Was it worth it?

[FrekeChild]

Oy vey.

Everyone jump ship. DancingFire is here to exacerbate the already tenuous situation.

 

[emeraldlover1]

For what it is worth, I wrote this, this morning via blackberry and it wouldn''t post. I then emailed it to myself to remember to post later. These were my thoughts at 10am....

I believe Nakedfinger started this thread because she wanted responses from people that were in a similar situation to where she currently finds herself. I suspected she would still get responses and opinions that were all over the map because of the nature of the question. I''m lauging over here because it is sooo predictable what happened here.

For the record, we spent more than 50k of our hard earned money, still set priorites, and loved every minute of what we sill view as a very important day. All the while I don''t believe we lost sight of the big picture. Personally our ability to look at the details and the big picture is what made our planning process fun and quite frankly a breeze. That being said I''m pretty sure naked started this thread for opinions on whether or not each of us felt it was worth it now that we are married. Its pretty hard to answer a question about something you haven''t yet experienced and while the opinion is valid I''m not quite sure it serves any purpose other than to rile people up.

Way to go.

 

[loriken214]

DH''s parents paid for most of our wedding. It was my second wedding and DH''s first and that is why the inlaws were so involved. DH and I discussed eloping, my mom offered to give us money to do so, but DH wanted to have a "wedding for his parents."

If I had to do it over again, DH and I would have paid for our wedding ourselves and we would have eloped to a wonderful tropical DW. We both love the beach and it would have been amazing to have gone away together without all of the drama and stress that ended up being my wedding day. Our mothers did not get along and they "got into it" at the reception. There were several other situations where family members misbehaved and I was on edge the whole time.

No amount of money was worth the emotional stress DH and I went through during the planning and execution of the wedding.

Lori

 

[yssie]

Whoa - apparently I created quite the firestorm!


I wasn't actually trying to voice judgement on other people's lives, budgets, priorities, feelings... weddings are so personal, and a happy marriage is such a precious thing.. I'm so glad to hear it when people cherish theirs! I simply expressed my thoughts on the OPs post, and I'm happy some people saw the spirit in which I meant them

I do stand by my comment that the bridal industry has become something outrageous, and it's very easy to spend more than one (note: not "you") can responsibly afford, or feel inadequate unless doing so. I don't feel this way - De Beers got me first (with the wanting to spend more than I can responsibly afford, anyway!). I NEVER said or meant that a wedding is more or less special for a couple that chooses to spend 50, 500, 5k, 50k, 150k - I would never even think that, obviously it's special and meaningful or they wouldn't even spring for the license, no?


Yes, I should've said my/I'm instead of your/you're. I certainly can't speak for anyone else. I confess, I rather thought it obvious that I was voicing only my opinion regardless of pronoun

The bigger picture, for those who asked, is getting married - celebrating the union of two people, two cultures, two families... If you had the wedding of your dreams and now you're having the marriage of your dreams, I'm nothing but thrilled for you! It makes me so very sad when I hear about women who have post-wedding blues - how terrible, to get so caught up in the event itself that that wonderful result of being married pales in comparison.


So I will iterate: I, personally, would not be happy spending a large percentage of our income/savings on our wedding because I simply do not anticipate thinking of it as the most important day of my life. One of them, certainly, but not THE by any means. I do know people who have exactly the regrets NF speaks of, and I will do everything I can to avoid getting myself into that situation (ftr most of these women 'just got caught up in the moment', if you will - the one woman who had dreamt of and planned her wedding since childhood had a very, very lavish affair and didn't regret a thing. We have different priorities - and that's okay.). I am very much looking forward to being married, but I'm tired and stressed by planning this event. I admit, I just don't care whether the florist uses lilies, roses, daisies, or one of ten dozen species I've never heard of; I don't care whether the lining on the charger plates is gold or silver; I don't care if the stamps have flags, birds, bluebells, or dustbins on them. People do expect the bride to care (and many clearly do - there are threads upon threads on what I consider minutae on these very forums for a reason) and that's their privilege, but frankly I'm insulted by the constant insinuations that I ought to too, that I'm somehow deficient if I choose not to try to micromanage every last detail - really, people don't expect to discuss this stuff with FI!

Of course, we're making the conscious choice to have the wedding we're having, stresses and all - in large part for our families. The upside is that I, personally, know that I will have absolutely no issue with said post-wedding dumps - just happiness!!


Monarch - yes, I'm fishing on forums I clearly oughtn't!

 

[monarch64]

Yssie, I respect your opinion and I hope that your clarifying post is taken well by those who took offense to your original one.

Yes ma''am, treacherous waters here, my dear. Not being a newlywed myself, but having been married and planned/experienced the "big day," I rarely lurk here and until today, never post. That''s not to say that I feel unwelcome or as though there is some rule that I cannot post here, but out of common courtesy I refrain from putting forth my opinions as someone who is not a newlywed in this particular sub-forum. (Just me, not saying that I don''t think you should offer yours here, but I find it best for myself and my interactions/relationships with other members that I respect certain implied boundaries whether there are set-in-stone rules about these things or not. I guess I just prefer to follow forum etiquette and not rock the boat whenever possible.) If you want to post here and risk bringing the wrath of the super blissful newlyweds, feel free, but I do not envy you! LOL!

 

[yssie]

Ahh.. yes, I see your point. It was just something I felt strongly enough about to actually post the opinion.. didn't think about the intrusion. Oops.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/20/2010 4:30:24 AM
Author: yssie
Ahh.. yes, I see your point. It was just something I felt strongly enough about to actually post the opinion.. didn''t think about the intrusion. Oops.

I hope you don''t misunderstand my intent. I''m not telling you where you should or should not post your opinion at all. What I am saying is that your viewpoint may be more well-received someplace besides the newlywed sub-forum. I think this is a very interesting topic and I would offer my own response but since I''m no longer classified as a newlywed (and I''m actually a recent divorcee, to be honest), I don''t think even my general thoughts on the matter would be taken seriously. Perhaps a Hangout or Family thread asking a similar question in which anyone could answer would be a better place for people like you and me to voice their thoughts on the topic?

(Sorry for the thread-jack, Newlies.)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/20/2010 4:39:26 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 2/20/2010 4:30:24 AM
Author: yssie
Ahh.. yes, I see your point. It was just something I felt strongly enough about to actually post the opinion.. didn''t think about the intrusion. Oops.

I hope you don''t misunderstand my intent. I''m not telling you where you should or should not post your opinion at all. What I am saying is that your viewpoint may be more well-received someplace besides the newlywed sub-forum. I think this is a very interesting topic and I would offer my own response but since I''m no longer classified as a newlywed (and I''m actually a recent divorcee, to be honest), I don''t think even my general thoughts on the matter would be taken seriously. Perhaps a Hangout or Family thread asking a similar question in which anyone could answer would be a better place for people like you and me to voice their thoughts on the topic?

(Sorry for the thread-jack, Newlies.)

It''s pretty common for people to post everywhere. As you saw, DF was lurking in here, and he lurks in LIW as well, and posts occassionally. Lots of BWW post in LIW, and a nice cross-section of people post here as well. Ironically, this thread clearly was not even started by a newlywed

I certainly understand your self imposed boundaries, Monarch, but I don''t think Yssie should feel bad or unwelcome in any forum. As it were, I took her to be of like concern with the OP, so it''s seemed perfectly fitting to say, ''yes, I worry about this too, and I am trying not to get caught up in things that I don''t deem important so that I don''t regret it later.'' That might be a helpful perspective for the bride-to-be... that the size/cost matters less then prioritizing the things that matters most to you. I heard that echoed by others on the thread as well, just said differently.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/20/2010 11:57:18 AM
Author: trillionaire
It's pretty common for people to post everywhere. As you saw, DF was lurking in here, and he lurks in LIW as well, and posts occassionally. Lots of BWW post in LIW, and a nice cross-section of people post here as well. Ironically, this thread clearly was not even started by a newlywed

I certainly understand your self imposed boundaries, Monarch, but I don't think Yssie should feel bad or unwelcome in any forum. As it were, I took her to be of like concern with the OP, so it's seemed perfectly fitting to say, 'yes, I worry about this too, and I am trying not to get caught up in things that I don't deem important so that I don't regret it later.' That might be a helpful perspective for the bride-to-be... that the size/cost matters less then prioritizing the things that matters most to you. I heard that echoed by others on the thread as well, just said differently.

Yes, it is common for people to post everywhere. DF, in particular, likes to sniff out drama.

The post wasn't started by a newlywed, but she was asking a question that is best answered by newlyweds. Which makes the Newlywed forum the best place for her to pose the question. No problems from me in NakedFinger asking that question here.

And I do find it odd to comment on whether a wedding was worth it or not or whether you think a wedding is "just one day" if you haven't actually had your wedding yet.

As fiery said (above), this is an odd question for those who aren't married and who haven't gone through the wedding process and the wedding itself, to answer. Because you have all kinds of perceptions, but until you've done it, you really don't know. And that's coming from someone who hasn't done it.

It's an interesting conundrum. Different viewpoints make PS a great place to be, but at the same time it's a funky shade of gray. I just know that I've stepped on toes myself... It is what it is. :::shrugs:::

Yssie, your post was intended as I suspected.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/20/2010 11:57:18 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/20/2010 4:39:26 AM

Author: monarch64

Date: 2/20/2010 4:30:24 AM

Author: yssie

Ahh.. yes, I see your point. It was just something I felt strongly enough about to actually post the opinion.. didn''t think about the intrusion. Oops.

I hope you don''t misunderstand my intent. I''m not telling you where you should or should not post your opinion at all. What I am saying is that your viewpoint may be more well-received someplace besides the newlywed sub-forum. I think this is a very interesting topic and I would offer my own response but since I''m no longer classified as a newlywed (and I''m actually a recent divorcee, to be honest), I don''t think even my general thoughts on the matter would be taken seriously. Perhaps a Hangout or Family thread asking a similar question in which anyone could answer would be a better place for people like you and me to voice their thoughts on the topic?


(Sorry for the thread-jack, Newlies.)

It''s pretty common for people to post everywhere. As you saw, DF was lurking in here, and he lurks in LIW as well, and posts occassionally. Lots of BWW post in LIW, and a nice cross-section of people post here as well. Ironically, this thread clearly was not even started by a newlywed

I certainly understand your self imposed boundaries, Monarch, but I don''t think Yssie should feel bad or unwelcome in any forum. As it were, I took her to be of like concern with the OP, so it''s seemed perfectly fitting to say, ''yes, I worry about this too, and I am trying not to get caught up in things that I don''t deem important so that I don''t regret it later.'' That might be a helpful perspective for the bride-to-be... that the size/cost matters less then prioritizing the things that matters most to you. I heard that echoed by others on the thread as well, just said differently.

Ok, Trillionaire, you''re right. Even though I specifically noted that she shouldn''t feel bad or unwelcome, you comment in a way that implies that I did. I''m not disagreeing with her or anyone about the importance of a wedding day. Some posters in this thread were VERY upset by her comment, and i was simply (and really, tongue-in-cheek) stating that maybe she''s better off not posting in the newlywed threads. That is all.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/14/2010 9:48:17 AM
Author: NakedFinger

Date: 2/13/2010 12:27:18 PM

Author: ZoeBartlett

Honestly if we had paid for everything ourselves, we would have saved quite a bit of money and probably had a smaller wedding. I loved the location of our wedding, so I wouldn''t change that. My husband and I paid for quite a bit of our wedding but my parents paid the majority of the expenses. His parents chipped in some too. I can''t remember what the total cost was after everything was added up, but I do know that we saved where we could. I wouldn''t say that our wedding was ridiculously expensive, but it''s a lot to thrown down for one day. On the other hand, hopefully you only get married once, and you want it to be a special day.



I can say that I definitely wouldn''t spend anywhere close to $50k on a wedding, but I know in some parts of the country, that might be considered average. This is just my opinion, but I would rather spend, say, half that amount and use the rest for something else or put it in savings.

Yeah. Unfortunately, $50k is a modest amount in NJ/NYC. I dont know if realistically I could do it for less, which is why I am using that as my estimate. Doesn''t help that I am surrounded by 6-figure weddings so thats what I compare everything to. Booo

BTW Zoe you are hilarious. lol. You''re not rambling and make perfect sense. My FI is actually the same as you and your DH. He is very shy, and doesnt NOT like being the center of attention. I know he would rather it be low key for that reason.

Thanks NF! I just saw this and I got really behind in this thread. I figured $50k would be average in some areas, yours included.

Okay off to finish reading...

 

[icet]

HI NF, I haven''t been on for a long time and I didn''t read through most of this thread but hopefully this helps, since my sister and I just spoke about this a couple of days ago.

My parents paid for both my medical school and my sister''s law school tuition so the there was no way that either of us were going to even think about asking our parents for a dime to pay for a wedding so when I got married, I had a lavish wedding for 20 people in nyc while my sister had a lavish wedding in nyc for 200 people and we both paid for the weddings ourselves (with our spouses of course)

Me - was broke, just graduated from med school and DH - broke, just graduated MBA with lots of loans to pay back. His family expected my parents to pay for a wedding which I would not allow. We could have waited for a couple of years until we could have afforded a big wedding but to us the wedding was just to the start of something bigger and we wanted to start the next phase of life as a married couple so we opted for a fabulous wedding with 20 people at the right time for us. Yes, there are times when I look back and think about having a big wedding but most of the time I love the fact that we had an intimate "new york" wedding.

Sister - lucky to get a great paying job right after school and marrying a financially stable guy. She saw her wedding as the celebration of both families and the union of two people and really wanted to make sure her wedding went off with a bang. To her and her DH, it was important to have all their friends and family there to celebrate their day. Yes, there are times she says it she spent too much time and too much money on one day but I know most of the time she thinks it was worth it.

So I guess it really depends on how you see the wedding for you and your fiancee. I think you can throw a big wedding in nyc, would have to be creative and cut corners or wait and save up a liitle more or have a fab wedding for a small number of people if you don''t think that the above is worth it, it all depends on what works for you and your fiancee (congrats btw).

Hope this helps!

 

[JSM]

Interesting thread here.

I am a newlywed, and I eloped with my DH. But we also had an AHR, so I feel kind of qualified to answer.

One of the reasons we eloped was because of finances, but in the end we did so because we (more me, but DH agreed) did NOT want the big wedding. We had the day we wanted, and to be honest even if we did have tens of thousands to spend, I still would have chosen the day we did. Our attire, hotel, ceremony, photographer, baseball tickets, and food for the weekend wound up being less than 3k. And it was the BEST day of our lives thus far, and I wouldn''t have had it any other way (okay, maybe I would have gotten my dream dress, that''s my only ''regret''!).

My MIL was very disappointed that we chose this route, and I can''t blame her. She wanted us to have a reception, so she and her ex/my FIL decided to throw us one. We did not pay for this (my FIL did), or have any say in the planning (I rather felt like I already had my wedding day, and this day was for my MIL). It was a lovely time, we got to see his family, and even my parents flew out so they could attend, and we got to have the dances, cake, and other wedding elements. But I have to say that I''m so glad that I didn''t choose that route, it was not for me. I hated being the center of attention, I felt a lot of pressure introducing myself to people I did not know, and hardly got to spend any time with my husband (he was understandably busy talking to family and friends who he never gets to see). I would have regretted spending the money on a big wedding.

Short answer is: IMO, I think everyone should ask themselves what they would do if the budget were unlimited. Is it the big white wedding? Is it a quiet ceremony in the park? The destination wedding at the beach? A quickie ceremony then a week in a tropical paradise? The answer will differ for everyone. We are happy and satisfied because we chose what worked for us, and would have happily paid everything we had for that day.

 

[LilyKat]

I'm not a newlywed (I know, sorry!) - but here is my perspective:

We are having a 140-guest traditional wedding and reception. It's expensive, but I don't see the cost as being just for that one day. It's all the days I have had fun planning with my family and my fiance. It's how it's brought me closer to my parents and the memories I'll always have of choosing my dress with my mother, my cake with my sister and fiance, my venue with everyone... The excitement of discussing the pointless little details with my friends. The hours of enjoyment I've had looking up wedding-related things when I should really have been doing some work. And all the memories that will remain for the rest of my life afterwards. When you look at it that way, it works out as a pretty low cost per day.

But that's because I enjoy the planning process, so it's worth it TO ME. For someone who doesn't, it may well not be worth it. Think about what you yourself are like. Yes, you're a wedding planner professionally, but does the thought of putting together your own fill you with excitement and anticipation or gloomy dread? Neither viewpoint is less valid than the other - you just need to work out for yourself whether you fall at the Meresal or the Yssie end of the wedding enjoyment spectrum

Also, I firmly believe you can have a wedding (even one with lots of guests) at ANY budget. If a friend invited me to their wedding that was to be held in a park on folding chairs followed by a cake and punch reception, I would be DELIGHTED to attend and have a wonderful time. I wonder how much that would cost...? It doesn't have to be 50k or nothing - so be creative and keep your options open, and you might just find you can have what you want.

 

[elrohwen]

LilyKat, I hated wedding planning with a passion - but I thought my wedding was totally worth it. Haha. I wish I had an experience like yours!

 

[Laila619]

We had a very traditional church wedding/formal dinner reception for 135 people, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was sooo much fun, and I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life! We only paid for 25% of the wedding though. Parents paid for the rest.

 

[allycat0303]

We (and I mean my husband) paid for the wedding. We ended having 130-140 people...I don''t even remember the actual amount of guests. I think it was worth it, only in the sense that a) It was important for my parents that their daughter got married properly b) My husband had a great time. For me, it was +/-. The most emotional wonderful moments for me were the wedding ceremony. Everything else that night, greeting people, eating, speeches, that was stuff I could have done without. In all honesty, I don''t *regret* it, in the sense that I never look back on that day and say "what a waste of money", at the same time, I know that I could have personally *enjoyed myself more* for something that had cost maybe 10% of that price. But my husband looks back at that day as the most *amazing* day of his life, so I think that''s worth something!

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 2/22/2010 10:00:24 AM
Author: elrohwen
LilyKat, I hated wedding planning with a passion - but I thought my wedding was totally worth it. Haha. I wish I had an experience like yours!

Haha, good point. I suppose what I really meant was, people who enjoy and value weddings and the things associated with them (both before and after the day - the anticipation and the memories), rather than the "planning" per se.

 

[Laila619]

I should mention that I HATED the wedding planning part too, but the actual outcome was so worth it.

 

[bee*]

I think it''s definitely worth it. We had a wedding with 150 guests and it was the best day of my life so far. I adored having all of our family and friends together in one spot celebrating with us and I''d do it again if I had the chance. We were lucky in that we split the bill three ways, between D and I, my parents and his parents so we all paid equal amounts and got an equal share in the guest list.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/22/2010 12:29:39 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 2/22/2010 10:00:24 AM
Author: elrohwen
LilyKat, I hated wedding planning with a passion - but I thought my wedding was totally worth it. Haha. I wish I had an experience like yours!

Haha, good point. I suppose what I really meant was, people who enjoy and value weddings and the things associated with them (both before and after the day - the anticipation and the memories), rather than the ''planning'' per se.

I knew what you were getting at, I just wanted to throw out the other side

. It''s easy to think if someone doesn''t like planning that they may not think their wedding was worth it, but there are cases (like mine) where someone can drag their feet through the whole planning process and still have a fabulous time. Though I knew going into it that my wedding would be a blast - that was the only thing that kept me going when I wanted to elope.

You''re really lucky that you enjoy it. I really wanted to enjoy it, but I''m just not a wedding person. It didn''t help that my job was horrible and stressful, so the wedding planning turned into just one more thing I had to deal with.

 

[Gypsy]

Yes. Absolutely.

 

[kama_s]

Yes, absolutely no doubt in our minds. We still think back on the day very fondly, look at pictures and recall incidents from the day. The. Best. Day. Of. Our. Life.

Prior to the wedding I was concerned about the money we were spending on just one day. It''s hard to open your back account and find yourself down by 30K+ and not wonder if it''s worth it. But to be absolutely honest, there wasn''t an ounce of regret since the wedding.

And I think that''s where experience comes handy. It''s difficult to comment on this thread if you aren''t married yet - everyone goes through doubt before the wedding. But you can end up having a 180 degree change of heart once the big day has come and gone.

 

[NakedFinger]

Woaw. Wasnt the first line of my post "Ok so I dont want to start fights or a debate, just want honest opinions from women who have just gone through it....."?? lol

Admittedly I am a bad PS''er and haven''t been on in a LONG to catch up on my posts and reply to everyone. I guess that''s what happens when you try to plan your wedding in 5 months!

I am not here to "stir the pot" so to speak, but to address some points, say thanks for your input, and let you know what we decided to do.

1) Thank you all for your input (controversial, against the "norm" or otherwise), it is all appreciated. I posted for opinons, and wanted both sides. I should point out though, that I was specifically looking for women who had already had their wedding. Mainly because I feel (and maybe I am wrong) that one couldnt possibly comment on something "when all is said and done" unless everything actually has occurred already (which is why I didnt post this in BWW) Of course most brides think all is well during planning, its the comments you hear about after the wedding that posed the concern for me and hence prompted my question
2) Many of you addressed "worth it" being directly correlated to the money you had to spend and where else it could have gone if necessary. So I should point out that I own a home (on my second actually), so I dont have to worry about a down payment, I have no credit card debt, student loans are paid off, and I have a very well paying job. So that is why I even considered spending the money on the wedding, because I knew there was nothing else I "had" to spend it on
3)One thing that definitely stuck a cord with me was the implying that I am loosing sight of the "big picture" almost to imply that I want a "wedding" and not a marriage, and I am some "wedding crazy" bride. They are out there, I wont deny that, Ive met them, but please dont categorize my wanted a wedding, or more importantly a celebration, to mean that I am more excited about the event than the marriage. I love my FI with all my heart and soul, and would marry him at city hall with no one there in a brown paper bag if I had to. I want the wedding because I want to celebrate our union and our love with my friends and family. We''ve waited a long time for this, have been together for almost 10 years, and we feel it deserves a celebration. It wouldnt be the same with out our friends and family there to share it with us, and unfortunately having a DW would have prevented most from coming.
4) And finally, regarding the "one day". Yes technically, it is X amount of money for a few hours in a day. But the memories last a lifetime. My parents, who have been together 35 years, still talk about the way they felt on their wedding day, look at their pictures, and say it was the best night. So while I can definitely see why some people would be thrown off by spending that much money, when weighing my options, I didnt want to regret NOT having the event. And with so many things important to me like my family there, my dad walking me dad the aisle, my first dance with my husband and my first dance with my dad, and remembering the way I felt that night and the celebration as we vowed our un-dieing love and devotion to each other, thoughts of money just went out the window. It seems the general consensus on this thread was "worth it"

So yes, we did decide to go with a traditional wedding. I plan on trying not to go nuts overspending but having it be the spectacular, memorable evening of romance and fun that my FI and I want, with the focus being on our love and how excited all of our family and friends are that this is finally happening!

We decided the end of March that we were going to do the traditional wedding route, and set the date for 8/21/10. Hence why I have been so busy!

Thank you again for all of your help!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Personally, I had a 100 person wedding that was fairly chic and therefore expensive. I really enjoyed it, and it is what my husband wanted, but I can honestly say I would have been just as happy eloping. A destination wedding was out of the question because my MIL is very poor and agoraphobic among other things, but eloping would have been great. For the money and agravation of the planning, I would have been just as happy going to a judge and then taking the world''s greatest honeymoon/2 person ceremony.
A lot of people would feel like they missed something without a lot of family there and since you plan them, you may not find it as unpleasant as I did

 

[Clairitek]

NF- Congrats on setting a date! I look forward to seeing how your plans unfold.

 

[kama_s]

Congratulations on setting a date! Given the background you've shared, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you won't regret the money spent and will cherish the day for the rest of your life (which is exactly how it was for us). Great decision, one I completely concur with. Wishing you a beautiful and magical wedding day!

 

[NakedFinger]

Thank you for the well wishes ladies!

We are very excited, and our families are THRILLED that we decided to keep it local. I just wish we decided sooner, because now I have to plan it in 5 months!