Does marital satisfaction really go down after having a baby?

[Mrs Mitchell]

I didn''t experience a dip, quite the opposite. If anything, it peaked when we brought A home. As Dreamer pointed out, it''s hard to quantify retrospectively, so in my mind it was a huge peak looking back, but that might be just a fond recollection. It certainly didn''t dip though, so it''s not inevitable.

We were tired, we didn''t bother to have sex, we lived in an absolute pigsty, and we were the happiest and most intimate we have ever been. Those first four or five months were fantastic for us.

We aren''t going to have another baby, but we both miss that newborn time, it was very precious and it made our marriage much stronger.

 

[ChinaCat]

If you have problems in your marriage before kids, I think a child will blow those issues wide open. It''s sort of like people thinking that their SO will change (for the better) AFTER marriage. Rarely happens. If anything, people get comfortable and those little issues become big issues. A kid just exacerbates those issues.

So assuming you have a good relationship before kids, then the honest answer is YES it does affect your marriage. Both for good and bad. I have a very helpful and equal partner, he adores our son and we are 50/50 when it comes to parenting and the household. Even with that, we have had some days of marital unbliss for sure.

Along with how hard breastfeeding can be, I think this is one of those things that no one talks about, but I think new moms should know. I was so not prepared for how resentful I could feel of my DH. I was not prepared for how exhausted I would be at the end of the day, so that I had zero energy left for my DH. But the thing is, those things were temporary. If you and your DH are truly partners and can talk this stuff through, then it''s just a blip.

And it also affects for the good, as EB and others mentioned. Before I got married, I wondered how a ceremony and a piece of paper could make a difference. And for me at least, it did. It made me feel like I was truly part of a team, a family, that there was someone beside me that was my present and my future, that there was someone that I was always going to have to come home to. And then we had our son and oh my, there is nothing in my life that could have prepared me for how much love I have for not only my son, but also my husband as his father. And we are even more committed to each other now, we are our son''s parents and even if there is a blip of unsatisfaction, there was never any question that we would fight through it.

And there is NOTHING that can melt my heart faster than watching my husband''s face light up at the sight of his son.

So yes, there are tough moments in those first few sleepless months. But I think they''ve made us stronger.

Sorry for the novel!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/7/2010 1:29:35 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 5/7/2010 1:13:11 PM
Author: dreamer_d
As for us, I don''t think we had a dip in satisfaction

, but that is because DH was an equal parent with me. He took 6 weeks of paternity leave and contributed a LOT to raising baby. I would have been one unhappy lady with the type of husband many of my friends have, who do little or nothing to help with baby or maintaining the house.



Ladies who have not had baies yet: If you want a happy marriage post baby then work on your husabnd''s contribution to the household now and make sure he contributes to baby as much as possible in those early weeks. You will thank yourself later. Just read the newborn thread to see what a big issue this is.

Great point dreamer, and something I definitely have thought about.

I will say that I feel very comfortable with idea of having children with DH (which I did not with past partners) because he is a super-star when it comes to contributing to the household. He also wants to be the stay-at-home parent (of course I would take a few weeks off!). It also makes more sense for him to do so as a) he loves being a house-husband and is good at it, b) is great with kids, and c) can get paid paternity leave whereas I can''t (being self-employed).

I will admit...I am actually concerned that *I* would be the one not doing enough to help out or may be the one who feels a bit left out of the parent-child bond (I aim to make sure that does not happen...but I also know how exhausted I am after a day of work to get things done at house...never mind also have babies around!).

Ooops! This is pretty much what we have - I don''t really pull my weight when it comes to housekeeping, shopping, laundry and stuff and DH deals with the hard slog bits of childcare (early morning stuff, diapers and vomit). If it was the other way round, I would likely be packing a suitcase by now, but DH revels in it all, so play to your strengths.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I thought that I would mention that just because your sex life is less frequent, doesn''t mean your marital satisfaction is going down too! There''s the general idea that "less sex" = bad sign, but I don''t think that''s true. As long as both partners are satisfied and happy with the sex life, then I don''t think frequency matters. There have been times where DH and I have so much work to do that weeks go by with no nookie, and honestly, we don''t even notice it because it doesn''t mean we''re less happy with each other, or less connected. Those weeks feel as emotionally close and happy as the weeks when we''re more..rabbit like. We just had less energy and time to pursue that small part of our life together for a time. Unless less sex really makes you physicially/emotionally cranky, I wouldn''t make it a problem by worrying it''s an impending sign of doom or thinking that you "should" be having more sex. I think people get caught up in the idea that sex is a marker of how healthy a relationship is, and in my opinion, that''s just not true.

Anyways, I certainly hope when we have kids our relationship won''t go kaput! We communicate well and share priorities and goals, so we''ll see what happens!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/7/2010 4:21:44 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I thought that I would mention that just because your sex life is less frequent, doesn''t mean your marital satisfaction is going down too! There''s the general idea that ''less sex'' = bad sign, but I don''t think that''s true. As long as both partners are satisfied and happy with the sex life, then I don''t think frequency matters. There have been times where DH and I have so much work to do that weeks go by with no nookie, and honestly, we don''t even notice it because it doesn''t mean we''re less happy with each other, or less connected. Those weeks feel as emotionally close and happy as the weeks when we''re more..rabbit like. We just had less energy and time to pursue that small part of our life together for a time. Unless less sex really makes you physicially/emotionally cranky, I wouldn''t make it a problem by worrying it''s an impending sign of doom or thinking that you ''should'' be having more sex. I think people get caught up in the idea that sex is a marker of how healthy a relationship is, and in my opinion, that''s just not true.

Anyways, I certainly hope when we have kids our relationship won''t go kaput! We communicate well and share priorities and goals, so we''ll see what happens!

Totally agree. I think sex is great and all, but it isn''t how I define my marriage.

 

[mtjoya]

Date: 5/7/2010 11:15:43 AM
Author: fiery
It was no secret that our relationship suffered after DD arrived. The main two causes were lack of communication and no boundaries with his mother.

We were together for 7 years before DD arrived and had always been in-sync. We hardly argued and we agreed on everything. Things were effortless. BUT our lives consisted of work and hanging out. Our lives were easy so our relationship was easy-breezy. We never had challenges to face or overcome. We just went with the flow.

Then DD came along and turned everything upside down. Our ability to communicate with each other effectively came into question and we failed miserably. It took a long time (4 months) to finally realize that we needed to communicate with one another.

I hate to say this because it sounds kind of mean but we needed this. We needed a total breakdown in communication in order to bring out the flaws we both had. We just accepted things as it was before. The whole experience brought out so many issues that were buried because everything else was wonderful.

I feel a lot more connected to him now than I did before. We still have some issues we are working through (which is why we have a hold on wedding/marriage plans) but I feel like we both grew up and are moving in a really positive direction.

I went EXACTLY thru this. Plus, to add to my frustration I fell into a bad case of baby blues. I took out everything on him! I am not saying that everything was my fault but it was his too. He changed as a person and at different points he was mean to me. I think that the lack of sleep, communication and the change in our lives is to blame. One morning, he woke up to his old self again. We have since communicated and have been better since. All in all I hated this phase because of what I was going thru and how our lives changed. The only reason that kept me going was my DD.

 

[swingirl]

Having children will exaggerate your flaws and bring out demons from your own upbringing that have been comfortably hiding for years. The stress of children brings everyone to the breaking point. It might be when you are sleep deprived with a newborns or at your wits end with a rebellious teenager.

Some people make great spouses but horrible parents. But every mom's heart melts when she sees her husband take his daddy role seriously. The I am sure fathers feel the same way.

 

[steph72276]

Yes for our first. It is a drastic change to go from 2 to 3 and the husband honestly gets lost in the shuffle often times when the mom is nursing, rocking, changing, generally caring for the baby and trying to figure everything out. There is little time for each other and for going out on dates, etc at first. The stress of caring for a new baby (especially one with high needs or medical issues like my first) can really take a toll on a couple those first few months especially. But yes, it did rebound after the first year or so. And it has been totally different with baby number two. I guess we know what to expect this time and are more of a team this go around.

ETA: I agree with others that said when the baby starts sleeping through the night, a lot of the bickering stops. I know I don't function well on no sleep and I'm much harder to get along with.

 

[Mara]

others have already touched on most of the basic points. kids will totally highlight issues or flaws you both had going on beforehand. so will sleepless nights and a colicky baby...everyone is crabby. there may be less alone time, less sexy time, less outings solo/together, less time for conversation esp at first.

but having a child to me has bonded us even more than we were before. it doesn''t matter if you get along well or are as ''hot'' for each other as before the kid came along. what matters are things like my husband helping me through L&D when typically the sight of blood makes him pass out; or encouraging me to get through the breastfeeding humps and cheering me when things go right. or when he tells people that i am a wonderful mother. as china said, seeing his face light up when holding our baby is priceless.

if marital satisfaction is measured by sex and party time together, then sure it''s definitely gone down. but in terms of bonding and ''feeling''... this is probably the happiest we have been so far and hopefully it will only get better.

 

[Sha]

Had a busy day yesterday so am just getting a chance to respond. It's really interesting reading everybody's thoughts and experiences.

Laila - it's funny people say that to you about your happiness going down....

"thanks for the enthusiasm, folks"! Sheesh. I don't think it's automatic that couples will be less satisifed after a baby. I do agree that it takes effort, though. I try to make an conscious effort to continue to see myself as a wife and woman, and not just a mother, and I try to remember to treat my husband as a man and not just a daddy. That might mean little things like pampering myself - putting some on nice nailpolish, doing up my hair, discussing politics with the hubby, complimenting him on his looks, or giving him a massage. I really think it's important to continue to nurture the marriage, especially after a baby, just as much as you nurture your children. After all - the marriage came first, didn't it? If we didn't have our partners, we wouldn't have our children, right? So I really think it's important not to forget that. The marriage is like the foundation you build your family on. If that foundation crumbles, then it affects the whole family. That's how I look at it.

I'm a bit scared about the transition from 1 child to 2, though. It seems like that would take a lot more work and effort to manage. But again, not impossible... I suppose it might take a longer time to rebound, though.

Tgal - I relate to that 'bonding family moment' you described. DH and I had that a few weeks ago, when we were lying in bed cradling our daughter We were gazing at her lovingly and she looked at us and smiled......

and then DH and I looked at each other together and smiled and kissed.

Sigh....SUCH a happy moment...

Also agree that intimacy is much more than sex. DH and I don't do it that much, but I think we're still pretty intimate in other ways - talking and sharing, laughter, snuggles on the couch etc. I think that even if you're not having sex, it's important to find ways to be intimate with each other.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

One of the things that made things so good for me when DD was born was a bit weird, I suppose. DH was married before, and his first wife was a LC and midwife. DH must have picked up a lot of detail. He was able to help me get A''s latch right and he just knew stuff about BFing that was such a big help. He also seemed to understand how isolating and overwhelming BFing can be - he sat with me and talked to me while I fed A in the early months, even at night. He read books out loud to me, brought me drinks and snacks and was generally involved in that aspect of having a newborn. I really learned to appreciate him in those days, more than ever before.

 

[Miscka]

Date: 5/7/2010 12:13:49 PM
Author: Callisto
I don''t have kids at the moment but this definitely scares me. I was a graph in a psychology textbook that showed average marital satisfaction and it basically plummeted upon having kids and then slowly improved as the kids got older but didn''t reach the pre-kid level until the kids were out of the house... it has basically terrified me about having kids in the future.


SO and I stayed together happily for 3 years in a long distance relationship... I guess I''m just hoping we can beat the odds again and throughout our entire relationship.

I saw that graph too

 

[Jas12]

For us, things like sex decreased for a while and tempers were short in the first 6 mos due to lack of sleep & me feeling some resentment about not having as much help as i needed (as others have metnioned the best thing a hubby can do is HELP in those early months) so satisfaction in physical intimacy was generally low then.

However, satisfaction in emotional intimacy increased for me. Seeing my DH as a dad and sharing our love for our kid created a bond much deeper than marriage vows. It was like "wow, we made this together and only parents truly know what it feels like to share it"

So as time went on, sleep improved, we got used to being parents etc. The physical intimacy mostly returned and i''d say overall life was busier but more satisfyingly full.

I expect the same thing to happen with kid #2, but the dip in satisfaction will probably last longer and be harder to fight back from.

 

[Pandora II]

DH and I put a lot of time into discussing whether we even wanted a child in the first place and I think this gave us a chance to look at potential problems in advance and resolve any differences before we were sleep deprieved and irritable.

I think that we are probably happier, more secure and more connected than ever before. Okay, so we''ve only DTD once in a whole year (

) and only 3 times since I got KU... but it hasn''t made any difference to the level of affection or even how attractive we find each other. Sometimes just getting that look or touch that you know would lead to

if you weren''t exhausted/dealing with screaming baby etc is enough to keep that side going.

We decided early on that I would do the vast majority of baby-care - it was important that DH got a full night''s sleep so that he could work the next day and be able to look after me if necessary. On the other hand, he does a lot of the housework.

The only area we had a big argument over was him wanting to stand for election this year. I knew first hand what the commitment was in terms of time and I wasn''t prepared to become a ''single mother'' for 5 years while he spent every weekend and most evenings campaigning and then working on top of his normal job. I don''t think either of us had reckoned just how hard a baby can be and fortunately he agreed to withdraw his nomination - and is now very relieved!

 

[KimberlyH]

Things have definitely changed post-baby, but not for the worse, it''s just different. There are times when we are both very tired and step on one another''s toes, but we resolve things quickly. We have a great system worked out for who does what, we are committed to being patient with one another and understanding of the challenges we both face by having added a new person to our family who we are totally responsible for and we show each other a lot of appreciation for all the other person does to keep our household running smoothly. I am the primary care taker of our daughter, he does alll of the cooking and 95% of the cleaning. We carve time out to be together as a family and are committed to spending more time together as a couple once we get a our feet a bit more firmly planted in parenthood. Being parents has been such a blessing for us, and we are both so in love with each other and our daughter that any challenges we have faced so far seem inconsequential.

 

[cara]

Date: 5/9/2010 11:49:29 AM
Author: Miscka

Date: 5/7/2010 12:13:49 PM

Author: Callisto
I don''t have kids at the moment but this definitely scares me. I was a graph in a psychology textbook that showed average marital satisfaction and it basically plummeted upon having kids and then slowly improved as the kids got older but didn''t reach the pre-kid level until the kids were out of the house... it has basically terrified me about having kids in the future.


SO and I stayed together happily for 3 years in a long distance relationship... I guess I''m just hoping we can beat the odds again and throughout our entire relationship.

I saw that graph too

I think I''ve seen these studies too. The additional point though is that while ''happiness'' goes down with kids in the house, having/raising kids gives couples a shared sense of purpose that brings a different kind of satisfaction. So its not all bad IIRC.