WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

[nicoleben]

Ah, so i cringe that im even writing this but here goes!! Some bad, some good!!

So.. yesterday I was having a breakdown moment, ( ladies, you know what im talking about!).. and well.. it ended up getting very heated.. He got so pissed off and said.. August 14th! Your graduation Party! Are you happy now!? and I said, "No!!!!!!!! YOu just ruined it!!" I was so mad at myself for getting him to the point of no return! So after we cooled down and I explained to him why i was up so upset, he apologized too for blurting out the date, but i made sure that he changed it so i had a surprise!

I explained to him that it did not have to be this big to-do in front of all of our families, I would be happy with an at home proposal, just him and i. I just think its sweet. (he wanted it in front of both of our families, his parents, my parents, his brother, my entire family, i understand why he would)

I admit being a baby, i ruined it myself! But, he agreed he would change it so i had some element of surprise when he did decide to do it..

On top of that, He showed me somethinIg on his phone, a text message sent from his mom, but when he went upstairs to change, i snooped through it.. :\ see if there were any calls from the jeweler, or anything, and i found a text he sent his mom saying " Mom, i need my credit card" so she asks, "what do you need it for?" and he said "its a secret, hehehehe" and his mom says "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" she cant wait to make me her daughter in law haha..she says it all the time!! so Im assuming, he is paying off the ring TODAY! or the weekend, whichever! but still!!!

I know i shouldnt have snooped, i am just so excited!!!! Im sooo bad!

 

[Prana]

you know it's coming soon so STOP! All of your memories of your engagement are going to be of stress and pressure. Relax

 

[nicoleben]

I know! from this day forward im going to relax.. Its so hard when I am not in control of everything! I am on medication because of this lol. I am laughing because at times it could be really funny to my boyfriend... Ah, i just have to keep reminding myself to relax and breathe and let it come to me.!

 

[Nashville]

I honestly don't understand why you insist on this being a surprise anymore. You seem to want to know/squeeze out of him every detail.

At this point it's gone too far. I say this as someone who's been a LIW, stop. It's not cute, it's a lot of pressure that just doesn't need to be there. This is NOT how you or he wants to remember this time. Stop obsessing over your engagement!!!! For you own sanity!!

 

[nicoleben]

I wanted the month, and i would have been satisfied! I know this was my fault.. However, im so excited. Some people are more laid back, and some others are not. There are plenty of girls who know the date, round about time, and there are girls who tend to get a little upset quite often with their bF's because they just want to know. We allllll want the surprise, but we also want to know around when. And i see nothing wrong with that. yes i know i need to relax, and i am planning on doing that from now on.. as best as i can. Like i have said before, if im not in control of certain situations, it drives me crazy. It has come to the point of i Will not let him drive all of the time (dont get me wrong, he drives a lot) but to the point of saying. Im driving , i cant stand someone else being in control of the drivers seat.. If hes not driving fast enough or if hes driving too fast, i cringe in my seat... shut my mouth because i know its definately a control issue .. and i just have to let it go, but sometimes its really hard to shut my head up!

 

[sctsbride09]

Take this advice however you like, since its coming from an old married lady Hon, you need to relax! And enjoy this part of your life, You will never get this time back! Also, have you ever thought about how you are making your BF feel? This is exciting for him, too, and he has the right to keep some things regarding the proposal a secret. Keep in mind that when you are married, neither person is in "control", both should have equal amounts of "control" for a happy marriage. The sooner you realize this, the better. You love him right? Then TRUST HIM that he knows you and listens to you. I swear Im not trying to be mean, you seem like a very sweet girl, and Im very excited for you! Its coming soon, so relax, have a glass of wine (not right now its early haha), whatever it takes to just chill.

 

[Nashville]

I guess I don't understand why you don't spare yourself the torture and go ring shopping together, then plan a romantic night out and let him ask you. Instead of having screaming fights, tears, and cell phone snooping. And having him blurt out his proposal plans under pressure and you telling him you want something more intimate. But still a surprise.

I guess I'm too old to get it

There are going to be a lot of things you don't have control over when you're married. It's a life of compromise, and sometimes trusting your life partner to take the wheel, in more ways than one. Try getting ready for that concept instead of obsessing about the proposal and you'll be better for it, I promise.

 

[Indylady]

 

[nicoleben]

Nashville- I guess i didnt explain, I have already picked out the ring, we went shopping together, and its beautiful! exactly what i wanted, but we made an agreement that if i helped him pick out my ring, then i had to leave the proposal up to him (obviously! lol)
He has been making payments on it for months, so when i saw the credit card text I was excited because I know hes ready to just get it!

I know I upset him that I ruined the surprise, and i feel awful! but he does want to pick another day to do it, which is perfect.

I know the control thing is rough.. it sucks actually.. but if i sit there and remind myself to cool down.. Im usually ok.. Last nigt, not so much.. errrrr

 

[winelover23]

Um, you need a REALITY CHECK! Seriously, you're looking at his texts? You really need to get some good karma going on so I'd suggest helping a little old lady across the road or something.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I know you're excited but in all seriousness you need to stop. Back off and give him space to do his own thing. I would have been gone LONG ago if I were a guy and my gf was displaying this kind of obnoxious behavior.

 

[damons]

I have a feeling that you are going to be in the same situation you were in before. You are going to have to defend yourself, because your actions are seriously out of control.

To be honest, if I was your boyfriend, I would be doing some serious thinking. You said that you agreed that he would make the proposal plans. He did that, and now he has to change them because you nagged him so much. Maybe he put the remaining balance on his credit card because he felt like he HAD to.

Don't even get me started on the snooping of the texts. I would be out the door! Regardless of what you were looking for, it is not okay to snoop. If you don't have trust in your relationship, then the proposal plans are the least of your problems.

 

[Girlrocks]

Oh boy, I hate to jump on the bandwagon, and I rarely venture into this section, but, wow.

1. Snooping through his phone....big no-no. Even though you are going to be married, you still need to respect his privacy. My DH and I have been married 11 years, and he won't even answer my cell phone.

2. If he's been making payments on it for months, and now he wants to use his credit card so he can "just get it"...you're happy about that? I personally would prefer to wait a bit longer so he can continue to make the payments on it and not put it on a card.

I hope that you do chill for the next month or so. You are sooooo young, enjoy this time of your life.

ETA-I was looking at a few of your other posts, and it seems like you have pretty much already planned your wedding, and you were upset when his brother and gf could potentially get engaged and married before you, etc...I'm sorry, but your boyfriend is a saint for putting up with all of this pressure. Poor guy.

 

[calamityJJJ]

Ditto...

 

[calamityJJJ]

I'm quite confused by all of this. What is the point?
You can't control your boyfriend like some kind of puppet master. At this point, you might as well propose to him.
And snooping is not cool.

 

[decodelighted]

I see about a hundred red flags in this post. Years. Of. Therapy. Ahead.

 

[RaiKai]

I do not even really want to touch this with a 10-foot pole as my reaction was the same as Indy's (and I am going back to your other thread that I JUST posted on before seeing this thread).....but I will ditto all the other posters, ALL of them.

Seriously, if you do not learn to back off, and not to make everything all about you and your impulses and wants ALL the time, you are going to have a really tough struggle ahead.

I too would be doing some serious thinking if I was your boyfriend, because I have seen what happens with these sorts of dynamics many times over. In all honesty, I do not think you are ready to get married, yet. And you are not someone I would want to be marrying, as there are way too many red flags coming up here for me.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

To be honest, if I were your BF, I would be running right now. As someone who is, admittedly, rather anal-retentive, even I find your actions so far beyond reasonable that red flags are going up all over the place.

Snooping - not cool.
Pressuring your BF and ruining your own proposal - not cool.

I read your other thread and refrained from posting, but between that and this thread, all I'm getting from you is what YOU want, when YOU want it, regardless of what he planned or what he wants. Jeez, you've got to chill out and give your poor BF a break.

 

[monarch64]

Oh. Dear. God.

I don't even know what to say.

 

[nicoleben]

i agreed what i did was wrong. The phone thing wasnt "im going to look through your phone while your not here and IM going to find bad things on you!! " it wasnt a trust thing, my boyfreind and i are open books, we know every in and out or everything. He gave me his phone to read a text from his mom, he went upstairs and i scrolled through the rest to find engagement hints! I would NEVER think that my boyfriend is cheating, talking to other people, NOTHING like that! at all!! When he came back stairs i showed him what i saw and we laughed together. i didnt hide it from him because i had nothing to hide. This was 3 hours after the argument we just had. In a way i kinda felt that maybe he wanted me to stumble across it.

I take everyones response with a grain of salt only because no one knows the whole situation, whats going on in our lives, or anything for that matter. I know our situation, I know some things ive done are WRONG, but i do know that this is the man who im going to marry. He is the most kind hearted person in the world and he knew exactly what he was getting into when we started going together. Ive known him for 7 years prior to us being an "item" and he knows who i am without explanation. He knows that ive been through, as i do for him. I dont ask anyone to understand the situation so I do not post it..

Yes, i was pushy. But i want to change that. I even told him that we do not have to do this right now and he insists thats what he wants in his life. He tells me this all of the time. He said hes never been so excited and ready to start a life with someone until it came to me.

And honestly, if someone is getting therapy or has some control issues etc is that any reason for someone to say SEE YA, i just kind of find that shallow. Especially when its not debilitating to anyones lives. Its just another bridge to get over. and help each other with along the way.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I know you're excited, but I think you're going overboard. I'd never ever snoop on my fiancee's texts. Heck, when she tells me to get something from her nightstand drawer with permission I cringe because I feel like that's her personal space.

Try to relax and I think you owe him an apology. He's probably wondering what he's gotten himself into.

 

[Anonymous]

Hrm...

Well, I don't know what your relationship is with your BF in terms of openness. If you guys regularly share stuff like texts, emails, etc. then maybe it's not a HUGE red flag that you "snooped". My FI and I have complete transparency with these things, there's just no reason that we have to hide our texts/emails/etc. from each other. So the fact that you read a text from his mom isn't a big deal IF it's a normal thing for BOTH of you (he can read yours, you can read his and nobody is uncomfortable with the arrangement).

That said...if you KNOW that he's planning something, you need to realize that how you're behaving is really unfair to your BF. I know there are a LOT of important times in a relationship, however the time leading up to proposing is supposed to be a time of trust, love, and understanding. I don't pretend to know the whole story, so maybe your BF is getting those things - but your posts seem to say that he isn't. Now isn't the time to be snooping, angry, overly emotional and generally making the guy nuts. He already spent more money on your ring than he's probably spent on any other gift in his lifetime...let the poor guy have his "control" for just a little while.

I think all of this could have been avoided with a bit of clear communication and level headed forethought on your behalf. If you had said "honey I really would like to know what month it is - and that's all" or whatever time span you truly would feel comfortable enough with to stop bugging him about it, then actually STOPPED bugging him/looking for clues - your BF probably would feel a lot more positively about the whole thing...and I'd bet you would as well.

I hope my post doesn't come off as too harsh. I know that you're trying to be calm, and most times you are...it's just the times that you lose it, you REALLY seem to lose it. Doing that only makes for an engagement that feels forced to hurry it up so you'll stop freaking out. He already feels like he has to ask his mom for his credit card to pay it off faster - which means he's been pressured into going into debt on a card that probably has at least a 10% interest rate. As much as I wanted to get engaged sooner, there's NO way I'd encourage my FI to go into debt to make that happen.

 

[nicoleben]

I hate the fact of the control thing, but i do not do it for everything. I hate surpises but i do and will be surprised. Yea i ruined the actual date, but its nothing that cant be changed. Every single one of you are right, kind of. Like i said, only because you do not know the whole situation. Yupp, i was being pushy. Do i want to change that? Definately. Thanks for the posts everyone. I hope everyone gets the engagement their wishing for. Dust to all. I will no longer be on here. Because im actually crying over this post, as childish and sad as that is. Its just a very tough time for me, more things i just dont want to explain.. So.. take care.

 

[amc80]

I was hesitant to reply to this thread because I didn't want to be just another person commenting on how your actions are less than mature...so instead I'll try to offer some advice.

You've admitted that you are a control freak and that you can't help yourself from controlling the whole engagement process. It sounds like you don't trust your boyfriend to propose to you the way YOU want him to, when YOU want it. I know it's easy to think of the proposal as something he's doing for you, I mean, after all, he is the one who does it, and you're the one who will get the ring. But you should be honored that he wants to propose to you. The man you love is paying you the ultimate respect by asking you to be his, forever. It's not just a fancy dinner and a ring, it's the rest of your lives. He wants to share a household with you, and he wants you to (presumably) carry and give birth to his children. You in turn need to be grateful, patient, and graceful throughout the process. You should feel lucky and thankful that you are the one he is choosing. On the flip side, he should feel the exact same way about you, thankful and honored that you are going to marry him. As of now, it sounds like you are acting like a spoiled brat, whining, crying, and throwing a fit that he's not doing things your way, on your schedule. It seriously reminds me of a child who is going into hysterics because they can't have their dessert before dinner.

At the end of the day, we aren't talking about a proposal, a ring, an engagement, or a wedding- we are talking about a MARRIAGE. Honestly, if I were your boyfriend, that little stunt would have set any proposal plans back by several months, in order to make sure you posses the maturity needed to handle a future marriage.

 

[nicoleben]

Hrm...

Well, I don't know what your relationship is with your BF in terms of openness. If you guys regularly share stuff like texts, emails, etc. then maybe it's not a HUGE red flag that you "snooped". My FI and I have complete transparency with these things, there's just no reason that we have to hide our texts/emails/etc. from each other. So the fact that you read a text from his mom isn't a big deal IF it's a normal thing for BOTH of you (he can read yours, you can read his and nobody is uncomfortable with the arrangement).

That said...if you KNOW that he's planning something, you need to realize that how you're behaving is really unfair to your BF. I know there are a LOT of important times in a relationship, however the time leading up to proposing is supposed to be a time of trust, love, and understanding. I don't pretend to know the whole story, so maybe your BF is getting those things - but your posts seem to say that he isn't. Now isn't the time to be snooping, angry, overly emotional and generally making the guy nuts. He already spent more money on your ring than he's probably spent on any other gift in his lifetime...let the poor guy have his "control" for just a little while.

I think all of this could have been avoided with a bit of clear communication and level headed forethought on your behalf. If you had said "honey I really would like to know what month it is - and that's all" or whatever time span you truly would feel comfortable enough with to stop bugging him about it, then actually STOPPED bugging him/looking for clues - your BF probably would feel a lot more positively about the whole thing...and I'd bet you would as well.

I hope my post doesn't come off as too harsh. I know that you're trying to be calm, and most times you are...it's just the times that you lose it, you REALLY seem to lose it. Doing that only makes for an engagement that feels forced to hurry it up so you'll stop freaking out. He already feels like he has to ask his mom for his credit card to pay it off faster - which means he's been pressured into going into debt on a card that probably has at least a 10% interest rate. As much as I wanted to get engaged sooner, there's NO way I'd encourage my FI to go into debt to make that happen.

Tammy- your response was perfect. thank you. You understood that we r open with each other and have no problem going through each others stuff, this is actually the first time i even laid my hand on his phone and scrolled through.. however, he doesnt care! because he has othing to hide and either do i. I did apologize, and all he did was hug me. He knows the boat im in, he knows im stressed out. He is my rock. Once again, thank you for a clear and reasonable response .. i really appreciate it.

 

[shihtzulover]

I understand that you're super-excited about this, and that you want it to be really soon.

I think that nagging him will just make the whole situation more stressful. You already know that he has the ring and that the proposal will come soon, so try to relax.

Is there something else that you can focus your attention on instead? It seems that you have reached the point of obsession with the proposal. Also, the more you ask about it, the more he might put it off - because he wants to plan a special surprise, and if you are asking, then it won't feel like much of a surprise.

Maybe if you start thinking about something else (work, friends, pets, working out, pretty much anything else that is important to you), then you will not dwell on the proposal so much.

Good luck!

 

[sctsbride09]

Why is it that you think the only posts that are "reasonable" (your words, not mine)are the ones where people agree with you? No offense, but when you ask people advice on PS, we are going to be honest with you, because after all some of us have been there and would like to help you. Help in the form of advice is not always going to be what you want to hear, sometimes its what you NEED to hear. And all the ladies here have given you reasonable, well thought out advice, and all you do is dump on them. I have to say, at this point, I think you are too immature to get married. I and other PSer Im sure, are/were excited for your impending engagement, but we are not here to YES MAAM you, if you cant take the heat (even on low, btw, because believe me Ive seen people get flamed more than you) get out of the kitchen. I for one will not be responding to anymore of your posts, because you dont really want advice anyway.

 

[beezygal]

Well... you got me excited for a second. I thought you're engaged!

tsk tsk tsk nicole. Why are we taking turn on our breakdown moment? You told me not to say anything to mine and you went to bug your bf. It's hard not to want to know, huh???

I'm excited for you! Hope he'll propose sooner than that!

 

[Anonymous]

Why is it that you think the only posts that are "reasonable" (your words, not mine)are the ones where people agree with you? No offense, but when you ask people advice on PS, we are going to be honest with you, because after all some of us have been there and would like to help you. Help in the form of advice is not always going to be what you want to hear, sometimes its what you NEED to hear. And all the ladies here have given you reasonable, well thought out advice, and all you do is dump on them. I have to say, at this point, I think you are too immature to get married. I and other PSer Im sure, are/were excited for your impending engagement, but we are not here to YES MAAM you, if you cant take the heat (even on low, btw, because believe me Ive seen people get flamed more than you) get out of the kitchen. I for one will not be responding to anymore of your posts, because you dont really want advice anyway.

I actually only really agreed on the whole "maybe it's not THAT out of line for her to look at texts based on what's normal and acceptable for THEIR relationship" thing. I said a lot of other stuff...but I do feel that from her response the less agreeable things were skimmed/missed. Anyhow, just tossing my "hey I didn't say that I am on board with this!" out there I guess...

 

[Jessie702]

Hon, im gonna say this as nicely as i can .. you need to lay off the man. Let him doing his planning and give him space to do that. Personally if i were, and this is just me. I would make you wait longer for nagging me so much, but thats me. You nagging him is taking away the specialness of the whole waiting and engagement process, like most of the ladies have said here. You need to, and not try, but need to, leave him alone and enjoy being a LIW. In a little over a year, you will be a married woman, and will look back on these times. Also, you dont want him, even though he wont tell you, to feel pressured into this decision. No matter what you say, about him saying, " o no, this is his choice", if you keep nagging him, its going to lead him into thinking more and feeling pressured. I can gurantee that. So just sit back, Relax, and enjoy.