When to talk vs. when to keep quiet

[absolut_blonde]

In general, how do you approach discussing weddings, engagements and general LIW-ness with your SO? Do you bring it up frequently, infrequently or do you tend to avoid bringing it up altogether? Assuming he already knows how you feel, of course.

I ask because- as NewEnglandLady once so perfectly put it- I''m ''overcooked''. My 26th birthday is in December and yesterday I realized how quickly that is approaching. It''s not an age thing, but a combination of factors, and franky I can''t imagine staying with him past that with no ring. I''ll snap.

However, his best friend told me awhile ago that SO told him he was going to propose late summer/early fall. And like I''ve said before, he really wants the proposal itself to be a surprise (not that it really will be anyway, at this point--but I digress).

I don''t want to sit down and have a heavy discussion about where the hell things are going if he is in fact close to doing something. But at the same time, I''m just not happy anymore and it''s really taking a toll on me/us. I already have some serious concerns over whether I will be able to get past these feelings of resentment. Like, I feel as though I don''t even care about what he wants as far as an actual wedding goes because he made me wait so long (I know that isn''t a good way to see things).

 

[Allison D.]

AB, I think having a talk would be a good idea anyway.

To me, it sounds as though the resentment has already built to the point that even a fairly imminent proposal wouldn''t resolve your concerns. I know it''s hard to step outside of one''s self and look at things objectively. Right now, the way you see it is "he''s making me wait", and I''m sure that feels cruel and unfeeling. It''s hard not to perceive it personally.

It may be something else; it may be that *he* is trying to reach HIS feeling of being ready. It''s rare that both people become ready at the same time, particularly at your current age range.

Having a talk would help you know where he''s at and what his abstract time frame is and whether or not it''s going to gel with yours. It''s fair to say "I wanted to talk about this because I feel like I''ve been ready for a while, and I need to know if you''re on the same page. If you''re not, I need to hear that from you."

 

[janinegirly]

NE England lady''s got it right--she and I were LIW''s at the same time and both overcooked at the time!

(there was a great article on this which I believe is where we got the term from...you should read it, it''s very honest).

I''ve been where you are. The trick is the balance between being true to yourself (speaking up when it''s affecting you) and giving him the space to do it on his own free will without pressure (something apparently important to guys). If you can manage, try not to bring it up at all. If this is torture for you, then you''ll need to bring it up just to hear him say the same reassuring things. Hopefully he''ll understand rather get annoyed and push things back. It''s a tough balance.

Has he indicated to you the summer/fall timeline or was this just word of mouth? If this engagement is pending, the resentment will melt away. But if it''s dragged out over seasons (and not weeks/months) it may become an issue. I guess it comes down to what he has actually said up to this point and if he''s back tracked on what he''s committed to so far.

 

[ringless]

Honestly, I think it's about control {for me at least}. I hate not knowing when it's going to happen, even though he's told me many times a 'timeframe', bottom line is I dont have control of the situation. I have to constantly remind myself that it's happening soon and not to bother him with it too much. With guys, the pressure {at least for my bf} is constant... not just from me but from our friends, both families, etc. I have had many talks about the possibility of getting engaged and I finally feel at ease with things... I have let up on asking, pressuring, and bringing it up in conversation on a daily/weekly basis. I really only discuss it when he brings something up but then it stops at that. He knows how I feel, I know he feels and I know his timeline of when it will happen, and I'm fine with that. I am just being impatient, and I know how you feel. I wouldn't let yourself get all worked up until the point you resent him so much you no longer want to be together or something. If you have those thoughts I would immediately have a sit down conversation with him and just let him know your anxious and how you feel without the pressure if that's possible. The last thing you want is for him to propose on your terms and it not be a fun and exciting time for you both.

 

[LilyKat]

You are one half of the relationship. You have a right to know where it is going and in what timeframe, so you can plan your life and your future accordingly.

Yes, surprises are nice, but past a certain point withholding information from you stops being exciting and starts being downright frustrating. You feel powerless. And then the resentment starts.

I would talk to him and tell him exactly what you''ve told us. Your feelings are valid, and if he cares for you he will respect your (perfectly reasonable) need to know what your own future looks like.

 

[princesss]

I don''t think it''s unreasonable to calmly approach him and say, "I''m overcooked, I''m feeling stressed out and resentful, and I''m worried about what this is doing to me, and to us by extension. I know you want to surprise me, but at this point the surprise is coming at the cost of my mental health. I don''t know how much longer I can live with this constant stress and apprehension. I feel like I''m stagnant and somebody pressed the pause button on my life, and I''m ready to just get on with things for my own sanity."

Anyways, I don''t think doing that is unreasonable (sorry I apparently typed a novel, lol). I do think tears/too much emotion is going to feel like pressure and blackmail, though, so you''ve got to be careful.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Being overcooked sucks, huh?

Janinegirly and I were in the same boat a few years ago, as she mentioned, though I would argue she was the more rational one But now that we''ve been married for a couple of years, all of those overcooked memories feel like a lifetime ago...it''s hard to get perspective when you''re in the thicke of LIW frustration.

I agree with everybody here, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion about it, it doesn''t have to be heavy or confrontational in any way. I learned the hard way: I was so overcooked that I''d bring up getting engaged just for the sake of bringing it up...as though I had to keep it on his radar or something (like he''d forget that I wanted to get married?).

I was literally just talking with D about this last night--about that whole phase of our relationship before my internal deadline was up and he said the thing that bothered him more than anything is how I broached the subject. He never minded that I wanted to discuss it, it''s just that I often brought it up in a confrontational way. The more resentful and overcooked I felt, the harder it was for me to be upbeat about it. When I would focus on the positive, bring it up in a lighthearted way (and not constantly) and talk about how much I wanted to be his wife, I got a much different response. Looking back I realize how differently I could have handled the situation--not that it would have magically made him ready for marriage, but I could have been more mature.

Anyway, my point is that if he is ready for marriage and you bring it up in a positive way--mentioning how excited you are to be his wife, how much you love him, etc.--as opposed to some sort of confrontational "if you don''t propose, I''ll..." discussion, I really think he will respond positively and it will ease your mind!

 

[miss_flo]

I definitely harbored the same feelings of resentment that you have now, AB. I actually feared that when the proposal/wedding planning did come, I would still feel as "over it" as I did during the LIW period. I''m relieved to say that most if not all of those feelings have dissipated and are replaced with excitement. As long as your and your SO have a talk about your concerns and you feel comfortable with his answer, I think you''ll be fine and happy moving forward.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Rats. I wrote a response and it got eaten.

I''d have a talk with him. Just to get it out there. EVEN if you know what his response is going to be...it''s always best to just lay it all out there and then you can possibly feel better about it after. It''s never good to just let those thoughts fester up inside of you because then the resentment will only grow stronger.

As for me, I try my best to keep quiet as I know it drives him batty. But I usually just say what I''m feeling/thinking about the whole wedding topic anyway just to get it out. I usually tell him I don''t want to hear it either. But my mind has a mind of it''s own. So I may as well share what it''s telling me!

 

[lucyandroger]

I would talk to him. It doesn''t have to be a heavy discussion but you could say something like "I''ve been thinking a lot about us getting engaged and moving forward with our relationship lately. I''m ready to take that step and I hope you are soon too." This probably won''t get you the full answer you want but at least you''ll be able to get it off your chest a bit. I find that if I keep whatever it is I''m upset about in, I end up snapping and yelling at my SO about something completely different and incredibly insignificant.

 

[nkarma]

I will reiterate what everyone else has said which is to talk to him. I agree that the suprise is nice, but let's face it, it isn't a suprise if you are this worried about it. He doesn't have to tell you the exact day or what plans he has made, just that he is ready and planning it soon. Be ready to face the reality that he is not ready nor planning it soon, and do with that information as you like. At this point, you definitely sound like you need a discussion about this though.

I found this forum after I had already been stressed out for a while for an engagement. I too started to feel it right when I turned 26 and had a timeline in my head. As that timeline got closer, our relationship and my stress level got worse. I was so worried I would have to break up with him and I didn't feel like doing nice things for him anymore, because what was the point if we weren't going to be together forever. I had the talk and I can tell you life is MUCH better. He was very understanding and told me he was planning it by the end of the year. Since then our relationship has been mostly stress free and definitely better/happier.

Just talk to him in non-specific terms if he has decided he is ready. I know you don't want to bring it up because you want him to decide on his own, but you will get from the talk whether or not he is ready for himself or because of outside pressure. Good luck to you!!! I can not emphasize how important that talk was to my sanity. After all, he is your best friend right? And you should be able to say anything to him.

 

[OOHHSparkly]

So I just stumbled on this thread and I cant believe that there are OTHER people besides me that actually felt this way! Glad to know I''m not crazy! haha

Im DEF overcooked!

 

[trillionaire]

I know that at the end of my LIW period, I could be quite moody and passive aggressive due to feeling ''overcooked''. I was dealing well for a long time, but after I knew he had the ring and time slowly trickled by, I became resentful and VERY irrational about the whole process. He had the ring for a FULL YEAR before he proposed, and it nearly ate me alive! (he doesn''t know that I knew he had it) You should definitely talk to him, because it is very difficult to gain perspective while you are still a LIW. Trust me, and I felt more than a bit foolish when we were newly engaged and FI said, ''wow, you are being so NICE now...''

I was pretty crappy and unpleasant some times... but, I love feeling that weight lifted now that we are engaged, and you will too. You just have a little longer to wait... it will be worth it!

 

[MermaidKelly]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:03:21 AM
Author:absolut_blonde
In general, how do you approach discussing weddings, engagements and general LIW-ness with your SO? Do you bring it up frequently, infrequently or do you tend to avoid bringing it up altogether? Assuming he already knows how you feel, of course.

We talk about it quite a lot actually (maybe too much!)

I bring it up about 60% of the time, but he is always willing to talk, even if he can''t always understand or relate!

He teases me a lot.