Future SIL problem

[cindygenit]

Dear PS lovely ladies...

Last weekend, FI and I went over to dinner at his parents'' house. His sister, J, was there too.

When J found out that FI and I were engaged, she volunteered herself as best man. I thought... Fine, whatever.

Anyway, during dinner, FI''s dad made a comment about how a best man is supposed to be a MAN, and that FI should ask his brother R to be best man instead. FYI, My FI would have never asked his sister to be best man. In fact, he was thinking about asking his brother. Not because FI and sister is not BFF, but she''s a woman and my FI want to do it the traditional way.

J was obviously upset at this point and she quipped "Well, I''m not going to wear a dress and be bridesmaid!!". There i was, thinking, ummmm I would have never asked her to be bridesmaid because eventhough she''s almost family, she''s not close to me like my two best friends are!

So, do you think I''m being mean by not wanting her as my BM? If my FI decides to ask R to be best man, J would obviously want to be BM!! What do i do? What do I say? I''ve already decided on my bridal party and I don''t want to have any more!

I feel just awful right now. This has been bugging me since Saturday when all this happened.

Help! And TIA!

 

[ckrickett]

I think you should have whoever you want in your bridal party but since this is (almost) family you might have to be more tactful. Talk to your FI about it and see the best way to approach it.

 

[Winslet]

That was pretty nervy of FSIL, imho. You could potentially be in for months of headache if you ask ANYONE that you don't really want in your bridal party, regardless of their relationship to your FI.

ETA: Definitely don't because she already said she doesn't want to be a BM

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:03:01 PM
Author: ckrickett
I think you should have whoever you want in your bridal party but since this is (almost) family you might have to be more tactful. Talk to your FI about it and see the best way to approach it.

Ditto. Your bridal party should be who you want, but you might have to make an exception for FI''s sister. You''re going to have to live with her for the rest of your life, like it or not. This wedding is not only important to you, but also important to FI''s entirely family, including FSIL, and I think it would show what a gracious bride and FSIL that you are by extending her a position as a bridesmaid. Sure, its annoying. But it would be just as annoying if she kept reminding you how she didn''t have a place of honor at your wedding for the next 20 years.

I have uncles that have gotten upset over table assignments, so upset that they remember it for YEARS afterwards...

 

[D&T]

Date: 8/11/2009 10:58:28 PM
Author:cindygenit
Dear PS lovely ladies...

Last weekend, FI and I went over to dinner at his parents'' house. His sister, J, was there too.

When J found out that FI and I were engaged, she volunteered herself as best man. I thought... Fine, whatever.

Anyway, during dinner, FI''s dad made a comment about how a best man is supposed to be a MAN, and that FI should ask his brother R to be best man instead. FYI, My FI would have never asked his sister to be best man. In fact, he was thinking about asking his brother. Not because FI and sister is not BFF, but she''s a woman and my FI want to do it the traditional way.

J was obviously upset at this point and she quipped ''Well, I''m not going to wear a dress and be bridesmaid!!''. There i was, thinking, ummmm I would have never asked her to be bridesmaid because eventhough she''s almost family, she''s not close to me like my two best friends are!

So, do you think I''m being mean by not wanting her as my BM? If my FI decides to ask R to be best man, J would obviously want to be BM!! What do i do? What do I say? I''ve already decided on my bridal party and I don''t want to have any more!

I feel just awful right now. This has been bugging me since Saturday when all this happened.

Help! And TIA!

I had the similar issues, I already had my three BM in my mind, but DH''s sister (his youngest at the time I think 16... was so excited that we were getting married and just jumped into a conversation when I was with the family saying how excited that she was going to be a bridesmaid

I never asked her to be one, and had a long conversation about it with DH at the time. Well difference in my situation is that I actually liked her for little amount of time I spent with her. I had such long aganizing nights of whether I should say "no, I''m sorry I already have my bridal party already lined up" or just suck it up and just have her be apart of it. I actually just let her be a part of my BMs and it was fine. just one day that she could be a part of the "action" so to speak and she was family. It made her day actually.

So if it bothers you, then maybe have your FI talk with her, since he seems to be close to her. I would rather have the actual family member speak to someone like that than you so she doesn''t have another thing to gripe about. If I would have NOT wanted DH''s little sister to be a part, I would have him, just because its His family. even though you''ll soon be apart of it, not sure if that makes sense or not

 

[Kaleigh]

Hmmm, my first thought is you could include her in some other way? Like can she do a reading for you? Or something along those lines?? Would that work?

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:36:58 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Hmmm, my first thought is you could include her in some other way? Like can she do a reading for you? Or something along those lines?? Would that work?

We has the same problem with FI''s brother and his GF.

We are going to ask them to do a reading- that way they are still included but don''t have such a big role in the wedding

 

[cindygenit]

Thanks for the responses so far ladies

It has certainly brightened up my day that there is a solution after all...

I find it very hard to say no to close friends and (almost) family. I like your idea Kaleigh!!! I think a reading is right up her alley, she is obsessed with books and literature and reads every night. I think she will be delighted to be given the task of finding a suitable reading for FI and I.

I still don''t know what FI is going to do about this situation. He''s extremely soft when it comes to family issues and always gives in. For all I know, I might have been worrying for nothing, and she will become his best man anyway

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

To me, since she has already said that she doesn''t want to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, don''t ask her, and if it was to ever come up you could say... ''Oh but i thought you said you didn''t want to be a bridesmaid.. would you like to do a reading instead?"

I''m am not into that many ''traditional'' things about weddings, but having bridesmen and groomsladies bothers me a bit, i''m not too sure why, but i think if there is a perfectly good male in the family to fill the roll than he should be the one to do it.

 

[Diva0413]

I think having her do a reading is an excellent idea. That''s what I''m having my FSIL do during our ceremony.

 

[mrscushion]

Ditto Kaleigh. I would include her because she is your FI''s sister, but given she said at the table that she didn''t want to be bridesmaids, well, find her some other role and everyone should be satisfied.

 

[princessplease]

I''m with Kaleigh on this one. You shouldn''t have to have her as a BM if you don''t want her in your wedding party. A reading is a good way to have her involved.

 

[allycat0303]

I don''t think you really have a problem. J qoute "I''m not going to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid". You would be respecting her wishes by not asking her. That''s how I see it. If anyone tries to corner you, that''s your story, and stick to it. Take her statement for face value.

 

[monarch64]

First off, I can''t believe anyone would volunteer themselves to be in the wedding party. That''s as bad, imo, as co-workers or random people inviting themselves to a wedding. Very poor form, indeed.

I agree with Alleycat, honor her request to not wear a dress and be a BM. Enlist her to do a reading. Part of me thinks you shouldn''t include her at all, but I guess that''s mean and not a wise way to begin life as her new SIL...then again, you could always have the officiant conveniently breeze right over the part where she''s supposed to be cued in to get up and read.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I had to expand my numbers and add my FSIL as a bridesmaid as well............

 

[Lilac]

I think it might really hurt her if you didn''t include her at all, but if both you and her don''t want her to be a bridesmaid, then I think you should include her in some other way (like a reading, as others have suggested).

 

[soontowed]

I believe that setting boundries with the inlaws early on is very important. Don''t let them manipulate you into doing something you don''t want. And in this case, if you don''t want her as a BM simply say you already have all your BMs chosen and that''s that. My FMIL said something about FSIL being a BM and I just smiled and changed the conversation topic. It was never brought up again.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 8/12/2009 5:23:22 PM
Author: soontowed
I believe that setting boundries with the inlaws early on is very important. Don''t let them manipulate you into doing something you don''t want. And in this case, if you don''t want her as a BM simply say you already have all your BMs chosen and that''s that. My FMIL said something about FSIL being a BM and I just smiled and changed the conversation topic. It was never brought up again.

I couldnt agree with this more! (been there...done that...dont let it happen to you!)

 

[Bia]

I would ask her to be a BM. To me, the role is less about honor and more about family (but generally, I''m not into the whole bridal party thing). I have mostly family in BP, and unfortunately as a result I''ll have a larger bridal party than I originally wanted.

In your case, if anything, it would be in an attempt to get closer to her, or at least show the fam you are trying. If she''s not full of s***, then her saying she wouldn''t wear a dress means she really doesn''t want to be a BM. If that''s the case, by asking her you''re still throwing it out there and she can decline if she wants.

Being asked to do a reading, if you''re thinking you''re a potential BM is sort of a consolation prize...imo.

If you really don''t like the chick, then talk to your FI and see what he thinks. If he doesn''t care, then don''t worry about it.

Sorry my advice is all over the place...good luck!

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 8/12/2009 9:48:31 PM
Author: Bia
I would ask her to be a BM. To me, the role is less about honor and more about family (but generally, I''m not into the whole bridal party thing). I have mostly family in BP, and unfortunately as a result I''ll have a larger bridal party than I originally wanted.

In your case, if anything, it would be in an attempt to get closer to her, or at least show the fam you are trying. If she''s not full of s***, then her saying she wouldn''t wear a dress means she really doesn''t want to be a BM. If that''s the case, by asking her you''re still throwing it out there and she can decline if she wants.

Being asked to do a reading, if you''re thinking you''re a potential BM is sort of a consolation prize...imo.

If you really don''t like the chick, then talk to your FI and see what he thinks. If he doesn''t care, then don''t worry about it.

Sorry my advice is all over the place...good luck!

Its not that I''m not close to her. I like her, I really do!

Just that my relationship with her is not like my relationship with my best friends. Who are currently already filling the roles of MOHs.

 

[jerseygrl]

cindy- i feel your pain. i didn''t even have the opiton it was just "commanded" by FI and his family that FI''s sister in law (brother''s wife) and little 2nd cousin would be in my bridal party. Same as you, I like them both very much but don''t feel like i know them well enough to be helping me get into my wedding dress or be at my bach party... I don''t really know what to tell you other than sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal with FI''s family''s requests...

personally, i would find out from FI if J was just throwing a hissy fit or if she really meant it that she did not want to be a bridesmaid... she is his sister and i think it would be weird to not include her in the wedding party.... maybe you can ask her what role she would like (other than Best Man??)

Good luck.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I know how you feel! My FI has only 1 sister, and I didn''t ask her to be in my party. I''ve already got 4 BM (my sister and 3 best friends). I think I may have upset her by not asking her, but she would NEVER confront me about it (I kinda asked MIL).

I just felt that my BM should be the people in my life that know me BEST. I mean, I''ve never even talked to SIL on the phone or done anything social with her. I also feel it would be awkward for her to be at a Bachelorette party or Lingerie party, etc... b/c she''s also a bit naive. I really felt guilty by not asking her, but after a few weeks, I think I made the best decision for me, and I''m having a blast planning this wedding with my girls.

However, I have thought about asking SIL to do a reading or something at the wedding (not because I really want a reading, but I want to make her feel special and include her somehow). Would you consider asking your SIL to do that?

Sorry you''re feeling the way you do (but I''ve been there, and I understand)!

 

[doodle]

Where I''m from, it''s pretty much the standard to ask your future in-laws to stand up with you. My DH doesn''t have siblings, but he knew from the get-go that much of my family would''ve been extremely hurt if he hadn''t asked my brother to be a groomsman (not that he minded anyway--the two of them are pretty scary together, haha). I mean, I know I''m in the minority here, but I kind of feel bad for her--yes, it was rude for her to automatically designate herself as the best man (and maybe a little odd, too), but she was excited for you, and if she were a man, it''d probably be automatic that she be one of your FI''s groomsmen. She can''t really help not being male, and if she isn''t welcome on your side, where does she fit into the big picture of wanting to be included in the joining of your families, you know? It''d be totally different if she were usually heinous to you or she and your FI didn''t get along or whatever, but you make it sound like everyone''s pretty amicable, so I''m thinking she was just genuinely happy for you both and wanted to play a part in your happiness. I would also consider where she was coming from in saying she''s not going to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid--you never asked her to, so she could''ve been trying to save herself from feeling like you didn''t want her around, you know? I''m not trying to throw a big guilt trip at you by any means--just playing devil''s advocate here!

Best of luck figuring everything out, and I wish you well, hon!

 

[cindygenit]

Thank you thank you and thank you for all the good luck comments and the advice you ladies have given me.

I feel like now whatever happens, I will know how to handle it gracefully and without stepping on anyone''s toes.

I must admit... I am torn. I agree with both sides of the argument. It''s a wedding, J should be included. But it''s MY wedding, i only want my closest friends standing next to me!!!

When the time comes, i will deal with it, and I''m sure everything will be alright in the end.

And it''s all thanks to YOU!!!

xxCindy

P.S: Really... thank you

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

That's tough!

My opinion:

She shouldn't be a bridesmaid. If she was quiet and didn't have a loud mouth, you never would have asked her to be one, right?

I was just in a wedding last weekend. My best friend was getting married, and she has a hard time saying no to people. Her now-DH's sister just assumed she was a bridesmaid and my friend never corrected her. She got along with DH's sister, but in the end regretted having her as a BM because it threw off the entire dynamic of our group. No longer could we talk freely about intimate memories and fun secrets we all share. Because this girl-- that none of us knew, and my friend (getting married) had only met a few times barely knew, was now adding her 2 cents to the entire weekend!

Have her read a poem or do the guestbook or something, so she is involved! No need to induct her into your close-friends-group!

Unless you think having her in your bridal party will make your experience better, no need to include her. This is you and your FI's day! Not hers.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 8/14/2009 1:07:12 PM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
That''s tough!

My opinion:

She shouldn''t be a bridesmaid. If she was quiet and didn''t have a loud mouth, you never would have asked her to be one, right?

I was just in a wedding last weekend. My best friend was getting married, and she has a hard time saying no to people. Her now-DH''s sister just assumed she was a bridesmaid and my friend never corrected her. She got along with DH''s sister, but in the end regretted having her as a BM because it threw off the entire dynamic of our group. No longer could we talk freely about intimate memories and fun secrets we all share. Because this girl-- that none of us knew, and my friend (getting married) had only met a few times barely knew, was now adding her 2 cents to the entire weekend!

Have her read a poem or do the guestbook or something, so she is involved! No need to induct her into your close-friends-group!

Unless you think having her in your bridal party will make your experience better, no need to include her. This is you and your FI''s day! Not hers.

Sorry for the thread jack...

LG - So since I''m not having FSIL as a BM my FI basically said I should invite her to my bachelorrette party (which also happens to be my bday) I keep thinking of how much less fun it will be with her there because of this very reason. I may just forget to invite her or tell her when it''s to late for her to ask for the day off.

 

[honey22]

You have no obligation to include her if you don''t want to. The BMs should be however the bride wants to have standing up there with her. Don''t let them manipulate you now, it will only get worse when you are married. Be strong girl!

 

[trishy]

this is exactly why i eloped... hee hee

but when my step sister got married [we grew up together mind you, i call her my sister, not my step sister, cuz we are close] she didnt ask me or my sister to be in the wedding, she had her good friends be BM''S.. and i wouldnt have had it any other way.

tbh, im so glad she didnt feel pressured to ask us. because then i would''ve felt pressure to say yes, when i didnt want to be part of it. [for the fact that, i wouldnt ask her to be in mine either, we are sisters, but not close like we are with our bestest friends] at one point someone made a comment about it, as in having expected to have all her sisters stand up, and i stuck up for her. cuz, her wedding was awesome.
i dont think it would"ve been as awesome had she gone with what everyone else wanted.

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Date: 8/14/2009 3:18:52 PM
Author: soontowed

Date: 8/14/2009 1:07:12 PM

Author: LamborghiniGirl

That's tough!


My opinion:


She shouldn't be a bridesmaid. If she was quiet and didn't have a loud mouth, you never would have asked her to be one, right?


I was just in a wedding last weekend. My best friend was getting married, and she has a hard time saying no to people. Her now-DH's sister just assumed she was a bridesmaid and my friend never corrected her. She got along with DH's sister, but in the end regretted having her as a BM because it threw off the entire dynamic of our group. No longer could we talk freely about intimate memories and fun secrets we all share. Because this girl-- that none of us knew, and my friend (getting married) had only met a few times barely knew, was now adding her 2 cents to the entire weekend!


Have her read a poem or do the guestbook or something, so she is involved! No need to induct her into your close-friends-group!


Unless you think having her in your bridal party will make your experience better, no need to include her. This is you and your FI's day! Not hers.

Sorry for the thread jack...


LG - So since I'm not having FSIL as a BM my FI basically said I should invite her to my bachelorrette party (which also happens to be my bday) I keep thinking of how much less fun it will be with her there because of this very reason. I may just forget to invite her or tell her when it's to late for her to ask for the day off.

soontowed, trust me, from my experience you will be happy if you don't invite her! The bachelorette party was not as fun with her there. I mean, all the girl talks of birth control, tons of sex, lingerie for her DH, and any crazy stories of other guys from the past had to be locked down since my best friend didn't want all that stuff shared with DH's sister!

I may sound heartless and mean saying you shouldn't invite her! If my friend would have been happy the sister was there, and wanted her included, I would have been completely supportive. But she told me she wasn't pleased with the setup- the weeks leading up to the wedding and even during the festivities! It really threw her 'perfect day' off.

(As I said above, this was my experience. Some people may have other, more positive experiences to share

)

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:39:31 PM
Author: Dannielle

Date: 8/11/2009 11:36:58 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Hmmm, my first thought is you could include her in some other way? Like can she do a reading for you? Or something along those lines?? Would that work?

We has the same problem with FI''s brother and his GF.


We are going to ask them to do a reading- that way they are still included but don''t have such a big role in the wedding

This is what I was would suggest- glad to hear you''re considering it, too! While you deserve to have a bridal party full of people you WANT to have as bridesmaids, sometimes the stress of excluding an in-law that desperately wants to be involved is simply not worth it.

Hope you find a solution that works for you!