Do you and your SO work well together?

[yssie]

?

I'll start with an admission:

FI and I.. well, it depends. If we're starting a new project together we make a fantastic team - I have a crazy idea, FI dreams up an outline to make it happen and prods me into action, and I then obsess over the minutiae.

We're both incredibly competitive though (well, me more so) and if one of us is supposed to have the "superior" skill/knowledge/talent in some specific study/practice/whatever - well, the other had better not try to encroach - or if they do, they'd better acknowledge deference

...which most people seem to find really strange. It's not at all that we don't want each other to succeed, it's that we both need to be 'best' at something. Thank goodness we didn't choose the same field of work, which almost did happen!

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't think that is strange at all!

SO and I both have our weaknesses and strengths so sometimes one of us is able to put in more "effort" than the other. At other times, we work really well as a team. I have noticed that SO caves and stresses a bit under pressure so I try to keep everything calm, cool, and collected.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Yes and no. When we're both of the same page we work together marvelously! However we very often have different ideas of the final outcome, or how to get there. Thats when it gets more interesting. But it always works out.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Yes we do. We are both in different lines of work. However we both have the same "passionate" hobby...music. We used to be extremely competitive when have collaborated in the past. To the point of getting upset with each other. Now even though we are very critical of how we put it all together, we respect each others strengths and god given talent. So the projects we do together have been rewarding and such a joy.

 

[luckynumber]

Nope. We're terrible. We just end up messing about, laughing like loons or

Nothing gets done, its hopeless!!

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband and I generally work well together but we have our strong points and things we could work on. This is the same thing as what AutumnNovember said, and I think most couples are like this. I'm more detail-oriented than my husband. His eyes glaze over if I'm going over something with him that requires his full attention at times. There are definitely things that I wish he'd help out more with, but I may be a bit nit-picky about things always being 50/50. If we didn't work well together, I don't think we'd be married. We may not always agree on things, but we can usually come to some sort of consensus after talking through an issue.

 

[jaysonsmom]

We're not in the same line of work but as far as household responsibilities, and household projects go, we work very well together. I think we share the same taste, and vision in everything, but I'm more of a planner, and he is the implementer, so I direct, and he follows my directions very well.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We don't. We are hypercompetitive, but what's worse is that we are easily frustrated and not patient at all. There are a lot of: "Why would you think this would work?" and "Just do it my way and if I'm wrong I'll...well, it won't be" and mostly "Just let me do it by myself".

 

[zoebartlett]

For those who said they're competitive with with their husbands/SOs, how are you competitive?

 

[mrscushion]

Yes, very well. We have pretty complementary skills and attitudes. He's very creative and ideas-driven, I get things done.

 

[RaiKai]

Yes, we do. One of the things I really about our relationship is how easygoing we are as a team, yet how respectful we are toward each others individuality, and how well we work together. It just feels quite natural, and easy, to be honest. And, as another poster mentioned, it feels somewhat rewarding to know we did something together, learned more about one another, and grew stronger individually and as a team.

We both have our own strengths and weaknesses, and are both quite self-aware of them ourselves. We tend to really compliment one another. Where we both have similar strengths, we don't try and "best" the other, rather, we just take both our strengths and combine them together, rather than see who is going to take over.

There are definitely areas where he is stronger, and I am weaker, and the reverse. He is certainly very good at organizing and planning details. I tend to get a little bit less worried about all the details, and choose one or two things to think about. So, he will take the lead on planning, and I will just take the lead on those one or two details! But that being said, it really does not become about "well, you are weaker here, so let me just do it". Not at all, as we are interested in sharing and working through our strengths and weaknesses. Just because he may be weaker in one area, does not mean that what he does have to offer in that area is not valuable!

Neither of us feels threatened by the other, or feels competitive toward the other - whether it is in an area we are both strong, or one is weak. We really do recognize ourselves as a team. Whether it is planning our budget, organizing a wedding, setting out on a hike, deciding on a vacation, making a new purchase, it really does not matter. We'll put things out there, share ideas, opinions, different options, and just really talk things out.

That is not to say we always agree on the same thing or the same direction to take, what it does mean as that we easily work together to find something that works for us together, and we also each recognize that just because the other does something in a different way than we would, does not make their way "wrong" or our way "right"!

 

[yssie]

For those who said they're competitive with with their husbands/SOs, how are you competitive?

For me - everything is quite literally a competition, unless we have no reason to compete (ie. neither of us know anything - and honestly even then it becomes 'who gets it first' - or one person is the acknowledged expert )

When I win I'm happy, when I lose I sulk.
And when I'm supposed to be 'the best' at something and I fail and fall below expectations I'm a total wreck - I invest a lot of time and energy into ensuring this doesn't happen.


I know most of it in our relationship stems from me - I am threatened (I'm cringing at that word RaiKai!) by the idea of anyone besting me at something I consider myself good at. I've had the good (or bad, depending on one's perspective) fortune of having rarely encountered this, which also means I really just haven't developed a good way to deal with it. I suppose whether one considers that the product of "type A" or "maturity" depends on both situation and outcome of any given circumstance..

 

[packrat]

Yes, we have worked on a lot of projects here and do great together. He has a temper when things aren't going right, so I feel it's my duty to make up songs to tease him and make sarcastic comments. I'm generally the one who comes up w/the ideas and then he does it. Tho, he's come up w/some good ideas too. He also has a tendency to over do things and not think everything out to the last detail like I do. He doesn't always agree w/me about how certain things should be done, and that is irksome, but usually has to concede that I know what I'm talking about-like w/organizing. He dug his heels in and flat out refused to listen to me about how to tackle his garage that looks like a bomb went off, insisting that his way of organizing was the best way, and it kept getting worse every year, and *now* that it appears beyond all hope, he conceded that yeah, maybe I was right. Better late than never I guess.

 

[fieryred33143]

lol Yssie. I have a lot of competitive couple friends and they drive me bananas! I don't know how competitive couples make it work! My coworker and her husband are like that. Every single thing is a competition. We were playing poker and it came down to the two of them. They were going at it with each other and everyone else said 'hey guys, the money is from the same account!'

We aren't competitive at all. He and I have different skill sets so where I excel, he needs improvement and vice versa. I like it that way. I hate competition. It gives me serious anxiety and when I'm around people like that, I clam up. I have another coworker who is very competitive and he and I are part of a workout team together. What was supposed to be a fun way to get me in the gym has turned in to something I really hate. When I do well, I'm excited to tell him but when I don't do well I feel like throwing up at the idea of mentioning it to him

As for working on projects together, as long as we are both passionate about it then we do well. If either one of us isn't really into the project then it can be a disaster.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

For those who said they're competitive with with their husbands/SOs, how are you competitive?

We use to argue about who's finished product was better and why, who wrote better, you name it...We'd ask family members opinion on which was better mine or his to make points to each other or put each other down. We were married young (18 and 23) Now its more about bringing the best out in one another.

We'd play card games and get so upset if one or the other loses the we'd bit the cards. LOL! We were crazy!

 

[packrat]

Zestfully's card game thing reminds me-Pictionary is banned. We played against each other with some friends and wow..it was not pretty. We definitely work better together than against each other.

 

[RaiKai]

For those who said they're competitive with with their husbands/SOs, how are you competitive?

For me - everything is quite literally a competition, unless we have no reason to compete (ie. neither of us know anything - and honestly even then it becomes 'who gets it first' - or one person is the acknowledged expert )

When I win I'm happy, when I lose I sulk.
And when I'm supposed to be 'the best' at something and I fail and fall below expectations I'm a total wreck - I invest a lot of time and energy into ensuring this doesn't happen.


I know most of it in our relationship stems from me - I am threatened (I'm cringing at that word RaiKai!) by the idea of anyone besting me at something I consider myself good at. I've had the good (or bad, depending on one's perspective) fortune of having rarely encountered this, which also means I really just haven't developed a good way to deal with it. I suppose whether one considers that the product of "type A" or "maturity" depends on both situation and outcome of any given circumstance..

Ah, yes, well, at the root of all our reactions to things in the end is.....our own s***t. No one is unique in that regard, so join the club!

It sounds like more of an issue of needing to be a little more forgiving of yourself....as the only expectations you are "failing" or "falling" below are your own. It really comes down to you reacting outwardly and towards something external, when it is really an internal insecurity (i.e. that you are not "good enough" unless you are the best).

Nothing wrong with motivation, and some healthy competitiveness, in the right context. I get it. The problem arises when it becomes something that interferes with your relationships, or your own self-confidence and healthy, and how you react (i.e. sulking as you do not "win").

My DH, if he was responding to your post, or talking to you, would quite frankly say "what are you afraid of?". His usual question for prompting someone to look a bit deeper into themselves at what they really ARE afraid of (often it is along the lines of "not being good enough", "not being lovable", "being scared of being vulnerable", "afraid of uncertainty"....all sorts of fun anxieties!).

Life is too short, and it's enjoyable, quite honestly, to sometimes step back and let others be the "best" at something....even if you know you could do it just as well or in your mind "better" than them.

ETA: I did not intend to come off as a bit "life teaching moment" there....I think you are the coolest! I just can relate a bit to the feeling threatened or fear of failure at being the best....so just wanted to share some of my own lessons learned!

 

[JSM]

We can, but we don't always. In high stress, critical situations, we work extremely well together. We know when to make concessions, defer to the other, and support each other to make it through.

On the other hand, in less important moments, we can bicker over whatever it is we are doing because we both think we are right.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for filling me in on the competitiveness between you and your SOs. I love reading about how couples get along and work together.

 

[yssie]

That made me laugh RaiKai - our own sh*t, indeed!


What am I afraid of? I'm not entirely sure.. I know without a doubt that FI wouldn't love me any less if I relaxed.. probably be a bit disappointed to have lost such a consistent sparring partner

What I probably fear most is losing those I love because I didn't do enough to prevent it.. how exactly that transforms into 'the cat tower had best be wrapped symmetrically' is beyond me! But goodness, the search for perfection is - exquisitely thrilling, and utterly addicting, and when the high wears off - exhausting!

 

[Haven]

We work very well together. We're typically very different in terms of skills and abilities, the way we view things, and the way we approach problem solving, but those difference seem to balance things out rather than make things more difficult. We do a lot of things together in general, so I think that helps when it comes to working together.

I'm really competitive with a lot of things and a lot of people, but never my husband, and I never have been. Unless we're playing Nok Hockey or riding bikes or rollerblading or something like that. Then I'm just out to beat him. (Seriously though, neither one of us has a very big ego, we're both really mellow and secure, so losing to the other doesn't *really* bother us, anyway. I think we just enjoy the sport of competition. There's never any boasting or brooding once it's over.) When it comes to doing projects together, we are very much a team and always have been.

I knew we would travel well together after our first attempt to build something as a team. (That something was a very wonky, gigantic cat tower, but the kitties loved it.) I'm curious if those couples who do not work well together travel well together. Anyone care to share?

 

[yssie]

It's interesting Haven - FI and I travel very well together, I love doing it and I hope to do lots more Because either neither of us know where we're going or what it's going to be like, and it's all new and fun and we can hash out the day later in our room/tent, or because one of us has a pretty good idea of where to go, what to see, what to do...

 

[Steel]

Luckily, we are a great working team!

 

[April20]

We work well together. We tend to know who's better at what and defer without much conversation. It's a good thing we work well together because I don't know that I have the energy to negotiate things if we didn't!!

 

[lknvrb4]

We work wonderful together. We actually prefer to do projects together if we can but with three kids it's not always an option.

 

[zoebartlett]

We usually do really well together when traveling because, like Yssie said, we're in a new place and there's so much to see and do. Then we get to rehash everything later each night. It's fun! I will admit though, that our honeymoon was actually probably our worst vacation. We bickered constantly, and at one point, I think I even asked to go home. I got over whatever it was though and we made it til the end. We've taken other vacations since and they've been great. I think we were both just exhausted. We talked about it the other night actually, and neither one of us can remember what we fought over. We went to Key West 7 months later, had an awesome time, and we thought of that as our 2nd honeymoon, even if we were with my family.