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Inlaw dynamics

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cakeny

Shiny_Rock
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Did they change at all post-marriage?

My inlaws are very sweet, kind and loving. And I''ve always been very comfortable around them and have considered them "real" family for quite some time now. But I noticed that I get much more easily annoyed with them than I used to, pre-marriage (or pre-engagement actually). A lot of my married girlfriends have told me that this also happened to them when they got engaged, but that it went away for them once they got married. Well, I''m still waiting.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
Nope, didn''t change for me at all. I think that my husband became more comfortable around my parents after the marriage, but they''ve treated him the same. They seem to volunteer praise to us and our relationship much more often, which is interesting, and unexpected... but I think that it''s not to do with the marriage, and more to do with other relationships happening in our family.

It''s interesting that you have been getting more easily annoyed with your in-laws... I''ve found that that reaction has actually calmed in me the longer I''ve known them. Do you think they''re acting differently, even subtly so? Perhaps being more intrusive, or pushy?
 

Lilac

Brilliant_Rock
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May 4, 2009
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Nope - not much has changed. Well I shouldn''t say that - for about a month my in-laws were nice and friendly to me and I got my hopes up that things had changed, but then (as always, just like it had happened right after we got engaged) after about a month they went back to being cold, controlling, and unfriendly. It hurts a little less when you''ve gone through it multiple times before and expect it though.
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I think for my husband things basically stayed the same because my parents were always welcoming and friendly to him and have treated him like family the last 5 years. If anything, they just became more friendly to him and have really started treating him like a son since the wedding.
 

geckodani

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Jun 25, 2008
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We''ve all gotten more comfortable with each other, and I''ve tried out transferring the Mom and Dad titles. So I guess yes, things have changed, but for the better.
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QueenB29

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Nope...nothing changed. My family''s still good to DH, and his family still hates me!
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I''ve heard it can change after you have kids, but that''s a couple of years down the road.....
 

omieluv

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 7/21/2009 8:51:22 AM
Author: QueenB29
My family''s still good to DH, and his family still hates me!
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I''ve heard it can change after you have kids, but that''s a couple of years down the road.....
Glad to hear DH and your family have a nice relationship, but I am sorry you are having trouble with your in-laws. I have also heard that relations can improve after kids, so maybe there is hope (assuming you and DH plan to have children).
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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Oct 18, 2005
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The dynamics between me and my in-laws were pretty... "neutral", I guess, pre-engagement. We tolerated each other. Then we got engaged, and things got really bad. My MIL became extremely jealous and would throw fits about everything wedding-related. It was awful. At the wedding however, she actually came to us and said that we'd done a wonderful job and she should have trusted us more. I don't think her behaviour had anything to do with her worrying about the actual wedding, but I'm not sure she herself knew the true motivations behind her freak-outs. In any case, I decided it was pointless to begrudge her the two years of hell she put us through (honestly, I almost called it quits because of her), and now things are back to sort of "neutral". MIL really tries and I have to give her that, but she just... annoys the heck out of me. She's clingy and touchy-feely and loud and she talks all the time but doesn't really have anything to say. Despite that, I really try to be nice. It wouldn't be fair to DH if I didn't at least try to get along. I know I do appear to be distant, though. I really try, but they always manage to push my buttons so it's hard.

DH has always had a good relationship with my parents, and it just keeps getting better. That's a big relief, considering the issues with his parents.
 

LadyBlue

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
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1,616
We are getting closer. As well my DH and my family.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Feb 15, 2007
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Yes, the in-law dynamics changed for me.

DH''s niece and nephew started calling me "Auntie Lori" after our wedding instead of just "Lori" which is what they had been calling me for the four years that DH and I dated.

I call my FIL "Dad" now instead of "Mr. Ourlastname."

We see a lot more of DH''s family now, too, but that''s because I facilitate all of that.

I don''t think anything has changed for DH and my family, though. He always called my parents by their first names.

Our two families have been spending a lot of Jewish holidays together for the last four years or so, the big difference now is that DH and I have space to host them, too.
 

newsboysgrl777

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 24, 2008
Messages
371
I think what''s changed for me is just my own feelings towards DH''s family. I always really liked them before, but now I feel like I LOVE them. I don''t mean I didn''t before we were married, but maybe I didn''t recognize it as much until then? I just know that after the wedding was over and we came back from the honeymoon, I realized we hadn''t seen them in a while and I actually missed them!! So I ended up going shopping and having dinner with his mom, sister, and grandma! LOL

As for my side of the family, I can''t say if anything''ll have changed. I live kind of far away from my family and I''m not close with them. I know my family really likes DH, but they''re so crazy and dysfunctional, it''s hard to have a normal relationship with them (which is why I''m thankful for DH''s family).
 

QueenB29

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Joined
Sep 3, 2008
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Date: 7/21/2009 2:29:53 PM
Author: omieluv

Date: 7/21/2009 8:51:22 AM
Author: QueenB29
My family''s still good to DH, and his family still hates me!
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I''ve heard it can change after you have kids, but that''s a couple of years down the road.....
Glad to hear DH and your family have a nice relationship, but I am sorry you are having trouble with your in-laws. I have also heard that relations can improve after kids, so maybe there is hope (assuming you and DH plan to have children).
Thanks omieluv. I''m sorry too. But unfortunately I''m used to it by now.
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I hope we start trying for kids in a year or so.
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zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
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12,461
Nope, it's still the same as it was before we got married. My in-laws and I don't call or e-mail each other -- when my husband calls them, they might ask to speak to me but that's about it. It's not that we don't get along -- we do, but I just let my husband be the go-between.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 7/21/2009 8:43:39 AM
Author: geckodani
We''ve all gotten more comfortable with each other, and I''ve tried out transferring the Mom and Dad titles. So I guess yes, things have changed, but for the better.
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Really? Mom and dad? Was that a comfortable transition to make? I can''t ever see calling my in-laws mom and dad.
 

Blair138

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 8, 2008
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1,207
My biggest In law issue is my SIL. She used to live with DH and she still thinks she can use the house as her own. I had a big problem with it before I moved in as she would use our garage code and drop in unannounced to do things like wash her hair and then leave. Or use the computer and TV when we weren''t home. She is 26 and has her own place.

When we were on our H-moon she helped take care of our animals and I found that she used some of my NEW things that I haven''t even used yet, she even just called to come over and use one of our new appliances, but no she isn''t coming to our house, she just wants to come use it and leave. I don''t mind sharing, but these are our wedding gifts that I HAVEN''T EVEN USED YET! It''s a big issue with DH and I and I am trying to be nice but it''s really difficult.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
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12,169
I always got along well with his parents and him with mine prior to the wedding so things really haven''t changed too much in that respect. The one thing I''ve noticed is that both sets of parents are getting along so well. When we were on our honeymoon they met up all the time and his parents are visiting my parents in France. I''ll never call his parents mom and dad though-I''ve always called them by their first names.
 

livinginsg

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 23, 2008
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114
I get along well with my in-laws and my family adores my hubby. Guess it really helps that we are a continent away!;-) As hubby puts it, it''s tough not to get along well when we see his parents once a year.
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sap483

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 14, 2007
Messages
988
If anything, I think we''ve gotten closer as a family. Both myself and my in-laws and DH and my parents. We also started calling each other''s parents Mom and Dad after the wedding (which I think contributed to us getting closer), so that would be the other change.
 

tigian

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 25, 2009
Messages
2,731
My DH has gotten more comfortable with my parents since our wedding and they are getting closer. My in-laws are in a different country but we are also getting to know eachother better. I email his family every so often and chat online which I never did before we got married.
I wonder why your in-laws are getting on your nerves now? Are they getting too close to you? Nosy? Pushy? Maybe you are getting more comfortable with them and therefore, you notice when you are getting annoyed with them. Kind of like how only my mom or dad can get on my nerves.
 

cakeny

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2008
Messages
161
Date: 7/28/2009 7:43:21 PM
Author: tigian
My DH has gotten more comfortable with my parents since our wedding and they are getting closer. My in-laws are in a different country but we are also getting to know eachother better. I email his family every so often and chat online which I never did before we got married.

I wonder why your in-laws are getting on your nerves now? Are they getting too close to you? Nosy? Pushy? Maybe you are getting more comfortable with them and therefore, you notice when you are getting annoyed with them. Kind of like how only my mom or dad can get on my nerves.

You are probably right! I do call them Mom and Dad (since the engagement actually) so I am very close to them, but maybe over the years we just got too close.
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