Question for PSer Moms

[Octavia]

At my first job when I was in high school, my boss asked if I'd be okay with watching his 4-year old on occasion, if the nanny had to leave early or had a doctor's appointment or something. I wanted the job, so I said it would be fine. Well...guess who quit a couple weeks later? I only WISH it had been me! Worst summer of my life! But of course, I couldn't say anything because it was a job. If it had been a friend (thankfully not, at that age, but projecting forward to now) you'd better believe I'd call them out on it. I'd try to be tactful, of course, but it's not okay for a person to monopolize that much of your time for their own benefit, regardless of the reason. To me, it's not the substance of the request that's the problem -- it would be the same idea if it was a co-worker to whom you'd offered to give a ride home occasionally, and they gradually morphed it into picking them up and dropping them off every day, without so much as an offer of gas money. After awhile, the line between being nice and being taken advantage of has clearly been crossed.

Good luck extricating yourself, sctsbride!

 

[lknvrb4]

I think your a lot like me. I hate to tell people no or hate feeling like I am letting someone down. I have a tendency to put my own feelings aside for the sake of others. I think in this situation just being honest and letting her know that you were ok with the few hours a month but 8 is too much.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

If you two have a true friendship you should be able to be honest with her and she should understand.
Please just give her a heads up as to when you want to end the sitting, i.e. "I will not be able to the baby after July 15th" or something like that so she can find a replacement sitter/daycare.

I have to agree with you though newborns, toddlers, elementary age, and preteens do take up a lot of time and can be draining. Thats why me and DH dediced 1 child would do it for us.

Good Luck.

 

[D2B]

You are a saint, but it has to stop. As a parent I can tell you she is taking advantage of you. We all love our kids but we all want some me time, and she is getting it at your expense.

I love my child beyond anything, but I cant stand babysitting others, never have, never will. I do the reciprocal thing with friedns where I look after their child to go to the doctor etc and they return the favour, but it is never more than 2-3 hours and only once in a blue moon so to speak.

You have to stop it, you are being taken for a huge ride, and I really cant see how anyone can be a true friend if they do that. No way does she not know she is using you. As for doing you a favour since you like kids so much etc etc, PLEASE........no way..... if you like kids so much you would be a kindergarden teacher, nanny getting paid for it. Stop it now, it makes my blood boil for you that she is taking advantage of you like this.

Tell her and let her sort herself out.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Have you talked to her? I admit, I'm curious how she handles this... I fear she will be mad (she has NO right to be) but I hope that she will understand. Good luck!!

 

[sctsbride09]

*update*

Hi everyone, thought I would post an update since you all were so helpful.
I had lunch with my friend yesterday, and I told her that I love her and my "niece" very much, but I just dont think Im cut out to watch a child for so long in a day. I told her also that I dont have a problem watching her for a short time in the future, but that all day is just too much, and its not fair to her child. She did get a little upset, because Im one of few people she can trust with her child, but she said she understands.

She asked if I could give her a couple weeks to find someone else, and I said no problem. She said she may end up having to quit her job though because she really doesnt make enough to justify paying someone "good" to watch her daughter. IE not some teenager or something. I felt kind of bad when she said that, (guilty?) but like you all have said its her child. So I need to let it go and move on.

I hate to say it, but I have a feeling we will start drifting apart. Things got kind of wierd at lunch after that conversation, and its not like we have hung out in a "friend" capacity in a long time, as opposed to a boss/employee (who doesnt get paid haha) relationship. I really dont know what to do next, just act like normal? Or like nothing ever happened?

 

[janinegirly]

Hi, Good for you for approaching your friend about this! I think you can't worry about drifting apart--if it happens it is your friend's doing for putting her child in between your friendship. I think she is trying to lay a guilt trip on you (saying doesn't have enough $ to hire someone "good") -- did she not have a back up plan other than relying on your generosity? What if you ended up finding a full time your job yourself?

I would be careful that she does not continue taking advantage of you by having a few weeks turn into a few months under the guise of needing to find someone else good/or quitting her job,etc. I suspect this is likelyto happen so have a date in your head to stop this set up and let her know in advance. Book a class, meet another friend, go on vacation -- whatever it is to force a end game to this all.

 

[sctsbride09]

Janinegirly- I was kind of wondering if she would try to push it past a couple of weeks too. I have a date in my head that I am going to keep as the "last time" for an all dayer (is that a word?). You are right that I cant keep our friendship together on my own, if we drift apart, I guess that happens sometimes. Funny you should mention taking a class too. Since I posted this, I have been seriously considering going back to school to finish. If I have an extra 16 hours a week that is enough time for me to squeeze in at least 2 classes (also taking into account study time, drive time, etc.) .Your never too old to go back to school right? Thanks for responding

 

[vespergirl]

Good for you for talking to her. I think it was totally crappy of your friend, however, to try to make it your problem that she can't afford childcare. But then again, I'm from the school of, people should only have as many children as they can afford to care for - it's her problem, not yours, and it was passive-aggressive/manipulative of her to try to make you feel guilty for not being her doormat anymore. Definitely don't let it go past the 2 weeks or whatever that you chose as your limit.

I have 2 small kids (preschooler & infant) and I never dump my kids off on my friends, or want to watch their kids. When we want to go out, we hire a babysitter, period. Good help is expensive, but so are kids, so if people feel that they can afford to have kids, then they should consider child care into the equation. Again, not your problem or your responsibility. It sounds like your "friend" was using you & taking advantage, so if she drifts, you can concentrate your time on other friends who aren't users.

I hope that everything pans out, and you get to use the time to take classes or do other things you enjoy!

 

[TravelingGal]

I'm from the school of, people should only have as many children as they can afford to care for - it's her problem, not yours, and it was passive-aggressive/manipulative of her to try to make you feel guilty for not being her doormat anymore. Definitely don't let it go past the 2 weeks or whatever that you chose as your limit.

A big ditto to this. How horrible of your friend to even attempt to make you feel guilty when you have been helping her all this time for free! If I were you friend, I would be mortified to find out that I had been overstepping my bounds and would have been extremely apologetic. I can't believe that she really thought you would be able to continue raising her kid so she could work.

 

[Indylady]

I would tell her that you cannot babysit any longer, not even for the next couple of weeks.

I am appalled she would make you feel bad by saying that she would have to quit work because you won't babysit for free anymore. NO NO NO. If she were apologetic, kind, and understanding, of course I would see why you would agree to babysit for a few more weeks. But she wasn't. She is not your friend. She considers you one of the few people she can trust? Perhaps you're one of the few people that's willing to work for free. Please, call her and tell her that you can't babysit anymore. After your GENEROSITY, she has the nerve to make you feel guilty?

Sctsbride, I'm sorry if the above hurts your feelings. That isn't my intention. I know you're in a difficult place. I just don't want to see you put yourself out there for someone that clearly doesn't care for your feelings, let alone time and energy. Good luck! Lots of hugs.

 

[sctsbride09]

Vespergirl and Traveling Gal- My husband feels the same way as the 2 of you. He honestly cant understand how I can still want to be friends with her, because he says she always takes advantage of me. To be 100% honest , the friendship has been more one sided than not ever since we have been friends. Hmm..maybe its time to grab a dictionary and look up "friend". The more I go over this and our whole friendship in my head, the more upset I get.

Indylady-You totally didnt hurt my feelings! Thats why I asked here, I wanted honest opinions from people who wouldnt coddle me. I know I probably seem like this huge doormat type person, but I swear Im not. This 1 particular friend and I just have a long, interesting history, with a few things in common that shouldnt bind us together but do bind us , if that makes sense? So its hard to know deep down that something is ending after everything that we have been through together. I guess a friendship ending would be somewhat similar to a realationship ending, huh? Thanks for the hugs, those are always nice.

I really want to thank all of you that responded. This has really given me alot to think about, as far as how I deal with confrontation and letting people take advantage. As well as what friendship really is and is not. Thanks for the honest opinions, everyone!