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Marrying a man who's been married before

blacksand

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Mar 31, 2010
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889
This has been on my mind for a while. I’ve formulated several posts, but ending up scrapping them all in embarrassment. The fact of the matter is I realize I’m being a bit jealous, immature, and selfish. I know I need to suck it up for the love of my boyfriend. But I’m having some trouble coping. I’m hoping you can be a sounding board, maybe share similar experiences you may have, or tell me I’m being ridiculous, if that’s the case!

Here’s the story: my boyfriend was married before. Honestly, this never bothered me at all until recently. His ex is completely out of the picture. No children, no shared assets, nothing. A clean break. I did fear complications with his family and friends when they first met me, but it turns out none of them liked her, and they’re all wonderful to me. My boyfriend harbors no feelings for his ex, doesn’t talk much about her, but doesn’t hide anything if I ask, and goes out of his way to make it clear that I am the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Seriously, he’s amazing, and I’m very lucky. Even my parents, who are devout Catholics and were not fond of the idea of my dating a divorced man, put that aside immediately after meeting him. They adore him and are eager for us to start a family of our own.

So everything should be perfect. And most of the time, it is. But since we’ve been thinking more and more about engagement and marriage, a nasty feeling has crept up on me. I don’t like it, but I can’t shake it. It bothers me that he has proposed to another woman. That he has picked out a ring, agonized over the perfect proposal, announced the engagement to family and friends, planned a wedding, bought a house, and prepared to spend his life with another woman. This is COMPLETELY hypocritical of me, and I know it. Though I have not been officially engaged before, I have certainly mentally planned a wedding and a life together with an ex of mine, and had every intention of going through with it. I realize this is not much different from what my boyfriend did. I realize it was just a relationship that didn’t work out, and everyone has a past. Believe me, I don’t like feeling this way. But it just…bothers me.

I know the answer is to either get over it or break up. I basically have to suck it up. But I’m wondering if anyone has anyone experience with this or sage words for me. Any ideas to help me get past this?
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
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No real words of wisdom, but good for you for getting this off of your chest. Often stuff like this can kind of simmer under the surface for a while and come up as a bigger problem later, so I think it's great that you're trying to figure out how to solve this problem.
 

Jessie702

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Joined
Mar 29, 2009
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I know excatly how you feel. C has been married twice before, once when he was in his 20's and it lasted a year. Than again in his 30's. I know the thoughts that are going through your head, and i dont know how to tell you to really deal with it. I know for me, i alwqays think to myself" He left her for a reason, and loves you completely. No worries, he wouldnt be with you, if he didnt love you." I know that, that is such a simple phrase to tell myself, but when i find myself thikning about that, i have to tell myself that. Also, C still lives in the house, that she lived in. I guess you could say, that its going to be my house too when we get married. I had though and talked ot him about buying a new house, but after talking to him, and looking at fiances i realized its not necessary. About 2 years into us dating, i told him, that i dont like the fact that you still live in the house, that your ex was in. I also told him that i feel like theres still too much of 'her' here. After expressing my concerns, he informed me that MOST if not all of the decorating was all him, and his ideas, but he knew how i felt. So after that, he let me put my personal touch on the house, i guess you could say. I picked out the color of paint for one of our walls. Its a Huge room, so we only did one wall a berry cobbler color. He didnt have any furniture in the room besides a drum set, so we took his mothers nice couches(she passed away) and put them in that room. It works nicely sicne they are beige and Gold, and match the wall perfectly. We are looking at buying some art for that room, since it has such nice wall space. Also, i spoke with him about the bed, and bedroom. I understand about him not wanting to get rid of the bed, its a waterbed, with such a nice cabinet and mirror. So we opted for new sheets, me pickingt hem out. New Pillows, and a new bed set. We choose a green with a orient feeling to match the rest of the room decor he picked out. I have my own cabinet that is close to the window along with a chesser draw and closet space. We are also looking at painting a room we called the pegiun room.Also, i got to kinda of decorate a spare room we have, it just has a day bed from his mothers house(he is very attached to some of her things) and we put up nice curtains, and a sewing machine. I want to get a nice chair for that room. According to him, there was nothin in that room while his ex was there. This room is kinda a tribute to his mother, we have some of her clothes in there and things close to her. I hoping in a few years to possibly make this room a baby room if we decide to have kids. So i understand the feelings you are going through. You just have to talk to him about how you are feeling. Talking helps and it might help him understand what he might need to give you.
 

slg47

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
9,667
My boyfriend harbors no feelings for his ex, doesn’t talk much about her, but doesn’t hide anything if I ask, and goes out of his way to make it clear that I am the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Seriously, he’s amazing, and I’m very lucky. Even my parents, who are devout Catholics and were not fond of the idea of my dating a divorced man, put that aside immediately after meeting him. They adore him and are eager for us to start a family of our own.

well that's all that's important :)

no, I don't think you're unreasonable for having those feelings...I think many people have concerns about BFs who had serious exes...so to have those concerns about a BF who was previously married is totally reasonable. but you're right, you have to be able to move on to enjoy a happy life together! If there's anything specific that's bothering you...then bring it up with BF/have a conversation about it. How long have you been with BF? Sometimes these things just take time...
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Blacksand, I think I understand your concerns/qualms, but only from my own perspective and I guess empathy towards your SO, if that makes sense. I have been married before, and also had a totally clean break with no shared assets, no children, don't speak to the ex or his family at all, etc. My fiance (holy cow--that's the first time I've typed that here!) has never been married. We've never spoken about it but I imagine there is a certain degree of disappointment for him that I have already experienced many of the things that are firsts for him--I've been engaged/had a proposal already, I've done the big wedding thing, I've experienced (unhappily) married life. It is probably a little difficult for him in that respect.

When I think about HIS ex-girlfriends, I definitely have twinges of jealousy/resentment that he spent time with and gave his love seriously to someone else--isn't that ridiculous!?!? It's totally hypocritical but it's just the way I feel for a few fleeting seconds if I let my mind go there. Mostly I just don't let myself think about them often, but sometimes something is brought up in conversation and it can't be helped.

I don't know what he would have to say about the topic or advice he could offer, but it's something I wouldn't mind bringing up just to see if he did have anything to contribute that might put your mind at ease a bit. I think he'd probably say that we are just so happy together that he doesn't let my previous relationship or experiences get in the way of our life together or his feelings about me.

ETA: Oh! I meant to add my perspective as the formerly-maried-person:

Yes, there was excitement and happiness over my first marriage, including the proposal, planning the wedding, etc. There were also many things about it I did not enjoy at all and couldn't get excited over, that were red flags as far as the marriage itself. Hindsight is, of course, 20/20 and I imagine your SO feels that way too about his former marriage. I can think of so many differences in my present relationship that make me SOOOOO much happier that this engagement/wedding/marriage will be entirely different and better. I really feel that I had to go through that first marriage to really understand what love is and how to receive it from someone who wants nothing but the best for me and strives to make me happy every single day, whether it benefits him or not. It's just completely different. I consider this the most special relationship of my entire life (children will be a different brand of special of course) and I am more appreciative of all aspects of life and love than ever before. I hope this helps you a bit. I think your feelings about this are valid and I understand your concerns.
 

Hudson_Hawk

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Nov 2, 2006
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DH was previously married to a woman he had an 8 year relationship with (but only a 2 year marriage). He and I met while they were separated and dated throughout the divorce process. We were married a year and a half or so after the divorce was final. Why did I date and subsequently marry a divorced man when I didn't have to? Well, simply because I loved him and wanted to share my life with him. Their relationship didn't matter to me, it was in the past. I've been in love and considered marriage with other people in the past, why would I expect something different from him?

Personally, I think we grow from every relationship we start and end. I wouldn't take back any relationship I've been in, or DH has been in; good or bad. Through these experiences you learn likes/dislikes, tolerances, coping skills, negotiating skills, etc...these are all things you must bring to a marriage for it to be successful in the long term.

I think you might be feeling a little insecure right now and part of you feels like if it (divorce) happened to her, it could happen to you. But you have to remember that while men are emotional and sensitive beings, often times they don't attach the same level of sentiment to actions or experiences that women do. Things happen, they learn and they move on. Guys are problem solvers and once a problem is resolved they put it in the past.

Have you considered talking with him about your insecurities or perhaps seeing a therapist to better understand where this is all coming from? I don't think this is necessarily grounds for breaking up, but I do think these are issues that need to be resolved before you say yes to a proposal.
 

Prana

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
1,321
I totally understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

He was married before. It didn't work out. It wasn't his plan for his first marriage to end in divorce, but it happens. Luckily, he fell in love with someone that was better for him, being you. I'm sure he's not overly thrilled about the circumstances either, but you can't change the past.

But the past does not define how he feels about you, or how excited he'll be to propose to you and marry you.
 

kagordo4

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2009
Messages
339
My boyfriend was engaged before.. Sometimes when we talk about the future.. ie planning a wedding, buying a car together, buying a house... Well I have these bummbed little moments where I realize he's already done those "firsts" with someone. That's a big deal, I think atleast.

I mean I don't know. 98.999% of the time I don't think about it. But sometimes.. I think back to a picture I saw once of him proposing to her at a family party and their house warming... it was on his sister's computer and I was looking for a picture of the baby for facebook or something. I lost it a little. It made it real, you know? I didn't know So when he was with her, and she broke him... so badly. She cheated, lied, broke his heart then said sorry and did it all again. (His sister had no idea it was there, just an fyi and totally meant no harm, that's not the type of person she is.)

Sometimes I think when I'm looking at wedding dresses and stuff online that he'll think even for a milli second what she would have looked like walking down the aisle.

I'm not dillusional, I know he harbors not feelings (well atleast not the good ones : P ) towards this... woman, even though I don't think she deserves such a nice term. He makes sure I know I'm the one he loves, etc etc.

But sometimes... that one second just creeps in.. it's like the dementors in Harry Potter, and just sucks the happiness out.

BUT! We need to focus on how MUCH they love US and how they CHOSE us! : ) Right?! Right!
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
Thank you so much for all of your replies!

Jessie, I’m impressed. I know I would have a hard time living in a house he had once shared with her. Like you, I wouldn’t let that break me, and I would do my best to make it our home, but I know it would be a bit of a struggle. Good for you for being so strong. Monarch, I was hoping you would reply. Your insight is so valuable. I think he feels very much like you in that everything he went through helps him to better appreciate what we have today. I’m glad to hear you say how different and special your current relationship is…so much more than just a here-we-go-again situation! And it’s also comforting to know that you have your moments of fleeting jealousy, too. I guess the trick is just not to indulge in that, and refocus my energy on all the positives.

Princess and slg, thank you for your support. I have talked to my boyfriend about this, yes. But maybe not as much as I would have liked. I don’t want to make him feel badly. To be honest, I think it embarrasses him. Actually, I know it does, although I have often told him it shouldn’t. I know he was deeply committed to making his marriage work. I am sure he shared some of the blame for the problems they had, but I know that, at the end, he very much wanted to make things work, went to counseling, tried to improve their communication….and in the end she flatly told him she had no desire to work on things, she just wanted out. While I’m sure he loved her and was deeply hurt by this, the overwhelming sentiment I feel coming off of him when we talk about this is embarrassment. He couldn’t make it work, he couldn’t keep his vows, and he is ashamed. This is something we have talked about quite a bit. I have told him time and time again that he has nothing to be ashamed of, and I know he has seen a therapist and worked through a lot of this. I know he is much more confident now than he was four years ago, when they got divorced. Still, when I talk to him about my insecurities, I know it makes him feel that much worse. He hates that he can’t make everything all right for me (although I would never expect him to!).

Which brings me to HH’s advice: counseling. Yes. I think it is something we both need, and definitely something we plan to do before marriage. Maybe we should do it sooner. I hate that he feels ashamed, and I hate that I feel jealous. We both know better, but we still struggle with these feelings sometimes. Thank you for the suggestion. I will talk to him about it and try to get the ball rolling for both of us.

Oddly, I’ve never really been insecure about the prospect of divorce. He and I are both very dedicated [read: stubborn] people, and I truly believe we will be together forever. These insecurities I am currently airing aside, this is, for both of us, the most healthy, happy, secure relationship imaginable, and I have no doubts about us. Quite honestly, it comes down to the most trivial of things. Like they picked china patterns together. I can see them at Macy’s with their little notepads arguing over gold or platinum-banded teacups. And the thought of her picture once being in the little family tree picture frame at his parents’ house. That’s what’s so ridiculous about it. I feel like a thirteen-year old. The bottom line is that I have to STOP thinking these absurd thoughts and move on.

He is a wonderful man, and I am very happy with him. I just need to learn to turn off that part of my brain! Thank you all again for your replies.
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
Thanks Black. Stay strong hon, you can work through it. Always Remeber he chose you.
Now that you mention it, SO and i might need to do counseling....reading yours made me think more about it. Please stay strong and know it will work out. Also, know that we are always here to talk if you need it.
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
kagordo4 said:
But sometimes... that one second just creeps in.. it's like the dementors in Harry Potter, and just sucks the happiness out.

BUT! We need to focus on how MUCH they love US and how they CHOSE us! : ) Right?! Right!

So...do you think I should conjure a patronus? I expect mine would be a guinea pig.

Jessie: Thanks again. It's nice to be able to get it off my chest a little. It's not that I think about this all the time, but when these thoughts do occur to me, just writing them down helps to clear my head. Thanks for reading.
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
blacksand said:
kagordo4 said:
But sometimes... that one second just creeps in.. it's like the dementors in Harry Potter, and just sucks the happiness out.

BUT! We need to focus on how MUCH they love US and how they CHOSE us! : ) Right?! Right!

So...do you think I should conjure a patronus? I expect mine would be
.

Jessie: Thanks again. It's nice to be able to get it off my chest a little. It's not that I think about this all the time, but when these thoughts do occur to me, just writing them down helps to clear my head. Thanks for reading.


I love the Guinea Pig.....ya never know, it could be like a mountain lion, or something.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Oh gosh, Blacksand...your paragraph about the china got to me! It is probably just as hard on him thinking about how you feel about him having done that. I still have my china that my ex and I chose together...let me tell you, it isn't something I look back on now and think "gee, what a wonderful time we had that day" because everything good was eventually overshadowed by the negativity in that relationship. Now your SO will have a chance to do that with YOU, and make a NEW AND WONDERFUL memory.

Being with the right person somehow changes your whole existence, I have to say, and even though your SO still has shame and embarassment (hey, you will have that with any "failure" in life) he can get past that and you can get past any issues you have with him having experienced all those firsts with someone else already. I really believe that. Just keep communicating with him and know that life has a way of making sure what is supposed to work, does.
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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Another poster once said, "it doesn't matter if you weren't each others firsts as long as you are each others lasts." I wish I could remember who, but it really made an impression on me, and I couldn't agree with it more. Best of luck, and lots of hugs Blacksand!
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
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I think...that it means he knows what he's looking for...or what he's NOT looking for, even more than he did before.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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FrekeChild said:
I think...that it means he knows what he's looking for...or what he's NOT looking for, even more than he did before.

I wholeheartedly agree with Freke. It takes some of us a try or two before we get it right!
 

MissMina

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Joined
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Messages
734
AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU
Elvis Presley

Let the stars fade and fall
And I won't care at all
As long as I have you

Every kiss brings a thrill
And I know that it will
As long as I have you

Let's think of the future
Forget the past
You're not my first love
But you're my last

Take the love that I bring
Then I'll have everything
As long as I have you
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
11,534
I'll weigh in because I had some of those same feelings. It didn't hit me until we were actually planning our wedding -- and then I was sad about all the things he'd done before. We even ended up in a meeting with a florist who showed me pictures of the centerpieces FROM HIS FIRST WEDDING. Seriously. I could have died. HE could have died. The florist could have died. It was horrible. He hadn't had any clue who did his centerpieces & never put 2 & 2 together until he saw the pictures. GAH! It still smarts writing about it and that was four+ years ago now.

Basically, I just hung in there. I never questioned whether I wanted to marry *him* -- I just grieved the expectation that its something we'd both be doing for the first time *together*. It helped that OUR wedding was very US -- and much more *HIM* that his first wedding was. So he did have a lot of excitement around the event itself.

I also think there are some legitimate benefits to being married to someone who has been married before. They're broken in a bit -- like comfie jeans. And if the last relationship was awful -- you look awesome in comparison! I could say a lot more but you get the idea probably.
 

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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It would bother me too, hon. For all the reasons you describe, and also because I would wonder about the role that my bf played in the divorce and whether he had learned anything from that past relationship.

If he was young and the marriage short, I suppose one could argue that it is no different from being with someone for 4 years but not getting engaged or married. Except that it is not the same thing, because he did propose and did intend to spend his life with her, but clearly did not.

Anyways, I got no advice, but I would feel the same way in your shoes.
 

Trekkie

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Joined
Apr 21, 2010
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monarch64 said:
FrekeChild said:
I think...that it means he knows what he's looking for...or what he's NOT looking for, even more than he did before.

I wholeheartedly agree with Freke. It takes some of us a try or two before we get it right!

+1

I was married before - married at 21, separated at 22 and divorced by 23. It was a learning curve for me! The disaster there made me realise anew just how lucky I am now.
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
Thank you all so much for your posts. You've been so helpful.

He was married as soon as he finished college and divorced three years later. Although I am certain he loved her and intended to spend his life with her, I think there was also a strong sentiment of "well, I got a girlfriend, graduated, found a job, put an offer on a house...I guess this is the next step." It just seemed to him like the right thing to do. All of his friends from college married their college sweethearts, and they're all still together today. So it seemed like the thing to do. But in retrospect, from what he tells me, it was more the logical next step for his life than it was the right woman.

I'd love to think it was all her fault, but I know it wasn't. I'm quite familiar, by now, with his less-than-appealing characteristics (and I love him anyway!). I know they didn't communicate well. I know some of the problems they had. He certainly has his share of the blame. He knows that, too. I like that he realizes his shortcomings. I see him actively making an effort to communicate better with me. I'm happy that he chose me and he knows he wants to be with me. Not because it's the thing to do and all his college friends are doing it, but because this is the right relationship for both of us, and this is what we want. That part of dating a divorced man I like! And I know I always come out favorably if he, his family or friends compare me to his ex. His sister once sent me a long e-mail about how she wished she had told him sooner that she never thought his ex was right for him. Apparently, she vowed to tell him in the future if she ever thought he was with someone who just wasn't a good match. Now she is thrilled, she says, because she knows she will never have to do that. She thanked me for making her brother so happy. That part of dating a divorced man is pretty good, too!

I guess it's time to focus more on that, and less on teacups and flower arrangements.
 

TooPatient

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blacksand said:
Thank you all so much for your posts. You've been so helpful.

He was married as soon as he finished college and divorced three years later. Although I am certain he loved her and intended to spend his life with her, I think there was also a strong sentiment of "well, I got a girlfriend, graduated, found a job, put an offer on a house...I guess this is the next step." It just seemed to him like the right thing to do. All of his friends from college married their college sweethearts, and they're all still together today. So it seemed like the thing to do. But in retrospect, from what he tells me, it was more the logical next step for his life than it was the right woman.

I'd love to think it was all her fault, but I know it wasn't. I'm quite familiar, by now, with his less-than-appealing characteristics (and I love him anyway!). I know they didn't communicate well. I know some of the problems they had. He certainly has his share of the blame. He knows that, too. I like that he realizes his shortcomings. I see him actively making an effort to communicate better with me. I'm happy that he chose me and he knows he wants to be with me. Not because it's the thing to do and all his college friends are doing it, but because this is the right relationship for both of us, and this is what we want. That part of dating a divorced man I like! And I know I always come out favorably if he, his family or friends compare me to his ex. His sister once sent me a long e-mail about how she wished she had told him sooner that she never thought his ex was right for him. Apparently, she vowed to tell him in the future if she ever thought he was with someone who just wasn't a good match. Now she is thrilled, she says, because she knows she will never have to do that. She thanked me for making her brother so happy. That part of dating a divorced man is pretty good, too!

I guess it's time to focus more on that, and less on teacups and flower arrangements.


He sounds wonderful and so does his family.

You've always got us here to talk with when the past starts to creep in. I was kind of surprised to see the number of us who are in this situation and that most (all?) have these feelings sometimes.
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
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It doesn't matter if you're his first, and it doesn't even really matter that you're his last. What really matters is that you enjoy the time that you have together.

Sorry for how cliche or cheesy that might sound, I'm not into many words.
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
889
Thank you!

It doesn't sound cliche. And I'm into too many words, I think. I admire your clarity and brevity.
 

Dreamer_D

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Dec 16, 2007
Messages
25,251
I think since the marriage was when he was so young and it was short it would bother me less, for sure. And his sister's opinion means a lot -- friends and faily are *much* better judges of compatibility and predictors of relationship success than are the actual participants in a relationship!
 
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