parent talk

[Fuzzdawg]

oh, so... hey. what''s up? my name''s adam, but everyone calls me fuzz. so, yeah, i wanna get married.

so i''m saving, and planning, and i have a stone (no ring yet), and would like to propose the week after Easter, because we have it off from school, and she wants to take me on a double-date to san francisco (angel island). (haha! sucker! let her do all the planning and i get to do the fun stuff)

well, i (being old-school) am going to talk to her parents first, and ask for their permission and blessing. now, as with most girls'' dad''s, her father can be pretty intimidating. he gets home form work pretty late every day, this leaves basically weekends. but desiree does nothing but homework on weekends, so it would be near impossible to plan something with them without her knowing.

here''s my delima: do i just ask my gf to join me, thus spoiling the suprise when i propose in a few weeks? or can someone (PLEASE!!!) sugest a way that i might be able to get her parents (or at least just her father) alone without her knowing...

 

[95chevy]

Ask her father if you can talk to him over a lunch or a break. Tell him of your intentions and ask for his blessings.Plan a dinner with her parents and you Fiance and during desert have the ring with you and propose. Over the years I have seen flying signs, marque signs and billboards of your intent, or a rose with the diamond around the stem, a dinner with the ring in an ice cube in her drink(Careful to let the ring get warm before putting on could fit and then be too tight)have the band announce via drum roll, formal on your knee and a special dance all to yourselves, possibilities endless to the imagination. Good luck

 

[Fuzzdawg]

i already know when and how i'm going to propose. the hard part is tryign to talk with her parents. i need advice on how to get her parents (or just her father) alone without her knowing...

 

[glitterata]

Do you know her father's phone number at work? Call him and tell him you have somehting important that you want to discuss with him in person, and set up a time and place to meet. Or could you just tell your girlfriend that you need her father's (or her mother's) advice about your car, or your finances, or what to give your own father for his birthday, or somehting like that?

 

[VAgal13]

Fuzz...definitely do not ask her Dad in front of her. Girls love surprises, so do try to keep it a secret.

I would call the house and talk to the Mom. Maybe you can ask her for the Dad's # at work. Or if you know the office/company he works for...just call their help desk and ask to be transfered to him. He would be impressed by your effort to contact him.

Good luck with all of this and Congrats on your future engagement. Do post the ring when its done. I would love to see it.

Cheers!
-Sarah

 

[Fuzzdawg]

no, i'm feelin ya. the problem is he works in the bay area, and i live in the valley (for you non-californians, that's anywhere from a 1-hour to a 4-hour commute depending on how bad traffic is), and doesn't get home from his commute until like 6, in which case desiree's, of course, already home and studying like a good girl.

i like glitterata's advice about the car. my truck's door handle is all jacked up, and him and i were gunna go to "pick-and-pull" a few months ago together (cause i know ziltch about cars) but it rained, so we didn't go. maybe i can request that we do that, then offer to pay for lunch afterwards and do a little talky-talky. delima: i couldn't ask him before hand, the whole time he'd be considering the request (not the kind for an immediate "yes"). but if i wait until afterwards we'll be dirty, and he might not want lunch. what if i ask for his help, and we go back to their place, and i have him help me fix it. then say something like "i sure am hungry! can i take you to get some taco truck?" or something like that? (taco truck. long story. for me and des it's not low-class, it's gourmet... not just cause we're in college either...)

 

[VAgal13]

I don't think it has to be at lunch...maybe you could talk to him while you guys are fixing your car. That way he will already be in a buddy-buddy mood with you.

 

[Fuzzdawg]

yeah, but i don't want to just mention it. i want to lay it all down for him. so he knows i'm for real.

 

[Fuzzdawg]

well? any more help? suggestions? anything?

 

[VAgal13]

Well, you now have me officially stumped too. I really want you to be able to keep it a surprise...is there anyway a friend of hers can take her out to eat or shopping or something and you can get over to her house to talk to her Dad? That may work.

 

[Fuzzdawg]

oooh... intriguing. kinda difficult though, because her best female friend just got married and is still on her honeymoon. she doesn't really have another friend that she would normally do that kind of thing with.

initially i was hoping that she would find some reason to visit her grandma in stockton, but the chances of that are very slim...

WAIT!!!! i just got an idea, right now sitting at the computer!!! i totally didn't realize that i was ignoring the most obvious answer!!!

she emailed me this week and told me that there was some lame piano rehearsal at school that she had to go to for some class. she told me, because her and i usually hang out on friday nights. but here's the deal: she said that i don't have to go if i don't want to, which i already told her i didn't. me, in my stupidness was hoping to plan a poker night with some friends instead... what a great excuse to talk to her parents!!! now i just need to find a way that i can inform them that i am coming without her knowing, and making sure that she goes, and knowing when she'll get back.

plus i can still go to pick-and-pull with her dad!!!

 

[Fuzzdawg]

i'm hoping to talk to her parents today! wish me luck!!!!

 

[VAgal13]

How did it go? The suspense is killing me!

 

[Fuzzdawg]

you'll never believe it! they said no!!! both parents were very adamant about her finishing school first, which means another YEAR!!! i'm gunna shoot myself...

 

[limey]

Did they consider that you might be engaged for a year, while she finishes school?

 

[Fuzzdawg]

ok, another update.

her parents spoke to me today and have given me blessing and permission to propose when i wanted. as to when they will approve of us getting married, that's a different story... we'll have to see about that.

 

[Nicrez]

I always suggest getting married AFTER graduating. That way you have a career going (both of you) and you guys can more aptly afford to get a place together, maybe buy a house, etc... Good luck, and don't rush into marraige!!! You grow up so quickly, that in five years you'll be looking around wondering where your youth went. Relax!! Enjoy!!!

I did that just yesterday...

 

[Fuzzdawg]

did what yesterday?

anyway, yeah, we're both 23 and we have though very hard about marriage. i don't think we are "rushing" into it...

i sent both her parents an email asking that if they wouldn't approve of a wedding this year (as i had hoped) if they would approve of one during the break between winter and spring term next year, because by then classes will be already paid for, and we are better motivated to finsh our education... i'll be don about a year after that...

 

[Nicrez]

Yesterday I was wondering where my youth went...

So what's the rush? Why not wait until you graduate? I have two friends in grad school, one is 26, and will get married when she's done and out at least a year. She's having almost a 2 yr engagement. Another friend is 26, and will finish in a year, then move in with her guy for at least 6 months before even getting engaged.

Again, why the rush? Her parents may have a valid reason for this, but in the end, it is the two of you who will be doing it.

I personally would rather have her family on board and happy with the decision, so compromise is key. Know that this is not the end of compromise with them, as in-laws. Marraige means the adding of one family inot another and I can't stress how important it is to start off on the right foot.

Look, speaking as someone who has heard the argument you're hearing, and someone who has incurred the wrath of my family, I just strongly suggest to have things be smoother and easier by pro-longing the negagement to satisfy them, as well as learn more about yourselves as you two grow up together. Time together does solidify that bond that is SO necessary to having a working marraige. Could you two be engagemed and live together for a while. Many don't suggest it, but I did it with my guy, and I AM SO GLAD we worked out our "issues" that way...

Really, patience and compromise. 23 is young, and you have so much time together! Talk it out with her parents, make them comfortable with your choice, but think about it for a while, and maybe the delay will be better for all involved...Better that than a quick divorce!

I had a friend who married at 23, and dated the guy for a year. They never lived together, and when they married at 23, they divorced at 24. Not what you may want, so take your time. It should be forever... Good luck!!!

 

[verticalhorizon]

I agree with Nicrez. The person I thought I was a 23 was quite different than the person I was at 26 which is even different still than the person I am now at 31.

I don't mean to pooh-pooh your plans, but 12 months means a lot more developmentally at earlier ages than they do at later ages. But then again, I know plenty of middle aged people who are still re-discovering themselves. We'll all change over time and we learn to expect and adjust, however, at earlier ages, we all believe we "know it all" and later in life we succumb to the fact that we're not always as bright as we think we are most of the time. (Or is that just me?)

Does that make sense? Anyway, my point is... some HS sweethearts stay married for 50 years, some wait until they're 50. What you have to ask yourself, in your heart-of-hearts, without ego and ignoring outside pressure, is if you truly know and are happy with yourself enough to live and be happy with someone else.

Sometimes I have second thoughts. But I believe I realize that marriage isn't going to be all flowers and sunshine. Some days, more often than not, it's going to be hard work just to talk to each other. Some days, you'll down right hate each other. But does that mean you don't love each other? Not if you're in the right marriage.

I read (or heard somewhere) that you shouldn't make your life out to be picture perfect. People take pictures of the good times. Life is the hard work that gets you from snapshot to the next snapshot.

Good luck.

 

[CaptAubrey]

well, there's always the ladder idea...

 

[Fuzzdawg]

nicrez,

living together is not an option. at all. especially since both, her family, her, and myself are all very old-fashioned. i believe in saving yourself for marriage, and have followed that principle.

i know, i'm hearing y'all. 23 is young. we have lots of time. i get it. but i don't like it. and it doesn't make me WANT to get married any later... anyway. thanks everybody.

ps: i talked with her brother today as well...

 

[Obsessed]

Fuzzdawg,

Congrats on your recent engagement, dude! I applaude you for your 'saving yourself' for marriage. As long as your girl has same or very similar value, I think 23 is not too young. In todays modern(euphemism for lose) society, many people think you should be older, more established, and more experienced in the ways of intimacy and compatibility! But there was purer times when chivarly, respect, and love was all that was necessary. If you're in the latter camp, very good for you. Its refreshing to see a virtuous youth. Again and no offense, I hope your girl has also upheld the same virtuous standard. thats kinda important.

 

[Fuzzdawg]

to me, it wouldn't matter if she had or not, however she did, and we have.

thank you.

and i'm not quite engaged yet. i'm planning on proposing next wednesday (the 14th)

 

[Nicrez]

FuzzDawg, I applaud you as well. Indeed it's noble and quite impressive to have a standard of conduct and to hold yourself to it, with so many differing opinions and ideas all around you. In today's society it is RARE!

However, living together is no different with two people who are virtuous. My two friends from college actually lived together for 2 years and they "saved themselves" for marraige at 25. I was shocked, but everyone knew that they would wait and they did. Good for them! It's not impossible to resist temptation when you already have for years and years. Always let the will be stronger than the temptation.

I never advise wedding before careers, even just financially, but if you two decide to go ahead, just make sure there is always good communication ahead of you and remember to grow together and NOT apart...Each new adventure and mishap should be SHARED and I know you two will work out well! Good luck and wishing you well on Wednesday!

 

[VAgal13]

Verticalhorizon...those were some of the best words I have heard in a long time....Thank you.

I agree with the finishing of school first, but hey, everyone is different. I commend you for having the guts to talk to her parents. And even more so for pursuing the issue after they said no. That shows you mean what you say and follow through.

I hope you get all in life that you want the most. Best wishes to you both!

Cheers!
-Sarah

 

[Fuzzdawg]

i also asked her brother yesterday.

and like i said, her parents are very old fashioned and even if we were to live together and still be able to maintain our abstinence, her parents would NEVER approve.


anyway, see my proposal thread to get the nitty gritty details...