Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like you.

[TravelingGal]

So this is a hot topic in my house right now.

I remember at a very early age not liking my dad. He wasn't very loving. I'm sure he loved me, but he was always barking at me and not affectionate at all. I ALWAYS preferred my mother over my father, and it simply never changed. Seriously, my earliest recollections are of not liking my dad...I'm talking probably somewhere at the 3 year old range.

So the question is, at what point is it normal for kids to favor one parent over the other, and at one point do you think it's because the kid just doesn't really like one parent for whatever reason?

 

[Porridge]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I favoured my dad when I was young, and my mum during my teenage years.

 

[fieryred33143]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I think they all go through phases where they prefer one person over the other. Sometimes it's dad, sometimes mom, sometimes the dog But it has little to do with who they love. Just offering them a cookie or taking time to color with them makes you their bff. I remember when I was taking care of my cousin's 5 year old. Because I spent all of the afternoon with her, she was absolutely obsessed with me. Then my cousin's brother visited and took her to disney and well, I can't compete with Disney so she wasn't too happy with staying with me after that

That said, kids are not stupid. When they are around someone who is always negative towards them, they will develop a dislike for that person and not want to be around them.

I don't know what the age would be. I think it has more to do with their emotional development. I understood a lot more about my surroundings at a young age than my brothers did when they were the same age.

 

[ChinaCat]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Not sure from the parent experience, O isn't really old enough yet. Though he does seem to get more excited to see Dad than me at this point.

As a kid, I definitely liked my mom more. My dad and I were too much alike and butted heads a lot. But that evened out and now I am great friends with both.

Kids have funny perspectives though. As a little kid, I thought my Grandma and Grandpa W were my favorites because they had this huge rambling house with acres and horses and everytime we were over there, I had like 10 cousins to play with so it was a blast. Whereas my other grandmother took care of us often, she read us stories and rocked us to sleep and cooked for us, we had Sunday dinner at her house every weekend. As a kid I thought I liked G&G more cause their house was more fun. As I got older I realized how much closer I was to Grandma B and how blessed I was to have her in my life. Even though I still love Grandma W, there is a distance and a difference in our relationships. My affection as a child was based on how much fun I had at their house, not on the person themselves.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

DD is definitely partial to DH. They're just two peas in a pod really. I'm a little rough around the edges and have a tendency to be zero tolerance (which I'm working on) and DH is more flexible and just generally more laid back. I think that's definitely normal but I'm not sure what age it starts.

As a kid, I didn't really like my dad either. My parents split when I was 3 and I always threw a fit when I had to go on custody visits. In addition to him having different house rules than my mom (just for the sake of it), he was just kind of mean. Even in hindsight, I can't understand why he was pissed all of the time. He and I don't speak now because we just don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING. He has isolated us each one at a time - me being first.

 

[JulieN]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

For me and my siblings, we were a bit older, maybe somewhere like 8-10 years old when we HATED our parents, specifically our mom. My sister and I wanted to run away, and my brother wanted to kill himself.

It is normal for kids to prefer a parent, because maybe that parent lets them have cookies, or buys them toys, or something like that. But if a kid hates a parent, usually for being unfair, or overly mean, that is quite normal, too.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Haha, my husband always gets sad because Micah clearly prefers me over him - he's becoming a mama's boy because I spend more time with him than anyone else, I play with him constantly, and I never make him wait for a bottle until he's freaking out.

I agree with fiery, though. Every word.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

While I was BFing, Amelia preferred me. Since then, she barely glances in my direction some days, it's all about Daddy.

They are very similar and just seem to be so close. He always knows what she's trying to say and what she wants (I have to guess a lot, and a lot of the time I'm wrong). She goes to him first, usually. I'm a poor second, kicked to the curb when Daddy come into a room. It would be cute, if it wasn't so annoying. I mean, I gave you life itself, kid. Can't you prefer me?

She's a very affectionate child, and loves to be hugged and snuggled with. If DH isn't there or is busy, I'll do.

Jen

ETA I don't think it's because she doesn't actually like me, just that she likes him better.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Edit!

 

[Mara]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

China... funny you say about O being more excited to see Dad than you. J totally is like that. I get home from work and he smiles at me but isn't like overly jazzed. When G gets home he's all smiley, happy, watching him etc. Tonite I had a work event so we switched. I get home and G reports that J was a super crab and had a melt down and wouldn't eat his purees. J is all happy, super sunny, smiley at me and giggly. He eats what I offer him happily, giggling in between. G is like what the heck. The tables turned..maybe you should try that with O!! hehe.

TG...interested in the responses..I have heard from a few friends that the kids go through 'phases' of interest in each parent over the other and that it can have something to do with how the kid can relate. aka a few of my friends husbands said the kids were not that into them until almost around age 2 and then it was all about Daddy for a while...then it might switch back and forth regularly. I think of it more as 'interest' rather than who they love more.

 

[yssie]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

when I screwed up it was all about daddy, when I wanted some new object it was all about daddy, when I wanted permission for something it was all about mum...

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I love and like both my parents but I'm definitely closer with my mom. She took me everywhere when I was little (she was a SAHM) while my dad worked, so I just spent more time with her, and now that I'm older, she and I have a lot more similar interests. Plus, she's the one I talk to about relationships, etc.

However, I've definitely grown to appreciate my dad a lot more as I got older (right around the time I started college). I'll talk to my mom more about my personal life, but about things like jobs, school, etc. I prefer to talk to my dad because he "gets" it more than she does.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

This is making me think of a thread I started a while back in my previous incarnation as Mrs Mitchell, about what makes a good mother. So many people shared their experiences of their mothers, good and bad. There was a lot in that thread that I've taken to heart as much as possible, because there were some recurring themes. I think that while day to day, our kids might not like us, if we have their best interests at heart, they will always love us. There will be hard decisions for every parent to make and some will make us temporarily unpopular, but hopefully still loved in the long run. My daughter is daddy's girl, likely always will be and that's just fine by me so long as she and I still have a very strong relationship too.



Jen

 

[ChinaCat]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Ditto Mara about "interest" rather than love. I think there is a difference b/w normal parent/child relationships and the ebb/flow interest in each parent, and what TGal seems to hint out which is an all out preference, perhaps due to a real reason. TGal, not referring to you and TGuy, but your comment about your dad.

For example, I have a close friend whose DH is not around much, and was not around for the first 6 months of the daughter's life (due to work/travel circumstances, not due to separation or divorce). The little girl is exceptionally close to her mom, almost eerily, but worships her dad. To me, that is different than O smiling more at me or DH or wanting one of us to pick him up more. The girl "likes" her mom better b/c she is all she had. But she craves her dad's attention, because he isn't around much.

And Mara- Oh don't get me wrong, O definitely "needs" me more, I can calm him down, get him to sleep, get him to eat, all of those things way better than DH. And when he's tired or cranky, he wants me. But he does this hysterical excited jig when DH walks in the door that I don't get. It's so cute to watch him do it, I don't mind. Dad is definitely the "fun" one. We are a good team, thankfully. Luckily I am of the mindset that my job is to raise him to be a healthy, happy but independent individual. And of course I want to be close to him and have him "like" me, but my job is not to be his friend, it's to be his mom. Hopefully if I do it right, then when he's grown we will be friends and he will actually enjoy having dinner with his parents, like I do with mine.

Tgal, interested in what prompted this discussion, if you are ok sharing.

 

[Sabine]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I remember liking both of my parents when I was young, wanting both to spend as much time as possible with me, etc. I was ecstatic if my dad would play catch with me in the yard, and I was always around my mom, and I clearly remember sitting down to watch a family movie and getting upset if my mom tried to read, do her nails, etc. during the movie because I wanted her to pay attention and like it as much as I did.

By the time I was 10 or so, my mom and I started butting heads and my dad wasn't around much, and things went downhill from there...but up until that point I liked them both.

Dh and I think it's hilarious that if one of us is holding Jacks, and he sees the other, he'll reach out for them, so we hand him over, then he turns, sees the other parent, we hand him back, etc. Musical parents.

But he does get excited for dh to come home in a way I don't get the few times I go out without him and come home...think it has to do with the fact that he spends almost all day every day with me and dh is gone most days. He follows me around more than dh currently, but gets more excited when he does play with dh.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I think this thread is dealing with two different issues. One is the feeling that a child is a "Daddy's girl" or "Mama's boy" (or Daddy's boy etc.), that one parent is preferred or that the parent and child are two "peas in a pod" and the other parent doesn't fit into the club. The other idea is that a parent is toxic or dysfunctional and that at some point in childhood the child starts pulling away from the "rotten" parent. Both are normal, but I'd guess that the former happens almost all of the time, and the latter only happens in cases of dysfunction.

My mother and I are very similar; I'm an INTJ, and I believe she's an ISTJ. My dad was an ENFJ. He was always in our business, practically obsessed with our lives (you wouldn't leave your journals or letters lying around because you knew Dad would read them. Mom, on the other hand, would never ask your business). He was kind of gross (carried around and used and reused this handkerchief in his pocket). I loved my Dad completely, and in many ways he was preferable to my mother in his devotion and affection (which were not readily apparent in my reticent mother), but because of his awkward jokes and Dad grossness, I'd say all three of us "preferred" our mother. I guess that's kind of funny, though, because she's so stoic and never tried to make us prefer her.

On the other hand, something I'm seeing as a mother to a 9 month old is that when she seems to prefer Daddy, it means she's happy and secure in having her mama. Mama is always around; Mama always changes her diaper; Mama always comes when she cries. So when Daddy comes home, she jumps for joy. I know that when she seems to prefer DH, it's because we have created an environment where she can take me for granted, and that's a good thing, I think.

 

[soocool]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Growing up I was definitely a daddy's girl. My mom wanted a real girly-girl and she had that with my older sister. My dad sensed that I wasn't happy so he doted on me. He taught me to fish, play catch, and much more which were all the things my sister hated to do. My dad was a craftsman and I spent all my time in his workroom, mainly cleaning up but he imparted much of his wisdom on me from a man's perspective. Perhaps that is why I understand and get along very easily with my DH.

As for DD, we make sure that she spends equal time with each parent separately so that she shares something special with each of us. So DD golfs, can work on cars, and watches sports with DH, while she loves to shop, get glamed up at the salon, and cooks with me. There are many things we all do together, but when I plan a special dinner she is right there in the kitchen with me cooking her sidedish or preparing a dessert. She was also sitting right there next to DH watching the World Cup. She is also the one who waked DH up early to go golfing...she likes an early tee time so she can go shopping later.

 

[TravelingGal]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

Thanks everyone for sharing and your interesting input!

China, I don't mind sharing at all. In a nutshell, I am the primary caregiver. I feed, I bathe, I entertain. This is mostly because TGuy works out of the home and I am here. Honestly, some days I do think I am supermom, because I do it all. Of course, other days I'm a lazy, passed out on the couch slug!

Anyway, as you probably know, I'm pretty full on when it comes to boundaries and discipline. However I firmly believe that part of what makes discipline effective is the love and fun to balance it out. Children take to discipline and boundaries much better when they like who it's coming from and when they want to please you. In fact, I think this is human nature in general. In addition to being the caretaker, I am the fun parent. I have a goofier sense of humor and a more imaginative mind in keeping her occupied. It's just the difference in TGuy's and my personalities.

TGuy is awesome in that he's 100% on board with discipline. He supports me (and I, him) and we provide a united front. But his time with her is so limited, I do think it would be advantageous to him if he focused more on love and affection instead of picking all the battles. That's my job, ha! When I'm in the middle of disciplining her, or asking her to do something, I don't need him to bark at Amelia too (even though I know he's doing it to back me up). Why? Because she's getting it from me...doesn't need both parents have at-ing it for her.

I had noticed that she wasn't as into him lately. Doesn't want to say goodnight to him, etc. Part of it, I think is just a phase. But just in case, TGuy and I had a discussion where I simply asked him to leave me at it when I'm dealing with her. I really appreciate him because he takes advice to heart, and I've noticed he's stepped it up in the fun department. She still prefers me, but is a bit more into him the last couple of weeks.

I think it's basic conditioning...if, during the limited time she sees him, she always gets in trouble, she's not going to be too keen to see him! And in the meantime, I have to understand that TGuy is not my father and I have to get my own worries/anxieties based on my experiences under control.

Parenting...such a work in progress!

 

[diamondringlover]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

I never really liked my Dad and I remember from a very early age not liking him...he was a mean, verbally and physically abusive alcholic and I am pretty sure I am supressing some memories that are better left suppressed...I know he did some pretty ugly things to both my sisters that they remember, but I dont remember any ugly stuff...the man is dead now and has been for about 8 years, I am sure he isnt liking his time burning in hell where he belongs....sorry didnt mean to vent. On the other hand I have always adored my Mom, dont know how she put up with him all those years, I think she was a saint lol....she is now happily remarried

 

[lili]

Re: Just because your kids doesn't mean they have to like yo

TGal--
You and my sister are one in the same when it comes to disciplining and her hubby's "barking" at the kids ^.^