Guests after the birth of your child?

[Puppmom]

Our little one is do in 5 weeks (I''m SO ready for the record)! DH and I noticed when my nephew was born in January, people were in out of my brother''s house for the weeks after his birth. I don''t think I''ll be up for that so I would at least like to play it by ear. The other day, SIL - who lives about 5 hours away said the second the baby is born, she''s coming home for a week. I''m assuming that means she thinks she''ll see us (I mean the baby) multiple times. I hate for her to come all that way if we''re not up for company.

How did you handle guests after the birth of your baby? I think I envisioned having that first week to settle in with just my little family and not having to worry about anyone else.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/29/2010 12:41:03 PM
Author:puppmom
Our little one is do in 5 weeks (I''m SO ready for the record)! DH and I noticed when my nephew was born in January, people were in out of my brother''s house for the weeks after his birth. I don''t think I''ll be up for that so I would at least like to play it by ear. The other day, SIL - who lives about 5 hours away said the second the baby is born, she''s coming home for a week. I''m assuming that means she thinks she''ll see us (I mean the baby) multiple times. I hate for her to come all that way if we''re not up for company.

How did you handle guests after the birth of your baby? I think I envisioned having that first week to settle in with just my little family and not having to worry about anyone else.

I just said I was tired and they went home. Everybody was pretty considerate. I also told my mom I was fine doing it on my own.

I would tell her you want to play it by ear. Honestly, the first couple of weeks I would think are the easiest since the baby does sleep nearly all the time. However, I''d use that time to get sleep myself. Then after the baby turns into a monster, pass them off to the guests.

 

[somethingshiny]

To me it depends upon the persons in question. I had guests who expected me to entertain them and then I had guests who came with food in hand and told me to go take a nap while they watched the baby. Obviously the latter were my favorites!

As far as how we handled them. We asked people to call before they came. If one of the demanding guests called I just told them that I didn''t really have it in me that day to have company. If one of the favored people called, I gave them my dinner order!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I have no experience with this, but I imagine it could be a total nightmare! Luckily DH and I live a minimum of 2-3 hours from all family members. I''ve asked my mom to come down to be there for the birth, but then she''ll go home. DH and I want to be home together alone with the baby for at least a week before we have stay over guests, possibly two weeks. My mom will take the first "live in" helper shift and stay for a week and then MIL is welcome to come for a week. Then I''d like a few weeks on my own to figure everything out. But this is all totally up in the air and could change at any moment. I do know that my dad and step mom will probably only do a fly by visit one or two days and not stay over, but that''s how they are. My older bro and SIL live in Cali so the earliest they''d see the baby is Thanksgiving or Christmas. Same with BIL and DH''s sister.

The idea of THAT many people coming to visit over and over and over again makes my head spin. Maybe we''re just not that close of a family? I don''t know....I think it''s really important for you and your immediate family to have family time to get settled into a routine before you''re inundated with guests.

 

[Haven]

A friend of mine just had her second baby and they came up with a fabulous way of getting around this issue. They sent out an evite to EVERYONE for a meet and greet for the baby. They called it an "Open House" and set it for 10 AM to 5 PM on that one day. The invite said it was a casual open house for everyone to stop by and meet the baby. She enlisted a bunch of friends to come over and help with setting up and cleaning up, and it was perfect.

My friend had been on bed rest for weeks, and she had some complications with the delivery, so she was in some pain and knew she wouldn''t want people dropping in and out of the house for weeks after the baby was born, and that is exactly what happened with her first.

Now that over a month has passed she said she''s really happy that they did it that way. When people who didn''t make the open house called to see if they could stop by she didn''t feel bad saying no if she wasn''t up to it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Luckily everyone I know gave dh and me space b/c since I had a c-section, most visited while i was in the hospital. The only person who wanted to come over was my grandma and she called to let me know she''d help out but needed a ride over.

 

[Puppmom]

Date: 6/29/2010 1:08:29 PM
Author: Haven
A friend of mine just had her second baby and they came up with a fabulous way of getting around this issue. They sent out an evite to EVERYONE for a meet and greet for the baby. They called it an ''Open House'' and set it for 10 AM to 5 PM on that one day. The invite said it was a casual open house for everyone to stop by and meet the baby. She enlisted a bunch of friends to come over and help with setting up and cleaning up, and it was perfect.

My friend had been on bed rest for weeks, and she had some complications with the delivery, so she was in some pain and knew she wouldn''t want people dropping in and out of the house for weeks after the baby was born, and that is exactly what happened with her first.

Now that over a month has passed she said she''s really happy that they did it that way. When people who didn''t make the open house called to see if they could stop by she didn''t feel bad saying no if she wasn''t up to it.

Haven, this sounds like a good idea. How long after the birth did they have the open house?

HH, this is the first grandchild in DHs family so I''m definitely nervous. I want to enjoy our time (or just freaking rest!) before our baby belongs to everyone, KWIM? Hubby is the one that has a hard time saying no. I''m a tough cookie - add some hormones to that and I can get really nasty!

SS, point well taken. I can assure you that SIL is NOT coming to help. She has baby fever and just wants to hang out with him. The ILs, my parents and my brother will definitely help. Now, the day my sister shows up with her three tazmanian devils...oy! We have a fairly small circle of friends and both have small families so we won''t have to turn too many people away.

Tgal, I would gladly have SIL come back when my little baby turns into a little monster!

MC, I''m glad your family was considerate. My mother is pretty pushy but I''m used to her so I know how to fend her off. The ILs are a little different. They''re more likely to hint which is why I think DH feels bad.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 6/29/2010 2:28:10 PM
Author: MC
Luckily everyone I know gave dh and me space b/c since I had a c-section, most visited while i was in the hospital. The only person who wanted to come over was my grandma and she called to let me know she''d help out but needed a ride over.

THIS is something I''m putting a stop to this time. I was so proud to have a baby and so excited that everyone wanted to see him, but I was so miserably exhausted and felt like I hadn''t even held my own baby because EVERYONE came to the hospital. I had already been there for 2 days before the birth due to my induction. People were in and out during that entire time and then they really streamed in as soon as I had JT. I don''t think I had a moment alone with DH or the baby until after visiting hours were over each day. There were people in my room when I was rolled in from recovery. Everyone thought they had the "right" to be there since JT was the first child-grandchild-great grandchild-nephew. DH''s aunts and uncles even barged right in. This time, we told people we''d call IF/when we were ready for some visitors.

Haven~ That''s a great idea. I''d just worry if THAT was the day that the baby blues were going to hit!

 

[Puppmom]

SS, I''m totally with you! I told DH he is NOT calling anyone until the baby is born. I don''t want a bunch of people waiting at the hospital then pouring in when Nolan is born. I also am trying to go med-free so I don''t want DH leaving me a bunch of times to give updates. DH is again worried about how he''ll position this to his family. I said "Just tell them!" or they''ll find out after when they get a call.

 

[somethingshiny]

As a side note: You need a person whose specific job is to chase away unwanted guests. DH was too involved in what was going on and didn''t want to look like a bad guy to our family and friends. So, I had my BFF come in and just gave her the high sign on who to boot. For some reason, most of the visitors thought they should be IN MY ROOM the whole time. I was med free for a very long time and I wanted to kill people. But, once BFF got there and started removing offending individuals (including my mom) I was able to relax more and stick with my birth plan for a while.

 

[fieryred33143]

Yeah I''m going to go with a big no to guests. With my future children, I don''t want anyone in the hospital or in my home until at least 2 weeks.

I had baby blues that hit pretty immediately but the nonstop crying didn''t start until a few days after and happened really randomly. My inlaws didn''t respect my need for some space and time to adjust. I had guests in the hospital, which was located about 10 mins from everyone, before the epidural wore off. I was literally in the restroom with the nurse for the first time after birth where she had to help me use it and people were walking in. And this was the delivery room, not the recovery room. And for the first 5 days home there were people in my home. Never again. It actually makes me really angry thinking about it.

 

[Mara]

Haven that is a great idea, I know someone who did an Open House as well and it was a great success and yep, no visits for a long time afterwards! I did not plan ahead like this so we had people dropping in all the time or WANTING to. It was really hard for me to say no because they all wanted to come see the baby...and were all so well meaning.

I didn't have an issue with people who just dropped in for an hour or something...in fact I was home all the time so it was fine. But we had MIL and SIL come 5-6 weeks afterwards for about a week and it was just too soon to have guests. I was still figuring out our schedule and really still just wanted to be alone just us with the baby. The next guests we had were at about 3 months which was actually perfect. By then I felt like we had a real routine down, baby was out of the cranky fussy first 6-8 weeks stage (he had reflux and was crabby a lot of the time the first 2 months) so more pleasant, had more personality, etc. Now I don't mind if people come to visit or whatever...but the first 8 months I really just wanted to be alone with him and Greg unless we needed relief (aka grandma) to get away for a while.

I think it really depends on the parents, the baby and everyone involved.

 

[erupgrade]

I think you need to be firm about having some space and time together as a new family. When I had my first I staying in hospital for 5 days and in some ways that was great as family were restricted to visitint times. When I had my daughter I went home after a few hours and was descended upon by the whole family. I remember sitting there whilst everyone else held my new baby - my MIL had her for about an hour and I just sat there feeling really miserable. I don''t know why I didn''t ask for her back, think I was just exhausted and didn''t want to make a fuss. Over 3 years on it still upsets me to think about it and being pregnant again I will handle things very differently this time. I think a quick 10 min visit to see the baby and then just to be left in peace for a few days is ideal. Having said that it is so hard to put your wishes across without upsetting people.

When I had my first I was really struggling with feeding and my husband asked my ILs to knock on the door before coming in - they took offence and left!! He said the same to my parents who thought it was lovely and thoughtful and protective of him! We also live a few hours drive away from family and we did ask for them to stay in hotels - we don''t have much space anyway so it seemed easier that way rather than having everyone fighting over the one spare room, and it gave us the breathing space we needed.

Hope it all goes well with you, put yourself and your new family first and enjoy the precious first few days with your baby.

 

[Puppmom]

Fiery, that''s exactly what I''m trying to avoid! I''m trying to explain to DH that I''ll be in some compromising positions for a bit after the little one is born and not exactly up for company. Nevermind the fact that he will want to have time with the baby.

Mara, DH definitely has a hard time saying no to his parents for that exact reason - they ARE so well meaning. Good thing I can be a total b!

Diamond, seriously? Offended because you asked them to KNOCK? Now that''s nuts!

I just got an email from my mom that my sister will be flying in for a week the last week of September to see the new baby. I''m due August 9th so the timing sounds okay to me. Definitely better than anything sooner than that.

I think we''re just going to have to be firm. I''m going to try to nurse and, from what I understand, that means baby and I will be *out of commission* a lot. People aren''t coming to the house to see DH so they''ll certainly be disappointed! I think I might offer to maybe meet our parents for breakfast or something here and there so we can hang out and they can get their baby holds in but we''re not hanging out ALL day.

 

[erupgrade]

Of course depending on how long you are in hospital you can get the staff to limit your visiting times for you! I was quite tired after my first and there were times that the nurse would come in and tell me someone was waiting to see us and I would just ask if they could come back later. That or they would say to pop in but only for a short time so I could get some rest.

As I said I came home immediately after having my second and whilst it was good to get back to my son I plan to do it very differently this time. I am going to stay in hospital at least for a day so I can get the peace and quiet and time I need - as you may have gathered asking my IL's to give us some space will not go down too well!!

I think you will be ready to see your sister at the end of Sept and will probably enjoy your time together so much more having had a few weeks to adjust and rest.

Just one other thing, and I hope this doesn't sound too negative but I think it is important to set boundaries and let your feelings be known because in my experience if you don't it kind of allows people to walk over you a bit. I am terrible at saying 'no' and I think my inlaws know this, they just do what they want with the children - for example give them chocolate, tea, wrap them up in layers and layers at night etc even though I have said not to. The problem is that when they do I just keep quiet but get very angry and I am sure that if I had been firm from the start of our relationship and from the time the children arrived it would be much easier. Having children changes the relationship between you and your family and also the expectations on you and how they are going to be involved in your life so I would make your feelings clear from the start!!!

 

[gailrmv]

It can be very helpful to have people visit who will help you with chores around the house, cooking, pay attention to your pets, unload the dishwasher, etc. Also, people who will hold the baby while you nap or shower. In general I''d surround myself with people who make you feel refreshed and relaxed. I would welcome these kind of visitors with open arms. Anyone who makes you feel stressed out or who will not pitch in and help should not come to visit until you''ve gotten settled into your new routine!

 

[swimmer]

Date: 6/29/2010 1:08:29 PM
Author: Haven
A friend of mine just had her second baby and they came up with a fabulous way of getting around this issue. They sent out an evite to EVERYONE for a meet and greet for the baby. They called it an 'Open House' and set it for 10 AM to 5 PM on that one day. The invite said it was a casual open house for everyone to stop by and meet the baby. She enlisted a bunch of friends to come over and help with setting up and cleaning up, and it was perfect.

Now that over a month has passed she said she's really happy that they did it that way. When people who didn't make the open house called to see if they could stop by she didn't feel bad saying no if she wasn't up to it.

We did this, and you might too Haven if you have a boy, its a Bris!

I also love going to sip and sees, way more fun than showers since the baby is there and when it is a casual drop in thing, no horrid games with guessing weights or anything. Sip and See Everyone wants to see a new baby, managing it is key.

Just a different take from many who posted here. I wanted everyone to come over and see my new little guy. He is awesome and I want company. I can't imagine not having guests around, I like to be social and even my truly demanding MIL became helpful once he arrived. Babies are awesome, but distinctly unable to make conversation so I'd be batty without friends who still come by all the time. The trick is to make it clear when visits are OK and to take people up on their offers of help -repeat after me, "Yes, it would be great if you could bring us a lasagna!" "I really need some skim milk and eggs, thanks" Easy and then they don't bring you any more nb onesies... Only one guest was truly not helpful, so I asked her to hold him while I vacuumed, then there was no need to listen to her.

If your parents/In-Laws/or whoever loves you most on Earth can be useful, take them up on all offers of help! Your in-laws seem super well meaning, harness those good intentions. You will need runs to babies r us for unanticipated supplies, sizes will need to be exchanged, stupid presents returned, groceries procured, laundry run. In those first days give up caring about who sees your dirty laundry (dozens of people at the hospital will have seen far more!) and know that accepting offers of help can be like a present to those who love you. Wild horses could not have held back my parents, so they stayed with us after the first night and my dad stayed up with baby when he was a few days old just like he stayed up with me, so that I could sleep a bit between feedings. We left the house to do newborn photos and my parents cleaned the place, dishes, laundry, all of it. I was in heaven to come home to clean sheets. My pre-baby self would have wanted to do that to show my control/adultness, now I would rather sleep and snuggle.

Breastfeeding is challenging. Make sure that anyone you don't want in the room while you are bfing is out, but please don't retreat somewhere if you want to be part of the celebration. FIL etc can go hang on the front porch, don't let yourself be banished if you don't want to leave. Then again, bfing is the best excuse in the world to go into another room and enjoy some one on one time with your child.

Just wanted to throw some ideas out there, Pupp, you seem to be a pretty social lady from your posts and as another person who likes celebrations/gatherings, I wanted to chime in my 2 cents. Mostly, enjoy the firsts, accept all offers of help, and take a ton of photos!

 

[Puppmom]

Swimmer, thanks so much for your perspective! You''re right - I''m not some hermit that hates having company. I''m just really fearful that I won''t manage it properly and will end up miserable or barking at DH and making HIM miserable. First, the sip and see sounds brilliant! My mom and MIL would love to come over and help prepare for an event like that.

I definitely have a hard time *asking* for help but I can see how we''ll need it. I just keep thinking to myself that what people really want is to see the baby not clean my house. But, hey - doing an errand or two in exchange for a baby hold is totally worth it, right?

I really do appreciate your response - you made me think of this in a way that I hadn''t seen it. I was just really thinking about how much of an incovenience it can be but I think I might just be able to turn it into something positive!

And, yes - NO BOYS ALLOWED when I b/f! They don''t really come more modest than me.

I''m guessing I won''t have to ASK anyone to leave. My father and FIL will hit the street the moment I mention nursing!

Tandogmom, the dog! I could totally use someone to love on and walk my dog!!!! My poor boy is going to have a rough few weeks.

 

[KimberlyH]

i wish i had determined who i wanted present during delivery. the hospital limited total # of visitors to 4 for my entire stay due to h1n1, but one of them wanted to watch me deliver which i wasn''t okay with, it made things awkward. so i''d be sure to find out how many are allowed during delivery and make wishes known to all prior to delivery.

an open house sounds like a good idea, but be prepared for ppl to want to pass the baby around like a football if you go that route. baby''s immune system is weak, the first 29 days you will want to be careful.

we moved 2 days after i left the hospital and my mom stayed with us from the day i got home for 6 nights. it was a bit chaotic, but she took care of me and baby while my husband handled the move.

i told most ppl no to visiting. one person came by unannounced on several occasions, and sometimes with a family member or friend in tow (same person who wanted to watch me deliver). because of who she is, the closest friend of my deceased mil, i chose not to say anything, but wanted to. i started inviting guests over at about the 2 month mark, and saw some family when j was 6 wks old at my grandmas (small) 90th bday celebration.

 

[swimmer]

Great point about everyone wanting to handle the baby. DH wore baby E in a sling for the eating and kibbitzing part of the bris (get together for a Jewish baby boy's circumcision). That way everyone could see him, but DH could control the situation and there was no passing around. We love babywearing, calms him down and so secure. There was that one brand of slings that was poorly designed and recalled. (I only add that since some people seem to think that all slings were bad.) We used a hotsling in one of the infant postions and E was in heaven all cozy up close to his dad. My lactation consultant suggested this. She was a treasure in those first days, I highly suggest getting a LC or have a post-partum doula come by the house. My state requires insurance coverage of a visiting nurse, also great, you might want to check out what your insurance coverage provides.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My mom stayed with us for 10 days to help, but I do not consider her a guest. Otherwise, we did not really let people come over much. My in laws visited 1-2 times in the first 2 weeks, and by BIL ands SIL came by one time, and my best friends came by after a couple weeks too, but in the first 2 weeks I think it was only grandparents. Visits were SHORT, like 20 minutes. An easy excuse is when baby gets fussy to take the baby and go upstairs to feed, then it is your husband''s job to kick everyone out. Or the "I''m really tired, the baby and I are going to go lay down now" works well too.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Oh, and just say, "Sorry we are not ready for guests yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks?" if you are not ready! It is simplest to be direct.

 

[Puppmom]

Kimberly, I hear ya on the baby passing. I think I''ll wait until maybe 4-6 weeks to do it. Baby is more alert AND it won''t be so dang hot out. I think if I send out an invite ahead of time, most people (parents excluded) will wait until then to meet our little one. I also think that the help I''ll need with set-up, clean up and food is the perfect excuse for the moms to come by and get in their baby time AND I get some housekeeping help...win win! Oh, and I''ve already decided that NO ONE will be at the hospital when this kiddo is born except DH and maybe DD. I was fortunate enough to be there for the birth of my nephew. We planned ahead of time that I would be there. What my brother and SIL didn''t realize was that when the called the parents to let them know SIL was in labor, they took that as an invitation to come to the hospital! My mom came in to "say hi" but refused to leave! It was terribly awkward and I think they regret that the experience wasn''t what they hoped as a result. So, we will not be calling anyone until this kiddo OFFICIALLY makes his entrance.

DD, my husband is a crappy *bad cop*. I guess this will be a true test for him (well this and raising a kid!

). That''s one of the reasons we''re not even calling anyone until the baby is born. That way, he doesn''t have to fend anyone off at the hospital.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 6/30/2010 11:33:17 AM
Author: KimberlyH


an open house sounds like a good idea, but be prepared for ppl to want to pass the baby around like a football if you go that route. baby''s immune system is weak, the first 29 days you will want to be careful.

An open house after a month sounds good. Then you won''t be so tired (hopefully

) and may be more up to planning an event.

If you do have guests over who are use to being fed, ect., keep in mind they may still expect similar entertainment. Three of my relatives came over after my son was months old and within an hour of being at the house, they complained of being hungry. I felt so unprepared and like a bad host because I didn''t consider their needs even though I had a baby to take care of.

 

[waxing lyrical]

There were only guests/family that came to the hospital when I had our first baby. My grandma stopped by once we got settled at home (mom''s house). We didn''t live near family with our others so no guests.

 

[littlelysser]

My son will be 10 months in a few days - which is nuts, I can''t believe he''s almost a year old - but I was fine with guests.

Maybe I''m cut from a different cloth, but I had no problem with friends and family coming over - at the hospital or home. I had a really easy delivery, so I didn''t feel exhausted or tired or cranky...I just wanted my people to meet our gorgeous little baby! At home, our friends and family were of the "what can we do to help" variety and their presence was really appreciated. People brought food, did our laundry, held the baby while I snoozed, etc. Oh, and everyone washed and sanitized the heck out of their hands and knew to stay away if they had so much as an inkling of a sniffle.

I BFed - but I''ll admit that I''d whip my boobs out in front of anyone...friends and family.

My mom stayed with us the first night C was home from the hospital and that was really nice. Having someone we trusted was huge. That first night is a bit rough as you try to figure things out - having my mom there really eased the transition...

So I guess I''d advise to sort of play it by ear. You may be feeling good and really enjoying being surrounded by family - I was surprised to find that I did...

 

[Pandora II]

My hospital was strict on visitors - on the delivery floor you could only have your two named people, whose names had to be submitted in writing in advance (I had DH and a close friend who is also an OB was my standby just in case something happened and he couldn't be there), no-one else would even get past security at the front desk.

Once you were on the postnatal floor you could have two visitors at a time plus your partner during visiting hours and no children under 16 unless siblings of the new baby. I landed up in ICU for two days and there only your partner could visit.

It's the biggest maternity unit in the UK and so they're very security concious and as they have large NICU and SCBU in the postnatal department they also try to limit infection and keep noise to a reasonable level.

Daisy was born on a Sunday afternoon and my mother and my OB friend came to to see me on the Wednesday afternoon for a couple of hours. I hadn't slept in nearly 5 days by then and was pretty ill from a traumatic labour and PPH. The babyblues had also kicked in and I was losing it rather majorly to the extent that the psych. team were coming down to see me every few hours and even got a bed brought into my room so that DH could stay there with me for the rest of the week. We had to cancel his father coming to see us on the Thursday as I wasn't holding things together enough to cope, but did see his mother and her husband on the Friday.

I'd had a forceps delivery and they didn't skimp on the episiotomy and despite large amounts of morphine I was in huge amounts of pain and could barely sit down for the first 10 days. Add to that a complete lack of bladder control, nipples that had turned black and my inability to do much more than bawl my eyes out meant that I was not really wanting to be paraded in front of a load of friends and relations.

Once we got home we decided to go down to my parents the first Saturday when she was nearly 2 weeks old and to his mother's the next Saturday. Otherwise no visitors till week 3. Going to see people meant that WE were in control and could leave when we needed to rather than feeling we were kicking people out.

Everyone was very understanding - we'd explained in advance that Daisy would be born opiate-dependent and could have problems and would need to be kept somewhere quiet and so we wouldn't be inviting anyone other than the new grandparents to visit and then only if things were okay. In the end she was fine and it was me that was struggling...

If I was having a second we'd do exactly the same again. We did put up lots of photos on FB though so people could see her virtually if not in person.

 

[lliang_chi]

In my culture (Hakka Chinese) they have a special celebration for this 1 MONTH after the baby's born. Until then it's immediate family ONLY. Parents and maybe siblings. It's kind of a superstition thing, but also I think a sanity thing for the parents. You bet you bippy we're sticking to "tradition" for this even though we're so not the tradition types. Good luck!