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Anyone else have an extremely affectionate spouse?

laughwithme

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My best girl friend and I share the same problem with our significant others (she''s married, I''m getting married next month.) They constantly need physical affection! This morning, my fiance and I had a pretty big arguement over this. For about the last 2 years (we''ve been together 4,) particularly in the mornings when I''m attempting to get ready, or the evenings when I''m unwinding/cooking dinner, my fiance wants to be hugging me, grabbing me, FRENCH kissing me! Don''t get me wrong, I am totally attracted to him and love kissing, cuddling, intimacy, etc....but its always when I''m BUSY or stressed or in the middle of something.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, I said I needed to sit him down, so I did, and told him how frustrating this is. When I''m doing my mascara, and he is trying to passionately kiss my neck, COME ON! I said when I''m getting ready in the morning and unwinding at night, please - just a peck and quick hug, then let''s each do our thing, then we can cuddle while watching tv, etc. He did well for a few months but is back at it again. This morning, while doing my makeup, he walked up to me to try to bear-hug me and I snapped and shoved him off of me and said "you know I don''t like being mauled when doing my makeup." He was REALLY offended, said I''m not patient with him, and my reply was - how can I be patient with you when you do the same thing EVERY morning that you know I don''t like???

I probably sound like such a terrible fiance - and I know there are women who wish their spouses had more affection - but I truly feel like there is a time and situation where its expected and ok, and other times when its just downright annoying.

One time, I tried to "play his game" and crawl all over him when he was on his computer, but he mis-read that and totally loved it and wanted to head to the bedroom.

What do you think?
 

Octavia

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I know exactly how you feel, I could have written your post almost word-for-word. My DH's favorite time to do this is while I'm chopping vegetables...but spontaneous physical affection + chef's knife in use = cranky Octavia. His response? "In 50 years, you'll look back on this and wonder why you didn't welcome it." It's not that I don't want physical affection, it's just that his timing is off! I banned DH from touching me while I'm holding a knife on the grounds that it's a safety issue, but other than that, I don't really have an answer...
 

Erin

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My last bf was extremely affectionate. At first I totally welcomed it because it was so unlike what I was used to. I soaked it up like a sponge. Now. I don't know if it was because my attraction for him dwindled (we only dated 6 weeks) but it started to feel like it was all the time and while I was driving or brushing my teeth or reading. We hadn't dated long enough for me to feel comfortable saying Don't do that - without him getting the wrong impression.

Maybe when he's in the middle of being gropey, grab his hand and hold onto it really tight and still while smiling?
 

lilyfoot

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Date: 5/6/2010 1:39:58 PM
Author:laughwithme
I probably sound like such a terrible fiance - and I know there are women who wish their spouses had more affection - but I truly feel like there is a time and situation where its expected and ok, and other times when its just downright annoying.
I don''t really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you do not sound like a terrible fiance at all!
 

princesss

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That would drive me BONKERS.

M used to try to hug me or surprise me while I was doing my make-up (always while I was putting on mascara) or plucking my eyebrows. Finally I had to point out that if HE wants to hold a relatively sharp stick next to HIS eye while I run up from behind and force his body forward, I''m happy to, but I''d like to keep my sight, thankyouverymuch.

Not sure what to do if you''ve explained that you don''t like it, though. Maybe just keep hammering that point home?
 

swingirl

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I don''t have any advice but I will say the level of physical affection wanted or given will not change. You won''t eventually warm up to it and he wont eventually turn it off. It''s just his nature to act impulse and your nature to want sex and romance in a more predictable environment.

He likes it spontaneous and may even enjoy the concept of disrupting your task.

You like it planned and relaxed.
 

elrohwen

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I can relate 100%.

DH is extremely physically affectionate, but too often it results in being a PITA. He can't just give me a hug, he has to also try to pick me up, lean on me, jump around, or do something else that turns a nice hug into an annoyance. I believe that part of this is that he grew up with a sister and they would wrestle and rough house (they still occasionally have slapping contests, where they slap each other on the arm as hard as they can
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). I'm an only child, so I'm just not used to any kind of rough housing and I don't really like it. Often I feel like he's being affectionate to the point where he's hurting me (by picking me up, jumping on top of me, etc) and then I get angry. Am I being a baby? Of course - he's not actually hurting me, but it still ticks me off sometimes. I feel kind of claustrophobic when he's jumping on me and I feel like I can't get away.

I will say he's gotten better. We did have serious conversations about it in the past, but he's to the point where he will get off me when I tell him I've had enough. He also used to get me riled up at bed time (tickling, poking, etc) and then I couldn't sleep, but he's mostly stopped that too. I think it just takes time to talk it out and agree to some kind of stop signal that he will respect. Right now, it sounds like your FI isn't reading the signs that you're not in the mood and he needs to get better at reading those signs or taking your word for it when you ask him to stop.

I don't want to change DH - he loves me and this is part of the way he shows it - but I'm also glad that we're to the point where I can tell him to knock it off and he does. I can't wait until we have kids and he can rough house with them
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DH's favorite line, that usually makes me laugh, is "But I'm just trying to play with you!" lol He really is like a labrador retriever sometimes.

eta: Funny enough, just like a lab, exercise helps. The days he's lifted at the gym or played bball with friends he's much more calm. The days he comes straight home from work I just know he's going to be all over me!
 

Sha

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My DH is very affectionate too, whereas I like my personal space. He loves to kiss and hug, and sometimes will call me from sending an email on the computer to 'give him a kiss', or snuggle with him. Sometimes I just want to do what I'm doing or spend some 'alone time' thinking or mulling over something, and he gets a bit offended and says I don't love him. I don't think he means it, though. He also likes PDA, and me? Not so much. I don't like people watching me if they don't have to. He also likes to play and roughhouse too, and sometimes I'm not in the mood for play!

Sounds like your fiance needs to make a greater effort to give you some space, esp. when you're doing important things, esp. since you've discussed it with him already.

Perhaps both of you need to compromise with each other - you accept the affection every once in a while (even when you're doing something important) and he try to back off a little more.
 

kittybean

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I''m the extremely affectionate spouse in my relationship--I love giving and receiving affection. However, I know there are times when DH does not want me all over him. I understand that attacking him with hugs and kisses while he''s working or cooking or shaving is totally inappropriate. He never said anything to me about it before, but judging from his reactions, I knew I needed to back off a little and give him more personal space.

Laughwithme, I think you just need to keep telling him (in a nice way!) that you''d like him to save the affection for a more appropriate time. He might need reminders, since his default state seems to be constant-passionate-affection mode. He might never actually change, but I think he''s showed you that he is able to at least give you some space when you''ve requested it. Also, maybe when he hugs or kisses you at an appropriate time, show or tell him how much you appreciate it. Positive reinforcement might help.
 

charbie

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eta: Funny enough, just like a lab, exercise helps. The days he''s lifted at the gym or played bball with friends he''s much more calm. The days he comes straight home from work I just know he''s going to be all over me!
ditto. DH isn''t the all over kind of cuddly kind of guy, and we are usually on the same page for when we want some physical affection. however, i do notice that if he''s been at the gym or just worked out, usually he isn''t quite in the mood like he would be had he NOT been at the gym.
 

Laila619

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Yes, DH is very affectionate, but it''s more verbal than physical, which I love!!
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He does always want me to kiss him in the morning though, and I am usually crabby and don''t like to. So he''ll say, "Gimme a kiss!" and I''ll be like, No!
 

elrohwen

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Date: 5/6/2010 4:06:37 PM
Author: charbie



eta: Funny enough, just like a lab, exercise helps. The days he's lifted at the gym or played bball with friends he's much more calm. The days he comes straight home from work I just know he's going to be all over me!
ditto. DH isn't the all over kind of cuddly kind of guy, and we are usually on the same page for when we want some physical affection. however, i do notice that if he's been at the gym or just worked out, usually he isn't quite in the mood like he would be had he NOT been at the gym.

We actually don't DTD all that often, we're not super passionate in the bedroom, but DH is just super cuddly! So when I meant all over me, I meant literally in the sense of jumping on top of me, hugging me, dancing around, etc. Lol Though maybe his working out almost every day also has something to do with our bedroom frequency.

 

Circe

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Gotta say, I think part of this can be attributed to the general social attitude that women''s bodies are public property: people in general are more likely to comment on how we look and what we eat: pregnant women are frequently belly-patted without warning; a lot of women I know, both curly and straight, have to put up with the hair-strokers of the world. A lot of the above might be well-intentioned, just like the affectionate boyfriends ... but I think it''s definitely a gender issue.

And, yeah, my husband does it too. I do feel sort of like I''m kicking a puppy and/or being ungrateful if I ask him not to "appreciate" me when I''m doing stuff, but you know what? Boundaries are a good thing. My closest parallel?

(Yes, I know this makes me a bad person.)

I love to tickle my husband. I think it is HI-LARIOUS. He doesn''t really concur, but there''s not much he can do about it ... I''m not ticklish! But if he tells me it''s bugging him, I knock it off (reluctantly - after all, I''m just being playful!). When I pointed that parallel out to him, he got a little quiet, and started "appreciating" with his eyes and not his hands when I was in the middle of doing things ....
 

elrohwen

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Date: 5/6/2010 4:14:17 PM
Author: Laila619
Yes, DH is very affectionate, but it''s more verbal than physical, which I love!!
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He does always want me to kiss him in the morning though, and I am usually crabby and don''t like to. So he''ll say, ''Gimme a kiss!'' and I''ll be like, No!
DH does this to me alll the time! We''ll be sitting on the couch and he''ll pucker up and say "Gimme a kiss!" So I''ll do it, but then he wants another. After the second one I''m usually done playing along so I say no
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Then he pouts, and I give in. He''s so demanding!
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elrohwen

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Date: 5/6/2010 4:26:37 PM
Author: Circe
I love to tickle my husband. I think it is HI-LARIOUS. He doesn''t really concur, but there''s not much he can do about it ... I''m not ticklish! But if he tells me it''s bugging him, I knock it off (reluctantly - after all, I''m just being playful!). When I pointed that parallel out to him, he got a little quiet, and started ''appreciating'' with his eyes and not his hands when I was in the middle of doing things ....
I love this! The same is true of us and he''s such a big baby when I try to tickle him. I''m totally using this example with him next time he gets on my nerves.
 

iheartscience

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I think men don''t really read situations as well as women do and that''s part of the problem. I''m not a sensitive person, but I''m very sensitive to social interactions and can pretty much always tell when something isn''t quite right.

That being said, if you''ve told your fiance not to hug you and kiss you when you''re in the middle of something and he still does, that''s more a problem of him not listening to you. I think you two should have a serious talk and you should lay down some ground rules. You can tell him you don''t want him hugging you when you''re getting ready to leave in the morning or cooking, EVER. But he is more than welcome to hug you at other times like when you''re watching TV on the couch, etc.

And if he still doesn''t listen after you lay down ground rules, it''s a more serious problem than just differing levels of affection.
 

packrat

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JD gets touchy feely at times and drives me crazy. Finally it was like DUDE, I''d like to be able to walk past you ONCE without you grabbing my ass or my boobs! GAWD. It was so irritating that at one point I just was like leave me alone, get away from me! Especially when I was nursing-that really torked me off. It got me to the point that I didn''t want to be touched at ALL so yeah, try that on for size at night when you want *me* to touch *you*. After all that touching you can go touch yourself.
 

zoebartlett

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My husband is way more affectionate than I am, and it''s always been that way.
 

RaiKai

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DH is very affectionate - both verbally and physically. On the physical side, he comes up and squeezes me all the time, loves to snuggle morning and night, and will come to grab at me while I am in the shower and so on. I think almost anytime I get somewhere near naked his radar comes off and he comes running to pounce. Sometimes it is silly, and sometimes it is a little more tender, or a little more aggressive, but it's just the way he is. I consider myself relatively affectionate too...and so not all the butt grabbing is done by him. Public displays are limited to hand holding and hugging/snuggling and a few sneaky grabs no one else can see, and DH absolutely detests random pecks in public (but is okay with longer smooches at times as long as not too obvious), and we both cringe at people who sit on other people's laps in public (what is up with that?) but in private, we are both very affectionate.

That being said, we still respect each others space and boundaries - for example DH does not like if *I* get too close to him in the kitchen where he may potentially be wielding sharp (or not so sharp) implements. I learned that pretty quick and now respect that boundary. Ditto with the pecks in public thing. I tried that once early on and found out as we talked later he just does not like the "public peck"! So, no more. And if my boobs are a bit more sensitive due to the time of the month - he won't grope them (and will rub my back instead - bonus!). All I had to do was say once that my boobs felt really sensitive that time of the month and I did not enjoy them being grabbed and that was it. Another example, I get up really early to go for a run. I need that personal space and time in the morning and do not want to sleep in longer and miss out on it. DH would rather sleep in a bit longer and snuggle. So I get up, run, shower, and go back to bed for another 10-15 minutes to snuggle before I get ready for work. And I will be honest, that 10-15 minutes of snuggle time...even if I do need to get ready for work - is just as beneficial to me as it is to him I think!

Quite honestly, after having been with someone who was NOT physically affectionate in the past, I am quite happy to be with a man who gropes and squeezes me regularly. DH is just a very physical kind of guy - a very sensual guy overall. He loves to dance and talk and sing and just be alive...and the physical affection is part of that enthusiasm. Being in that past relationship...I can say I have a FAR better understanding of just how it might feel to be accused of mauling, or to have my physical affections (even the clumsy ones) rejected. I learned from that to be a lot more compassionate in situations where perhaps my partner was in the mood for some extra-loving and affection, and maybe I wasn't.

I guess my point is...this is who your fiance is. And this is who you are. Somehow you need to figure out if you can find some balance that works for you both - without coming to situations where you protest that he is mauling you, or where you feel like you are being mauled in the first place....as that will put quite a bit of strain on things between you.
 

4ever

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BF is the affectionate type, hugging, kissing, touching, hand holding, firemans lifting, he likes to lay on me when we watch TV so I will stroke/massage his head etc. I usually just let him at home, as long as it''s not in frount of other people I''m fine with it.

What drives me crazy is when he does it in public. I will hold his hand in public but get anoyed when we are walking along the street and he randomly makes me stop for hugs and kisses and won''t let me go or he decides it''s a good time for a firemans lift or to get a bit gropey. It drives me mental because I''m a reserved and self consious person and do not want to be slung over my BFs shoulders, ass in air in public. He get''s told off when I don''t like it which makes him pouty and he wont do it for a few weeks untill he forgets.

The second thing that drive me mental is what I said before, him laying on me when we watch TV so I will touch his head. Fine for half and hour or so but when I stop because I don''t want to anymore he will make noises or shake his head to indicate he want''s me to continue which makes me mad because it feels like he''s being inconsiderate of my feelings when in reality he has no idea I''m getting pissed off, he just really likes having his head touched. Once I was doing this through a movie and everytime I stopped he would say "touchy" untill I stated again. After this 2 and a half hour long film he WOKE UP and had no recolection of bullying me into touching his hair. I was fumming!
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joflier

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My ex was like this. It drove me up the freaking wall. I tried telling him numerous times that I need a little space - it was just smothering me. It was an issue, because he would get offended then, and never really listen or understand that there''s a time and place for things. At least for me. I have no advice other than to keep talking about it (in a kind way, try not to get snappy, even though your annoyed) But your not alone, and your not a bad person for wanting some space to get things done!
 

Dreamer_D

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My husband is exactly like yours. He would prefer to be hugging me 24/7.

I call is "schmuggling" [sch-MUH-gl-ing] when he crosses my personal comfort zone for closeness. He attacks me all the time when I am working as well, in the kitchen, getting ready. I snap at him "Don''t schmuggle me!" He gets the point.

It was a big negotiation in our relationship. Early on we had a lot of conversations about it. I make an effort to snuggle him more and he has learned to just live with the fact that I will shake him off if I am busy.

I suspect with this type of man, if they get upset when we don''t like being schmuggled it is because they think it is a rejection of them. I have noticed my DH is more all over me when he is feeling insecure. Sometimes just going out of my way to tell him I love him will help him leave me alone
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Dreamer_D

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Date: 5/6/2010 4:26:37 PM
Author: Circe
Gotta say, I think part of this can be attributed to the general social attitude that women''s bodies are public property: people in general are more likely to comment on how we look and what we eat: pregnant women are frequently belly-patted without warning; a lot of women I know, both curly and straight, have to put up with the hair-strokers of the world. A lot of the above might be well-intentioned, just like the affectionate boyfriends ... but I think it''s definitely a gender issue.

And, yeah, my husband does it too. I do feel sort of like I''m kicking a puppy and/or being ungrateful if I ask him not to ''appreciate'' me when I''m doing stuff, but you know what? Boundaries are a good thing. My closest parallel?

(Yes, I know this makes me a bad person.)

I love to tickle my husband. I think it is HI-LARIOUS. He doesn''t really concur, but there''s not much he can do about it ... I''m not ticklish! But if he tells me it''s bugging him, I knock it off (reluctantly - after all, I''m just being playful!). When I pointed that parallel out to him, he got a little quiet, and started ''appreciating'' with his eyes and not his hands when I was in the middle of doing things ....
I agree completely and tell my husband this all the time: "I am not an object!" He was bad about this when we started going out, and still occassionally will touch me in a sexual way when we are in public
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I really hate it because it is demeaning, in my opinion, to have your butt grabbed when you are out and about. It signals to others that he "owns" me or that I am a sexual object for him. I tell him to stop acting like a gorilla. But really, we are just apes after all. But I still expect more from him. He is better about it now
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I tell him that my big diamond ring is enough signal to the world that I am "taken", he does not need to display his possession of me by stroking my body in public
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Callisto

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Date: 5/6/2010 4:26:37 PM
Author: Circe


I love to tickle my husband. I think it is HI-LARIOUS. He doesn''t really concur, but there''s not much he can do about it ... I''m not ticklish! But if he tells me it''s bugging him, I knock it off (reluctantly - after all, I''m just being playful!). When I pointed that parallel out to him, he got a little quiet, and started ''appreciating'' with his eyes and not his hands when I was in the middle of doing things ....


HAHA me too! I''m also not very ticklish and I just tickle SO every chance I get. Plus if he''s bugging me doing one thing or another I just tickle him. For example, he likes to pretend that he has fallen asleep or died right on top of me so I can''t move... and I just taunt "you know how I prove you aren''t dead/sleeping... are you sure you want to play this game"

Maybe the girls with over affectionate guys should try that, just start tickling them when they''re being too affectionate... perhaps they''ll snap out of it.
 

Octavia

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Date: 5/6/2010 8:08:47 PM
Author: dreamer_d
My husband is exactly like yours. He would prefer to be hugging me 24/7.


I call is ''schmuggling'' [sch-MUH-gl-ing] when he crosses my personal comfort zone for closeness. He attacks me all the time when I am working as well, in the kitchen, getting ready. I snap at him ''Don''t schmuggle me!'' He gets the point.


It was a big negotiation in our relationship. Early on we had a lot of conversations about it. I make an effort to snuggle him more and he has learned to just live with the fact that I will shake him off if I am busy.


I suspect with this type of man, if they get upset when we don''t like being schmuggled it is because they think it is a rejection of them. I have noticed my DH is more all over me when he is feeling insecure. Sometimes just going out of my way to tell him I love him will help him leave me alone
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Interesting...I notice that my DH gets more touchy-feely when we haven''t
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much for awhile and it''s usually a signal that he wants to move things in that direction. But it''s like seeing me doing work -- cooking, homework, whatever -- is a huge turn-on for him and he can''t keep his hands to himself, whereas I''m usually trying to get something done and can''t or don''t want to be interrupted. Doing schoolwork at home has been almost impossible for the past few months, he''s constantly coming up and draping himself over me, kissing me, and so on. We''ve talked about it and he''s gotten better, but there''s still lots of room for improvement...
 

Sha

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It''s interesting reading about all these super-affectionate spouses, since men are usually accused of being insensitive and unfeeling. Maybe we should be more thankful for them. I think I would prefer a super affectionate man over a ''cold'', unemotional one any day...thinking about it.
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laughwithme

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I agree completely and tell my husband this all the time: ''I am not an object!''

Yes yes YES! I say this too! Sometimes its like he thinks my ta-tas are HIS. Like they are on HIS chest. So he just grabs them, night or day, in the car or in an empty store aisle. I''m like, excuse me?! It also irks me because he often stretches my shirt or my bra. These bras aren''t cheap
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laughwithme

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Thanks for everyone''s thoughts - there''s been some really good input and I''m glad to know I''m not alone or a terrible fiance for feeling this way! I think I need to start tickling HIM more often - sounds like that works for some of you! I only lose my cool with him over this on rare occasion; more often, its something I just grit my teeth about it and move on with my morning because I don''t want to start a tiff.

Thanks again!
 

pinkstars

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My BF is like this! Especially when I''m cooking and just want to get things done. He LOVES to come home from biking 6+ miles and he''s dripping with sweat and snot coming out of his nose and he wants a kiss and hugs. I made a rule, that he has to wait 20 minutes before hugs and kisses(just because he''s sweaty.)

For me, it is nice that he wants to love up on me so much and I like that. Sometimes he just picks some very inopportune times.
I have to admit that sometimes when he''s doing things I come up from behind and hug him too!
 

elrohwen

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Date: 5/6/2010 9:41:14 PM
Author: Sha
It''s interesting reading about all these super-affectionate spouses, since men are usually accused of being insensitive and unfeeling. Maybe we should be more thankful for them. I think I would prefer a super affectionate man over a ''cold'', unemotional one any day...thinking about it.
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I totally agree. I might complain, or get ticked off once in a while, but every single day I am so grateful to have a husband who is so affectionate and loving
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