Roomie advice?

[Indylady]

I''m going abroad this fall, and I''m starting my grant at the same time as another one of my cohort members- a guy, B. He''s fab; a total cutie pie, speaks the language, and has lived in a nearby country before so he knows what to expect. We get along like PB&J!

It would be convenient for me to with B (+1 or 2 other roomies also), but my family would flip at the idea of a mixed gender living situation. B is gay so he''s not going to make a move on me, doesn''t like me, etc.

Any ideas on how to approach this "talk"? Any moms that want to weigh in with their view, or others that have gone through a similar experience?

 

[charbie]

I''d suggest just being up front and honest about it. You may find that your parents might not react as terribly as you think they will. Explaining to them the benefits of this roommate "B" could go a long way. And remind them- YOU ARE AN ADULT. You have been awarded an AMAZING honor, clearly intelligent, and you would not go about this decision lightly. However, given that you are an intelligent adult, you realize one of the best decisions would be to have "B" as a roommate, and you hope they will respect your decision. I wouldn''t approach this necessarily as a question, but more as a "This is my plan, I understand if you''re not happy with the idea right now, but once you meet "B", I think you''ll realize why I made this decision."

My second year of college, I moved out of the dorms to live with one of my girlfriends. Initially it was just going to be the two of us, but we found a REALLY cheap 3 bedroom. At this point, we didn''t know who the 3rd was, but we went with it because the rent would be cheap enough with only the 2 of us if we didn''t end up finding a 3rd. Then we find Kyle, who was actually a straight guy who was friends with my roommie in high school. When I told my mom, she was actually ok with it, and was the one who brought up the point that she felt SO much better now that I had a male roommate because she felt like it would be a lot safer in our apartment. She said Kyle would provide some protection

 

[Indylady]

Aww, thank you Charbie! You are too sweet.

I had been thinking about using protection as an angle to approach this with. I am hoping they won''t react terribly as well. Its already a delicate situation as my parents are concerned with my safety living abroad, a male roomie might tip the scale and make them relieved, or might tip the scale in the other direction, and just be way too much for them to handle. I agree that how I frame it is integral; I''m crossing my fingers and my toes that this goes smoothly.

 

[Haven]

I like the safety angle. I know that would make me feel better as a big sister! No kids yet, though, so I have no idea how I''d respond as a mama.

Just wanted to wish you luck with this one, Indy!

 

[cara]

It really depends on your parents, and you know them better than us! BUT I think key to this discussion is that you do need to stiffen your spine and decide you are not asking permission from them, you are an adult sharing with them decisions you have made about how you are going to live your life. Present it as favorably as you can (and maybe even the gay-roomie thing will help, depending on their persuasion of conservatism) but be prepared to be firm with your decision in the end.

Of my friends that have eventually told such things to their conservative parents (though usually it is that they are living with a romantic partner), many times the parents have pleasantly surprised them in accepting the news, but the few times the parents reacted badly make me hesitant to say you should *count* on it. Expect a good reaction from them, but do be prepared in case they have a bad reaction and try to forbid you or something.

 

[Circe]

I never tried the male roommate angle on my folks, but I did try the living-in-sin-angle ... and the strange-female-roommate angle ... and the no-I-cannot-afford-a-doorman-building-you-lunatics-angle ... and the yes-I-am-moving-to-Harlem angle. I got temporarily disowned for the first one, and a lot of yelling on the others, and my advice is to keep your temper, and simply keep repeating the bits of information that make this idea seem so sensible to you. You''re a tremendously competent grown woman, and your parents are now entitled to an opinion, but no more. This is as good a time, and as good a point, as any to start to bring them to a gentle understanding of that fact.

 

[havernell]

I agree with Cara that the most important thing is for you to go in with the mindset that you are telling them what you have already decided, not asking their permission or gathering their views on the matter. If your parents start to protest, I would just kindly repeat (over and over if necessary) that the matter is already decided and not up for debate. You are simply extending them the courtesy of knowing the details of your upcoming abroad experience. So, don't think of it as a "talk" with your parents; rather it's a straightforward communication of plans.

I'm not even sure that listing all of the reasons why this is a good idea in an attempt to "convince" your parents is necessary/a good strategy. You shouldn't have to convince anyone of your own decisions. By demonstrating that you seek to convince your parents, you in fact ARE giving them entry into your decision. Now, if your parents ask out of curiosity how you made the decision to live with B, I think you should share your reasons. But I don't think you should use your reasons to try to convince them to think the same way you do about the decision, if that makes sense.

Of course I assume when you say you have a grant, it means that your living expenses will be covered and that your parents are in no way paying for housing abroad. If your parents are helping to finance you living abroad, then the situation is a bit trickier...

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Wow, even Mr. Roeper was okay with it as long as the guy roommate was gay.

 

[VRBeauty]

I agree with the straight-forward approach, especially if your parents have already met your friend.

You should also check to see how this arrangement would be viewed in the country you''ll be in.

 

[Indylady]

Thank you Haven, Cara, Circe, and Havernell!

Haven, I hope the safety angle works too. Having a little diversity in the roomie situation would hopefully deter attention away from our apartment, as I think its going to be obvious we're foreign. Thank you for wishing me luck!

Cara, I know just what you mean. Its very interesting that you mention their "persusaion of conservatism." Thankfully, my parents are not homophobic. If they were, that would be quite the double whammy I'd be working against. My friends that are living together have had similar, often unexpected reactions...one of my close friends is moving in with her SO, and purchasing a cot for the living room and convinced his parents that that's where he'd be sleeping! Somehow, this swayed his anti-living in sin parents into tacit acceptance.

Circe, temporarily disowned? I've verged on that many times! I'd love to hear your stories. Its definitely a good time to make them see that I'm adult.

Havernell, it is fully funded, so they won't be supporting me, unless there's an emergency or some other unexpected situation. Repeat to self: I am an adult. Somehow I feel like its going come out like Cartman on Southpark, going, "Whateva, I do what I want!"

And thank you Fluer and VR Beauty!

 

[lulu]

Date: 7/2/2010 1:38:38 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
Wow, even Mr. Roeper was okay with it as long as the guy roommate was gay.

Crap, I actually got that reference. I am so old.

 

[Brynn]

Great advice so far! Saw this and had to chime in as I''ve been in a similar situation as you.

My parents are relatively conservative Catholics. While I''m Catholic as well, I trend far more towards the cultural norms of our generation. I''ve always been so surprised at their reaction to the potential of my living with platonic male roommate! While they would probably be pretty hesitant to support my living with a SO, they''ve always been okay, enthusiastic even, about the prospect of my having a male roommate. It''s always framed around the safety issue, and also re: how helpful guys can be around the house!

So my two cents: give your parents a shot! They just might surprise you too (especially as their daughter is about to embark on a pretty exciting adventure)!!

 

[Brynn]

P.S. Have a great time!!

 

[lilyfoot]

Re:

Date: 7/2/2010 1:38:38 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
Wow, even Mr. Roeper was okay with it as long as the guy roommate was gay.

 Crap, I actually got that reference. I am so old.

Hey, I'm only 21, and I got the reference! I love that show .. of course, I wasn't watching it when it originally aired, but that's small peanuts