shape
carat
color
clarity

Women have to wait, and it''s not fair (vent)

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
1,002
Our whole system is driving me crazy!

I don''t want to rush my current relationship. I really don''t. Furthermore, I have a promise ring from my darling BF, and we''ve had a couple pre-wedding planning conversations (where, flowers, etc, but certainly not when). We''re young, he''s in school, I''m going to grad school next year, and this should be a nice, comfortable pace, BUT I still get so damn anxious about him leaving me in the cold after years of dating.

I feel pressured to have this marriage thing locked down by now. Almost all my friends from high school are married or engaged, and several have started on families. I wish i could get reassurance from the BF every day that after all these hard times and school and everything that we''ll get married, but because it would be "pressuring" and "nagging" I avoid the subject almost always. I don''t feel like I can be 100% honest about how important marriage and engagement is to me. It''s even worse lately because it''s interview season for law students and pretty much this entire month I need to avoid stressing him out about anything.

I guess... I wish I didn''t need it so bad, that I could just be one of those relaxed, cool, urban girls who plan to get married in their mid-30s "at the earliest."
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
I don''t think there''s anything wrong with talking about your future. Not talking about your feelings and desires is a great way to get resentful and angry. I''d suggest a calm conversation about when he sees you two getting married. If you''ve discussed your wedding before and have a promise ring, I don''t see how having a serious conversation about your future is pressuring him.

I told my husband after about a year of dating that I knew we were going to get married. He wasn''t entirely convinced, but here we are, 6 years later, married!
3.gif
I don''t think keeping everything to yourself is really that healthy for you or the relationship! Share a little...a conversation here and there is not nagging!
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Aww suchende, I''m really sorry that you''re feeling so down right now. I''m afraid I don''t have much to offer but my empathy, but I did want to tell you, as a 2L also right in the thick of OCI, please don''t feel like you can''t say something about how you''re feeling just for fear of stressing your BF out. Stress is a part of life, and while yes this is a particularly stressful time for your BF, your wants, needs, and stresses are equally valid. I know that I would hate if I found out that my BF was suppressing very legitimate concerns of his just to avoid stressing me out - and he knows exactly how it feels because he went through it himself, but I still wouldn''t expect or want him to keep something that important inside. As partners, you''re in this together, and you will weather this, and many other, storms together. Believe me, I definitely feel your BF''s pain (as do law students everywhere), and sure, it is hard to take in all of my BF''s job stresses after a long day of running around, but it''s something I do joyously because that''s part of the commitment I am lucky to be a part of. Yanno?

I hope this doesn''t come across wrong, I just wanted to send you *hugs* and maybe de-bunk some of the OCI myth. Yes, it sucks. But life will never be perfectly stress-free, and it should be better because you''ve got your bud right next to you. So no walking on eggshells 24/7. K?
2.gif
1.gif
Good luck!
35.gif
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
women don''t have to wait, they can propose too.

women who don''t want to propose have to wait.
2.gif
 

LilyKat

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2009
Messages
835
Date: 9/17/2009 12:39:28 AM
Author: thing2of2
I don''t think there''s anything wrong with talking about your future. Not talking about your feelings and desires is a great way to get resentful and angry. I''d suggest a calm conversation about when he sees you two getting married. If you''ve discussed your wedding before and have a promise ring, I don''t see how having a serious conversation about your future is pressuring him.


I told my husband after about a year of dating that I knew we were going to get married. He wasn''t entirely convinced, but here we are, 6 years later, married!
3.gif
I don''t think keeping everything to yourself is really that healthy for you or the relationship! Share a little...a conversation here and there is not nagging!

Ditto. A man who wants to marry a woman (even someday in the future) won''t see a calm conversation and general discussions about the future as pressuring or nagging. It''s the way you bring it up that''s important - no confrontation or pestering, just sharing excitement and dreams about the future, and talking through how your plans line up together.

If you feel that you are both on the same page, and the timing just isn''t right, it''s time to start distracting yourself with other interests and activities. Seeing yourself as "waiting" is always frustrating - so, why not make the most of the time you have left as a single person? Make a list of all the things you want to do but haven''t got round to - hobbies, learning new things, seeing new places - and then do them!

And don''t compare yourself to others - it''s not who gets married first that''s important, it''s the marriage that lasts the longest and is the happiest that really counts...
 

Londongirl1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2009
Messages
695
Date: 9/17/2009 5:19:40 AM
Author: LilyKat

Ditto. A man who wants to marry a woman (even someday in the future) won''t see a calm conversation and general discussions about the future as pressuring or nagging. It''s the way you bring it up that''s important - no confrontation or pestering, just sharing excitement and dreams about the future, and talking through how your plans line up together.

If you feel that you are both on the same page, and the timing just isn''t right, it''s time to start distracting yourself with other interests and activities. Seeing yourself as ''waiting'' is always frustrating - so, why not make the most of the time you have left as a single person? Make a list of all the things you want to do but haven''t got round to - hobbies, learning new things, seeing new places - and then do them!

And don''t compare yourself to others - it''s not who gets married first that''s important, it''s the marriage that lasts the longest and is the happiest that really counts...
36.gif
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
Aww Sunchende, I''m sorry you''re feeling so down!

First off I want to send lots of ***DUST*** to your bf, FI just went through the whole interview thing as well and I know how anxious he was about everything. I hope he gets the offers he''s looking for.

Secondly talking about marriage shouldn''t stress your bf out. I defintely think he should be concentrating on nailing his interviews, but perhaps during dinner one night when he''s not focusing on school you could bring up a timeline talk. Ask him when he would like to get married, before law school, after law school? How long after school, etc. Point out the pros and cons of each (tell him an impending wedding is a great talking point with firms
2.gif
) You could also ask him if he''s afraid a wedding will be too much of a distraction while he''s in school, or starting out with a firm.

You should never worry about discussing marraige with your SO, if it''s something that you want you need to be honest about that so everything is on the table. He can than either decide to give you what you want or you can find someone who will. Now is a very important time in your SO''s life, so let him know how much you want to be a part of that permanently.
 

Liane

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
674
Date: 9/17/2009 5:18:57 AM
Author: trillionaire
women don''t have to wait, they can propose too.

women who don''t want to propose have to wait.
2.gif
Haha this is exactly what I came in here to post.
2.gif
 

TooPatient

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
10,295
Date: 9/17/2009 11:31:30 AM
Author: Liane

Date: 9/17/2009 5:18:57 AM
Author: trillionaire
women don''t have to wait, they can propose too.

women who don''t want to propose have to wait.
2.gif
Haha this is exactly what I came in here to post.
2.gif
How is it that women have come so far and are still so helpless in this area? We have careers and education & money. We''ve come so far and are seen as equals in life.
And still we wait.

Why?

What is it that makes us wait for men to get on with it already?
 

Liane

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
674
What makes us wait? Nothing, in my case. I did propose to him. It''s not just a hypothetical recommendation.
2.gif


I can understand why someone else might wait. It''s not unreasonable that a girl would expect her guy to want to keep her, and to make a significant demonstration of that desire for commitment by getting the engagement ring and making the proposal and going through the ceremony of marriage. It''s not unreasonable for a girl to think that if he doesn''t do those things, then maybe he''s not all that into her after all. I''m not saying that anything like that is going on here, just talking about the abstract.

But my view -- and I recognize this doesn''t work for everybody; I''m just offering up one data point -- is that if you (a general "you," not the OP in this thread) want something to happen, go ahead and make it. There''s nothing wrong with taking the initiative and being the one to get things moving, especially if the status quo isn''t making you happy.

And if it makes you even a little bit nervous that maybe he''ll say no, well, then maybe you know how guys feel always being expected to initiate everything.
2.gif
 

TooPatient

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
10,295
Date: 9/17/2009 12:23:40 PM
Author: Liane
What makes us wait? Nothing, in my case. I did propose to him. It''s not just a hypothetical recommendation.
2.gif


I can understand why someone else might wait. It''s not unreasonable that a girl would expect her guy to want to keep her, and to make a significant demonstration of that desire for commitment by getting the engagement ring and making the proposal and going through the ceremony of marriage. It''s not unreasonable for a girl to think that if he doesn''t do those things, then maybe he''s not all that into her after all. I''m not saying that anything like that is going on here, just talking about the abstract.

But my view -- and I recognize this doesn''t work for everybody; I''m just offering up one data point -- is that if you (a general ''you,'' not the OP in this thread) want something to happen, go ahead and make it. There''s nothing wrong with taking the initiative and being the one to get things moving, especially if the status quo isn''t making you happy.

And if it makes you even a little bit nervous that maybe he''ll say no, well, then maybe you know how guys feel always being expected to initiate everything.
2.gif
That is great. I thought about it but got myself all nervous and decided to wait for him.


How did you propose? Did you have a ring for him?
When did you get yours?
How did he react?
 

Liane

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
674
Oh, it''s the least romantic story ever. We were talking on instant messenger (see, I told you it was the least romantic story ever) and I said something to the effect of "dude let''s just get married" and he said "okay." Then I set a date. Bam, done.

I am all about efficiency, which is great for getting stuff done, not so great if you want flowers and champagne and a swelling orchestral score to accompany the moment. But hey, it works for me.
11.gif


Later he decided he wanted to buy a ring, which I had previously been adamantly against, but he really really wanted to do it so I found PS while doing research to make sure he didn''t waste his money on something subpar. And lo, so the story ends.
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 9/17/2009 12:23:40 PM
Author: Liane
What makes us wait? Nothing, in my case. I did propose to him. It''s not just a hypothetical recommendation.
2.gif


I can understand why someone else might wait. It''s not unreasonable that a girl would expect her guy to want to keep her, and to make a significant demonstration of that desire for commitment by getting the engagement ring and making the proposal and going through the ceremony of marriage. It''s not unreasonable for a girl to think that if he doesn''t do those things, then maybe he''s not all that into her after all. I''m not saying that anything like that is going on here, just talking about the abstract.

But my view -- and I recognize this doesn''t work for everybody; I''m just offering up one data point -- is that if you (a general ''you,'' not the OP in this thread) want something to happen, go ahead and make it. There''s nothing wrong with taking the initiative and being the one to get things moving, especially if the status quo isn''t making you happy.

And if it makes you even a little bit nervous that maybe he''ll say no, well, then maybe you know how guys feel always being expected to initiate everything.
2.gif
I am planning to do a reciprocal proposal for FI in a few weeks. I really loved the idea of proposing to him, but did not because I had a.) asked him out, twice b.) prompted him for our first kiss, c.) prompted him to say ''I love you'', as welll as a few other relationship milestones. I told him that I had done all that I could to advance our relationship, and essentially he needed to make the next move, or we''d eventually have to part ways. (keep in mind that we''ve been together since we were 20/21, and he had never dated anyone before
12.gif
We''re now 27)

So, I waited, because if he didn''t kno after all that time, I intended to find someone who did. Fortunately, it didn''t come to that
2.gif
 

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
1,002
thanks everyone, as usual! fly-out week is over and this weekend i''ll probably broach the subject of a rough timeline. i think, more than feeling overcooked, i just feel conflicted, between wanting to relax and enjoy here and now, and wanting to hit the fast-forward button.

as for girls who propose, i think that''s totally awesome, but my bf would NOT respond well to that! it''s a shame because i could think of so many sweet, fitting proposals. i think girls would be much better at it!
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
25,646
Date: 9/17/2009 12:14:40 PM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 9/17/2009 11:31:30 AM
Author: Liane


Date: 9/17/2009 5:18:57 AM
Author: trillionaire
women don''t have to wait, they can propose too.

women who don''t want to propose have to wait.
2.gif
Haha this is exactly what I came in here to post.
2.gif
How is it that women have come so far and are still so helpless in this area? We have careers and education & money. We''ve come so far and are seen as equals in life.
And still we wait.

Why?

What is it that makes us wait for men to get on with it already?
HI:

Men and women who are ready to commit, do. On what generalization is your observation, founded?

cheers--Sharon
 

princessplease

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,496
I ditto what a lot of people said, but definitely don''t compare yourself to your friends. It just causes tension and this feeling of "I should''ve been next" or "This should''ve been me". Things have to be done on you and SO''s timeline, and not the timelines of other people.

I had a friend who has been with her BF over 5 years. I was with mine for a year when we got engaged. I later come to find out she resented me and was angry at me because I got engaged before her. She believed it should''ve been her with the ring and the wedding plans, and not me. Needless to say, the friendship did not last.
 

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
1,002
Date: 9/18/2009 10:34:31 PM
Author: princessplease
I ditto what a lot of people said, but definitely don''t compare yourself to your friends. It just causes tension and this feeling of ''I should''ve been next'' or ''This should''ve been me''. Things have to be done on you and SO''s timeline, and not the timelines of other people.

I had a friend who has been with her BF over 5 years. I was with mine for a year when we got engaged. I later come to find out she resented me and was angry at me because I got engaged before her. She believed it should''ve been her with the ring and the wedding plans, and not me. Needless to say, the friendship did not last.
letting jealousy poison relationships is one thing, but i don''t know how anyone could not compare themselves to their peers, and i''m not sure i would even agree that it''s a bad thing. it''s a benchmark, i suppose.
 

iluvbooks

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 16, 2009
Messages
16
I agree! You cannot compare your relationship with others. Additionally, you do need to talk to your BF so things don''t build up. You do not want to just explode one day and freak your BF out.
32.gif


Around this time last year I was totally thinking and panicing about not being engaged
38.gif
. I realized that I was giving myself headaches!
40.gif
I had to change my thinking. There are so may women out there who do not have anyone. I had to focus on the fact that I was blessed to have someone in my life who wants to marry me. So I chilled out big time, dug deeply in my grad school work
34.gif
34.gif
34.gif
, and my hobbies. Now, I am not saying that I don''t ever feel like I am going to wait f-o-r-e-v-e-r. It''s hard my friend but we will all get each other through this!

Your time will come and it will be beautiful. That goes for all of us too.
36.gif
 

crossmyfingers

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2009
Messages
325
Hi Suchende. There''s been a lot of great advice in this thread so far, but I just wanted to add my two cents. I am the kind of girl who makes the first move if I want to. I asked him out, I kissed him first, several other things. But I feel your pain about having to wait for the proposal. I could (and would!) propose to my BF, but I know it would tremendously hurt his feelings, so I respect that. I know it won''t be that much longer, that I just need to remember to be patient and that he is not going anywhere. But, like you said, I wish I had everything under control about getting engaged/married. I don''t want to pressure him into it, but I wish he would go ahead and ask so I can quit wondering when it''s coming.

My closest female friends are all of the mindset of "why get married now, we are all so young, we''re only in our mid 20s, what''s the rush" but I feel like he and I both know we want to marry each other, and I would like to go ahead and do it.

I hope you can talk to him openly about your feelings though and explain to him that this is important to you. Don''t try to keep all that inside. You don''t have to tell him every little thing you are worried about if you don''t want to, but you should definitely explain the general idea of how you feel. I feel a ton better when my BF and I talk about engagement/marriage every now and then, so that we can get a better idea of what the other wants and when, etc.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community Get 3 HCA Results
Top