I respected my Mom before, I love and respect her even more now that I realize every little thing she had to go through and how hard it must have been to be that single, unmarried woman at age 25 trying to make ends meet for her and her little girl. Even if I don't agree with everything she did/does or every decision she made, I think having this understanding makes me a better person, and better daughter.

My mom was also a single mom, but for the whole time I was growing up, and I feel the same way you do now, about the struggle it must have been. I am very thankful to have a loving supportive partner in parenting, my heart actually aches a little when I think of my mom and other single mother's doing it on their own.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I discovered how ingenious my mom was at not letting the kids know just how poor we were. She tried very hard to always make us feel special and she did such a great job that even the neighbor kids would rather be at our house pulling taffy than playing video games and having snacks. I really appreciate this about my mother.

I also agree with this. I was raised well below the poverty line, yet it never felt that way. My mom was really good at trying to ferrit out any opportunity she could so that I had a very enriched environment growing up.

 

[Mara]

I discovered how ingenious my mom was at not letting the kids know just how poor we were. She tried very hard to always make us feel special and she did such a great job that even the neighbor kids would rather be at our house pulling taffy than playing video games and having snacks. I really appreciate this about my mother.

I also agree with this. I was raised well below the poverty line, yet it never felt that way. My mom was really good at trying to ferrit out any opportunity she could so that I had a very enriched environment growing up.

Thritto this one. My Mom said we did not have a lot but I never felt it. She is a teacher as well so she would use her skills to help further me along without needing to buy too many things.

She said she always felt so badly when I wanted a new toy or a new pair of pants but she couldn't get it for me. Do I remember any of that? Heck no. In fact--she knitted me 3-4 pairs of baby/toddler pants (out of necessity), which I thought were the coolest thing ever, and when I found out I was pregnant the first thing I told her was I wanted her to make pants for my baby too.

Dreamer... re: the single parent, I totally feel the same way. It's incredibly hard, which you KNOW from an intelligence perspective, but you don't REALIZE. People used to say things like...'you'll understand what I mean when you have kids'... in fact my MOM said that a time or 300, and you think...'pshawww...I'm smart, I get what you mean'...but you really can't have that same appreciation for it until you do IMO.

My life is a cliche!

 

[qtiekiki]

No, parenthood had not changed my views on my parents. But I understand their actions and logics behind them, both past and present, better. I mean I know why they did/do what they did/do, but now I UNDERSTOOD. I should also say that I have always have a great relationship with my parents, and think they did a good job with my sisters and me. I don't appreciate them more because I've always thought they did and provided everything they could for us, and appreciated them for that.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think my ex boss said it best. She always had issues with her mom, but once she had her son (at 40), she one day in tears, simply asked her mom,

"Did you love me, THIS much?"

To which her mother just smiled that soft, knowing smile and replied, "Yes, I do."

I really know how much they love me now, and it's humbling.

 

[Cehrabehra]

The biggest epiphany I had was about my mother in law and having sons. I've known my MIL since I was 5 and we get on very well, but when her son and I got married there was still a bit of that, "he's mine now bitch" undercurrent on my part and an, "I'll always know him better than you because we're blood" thing going on for her. Mostly, but not entirely unspoken. It irritated me and looking back I took the cleaving unto me a bit too much though not nearly as much as other women I've seen. I think it's really normal to go through that as long as it doesn't become a contest. I'm somewhat overstating the severity of the issue, but nonetheless when I had my first son and was holding him one day and it hit me - some hussy is going to get him to fall in love and she's going to take him away and make him spend christmas with HER family! I found myself feeling angry about a girl who probably hadn't even been born yet! And from that I felt such compassion for my mother in law - telling my husband he should call her, encouraging him to sit with her on the couch... like I said, for the sake of this post I am condensing a lot and it was never bad between us, but I definitely had a shift in how I felt about my mother in law after I had sons. Daughter's *tend* (generalization anyone?) to stay closer to their moms so I didn't really have those feelings with my daughter.