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Bringing a confrontational guest?

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Nov2109

Shiny_Rock
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I have a question for you ladies.

Out of my 5 BMs only one is single. I told her if she wants to bring a date she can if she is seeing someone etc. She sent back her rsvp with a guest and had 2 meals checked off.

I called her to ask her who she was bringing and she said...(we''ll call him) Matt. I said oh where did you meet him? She said no Matt Smith. I was confused because he is engaged to an acquaintance of ours. She said well I dont want to go solo and hes one of my best friends...I''ve known him for years as well, but he is not one of my favorite people..but keep that to myself to not stir up trouble.

Now, I''m not sure if this comes across weird, my mother thinks its strange that she is bringing someone else''s fiance...regardless the *twist* is one of my very good friends who will be at the wedding, dated him for years. They do not get along whatsoever. She is engaged as well, so I dont think there are any hard feelings left, but I''m just worried this is going to make one of my guests feel uncomfortable because a BM doesn''t want to go solo. Not only that she has TONS of guy friends that she could have brought...mind you this is one of the BMs I''m having major problems with...in the back of my head im thinking she is doing this to make my life difficult.

If I had any idea she would be bringing him as her date I wouldn''t have extended her an invite with a guest, but because I did I dont feel it would be appropriate to tell her she cant bring him or who she can bring.

My question is do I:

A) tell my friend her ex is going and see if she is going to have a problem with it and if she does then say something
B) tell my BM i dont think her date choice is a good idea bc of potential drama
C) give my friend a heads up that he will be there so she''s not surprised
D) do nothing and sit them on opposite sides?
E) anything you suggest, im getting mixed responses from my mom and FSILs.

I personally wouldn''t ever respond +1 to a wedding unless I was traveling a far distance or wasn''t going to know a soul other than the bride and groom. I just wouldnt want someone to pay for a very expensive plate unless it was a real "date".
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
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C and D. Your friend is engaged to someone else, so she should not have any reason to care that her ex is going to be there. I agree that when you give a +1 you can''t dictate who that +1 is, so I think you should just leave it alone. Honestly, on your wedding day you''ll probably not even notice he''s there.
 

LilyKat

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 3/28/2010 9:46:36 AM
Author: NovemberBride
C and D. Your friend is engaged to someone else, so she should not have any reason to care that her ex is going to be there. I agree that when you give a +1 you can''t dictate who that +1 is, so I think you should just leave it alone. Honestly, on your wedding day you''ll probably not even notice he''s there.

Agreed. You''re right - once an invitation is extended, you can''t dictate who other people bring to your wedding. If it was someone totally inappropriate to you personally (eg an abusive ex of your own), then I would say you could step in and say no. Otherwise, it just comes across as micromanaging.

Give your friend a heads up, sit them separately and forget about it.

But for what it''s worth, I''m with you in that it''s very strange to bring someone else''s fiance to a wedding...
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/28/2010 10:10:09 AM
Author: LilyKat
Date: 3/28/2010 9:46:36 AM

Author: NovemberBride

C and D. Your friend is engaged to someone else, so she should not have any reason to care that her ex is going to be there. I agree that when you give a +1 you can''t dictate who that +1 is, so I think you should just leave it alone. Honestly, on your wedding day you''ll probably not even notice he''s there.


Agreed. You''re right - once an invitation is extended, you can''t dictate who other people bring to your wedding. If it was someone totally inappropriate to you personally (eg an abusive ex of your own), then I would say you could step in and say no. Otherwise, it just comes across as micromanaging.


Give your friend a heads up, sit them separately and forget about it.


But for what it''s worth, I''m with you in that it''s very strange to bring someone else''s fiance to a wedding...

+3

Since you said she could bring a guest I wouldn''t go back on the offer however it is very strange to bring someone else''s fiance to a wedding. How does his fiancee feel about this I wonder?
In any case I would give a heads up to the girl he used to date with whom he doesn''t get along with as well as let him know. Maybe he doesn''t want to go with this issue being what it is. I would also not seat them near each other.

Good luck and don''t worry. It will all work out just fine!
Best wishes on your upcoming marriage!!
36.gif
 

Haven

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Date: 3/28/2010 9:46:36 AM
Author: NovemberBride
C and D. Your friend is engaged to someone else, so she should not have any reason to care that her ex is going to be there. I agree that when you give a +1 you can''t dictate who that +1 is, so I think you should just leave it alone. Honestly, on your wedding day you''ll probably not even notice he''s there.
I agree with this.

I think this is a great example of why it''s not a good idea to do the "and guest" thing. However, I''m surprised that one of your bridesmaids is the one bringing a controversial guest, you''d think she would know better.
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
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C &D as well.
However i am wondering why the BM feels she *has* to bring someone. I went as a MOH w/o a date and was much happier that way.
 

Nov2109

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 13, 2008
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297
thanks everyone! It would be very rude at this point to tell her she can''t bring a guest, although I wish I could tell her to bring a different one...I''m going to call my good friend and let her know her ex will be there. If she gets upset etc about it then I will talk to the BM and say I dont want drama at my wedding and take it from there...I feel like I am back in highschool! Ridiculous!!

jcarly I have no idea why she feels she needs to bring a date. She also basically forced me to invite her parents, I was on the fence about it and was given a sob story about how hurt her parents will be if they arent invited. So i said whatever whats to two more people because I honestly just didnt want to deal with her anymore.

She is very selfish and self centered, this wedding has brought out the worst in her. She has gotten in a fight with every BM and me several times about not getting her way...she feels entitled to everything. I guess you could say I have a MAIDZILLA.

She also thinks he is coming to the rehearsal dinner with her and in the limo. I explained to her that he is not her date, boyfriend etc and only Bridal Party and significant others are invited to the rehearsal dinner and that the limo is bridal party only...she doesn''t get it. She makes me feel like she''s just here for the free food.

Its not about being the only single one, she is drop dead gorgeous and usually is a fun person, she doesnt want a boyfriend....so i dont know what her problem is.
 

PumpkinPie

Ideal_Rock
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I agree with everyone else- C and D and chalk this one up to the People Are Strange category :) it likely won`t be a big deal :)
 

havernell

Brilliant_Rock
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Nov 10, 2006
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571
How much do you want to bet that your BM hasn't even really asked "Matt Smith" to go with her to your wedding? Chances are, come the day of your wedding, she'll either have some other random "date" or she'll be there alone. The fact that she didn't write her guest's name on the RSVP card (and that you had to call her to figure out who it was) signals to me that her "guest" is not yet set in stone. If your BM has been as weird as you say she's been about your wedding, she may have just checked the "and guest" without even really having one lined up. When you called to ask her about her guest, Matt Smith may just have been the first name that popped into her head...

Bottom line- I wouldn't tell your BM she can't bring Matt Smith (even if your other friend does express concern that he'll be there) because chances are she won't be bringing him anyway (after all, I can't see his fiance being comfortable with him going with some other girl to a wedding). Don't make a big deal out of something that likely isn't really an issue at all since chances are slim she'll actually bring Matt.
 

Nov2109

Shiny_Rock
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Messages
297
Havernell...haha. I said the same thing to my mom today.

I am starting to hope she doesn''t even show up to the wedding...

Apparently there was a BM meeting today, not by my doing, one of the BMs called it to go over details and to help out FSIL with my shower.

She apparently was very argumentative with all of them, and one of my BMs called me and was acting strange a few hours ago, I said I heard about your little meeting what did she do to you? (they are no longer friends bc of this wedding) She very quietly said, "She''s just so mean". I didnt get into it with her, bc FSIL already called me and told me how she yelled at her about my bachlorette party that I just wanted to be a girls night out. She apparently doesnt want to contribute to that financially anymore either.

I''m at the point where I might just kick her out of the wedding and uninvite her and her parents, I''m not sure if I want to continue to have someone this destructive and selfish in my life anymore. I wont get into too much more of what happened at this meeting, but if I was there I would have thrown her out of my FSILs home to make a long story short.


I can''t believe this is happening to be honest...but at this point, nothing surprises me, especially with this one. I''m not sure how much longer I am going to let her do this to me and the people I care about. I''m just not sure what to do or how to handle it.

I never thought in a million years I would be one of those girls who complains about her BMs. I thought I had myself a really good group of girls. Luckily my FSILs are awesome and we have a great relationship and things with my MOH have improved 10-fold.
 

LilyKat

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 3/28/2010 5:09:22 PM
Author: Nov2109

I'm at the point where I might just kick her out of the wedding and uninvite her and her parents, I'm not sure if I want to continue to have someone this destructive and selfish in my life anymore.

Honestly, I probably would.

I'm not a fan of uninviting the bridal party in general. But if it's got to the stage where she is actually HURTING your true friends, and making what should be a happy and special time for them (as well as you) stressful - I'd be protective enough to step in and cut her and her drama out. (ETA: this is not based on who she's bringing - it's on the information in your last post).
 

Iowa Lizzy

Brilliant_Rock
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Jul 2, 2008
Messages
1,667
I have to agree when other posters have said that if you''re going to allow someone a "+ guest" option that you can''t really specify who they can and cannot bring. I''m sorry she''s being a crappy bridesmaid. Maybe it is best that you just ask her to back out now. If you truly think she isn''t interested in being a part of the bridal party, she''ll probably be relieved that you gave her an "out."

Sorry to get really off topic here, but I never understand why some people don''t like the idea of the "and guest" invitation. I hear a lot of people say unless a guest is married or engaged, they can''t bring a date. I can understand if it''s going to be a very small affair, but to me, I don''t understand how it''s good etiquette. In the "cash bar" threads, a lot of people say "having a cash bar is like throwing a cocktail party and asking people to pay for their drinks." Well, isn''t this the same thing as throwing a cocktail party but not allowing your friend to bring a date? I''m not trying to be argumentative, but it just seems a little hypocritical to me. *insert shrugging emotie here*
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
3,899
Date: 3/28/2010 5:27:03 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 3/28/2010 5:09:22 PM
Author: Nov2109

I''m at the point where I might just kick her out of the wedding and uninvite her and her parents, I''m not sure if I want to continue to have someone this destructive and selfish in my life anymore.

Honestly, I probably would.

I''m not a fan of uninviting the bridal party in general. But if it''s got to the stage where she is actually HURTING your true friends, and making what should be a happy and special time for them (as well as you) stressful - I''d be protective enough to step in and cut her and her drama out. (ETA: this is not based on who she''s bringing - it''s on the information in your last post).
How far away is the wedding?
 

Nov2109

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 13, 2008
Messages
297
The wedding is June 5, so just a little over 2 months away.

She called me last night saying how everyone ganged up on her and no one is listening...which is so out of character for the other 4 girls, its ridiculous.

Pretty much completely contradicting all of the other girls...who all had similar stories. Each was affected differently by her actions.

I''m starting to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with her. I''m just going to ignore her pleas for attention and hope for the best that she just shows up, doesnt cause any drama and then I can deal with the friendship ending aspects after the wedding. I really dont feel like dealing with that now. It will really kill the enjoyment of everything.
 

elrohwen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 20, 2008
Messages
5,542
C and D. I think your BM should be able to bring whoever she wants, and if he and his FI don''t have a problem with it than you shouldn''t either. I would warn his ex, but if you seat them far away from each other they should be able to deal with it like adults.

And once you''re at your wedding, I doubt you''ll notice anything amiss. Heck, people could''ve had a fist fight at ours and I don''t think I would''ve noticed I was having so much fun!
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/28/2010 8:56:42 PM
Author: Travel Goddess
I have to agree when other posters have said that if you''re going to allow someone a ''+ guest'' option that you can''t really specify who they can and cannot bring. I''m sorry she''s being a crappy bridesmaid. Maybe it is best that you just ask her to back out now. If you truly think she isn''t interested in being a part of the bridal party, she''ll probably be relieved that you gave her an ''out.''


Sorry to get really off topic here, but I never understand why some people don''t like the idea of the ''and guest'' invitation. I hear a lot of people say unless a guest is married or engaged, they can''t bring a date. I can understand if it''s going to be a very small affair, but to me, I don''t understand how it''s good etiquette. In the ''cash bar'' threads, a lot of people say ''having a cash bar is like throwing a cocktail party and asking people to pay for their drinks.'' Well, isn''t this the same thing as throwing a cocktail party but not allowing your friend to bring a date? I''m not trying to be argumentative, but it just seems a little hypocritical to me. *insert shrugging emotie here*


I totally agree with this Travel Goddess. Sorry to continue this off track but just for a moment. I don''t think it is very gracious to invite someone to celebrate your wedding and not allow them to bring a +1. I feel when you are hosting a party your goal is for everyone to have the best possible time they can (at least that''s my goal) within reason of course and just because someone isn''t in a serious relationship it''s not fair to assume they will be OK coming alone. Not everyone wants to go alone even if they are not married or dating someone seriously.

In any case, I really feel for you Nov2109!

She apparently was very argumentative with all of them, and one of my BMs called me and was acting strange a few hours ago, I said I heard about your little meeting what did she do to you? (they are no longer friends bc of this wedding) She very quietly said, "She''s just so mean". I didnt get into it with her, bc FSIL already called me and told me how she yelled at her about my bachlorette party that I just wanted to be a girls night out. She apparently doesnt want to contribute to that financially anymore either.

I''m at the point where I might just kick her out of the wedding and uninvite her and her parents, I''m not sure if I want to continue to have someone this destructive and selfish in my life anymore. I wont get into too much more of what happened at this meeting, but if I was there I would have thrown her out of my FSILs home to make a long story short.

I would seriously consider uninviting her and her parents. She is behaving in a very unsupportive, selfish and mean way and you don''t deserve this grief. This is your wedding and should be a happy and loving occasion. Your bridesmaid is behaving like a selfish child and you should not give her the power to spoil your wedding and the happiness leading up to it.
I am so sorry you are going through all this and hope you have some peace and happiness soon!
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/28/2010 9:46:36 AM
Author: NovemberBride
C and D. Your friend is engaged to someone else, so she should not have any reason to care that her ex is going to be there. I agree that when you give a +1 you can''t dictate who that +1 is, so I think you should just leave it alone. Honestly, on your wedding day you''ll probably not even notice he''s there.
Ditto!
 

sunnyd

Ideal_Rock
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Is it really so hard for two people who used to date and are now engaged to other people to ignore each other?! I mean really, would they cause a scene at someone else''s wedding?!
 
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