Family Judgment

[ProseCuter]

I got divorced last year from a man that was mentally and emotionally abusive. Our divorce wasn''t final until 9 months after I left him, and I started dating my current boyfriend before it was final. My parents are very religious and judgmental, and were very unhappy about this. (They told my son that I was "sinning" by getting that divorce, asked him if I was going to get back together with my ex, etc.) They did not include me at Thanksgiving dinner because of it. Since my divorce became final, they have included my boyfriend and I at family events, but I still know they aren''t pleased with my choices.

I''m on the verge of getting engaged, yet they hardly know my BF because they have not made any effort to get to know him. They only have us over to events when they know I''ll refuse to come if he isn''t included. I have not had them over to my house for several reasons. First, there are religious and political differences I know they won''t approve of. Secondly, he lives with me, which they don''t know about and won''t approve of. I''m in my 40s and hardly need them to tell me what I''m allowed to do, but I''m still afraid of their disapproval.

I am thrilled to be in love with such a wonderful man who wants to spend his life with me, yet torn because I know my parents are not going to be excited. I''m tired of living with their conditional love for me, yet not sure how to get past it. Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? How do you stop trying to get your parents'' approval when you''ve been the "good girl" your entire life?

 

[purrfectpear]

You stopped being the "good girl" the day you filed those divorce papers hun. There''s no unringing that bell.

Might as well enjoy your new status as "family sinner" and go for it

Well I jest of course. Seriously though, you live together so you''ve already made your break with their approval. What it really sounds like is that you would like to have your life on your terms and have them do the adjusting. I kinda doubt that is a realistic hope. Once you and the BF are legally married, they''ll get over it and at least pretend to accept the situation.

 

[jaylex]

Long response. Sorry!
mine and my boyfriends parents are very religious and very judgemental. BF and I are probably what you would refer to as "religious". We are both Christians and our faith is extremely important in our lives and relationship.
That being said. We are also very realistic, while our parents are not. They tend to judge things by the general "situation" as opposed to the actual "circumstance". Minor examples:
Bf and I still live at our parents homes (we are 19 and 21) and have been dating for almost 4 years. We are planning on moving out after we get engaged this year. My mother still thinks that we have our "vcards" (to put it nicely?). Every time she goes out of town she has to lecture me on how bf isn't allowed to be at the house until she and my stepdad get back. also, she leaves notes telling me to "be good and behave" (I know exactly what she means by that) on the kitchen counter and my bedroom door.She told me that if BF and I move out before we are married (whether we are engaged or not) she will not pay for our wedding. The funny thing is that my step sis just got married in december (she is around my age) and her and her fiance lived together before they were married and she paid for one third of HER wedding. Bf and I are talking about taking a vaca for our 4 year anniversary this year (I think he's planning on proposing there). Mom warned me that I would "NOT be taking a vacation with bf until AFTER we are married". She doesn't look at the fact that we have a very healthy and stable relationship and that we have been together for four years. She only looks at the fact that we aren't "married" yet.
She just wants me to be a "good girl" and do things the way she wish she did them. She has no problem getting to know my bf. She just doesn't want bf and I to know each other too well

.
BF's parents can be equally, if not more judgemental. At least they are now starting to acknowledge (even embrace) the fact that they will have me as a daughter in law within the next two years or so. They keep asking bf when he is going to propose to me.

At this point, bf and I realized that we are NEVER going to please everyone. We just want to work on our relationship (after all, who are you closer to than your spouse?) and do things the right way and at the right pace for us. We love learning new things about each other every day and we make each other happy. If our parents can't see that or "approve" of it, then that is their problem. We want them to be involved in our lives and it would be nice to have their support but in the end, it will be him and I standing strong. If they choose not to be involved, than it's their loss.

Our parents live with a very "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy (not intentionally) and they have a habit of judging people before they get to know them.
and thanks to your story, i have no hope of our parents ever mellowing out! lol.
Good luck with your situation and congrats on finding your true love

. Hopefully your parents will see how well he treats you and how much you love each other and eventually, come to love him (almost) as much as you do!
Sorry for the long response

 

[bee*]

I agree with PP in that once you guys are married they''ll probably come around a bit. I understand that it must be very hard to be in that situation when you want to get your bf to know them but they don''t want to. From the sounds of things, your last marriage wasn''t great so even though your parents aren''t excited, it''s time to do something for yourself and make yourself happy.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:33:37 PM
Author:ProseCuter
I got divorced last year from a man that was mentally and emotionally abusive. Our divorce wasn''t final until 9 months after I left him, and I started dating my current boyfriend before it was final. My parents are very religious and judgmental, and were very unhappy about this. (They told my son that I was ''sinning'' by getting that divorce, asked him if I was going to get back together with my ex, etc.) They did not include me at Thanksgiving dinner because of it. Since my divorce became final, they have included my boyfriend and I at family events, but I still know they aren''t pleased with my choices.

I''m on the verge of getting engaged, yet they hardly know my BF because they have not made any effort to get to know him. They only have us over to events when they know I''ll refuse to come if he isn''t included. I have not had them over to my house for several reasons. First, there are religious and political differences I know they won''t approve of. Secondly, he lives with me, which they don''t know about and won''t approve of. I''m in my 40s and hardly need them to tell me what I''m allowed to do, but I''m still afraid of their disapproval.

I am thrilled to be in love with such a wonderful man who wants to spend his life with me, yet torn because I know my parents are not going to be excited. I''m tired of living with their conditional love for me, yet not sure how to get past it. Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? How do you stop trying to get your parents'' approval when you''ve been the ''good girl'' your entire life?

I don''t have experience of your situation - my parents don''t approve of us marrying WITHOUT living together for at least a year - but I did spend a huge amount of my life trying to get my father''s approval on everything I did.

He was a fairly intimidating and very strong influence in my life when I was growing up, we are also extremely similar in character and he used to tell me that everytime he looked at me all he could see were the things he hated about himself

...

He is a doctor and all my relatives are either doctors or lawyers and so he has always had a very restricted view of what you can do in life. I did my degree in Design, and frankly you would think I''d chosen to do a degree in Mickey Mouse studies. Despite the fact that I went to work for some of the top Italian design studios straight out of college, and had won some of the major national design awards in the UK in my final year at college, I never felt that he ever approved or was proud of me in any way. Strangely enough, he trained and worked for many years as an eye surgeon and then changed discipline within 2 months of his own father''s death...

In the end, I tackled the situation in therapy - why I considered my father''s reaction before making any choice in my life, and why I continued to do this despite knowing that he would never approve.

Nowadays, I am married to the man I wanted to marry, I have a job that I chose for me in a sector that I also chose, and I really don''t care what he thinks. Funnily enough our relationship has changed entirely now that I won''t take any crap from him and we probably get on better than he does with any of my other siblings. Not only that, but my mother told me that my husband has had ''words'' if he feels that my father is out of order - and that my father is pretty scared of him!

I can honestly say that really looking at why I needed my parents approval so much and working on doing what was right for me was the turning point and I really took back control of my life - and we are all happier for it.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:33:37 PM
Author:ProseCuter
I got divorced last year from a man that was mentally and emotionally abusive. Our divorce wasn''t final until 9 months after I left him, and I started dating my current boyfriend before it was final. My parents are very religious and judgmental, and were very unhappy about this. (They told my son that I was ''sinning'' by getting that divorce, asked him if I was going to get back together with my ex, etc.)They did not include me at Thanksgiving dinner because of it. Since my divorce became final, Theyhave included my boyfriend and I at family events, but I still know they aren''t pleased with my choices.


I''m on the verge of getting engaged, yet Theyhardly know my BF because they have not made any effort to get to know him. Theyonly have us over to events when they know I''ll refuse to come if he isn''t included. I have not had them over to my house for several reasons. First, They are religious and political differences I know they won''t approve of. Secondly, he lives with me, which They don''t know about and won''t approve of. I''m in my 40s and hardly need them to tell me what I''m allowed to do, but I''m still afraid of their disapproval.


I am thrilled to be in love with such a wonderful man who wants to spend his life with me, yet torn because I know my parents are not going to be excited. I''m tired of living with their conditional love for me, yet not sure how to get past it. Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? How do you stop trying to get your parents'' approval when you''ve been the ''good girl'' your entire life?

See all the bold parts? your parents have the issue, not you. You made a better life for yourself. Not them. It is not their relationship, their life.

My parents are from the south (and i from the PNW) so we had a HUGE difference on how things should be, growing up. And i have been living in Sin since i first moved out. The thing is, they will never get over it. I DID.
So, to be blunt (but i mean it with a hug behind!!) Get over it. Move on. Once you overcome the fear of wrath from your parents, they will fall in line, eventually. Don''t give them the power to otherwards ruin your happy moment!

Mostly, Congrats on finding a new wonderful SO, and congrats on your upcoming engagement!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First...congratulations for getting the heck out of an abusive marriage, many

to you!

Secondly...You can''t please all the people all the time.

I know that sounds pretty basic, but it''s true. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. If this new man is making you happy, then there is absolutely nothing wrong being involved and in love with him. If you choose to marry him, then thats 100% your decision--and it''s a wonderful thing. Please don''t let yourself feel badly because you''re moving on with your life. Even if it means that you have to distance yourself from your parents a bit, or firmly tell them that you won''t listen to the negativity and won''t allow for them to draw your son into it either. Draw a hard line, if you must. You cannot live your life to please your parents...you need to be happy in your own skin before you can even worry about appeasing them!

I agree with the others who said that your parents will probably come around once you''re remarried...they will probably accept this "new life" as reality, once it is.

Stay strong, you''re setting a wonderful example for your son!

 

[ProseCuter]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:41:09 PM
Author: purrfectpear
What it really sounds like is that you would like to have your life on your terms and have them do the adjusting. I kinda doubt that is a realistic hope. Once you and the BF are legally married, they''ll get over it and at least pretend to accept the situation.

I think you are right. They haven''t changed yet (and are both nearly 70), so little chance of them changing now. I think once we are legally wed, they will kind of have to get over it if they want me involved in their lives.

 

[ProseCuter]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:22:11 AM
Author: jaylex
We are both Christians and our faith is extremely important in our lives and relationship....That being said. We are also very realistic, while our parents are not.
...She doesn''t look at the fact that we have a very healthy and stable relationship and that we have been together for four years. She only looks at the fact that we aren''t ''married'' yet.

At this point, bf and I realized that we are NEVER going to please everyone. We just want to work on our relationship (after all, who are you closer to than your spouse?) and do things the right way and at the right pace for us. We love learning new things about each other every day and we make each other happy. If our parents can''t see that or ''approve'' of it, then that is their problem. We want them to be involved in our lives and it would be nice to have their support but in the end, it will be him and I standing strong. If they choose not to be involved, than it''s their loss.

Good luck with your situation and congrats on finding your true love

. Hopefully your parents will see how well he treats you and how much you love each other and eventually, come to love him (almost) as much as you do!

Thanks for your comments! I can very much relate. I''m also a Christian, and both my boyfriend and I are moral people, but we''re also realistic and practical. We are both attorneys who work a lot, and neither of us is a 16 year old virgin! Does it really make sense to have 2 different homes when we spend all of our non-work time together?

And I understand that my parents (mom mostly) is disappointed in some of my choices, but aren''t they just that- MY choices, for MY life? I wish I could get her to see that.

My boyfriend''s family is very accepting of me and I''m so appreciative. No judgment at all! My boyfriend doesn''t even think that way. Of course, when we were over at my parents'' house for Easter, they were talking about their upcoming trip to SF and the hotel they were staying in. My boyfriend piped up and mentioned the hotel we stayed at when we were there in December (unknown to them before this) and what a great view it had from the room and the fantastic restaurant we went to within walking distance. Ok, to a normal family, that would probably be nothing. But later my dad told me that my BF''s comments were totally inappropriate because he was flaunting it in front of them. My boyfriend is NOT the type who would ever flaunt anything, much less that he is sleeping with me. They are the ones who get so freaked out by anything even slightly suggestive of sex being involved. My boyfriend thought he was contributing to the conversation of places to stay in SF.

After everything I have been through, especially the last year, I feel so lucky to have found love with my BF and have him in my life. My relationship with him is what matter so me the most. While I love my parents, I''m not choosing to spend my life with them, so if they persist on treating me poorly, it will only drive me away from them.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/12/2009 3:19:40 PM
Author: ProseCuter
they will kind of have to get over it if they want me involved in their lives.

and thats all you need to say.
(and yes, i have said that to my mother...

)

 

[ProseCuter]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:35:33 AM
Author: jcarlylew
your parents have the issue, not you. You made a better life for yourself. Not them. It is not their relationship, their life.

So, to be blunt (but i mean it with a hug behind!!) Get over it. Move on. Once you overcome the fear of wrath from your parents, they will fall in line, eventually. Don''t give them the power to otherwards ruin your happy moment!


Mostly, Congrats on finding a new wonderful SO, and congrats on your upcoming engagement!!

Thanks! I appreciate your comments. It''s hard to move from being the "good girl" to being the "black sheep", but I know it''s really their problem in not accepting me and my life. I AM happy. If they don''t want to be a part of it, that is their choice.

 

[ProseCuter]

Date: 5/12/2009 11:38:38 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First...congratulations for getting the heck out of an abusive marriage, many

to you!


Secondly...You can''t please all the people all the time.


I know that sounds pretty basic, but it''s true. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. If this new man is making you happy, then there is absolutely nothing wrong being involved and in love with him. If you choose to marry him, then thats 100% your decision--and it''s a wonderful thing. Please don''t let yourself feel badly because you''re moving on with your life. Even if it means that you have to distance yourself from your parents a bit, or firmly tell them that you won''t listen to the negativity and won''t allow for them to draw your son into it either. Draw a hard line, if you must. You cannot live your life to please your parents...you need to be happy in your own skin before you can even worry about appeasing them!


I agree with the others who said that your parents will probably come around once you''re remarried...they will probably accept this ''new life'' as reality, once it is.


Stay strong, you''re setting a wonderful example for your son!

Thanks! I appreciate your comments. I honestly felt like being in my previous marriage was my own fault and that I had no choice but to stay. Then I went to a seminar on domestic violence, and I realized that even though I had never been hit, I was a victim of DV. The cycles, the control, and the feelings were the same. When I saw my situation for what it really was, my eyes were opened and I looked for the chance to escape as soon as I could. Thankfully I made it out unharmed. (Threats of violence were made against me and at one point I honestly thought I was going to be hunted down and killed.)

I do feel entitled to enjoy the happiness I''ve found. I just wish my parents could celebrate it with me.