Helping him pay for the ring?

[crossmyfingers]

So I''ve read on here and other places that some couples split the cost of the engagement ring in some way. I think that''s really reasonable, personally. I would love if BF buys the entire thing himself, and I figure he will, but I think the idea of splitting the total cost in half (or BF buying the stone and then me dealing with the setting) is fine.

I mentioned the idea of me paying half the cost a few days ago to a close friend, and she acted like it was the strangest thing she had ever heard. She''s really not materialistic, and she''s not all that traditional, so her reaction really rubbed me the wrong way. She almost acted offended at the idea. I think she said something along the lines of, "No way, why would you pay?! Let him!"

Honestly, I think BF would be upset if I offered to split the cost. But we have basically the same income, and he has some student loans, while I don''t have any. And the way I see it, our finances are going to be combined shortly after a ring is purchased, so it makes sense to me. I probably won''t offer to, because I don''t want him to think I''m saying he can''t pay for a great ring himself, but I would love to know how any of you ever approached the idea to your BFs and what the outcome was. Or just what your thoughts are on the whole concept.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Jessie702]

Personally, i like the thought of him paying for it all, just lik,e i plan to buy him a very nice and expensive ring. Probably custom made because he likes unique things. So i would want him to do the same thing. Espically since an engagement ring is a gift.....and a wedding ring is a gift, and signifies your love and commitement to the person who gave it to you. So for me, its a no

 

[Indylady]

I don''t think its weird at all.

A ring is a thing. Yes, I post on a jewelery forum. Yes, I love jewelery, and yes I have pieces that I''m sentimental about, but I still think its a thing.

In a loose sense, its a symbol, but really I don''t think its that much of a symbol at all. If you lose your ring, your marriage isn''t over; a bigger one doesn''t win you a better marriage; how much someone pays for one isn''t a measure of how much they love you. Chipping in towards an engagement ring just isn''t weird to me. I''m sure a lot of others might think its plenty weird though, to each his own.

After all, are the funds for ''upgrades'' coming from only ''his'' paycheck? Future anniversary presents as well?

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/18/2009 11:57:56 PM
Author: szh07
I don't think its weird at all.

A ring is a thing. Yes, I post on a jewelery forum. Yes, I love jewelery, and yes I have pieces that I'm sentimental about, but I still think its a thing.

In a loose sense, its a symbol, but really I don't think its that much of a symbol at all. If you lose your ring, your marriage isn't over; a bigger one doesn't win you a better marriage; how much someone pays for one isn't a measure of how much they love you. Chipping in towards an engagement ring just isn't weird to me. I'm sure a lot of others might think its plenty weird though, to each his own.

After all, are the funds for 'upgrades' coming from only 'his' paycheck? Future anniversary presents as well?

For some people (including myself), the e-ring is much more than a symbol. It's true that a marriage doesn't rise and fall with the ring, but it can have A LOT of meaning and significance. I would never upgrade it.

Btw, I helped pay for my ring just like my hubby helped pay for the wedding. I can see if you wanted to be strictly traditional, how this might not be ok.

 

[chiquitapet]

I don't think it`s weird at all to split the cost. DH and I had joint accounts for a year before we got married. When he bought me an e-ring and other jewellery over the years, I always felt these were presents from him eventhough part of the money in the joint account is 'mine'.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I don''t think it''s strange at all. Actually, my bf has the same approach - it''s going to be OUR money after getting married, right? Though he doesn''t want me to directly help pay for the ring...instead, while he''s saving up for the ring, I''ll be contributing money to our wedding fund...and after engagement, we''ll both be contributing to the wedding fund, so it evens out.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Let him pay for most of it, but I think we should be able to contribute. After all, it''s an expression of commitment between two parties, not just one.

 

[atroop711]

if you want to help pay but won''t offer (because you know he won''t accept) then you can help with the financial burden in another way. Maybe take the money that you would put toward the ring and pay for some things (like photog or flowers for the wedding. You can start a home buying savings acct (if you don''t have one) and put the money in there to soften the down payment blow) or how about getting him an engagement gift? (I got my husband the watch he was drooling over) as his engagement gift.)

 

[bobbin]

Seeing as we own a house together, and all of our money goes straight into the home loan to reduce interest, I am helping him pay for the ring. In fact, I was there when he purchased it because I knew we would need to haggle a bit with the salesperson and I was the best person to do that.

However, at the moment I am not working so the vast majority of the money in our account comes from his income. We are paying the ring off through an interest free payment arrangement, so when I get a job (I have an interview tomorrow) I will be contributing to my ring. He will also be getting an engagement present of his choice from our joint funds.

I think the traditional symbol of the man paying for an engagement ring was to show that he could provide for his wife, or to buy his wife, whichever way you want to look at it. I don''t think that applies anymore (of course not), so I don''t think it matters who pays for it. Personally, we are making the choice to get married together so it is still symbolic - the symbol for entering into this new relationship is paid for by both of us.

 

[ckrickett]

I actually WANT to help pay. but he isn''t having any of that.

 

[tyty333]

I see no problem with helping. To me, by the time you get to the engagement phase the money is pretty
much "ours".

 

[lilyfoot]

I personally see no problem for a couple to split the costs, whether it''s 50/50, 25/75, whatever. However, I''m also the ultimate romantic, and I do think (for me) there''s something special about the guy secretly saving up and surprising his girlfriend with the ring. I''m one that would not like to know when a ring has been purchased, or when a proposal is coming, I want a surprise (it''s not easy to surprise me). However, me and the boy do live together, and do share the bills as well, and the engagement ring I want is extremely reasonable (1-2k), and I know my bf can save up for this without putting any strain on the rest of his/our expenses.

I don''t think I would personally pitch in for my own ring, but don''t look down on others who choose to do so. Oh, and I know 100% if I brought this topic up, my boyfriend would think it was ludicrous for me to pitch in anyway

 

[Snicklefritz]

I''m all on board with it and actually did it. As others have mentioned, we see it as OUR money but we don''t have a joint account yet. Additionally, I have particular tastes and he wanted me to have THE ring I wanted since I will be wearing it forever. He was not disturbed in the least by me offering to pay some of the costs. He paid about 2/3 of the total costs and I filled in the rest. It''s worked amazingly well for us and I wouldn''t change a thing! Me paying for part of it didn''t take away any of the romance for me. I see it as both a gift from him and symbol of our committment to each other. Can''t wait to get the ring! Keeping my fingers crossed for the next 2 weeks!

 

[sunnyd]

I think I actually paid for more than half because I was the breadwinner at that point and had more disposable income. I think initially it hurt his pride a bit, but it''s a joint decision to get engaged, why shouldn''t it be a joint purchase? Rather than waiting for him to save up the cash, we decided we''d rather be engaged now. So I kicked in. No biggie, only we (and PS) know that.

 

[LilyKat]

I don't think it's a problem AT ALL. Your money is going to be one and the same after the wedding. So really, EVERYONE ends up paying for half their engagement ring in the end - the only difference is whether you do it before or after the wedding!

But if he has some psychological issue with it, one way to get around it is to pay for something else for your boyfriend (like part of his student loan, or towards a car or computer, anything not particularly emotive), thereby freeing up the money he would have spent on it to spend on your ring. Slightly illogical, but so is male pride

 

[Haven]

You have to do what works for you. As long as you aren''t going into any sort of credit card debt to purchase the ring, I don''t think it matters where the money comes from. Once you''re married it''s all community property, anyway, in my opinion.

 

[nkarma]

I am actually just like your friend. Not materialistic nor traditonal at all! I had never heard of paying for the ring together until this website and when I first heard it, I was horrified. I don''t know why this is even, but it really turns me off. We split literally everything else, but for some reason I have always considered it his responsibility. I have helped his responsibility by being much less demanding as far as size and cost than most of my other friends, but that is the best I can do. Maybe it something about him proving he can support us if need be. I do want to stay at home with our kids once we have them, maybe this is the first step in proving we can do things off of his income.

These are just my opinions and no judgement to others.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/19/2009 1:08:25 PM
Author: Haven
You have to do what works for you. As long as you aren''t going into any sort of credit card debt to purchase the ring, I don''t think it matters where the money comes from. Once you''re married it''s all community property, anyway, in my opinion.

Exactly.

I wanted to pay for my ring, I don''t think it''s fair for the burden to fall on the man. If a ring truly is symbolic of a relationship, then a woman should contribute to it. DH wanted to pay for all of my ring, which I respected (and I consider it a gift as opposed to a true symbol), but I did get him an engagement gift as well. That was our compromise...well, one of them.

 

[radiantquest]

We did it all kind of backwards. Originally he was going to pay for the engagment ring and I was going to pay for the wedding bands. I chose a ring and we put it on a payment plan. (he didn''t want debt for a ring, which I understand. I just had to wait for it). We decided to get married kind of spur of the moment and I told him that I would pay half of whatever we still owed on the ring so that I could have it now that I was married. That''s what we did. He swears that I will throw it in his face one day, but I know that I will not. Through the years we have been together he has done so much financially for me that I feel good about taking a little of the weight off of for something that strictly mine anyway.

 

[katomm]

To me it''s not weird at all and makes sense. He''s paying for my e-ring setting (the diamond is a family heirloom). We''re buying our own wedding bands since mine is custom and online, his is by a local jeweler. It will just be easier if we pick the ones we each want to wear and take care of it ourselves than the back and forth of it all.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/19/2009 11:46:50 AM
Author: sunnyd

It''s a joint decision to get engaged, why shouldn''t it be a joint purchase?

This.

I didn''t pay help pay for my ring (because DH makes significantly more than me) but I don''t see anything wrong with it. I intend to upgrade and we pool our funds so it will be paid for by both of us.

 

[mariewest]

I have brought this up to my SO. He shot it down right away. Marriage is a shared relationship where both people are expected to contribute, so I don''t see the problem with helping to pay for a ring. Of course it is more traditional (and preferred, even for me) for the man to pay for the ring entirely by himself. But if he cannot afford it, then I think it''s reasonable to ofter to pay for half.

 

[AustenNut]

I''m one of those who is more traditional. Though I''ve paid my fair share (and sometimes more) for other expenses we''ve incurred together, I''d prefer for the ring to be paid entirely by FF. That said, I''m willing to get a $15 placeholder and keep that for as long as need be. And my favorite rings would be $2k or less, so I''m not asking for an extremely expensive ring that would be difficult for him to afford. I just really like the idea of him spending his time and effort to get a gift that was only ever intended for me.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Wow, thanks for so many replies you guys!

I''m glad to see I''m not just crazy thinking that it makes sense. I can also understand wanting him to buy it, as a gift and to show that he wants to put effort into saving for it and all. Not sure if I made that clear in my first post.

I think I might talk to BF once he either proposes or tells me he is buying the ring (if he does) and let him know we could go ahead and start a joint account that I could contribute to. Or maybe I could buy both our bands and he could buy the e-ring. I''ll just try to be gentle about it when I bring it up. He can handle it.

 

[boobookitty]

i don''t see this as being strange. as of right now, money isn''t exactly easy for both of us, but i know and he knows that my ring is gonna cost a big chunk. i told him in the beginning that i WANT to help. i don''t think it''s fair to throw all that on him. when i was growing up, my parents were very generous to me, but if i wanted something that was very expensive, they would always tell me how much they would pay and then if i really wanted it i could pay for the rest. so it''s like second nature to me to help pay for the things that i would like to have, whether it''s a gift or whatever. so when it comes to the ring, i expect myself to help pay for it. my parents see nothing wrong with this because my mom actually bought her own diamond when she and my dad got engaged. plus i''m going to be extremely involved with picking it out so why not help with the cost? bf is the one who is going to be the one to surprise me though. i will know we have the diamond and the setting made but i will have NO idea when it is coming or when it will end up on my finger

 

[Pushin40]

It''s totally fine - whatever you guys BOTH agree to,

I would help but I doubt SO would want me to, or let me....

 

[Lozza]

I really wanted to contribute, as I''m sick of waiting for him to save up the money! He shot me down as soon as I suggested it. I earn more than him, which bothers him, so I think it''s really important to him to do this himself.