Can''t take being lashed out at

[aprilcait]

I have a feeling this post is going to be a bit lengthy but I'll do my best to keep it concise. Hang in there!

Background: DH's mom has been fighting Leukemia for a few months. Yesterday, the doctors gave her a few days to a couple weeks to live.

The issue: DH has obviously been upset. I've tried to be very understanding about his lashing out, as it's a natural reaction, but I also maintain a policy of "if you realize you're lashing out, stop, apologize, and go somewhere else. If you realized you previouly lashed out, apologize." Lashing out happens but it doesn't mean the behavior is acceptable. Today, though, I hit the wall with accepting his lashing out.

DH is very quiet about difficult matters. His sister is anything but. I am in between... I tell those who "need to know" but do not even hint at difficult matters to those who do not "need to know". So far, I've told my parents, my close co-worker, and just yesterday (because of my concern of having to take off work unexpectedly for a funeral/funeral preparations) told my boss. My close co-worker (who knows DH) sent a brief sympathy email to DH today and DH went off on me. He was upset that I told my co-worker and told me to let him handle his business. I responded that I have the right to tell my co-worker about the situation, that I know he wants to keep it all quiet but that I am going through this too. Then I said: "Your mom isn’t my mom but she is my mother-in-law and you are my husband and everything going on right now is affecting me too. What I feel is NOTHING compared to what you’re feeling, and I am fully aware of that. However, I don’t think I deserve a gag order especially when it is obviously not a family-wide decision."

I am SO angry! I know this is tough situation for DH but I do not feel that he has the right to tell me who I can and cannot tell, especially when I am being discrete. I understand he's in pain and angry, but it has been one nit-pick after another today from him, and the past week has been silent when we're at home... he just shuts down. Its driving me bananas!

 

[monarch64]

Sorry to hear this, Aprilcait. I think it''s ok for your DH to maybe let you know that he prefers you don''t share this sad news with the entire world, but I don''t think it''s ok for him to lash out at you and basically demand that you not speak to anyone about it, that only he has the right to tell people and he will determine who you are "allowed" to tell. That''s controlling behavior and doesn''t belong in a marriage, imo. Perhaps you two could schedule a time to talk in a neutral place about the issue, and try to work out a solution.

 

[purrfectpear]

He''s wrong. We know it. I suspect you have to suck it up until after the funeral. Then, schedule some counseling so he will have a better plan for dealing with stress and communication in your marriage for the future.

I feel for you because this hasn''t been fair and he hasn''t handled it well. On the other hand I can excuse a lot for the stress he''s dealing with and the fact that this is the first time he''s probably had to deal with such sadness, and a relationship. He just needs skills and tools. Good luck. You sound like you have a pretty good grip on things.

 

[Haven]

I understand how you feel, and I certainly understand that it is hard to be mistreated by a loved one.

However, I''ve been in your DH''s position, and I can definitely understand his behavior and feel as if he deserves some leeway at the moment. He just found out his mom is dying, she''s dying in the very near future, there is nothing he can do about it, and it''s also going to be a painful, sickly last few days for her. Cancer is horrible. It kills our loved ones, but before it takes them away it makes them weak and aged and very, very sick.

Is it right for him to lash out at you? No. But my guess is that he is hurting very badly and it feels like it will never stop hurting. He''s probably mad at the world right now, and I don''t blame him.

It is very difficult to control your emotions when you''re hurting this badly. I''m not saying his behavior is justified, it''s just not that surprising to me.

As for him being mad that you told a coworker, perhaps you should ask him if it''s okay if you tell people. It is, after all, his mom. We all mourn differently, and perhaps he doesn''t want his pain to be public.

My thoughts go out to you and your husband''s family. I''m so sorry to hear the bad news.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/14/2008 12:40:19 PM
Author: Haven
I understand how you feel, and I certainly understand that it is hard to be mistreated by a loved one.

However, I''ve been in your DH''s position, and I can definitely understand his behavior and feel as if he deserves some leeway at the moment. He just found out his mom is dying, she''s dying in the very near future, there is nothing he can do about it, and it''s also going to be a painful, sickly last few days for her. Cancer is horrible. It kills our loved ones, but before it takes them away it makes them weak and aged and very, very sick.

Is it right for him to lash out at you? No. But my guess is that he is hurting very badly and it feels like it will never stop hurting. He''s probably mad at the world right now, and I don''t blame him.

It is very difficult to control your emotions when you''re hurting this badly. I''m not saying his behavior is justified, it''s just not that surprising to me.

As for him being mad that you told a coworker, perhaps you should ask him if it''s okay if you tell people. It is, after all, his mom. We all mourn differently, and perhaps he doesn''t want his pain to be public.

My thoughts go out to you and your husband''s family. I''m so sorry to hear the bad news.

Ditto.

 

[fieryred33143]

I ditto Haven.

And also wanted to mention that his lashing out at you because of telling the coworker is probably something he''s going through internally. His mother hasn''t passed as of yet and getting a sympathy email from someone makes it more real that the inevitable is coming. I know that when the doctors said my father had a few weeks to live, even though we knew this was the end we still held on to hope that he''d turn everything around and survive. Getting a sympathy card or message during that time just reminded us that the chances of him pulling through were non-existant and that''s hard to deal with.

I''m sorry for what you and your husband is going through.

 

[Sabine]

"Hugs" April. So sorry to hear about this. While his pain and inability to control his emotions is understandable, it still hurts and is still frustrating. My advice would be to not take his anger to heart. If he continues to lash out, maybe just try to remove yourself from the situation. If you are feeling hurt or angry with him, talk to someone close to you or come here and vent. If the lashing out becomes constant or continues past a time when he should be healthily moving on, then confront him about it, but for now, just try to be there for him. You don''t have to agree with him that it is right, but pointing out that he is wrong is probably not going to help anything at this point.

 

[swingirl]

It was a bit insensitive for your co-worker to contact you DH especially through email. Quite inappropriate in my opinion since you were confiding in her about your situation not your husbands. I can understand him being upset. If he''s a more private person then having people see him in an emotional state is very difficult.

Sometimes you just have to be supportive of one another and let the one who needs it get the most slack. Be patient with DH and realize this is probably one of the most difficult times in his life. He will eventually come around and realize that you are suffering too and that he''s behaved poorly.

 

[aprilcait]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice!

It''s been such a long road of treating him with kid gloves (there were issues with his grandmother before all of this stuff with his mom) that I''m getting a little tired of having to accept his lashing out, his shutting down, and his ultra-sensitivity. I know that sounds terrible, but it''s wearing. I just want my sweet, fun, sarcastic DH back and be able to be myself again.

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/14/2008 2:06:26 PM
Author: aprilcait
Thanks everyone for the support and advice!

It''s been such a long road of treating him with kid gloves (there were issues with his grandmother before all of this stuff with his mom) that I''m getting a little tired of having to accept his lashing out, his shutting down, and his ultra-sensitivity. I know that sounds terrible, but it''s wearing. I just want my sweet, fun, sarcastic DH back and be able to be myself again.

I know, sweetie, this must be very hard.

I''m sure your DH wants his life to be back to normal, too. He can''t possibly enjoy feeling the way he must feel.

My husband and I have had some similar situations, where one of us felt hurt by the way the other was behaving. I''m really emotional and reactive, and I tend to get defensive. DH has taught me a lot about supporting each other and extending the benefit of the doubt. But further, he''s taught me about taking a step back from my own response to sitautions and trying to see it from his POV (and vice versa) so instead of getting defensive and hurt, we can figure out what the most productive response would be.

If we were in your situation, I know what he would say when we discussed it after enough time had passed to have a rational conversation. He''d say "Haven, I know you''re upset about the way I was lashing out, and that was wrong. I''m sorry. But it hurts me that you didn''t think to yourself ''Wow, Mr. Haven is acting so out of character, he must be going through something really difficult right now.'' It hurts me that your first reaction was to be defensive and to think of yourself instead of thinking about me when I was in an obviously horrible situation. If the tables were turned, I would have thought ''Oh my gosh, what can I do to help Haven right now. She''s obviously hurting enough to act out against me even though I know she loves me. She must be feeling really awful, I need to focus on her needs right now.'' "

While I find my DH to be annoyingly rational at times

, he''s also right. We end up being on the same team and supporting each other, which feels so good in the end. I know that he will have my back no matter what, and especially when I need it the most (which is often the time when I behave in the most awful ways, because I am so upset.)

 

[AGBF]

Date: 11/14/2008 2:06:26 PM
Author: aprilcait

It's been such a long road of treating him with kid gloves (there were issues with his grandmother before all of this stuff with his mom) that I'm getting a little tired of having to accept his lashing out, his shutting down, and his ultra-sensitivity. I know that sounds terrible....

Well it doesn't sound terrible. It sounds natural. Why would you like to live this way? Sometimes life is just hard. I think everyone here has just been giving you the best advice that she can to help nurture the guy that you love through a hard time with it taking the least out of you that is possible. It's still going to be a tough row to hoe. Hang in there and keep posting!


Hugs,
Deborah

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 11/14/2008 2:18:26 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 11/14/2008 2:06:26 PM
Author: aprilcait
Thanks everyone for the support and advice!

It''s been such a long road of treating him with kid gloves (there were issues with his grandmother before all of this stuff with his mom) that I''m getting a little tired of having to accept his lashing out, his shutting down, and his ultra-sensitivity. I know that sounds terrible, but it''s wearing. I just want my sweet, fun, sarcastic DH back and be able to be myself again.

I know, sweetie, this must be very hard.

I''m sure your DH wants his life to be back to normal, too. He can''t possibly enjoy feeling the way he must feel.

My husband and I have had some similar situations, where one of us felt hurt by the way the other was behaving. I''m really emotional and reactive, and I tend to get defensive. DH has taught me a lot about supporting each other and extending the benefit of the doubt. But further, he''s taught me about taking a step back from my own response to sitautions and trying to see it from his POV (and vice versa) so instead of getting defensive and hurt, we can figure out what the most productive response would be.

If we were in your situation, I know what he would say when we discussed it after enough time had passed to have a rational conversation. He''d say ''Haven, I know you''re upset about the way I was lashing out, and that was wrong. I''m sorry. But it hurts me that you didn''t think to yourself ''Wow, Mr. Haven is acting so out of character, he must be going through something really difficult right now.'' It hurts me that your first reaction was to be defensive and to think of yourself instead of thinking about me when I was in an obviously horrible situation. If the tables were turned, I would have thought ''Oh my gosh, what can I do to help Haven right now. She''s obviously hurting enough to act out against me even though I know she loves me. She must be feeling really awful, I need to focus on her needs right now.'' ''

While I find my DH to be annoyingly rational at times

, he''s also right. We end up being on the same team and supporting each other, which feels so good in the end. I know that he will have my back no matter what, and especially when I need it the most (which is often the time when I behave in the most awful ways, because I am so upset.)

Your DH is one smart fella, Haven! Thanks for the advice and reality-check!

 

[Haven]

I''m just really feeling for you guys right now. I can only imagine the strain this is putting on both of you.

I wish I could say I always look at things so clearly and give DH the benefit of the doubt, but I don''t. But I do come around eventually!

Big hugs.

 

[dragonfly411]

I thritto Haven

I hope you won''t think that this is something that will be ongoing. At this point he is hurting. Losing a family member is devastating and yes some mourn differently. I personally wouldn''t have told anyone outside of the family (save maybe my boss) until after the event happened. Call and talk to your mom when you are upset. Dying family members is highly personal, and something he might need to deal with without others sending him sympathy just yet. He''s probably wishing for a miracle right now, which we all know probably won''t happen. He''s also probably considering the fact that some people are given a certain time only to live that much longer. He''s hoping against hope right now as well as being mad, sad, hurt and distressed. Be there for him, comfort him, and work through this TOGETHER versus with your co worker. I know it hurts that he lashed out at you, but I wouldn''t be so happy if SO''s close coworker emailed me with a "sorry you are going through this" Or "sorry to hear about your mother" either....

Prayers outgoing to all of you, I hope she passes peacefully, I hope you and SO can cope together, I hope he doesn''t grieve too long, I hope both of your hurts are healed quickly.

 

[KimberlyH]

April, m mother-in-law passed away 6 months after my husband I were married. With no other family left on his side it was just the two of us to deal with the process of dying and the aftermath. I am extremely close to my parents and accustomed to calling on them for support; DH is and always has been extremely independent and he just needed to be made comfortable (which meant no visitors, no funeral (her request that we respected), etc.) so that he could say goodbye and grieve. It was very difficult for me to tell my parents that she was dying, and then dead, and that I didn''t want them to drop everything to come be with us. I had spent some amount of time with her every day, with rare exception, for about 2 years before she passed and I, too, was grieving. Now, looking back, I am so glad I respected his needs, as hard as it was, because it needed to be about him. It was his mom who was gone and he was then left with no family.

It''s terrible that he''s lashing out at you and it''s not right, but for now I''d recommend you hold off on confrontation. When life has settled a bit, talk to him about what has occurred and how it makes you feel. Work out a system between you (such as a code word, or silly phrase) that communicates that one of you has overstepped bounds, so that you can get back to being who you are, as people and as a couple.

My best to both of you, it''s such a painful experience to live through.

 

[onedrop]

April: I am so sorry to hear about your MIL. My heart and thoughts go out to you and your DH. This has got to be a heart-wrenching time for you both, and I am sure that your DH is trying to cope as best he can. All of the comments before mine have been really helpful and supportive, so there isn't much more I can add except for what I write below, and I apologize if what I type has already been written.

Some time ago there was a thread on PS presenting a very similar issue, where a member's fiance or BF had just lost a parent and he was lashing out at her, and she couldn't understand why she was the target of his anger. What I remember most from the subsequent responses to her issue was a post about how men are often socialized not to show sadness or depression or grief because these are not "acceptable" emotions and could be considered as "weak." As a result those emotions typically manifest in anger. This reasoning sounds very archaic, but apparently there is some of this socialization still lurking around in this day and age. Reading that post was a lightbulb moment for me because I had never, ever considered the theory that responses of anger (or lashing out) are more acceptable in men than showing sadness, grief or depression. This may be what your DH is grappling with. He wants to express sadness and grief during this time, but maybe isn't really comfortable in doing so, so he lashes out. I know his responses are not easy for you to deal with, but most likely with time, he will heal and be able to manage his emotions. Until then, just try to be patient with him, do your best to empathize and respect his wishes about keeping things close to home. Things will get better with time.

 

[aprilcait]

SIL sent an email this afternoon inviting DH and I to her house tonight for pizza - she invited the two BILs who have come into town and FIL as well. DH and I have crazy evenings between commutes home, making dinner, working out, getting ready for the next day, etc. With everything that''s been going on, DH is exhausted when he gets home. So, DH replied to SIL''s email saying that we couldn''t make it and SIL replied that she would "HIGHLY request" our presence and said that their dad needed "everyone''s support".

What strikes me as odd is that she''s the one who developed this pizza party idea and she decided to hold it at the furthest point from FIL (her house). No one requested the gathering... she just thought it up and is "highly requesting" people''s attendance. Since FIL and the BILs are staying at FIL''s house, wouldn''t it make more sense to pick up a pizza and have the gathering there if she really wanted this to be about her dad?

This isn''t surprising behavior for SIL,as she is known for being very demanding (the siblings joke that her requests are actually "edicts" and refer to her as "the dictator") but it doesn''t make the behavior any less obnoxious. I feel terrible for DH... the last thing he needs is his sister being a PITA right now.

**deep breath**

 

[doodle]

one of my closest friends, B, and her husband, G, went through very similar circumstances to you. G''s mom had cancer and took a turn for the worst right after the two of them got married. although he had sisters, they kind of passed all the caring for the mother onto G and B, so they were completely responsible for everything toward the end there. to make matters worse, in all the time they were caring for her, G asked his sister to look after her for one weekend so that B and G could attend the wedding of another close friend, and his mother passed away that very morning, so he was totally overwhelmed with guilt that she died when he wasn''t there. he took a lot of his frustration, hurt, etc. out on B, who called or emailed with me and another friend to vent, and we made sure to never bring anything up in front of him so as to not upset him further. it was really hard for her to see her usually jovial, silly husband so out of it.

one idea that she had that she said helped them a lot was, when he seemed to be having a particularly difficult time, she''d have an all about G night, make him his favorite dinner, watch a movie together, whatever, but they''d do something together that was kind of their "thing" when they were dating and had good memories associated with it or something silly that''d crack them both up. it helped take his mind off things a little and de-stress somewhat, but more importantly, seeing him more like his old self reminded her of why she fell for him in the first place and made it a little easier to deal with how he was when he was more stressed. he caught onto what she was doing without her ever having to actually confront him about it, and he even started suggesting activities for them to do when HE realized things were getting to be too much and they needed some down time. i''m not saying a pizza and a round of trivial pursuit or something can make all your worries go away, but when someone that close to you is dying, it consumes you, and sometimes the best thing is to think about something else for a minute and let your sanity regroup a little! try to be patient and understanding with him (even when you want to hit him!) because few things in life are more difficult than losing a parent, and when it''s all said and done and over with, it''ll mean so much to him that you were there for him even when he was a PITA. best wishes to both of you, stay strong, and remember that you love each other even when you don''t like each other very much.

 

[swimmer]

Great advice from everyone AC, just hugs from me, such a hard life-stage for anyone to go through.

 

[MMMD]

First of all, I''m sorry about your MIL. It is terrible.

My DH acted like your DH towards me when his father passed away. While I could understand his rage, it got tiresome rather quickly. And I told DH that. You will be of no help to your husband and his grieving family if you are feeling beaten down and resentful yourself.

Good luck!