Is healthy fear something you want you children to have?

[TravelingGal]

So snowflakeluvr''s thread has me thinking about discipline.

I don''t want to talk about spanking, since that''s always a heated topic, but I am interested in what you moms (or mom to be''s, or people who don''t even have/want kids - so basically open to everyone) think about kids fearing their parents. I''m not talking about being terrified. I''m talking about "uh oh!" healthy fear while still being secure enough to know they are loved.

I''ve heard some parents who don''t want to discipline with any type of fear...they would prefer that the child listens out of respect for their parents. Others do use (or have the threat) of spanking, or even "the look" to keep their kids in line.

Do you think fear (for lack of a better word) is something children should have for their parents?

 

[cara]

Fear of the parents themselves is bad. Fear of (consistently applied, appropriate) consequences imposed by parents is good, as it sets limits for the kids. Those consequences can even be just a parent''s reaction (the stern eye, even an emotional rant at some choice misbehaviors), but I do think care should be taken to keep kids from actually fearing their parents.

For example, my father has an explosive temper and is irrational when he gets mad. As a little kid, my coping strategy was appeasement. I never confronted him when he was angry, and attribute this to being part of the reason I was his favorite. Otherwise our relationship was good, avoiding his anger was just a small part of life, but I''m sure he doesn''t realize how this fear developed when I was little continued to affect our relationship when I was an adolescent and young adult. As a tween, I was still afraid of him physically even though I hadn''t been spanked in many years. (And both parents spanked, but I was never afraid of my mother.) And as a teenager/twentysomething, I no longer feared him physically but continued avoidance/appeasement in fear of his temper and words.

I really didn''t realize how this fear had shaped our relationship until my parents divorced. It seemed such a small thing - avoid Dad when angry - until he was consumed with rage at my mother for years and wanted to tell me about it and expected me to agree and be on his side - after all, I had been on his side every other time he was angry! Then my methods were insufficient, and it has finally led to an estrangement. And all the other times I bit my tongue in our relationship now eat at me, and have really caused me to question what I thought was a good relationship with my father.

My sister (who did not appease anywhere near as much) had a rocky time with him growing up but does better with him now - she worked hard to establish her limits growing up, and is able to reap the rewards as he doesn''t take out his temper on her.

See, you start out asking about setting limits for little ones and it turns into little ones setting limits for the ''rents! Backwards!

In short, fear of parents is no good. Reasonable fear of reasonable consequences is good (even if the consequences come from parents.)

 

[miraclesrule]

Good topic. When I was in second grade a boy hit a large pylon into my face and it cut my lip. The principle called his Mom, got permission to punish him, and I had to watch as the principle took out a paddle and gave this boy a spanking. Whis would have been around 1967/68. .

I was not relieved. I did not feel a prideful sense of revenge. I think I was traumatized. It haunted me to think that I was responsible for this child''s public humiliation and physical punishment. Ugh, I can''t believe that they used to do thatin public schools. The nuns used to smack us on the hands with a ruler too.

Yet, I spanked my child on two occasions. I bit her once, and I pulled her hair once. (When she was a toddler and she needed to know what it felt like when she was doing it to everyone else) The two times I did spank her she had done something very dangerous. Like run out of the gate into the alley where she could have gotten run over. I realized that my spanking her was more out of my adrenaline and fear that I noticed she was gone and then finding her. I think parents get the most frustrated in the 2-4 age bracket. At least it was that way for me.

But it can be just as bad if you don''t hit them and take out your rage in other violent ways. Screaming, emotional abusive behavior is just as bad, if not worse. They still see your rage. Like the time I was so angry with her and she ran up the stairs to get away from me and I ran up after her, and I took the top piece off her canopy bed and through it at her stuffed animals. It richocheted and hit the bedroom window, breaking it. It ended her behavior because she had never seen me so angry, but it also cost me $50 to replace the window.

I don''t think that kids should fear their parents.

If I had to do it all over again. I would definately use non-violent communication parenting books in order to develop more respectful discipline/parenting tools that are neither punitive nor permissive.

 

[allycat0303]

That''s an intresting question TG. Well I come from an asian family, so much of what I say is pretty biased.

When I was younger, I was often afraid of my mom. She punished me (although not physically) with methods that created fear and created phobias. As I got older, I didn''t fear her, but I really feared her disapproval. Too much as a matter of fact, because that breeds constant insecurity.

I think with certain types of children, fear and a really firm hand are the only way to go (I am finishing my pediatric pyschiatry rotation), and some of the children need to learn a little fear.

With other types of children, understanding and respect are the way to go.

And finally some children need to be gently nurtured.

To me, it all depends on the child. And I think that a really good parent, will be insightful enough to discern what their child needs, and to have a parenting style that suits the child''s personality.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 7/20/2008 6:54:55 PM
Author: allycat0303
That''s an intresting question TG. Well I come from an asian family, so much of what I say is pretty biased.


When I was younger, I was often afraid of my mom. She punished me (although not physically) with methods that created fear and created phobias. As I got older, I didn''t fear her, but I really feared her disapproval. Too much as a matter of fact, because that breeds constant insecurity.


I think with certain types of children, fear and a really firm hand are the only way to go (I am finishing my pediatric pyschiatry rotation), and some of the children need to learn a little fear.


With other types of children, understanding and respect are the way to go.


And finally some children need to be gently nurtured.


To me, it all depends on the child. And I think that a really good parent, will be insightful enough to discern what their child needs, and to have a parenting style that suits the child''s personality.

I think Allie makes an excellent point about it being dependent on the child. I was a very intelligent child, and also very sensitive, and I was (and still am) much harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. Therefore, when my parents (both of them) would react inconsistently about things (i.e. the same level of anger over a cup of spilled juice as over something truly serious like my doing something dangerous despite being told not to) led to fear but not of a healthy kind. I was so mortally afraid of doing something wrong, and that plus never knowing what the consequences of a given action would be, led me to try all the time and in every way to be perfect, especially as an adolescent and young adult. As I''ve grown up and distanced myself, my fear has faded because I realized that nothing I ever did would be "good enough" and that it wasn''t a question of "learning" to predict their reactions, because they simply weren''t (aren''t) predictable.

Also in my house, consequences were very harsh, even for minor infractions. Again, this goes back to Allie''s point about knowing your child - the initial getting in trouble was often plenty to make me feel bad for weeks, and being strictly punished on top of that really just made me miserable, without serving any additional benefit. As I grew up, it made me respect my parents less, not more.

So I agree with Allie that you have to tailor it to the child, and also I would add that consistency, as much as humanly possible, is key - your child shouldn''t have to worry about being unexpectedly punished for something there''s been no consequence for before, or having you change your expectations on them without telling them so.

 

[somethingshiny]

I have a two-fold post.

First, I was hit too much by today''s standards, but 20 years ago, not so much. I was rarely smacked in the face, mostly just spankings, and never with a belt or anything. But, I was scared to death to hear my dad''s truck pull in. I remember actually having my stomach in knots. I''d run to my room and pretend to be asleep. Like I said, there wasn''t any HUGE physical punishments, but just the sound of his voice (always yelling) was awful for me.

Because of that, I try very hard not to yell at our son. He is disciplined in age-appropriate ways. He already knows the "look", and is that is usually all I need to do in public.

So, I really think it depends on the child''s reaction. If I was yelled at less and spanked more, I probably wouldn''t have been so scared and just had the "healthy fear". To this day I''d rather be punched than yelled at. And, for my son, I know that just knowing he disappointed us is enough to get him in line (Of course he''s only 2), which I think creates a "healthy fear". But, more a fear of consequence and knowing that you did something wrong, not an actual fear of parents.

But, even though I was scared to death of my dad, I never thought about disobeying rules. If I was grounded, I most certainly didn''t go out, even if I was home alone. So, my family was a little overboard, but I hope to have my son think as highly as our rules.

 

[Kaleigh]

HA!! Timely topic, we got to Nantucket, and wish some healthy fear had been instilled in my DS. He had a big party while we were gone. I like to think we are the parents that instilled the fear of god to them as far as parties are concerned. Last summer DD had a blow out. Police came, she learned a good lesson. So this time, I say to my son, Ummmm, what part of last summer didn't you get??

He quips back, well that was Ashley's lesson, not mine!!!

Oh Snap!!!

Yes he's toast, as in major toast. The lectures he was given this weekend by us and other family memebers had to instill some fear. Fear is good, like OMG, my parents will kill me if I do that.

More it's about having an open communication with your kids. I let him know I was very dissapointed in his choice. He knows I am very upset. Sometimes, that is worse than the you're grounded routine. Being grounded these days means a kid sits in his room with perhaps a TV and a computer, doesn't sound too bad to me......

I don't have a good answer, wish I did.

One PO'd mom I am.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh goodness Kaleigh...what a thing to come back to!!!

Interesting responses! I think Cara said it best for me. I do want my daughter to have a healthy fear of the consequences, whatever they may be, but not fear me.

I grew up fearing my dad. I feared my mother''s consequences (she spanked, only on the butt with her hand). The difference between the two is I knew without a doubt how much my loved me. I''m sure my dad did too, but I didn''t realy feel that back then. My mother was wonderful about SHOWING her love and when she was mad and disciplined me, I knew it was because of what I DID, not because she didn''t like ME. Both my brother and I were pretty good kids and didn''t get into the typical teenager trouble.

 

[Miranda]

I agree with Cara, too. I don''t want my kids to be afraid of me. I want them to be aware of the stiff consequences that come with negative behavior! Just like in real grown up life. Negative choices = negative consequence. I also agree with Lisa about open communication. I want my kids to come to me and DH if they need answers to ANY questions or help in any situation. They won''t do that if there is too much fear.

I was raised with no fear. I mean zero. I did as I pleased, when I pleased. My parents were fairly inconsistent as far as punishments went. I''m not being critical. Their philosophy is just very different from mine. AND, I was an especially difficult child!

I''m glad they raised me the way they did. I am very much of a free spirit and need lots and lots of room to make my own choices or I go crazy. I don''t know if that is a learned behavior because of their free form parenting style or if it''s just me.

DH''s parents on the other hand wanted the kids to fear their wrath. They felt this was the best way to get good behavior out of kids. They spanked (not beat) the kids a lot. The kids opinions/thoughts/desires were not valued. They were often humiliated as a tool for control. To this day DH is NOT himself when his parents are around. He loves them and they love him, but, it is uncomfortable.

So, DH and I were raised in two completely different environments and have come out somewhere in the middle.

 

[asscherisme]

My goal has never been and never will be fear. I feared my parents, I was terrified of them and because of that I had ZERO respect for them. They were bullies and abusers.

My goal has always been for my kids to respect me and the rules I set. I get compliments all the time for how well behaved my kids are. And considering 3 (out of 4) of them are on the autistic spectrum, that is a HUGE compliment to me

My older 2 kids telll me all the time how much they respect me (and how they don't respect their dad, but thats another topic all together).

I have never laid a hand on my child in punishment or anger and I have found the key to disciplining is it is MUCH more effective to stay calm, controlled, and focused when punishing. I have watched my husband and know from my kids reactions that yelling never gets respect, yelling and fear may work in the short term, but it undermines the message.

I think that having a goal of having your children fear you is definately not a healthy thing.

My kids and I have a great time together, but they also know that I'm not afraid of punishing them with something that fits what they did wrong. They may be fearful of me finding something out they did wrong because they don't want to be punished but they don't fear ME. The fact that my kids feared my husband and that he was unwilling to change his behavior even knowing this basically caused the end of my marriage. Hugely different parenting style. I know he is their dad and he has visitation rights but I still cringe at the thought of him being with them even in short amounts. My kids are so thankful that I am fighting for full custody. My older kids beg me to not let him have them and I'm doing everything I can to that effect.

So I think fear of parents is a bad thing.

On the other hand, I do admit to showing my kids stories in the paper of kids who get injured or killed from not wearing helmits, or drown from swimming unattended or being kidnapped. I think in those cases, its important for them to know I'm not just wasting my breath teaching them the importance of developing safe habits.

 

[Girlrocks]

I hoep that my kids follow my rules and guidance especially as they grow older out of respect for me, our family, our home, etc. My oldest at this point are only 8, but the thought of me being disapointed in them is much more traumatic for them than a quick smack on the rear. I hope that continues. The scenario that Kaleigh gave...well, a little healthy fear of what would happen to them when I got my hands on them wouldn''t be so bad either.

Seriously though, a mix of both.

 

[purrfectpear]

I was born in 1953. All the children in the neighborhood were spanked including myself. Unfortunately that included hairbrushes, yardsticks and belts. It simply wasn't considered abuse then, EVERY child I grew up with had similar discipline. Well I survived and harbor no ill will as I recognize that I wasn't being singled out for "abuse". It was how parents kept us in line back then. I still managed to have my rebellions and am no shrinking violet by any means. Still, when I had my son in 1983 I was going to be a modern parent. No hitting. Ha! That lasted until my son was two. Timeouts, schmime-outs. It just wasn't working. So he got a little swat on the behind when he needed it and he was none the worse for it (small swats, no hitting objects

). Instantly he was a very sweet well behaved child. So for me, he needed the physical reminder that there were consequences of not minding mommy. I don't think he ever got a swat after age 8, by then he understood grounding, no TV, etc. I never felt that he feared me in any way. He did fear the result of doing something he had clearly been told not to.

I've seen those kids in the grocery store with the mommies that say in the plaintive voice "Johnny, don't do that, Johnny sweetie please don't do that", and on and on and on while Johnny continues to do whatever his little 5 year old mind conjures up. Little Johnny has figured out that all he hears is blah, blah, blah and nothing happens. There's really no incentive to stop.

If time outs work then great, but if the kids are running wild it's a real PITA for the rest of the world who have to put up with it.

When I went to school teachers WERE feared. At the beginning of every year there was always one little hellion who thought he'd test the waters. The teacher would bring them up to the front of the class and bring out the paddle. Personally I was never traumatized by witnessing that but I sure got the message loud and clear. You don't talk back to teacher, you keep your butt in your seat, and you raise your hand to talk. Now teachers are completely powerless, the kids disrupt the classroom to the point that other children cannot learn, and we complain about the state of education.

It's a real dilemma, but the answer does not seem to be teachers who live in fear of students.

Sorry to soapbox, but fear of parents usually equates to corporal punishment. If you have the ability to instill fear without a swat, then you must be screaming at the top of your lungs

 

[nclrgirl]

YES. In my mind what you''re calling "healty fear" I call "respect for elders". It kept me from making a LOT of mistakes that I would have had I not respected my parents'' rules.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think time outs probably work for some kids. Like some posters said, there are kids who are more sensitive to punishment. There are others who a serious spank doesn''t do much.

Key is consistency, I suppose. If kids know mommy or daddy mean what they say, I reckon they''re going to be more responsive.

Speaking of time outs, the most interesting one I heard from my best friend is when a mommy from their play group had to discipline her son for kicking an adult in the shins. He was wearing little construction type boots, so the mommy made him take off his boots and put them in time out. The little boy got to continue playing and doing whatever he was doing. I wonder if the boots felt remorse?

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/21/2008 10:56:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think time outs probably work for some kids. Like some posters said, there are kids who are more sensitive to punishment. There are others who a serious spank doesn''t do much.

Key is consistency, I suppose. If kids know mommy or daddy mean what they say, I reckon they''re going to be more responsive.

Speaking of time outs, the most interesting one I heard from my best friend is when a mommy from their play group had to discipline her son for kicking an adult in the shins. He was wearing little construction type boots, so the mommy made him take off his boots and put them in time out. The little boy got to continue playing and doing whatever he was doing. I wonder if the boots felt remorse?

WTF!

I was at our community pool with the kids a few days ago where a bigger little boy was pulling a smaller little boy under the water and holding him down. The smaller boy wasn''t a great swimmer and was coming up sputtering and coughing. The mother of the smaller kid picked the bigger kid up out of the water and took him to his mother, told her what was happening, then got back in the water with her kid. The bigger kid started throwing a fit because he wanted to go back in the water. His mother just turned her head and rolled her eyes. The kid jumped back in the pool and started pulling the little one under again. Of course Super Mom didn''t do a damn thing. The mother of the little one finally left. This kid was out of control and the mother was totally ignoring him. It''s like, hello lady, your kid is a terror and is driving me crazy!!! I can''t handle Sissy Parents that are afraid of the little monsters they created.

I think you are right consistency is key. Time outs can be effective for some kids. For others they don''t work. My DD is so sensitive that I just have to look at her cross eyed and she is crying and begging for forgiveness. Her brothers...Not nearly as sensitive!

 

[purrfectpear]

Speaking of fear, I would have looked that brat right in the eye and whispered in my most menacing voice "if you don''t stop that this instant I will rip your toenails out and make you eat them"

Now aren''t you all glad I don''t live in YOUR neighborhood

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:04:22 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Speaking of fear, I would have looked that brat right in the eye and whispered in my most menacing voice ''if you don''t stop that this instant I will rip your toenails out and make you eat them''

Now aren''t you all glad I don''t live in YOUR neighborhood

Ahahahahahahaha, actually, I would love you in the neighborhood!!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:04:22 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Speaking of fear, I would have looked that brat right in the eye and whispered in my most menacing voice ''if you don''t stop that this instant I will rip your toenails out and make you eat them''

Now aren''t you all glad I don''t live in YOUR neighborhood

Ahhhh! LMAO!!!! That is hysterical!!!! That would''ve been my reaction, too!

No, I would love it if you lived here. We need some parents with a backbones here in yuppie land.

 

[Eva17]

funny thread!

purrfectpear, i had a very similar upbringing... i would just like to add the ole "whack in the head as you pass" with the words, "what the heck is wrong with you, what were you thinking..." for me, not so much, but for my brothers, more....

as a mom of four boys, discipline was important. i have gone the gamut, because they all respond differently to consequence.... time out, take away stuff, no friends, but swats, written apologies, blah blah blah,

but when things got desperate, i always went back to a ticket plan. i would hand a strip of paper with each boys initial on the top, with 1-5 coming down the strip. anytime one of them would misbehave or be disrespectful, a would cut a square off the strip. (so your strip would now go from 5 square to 4) at dinnertime i would see who lost squares and inform them of how many minutes who was going to bed early. each lost square equalled 15 minutes off their day. so if you lost 2 you were going to bed a half hour early. (i always had a great bedtime for my kids, between 7-8 for most of their younger years) i wish they still went to bed that early!!!!

believe me when i tell you nothing, i mean NOTHING hurt my boys more than going to bed early and hearing the others brothers up and playing. loosing 15 off thier day became serious business in my house. and it would snap them into beahving pretty quickly. sometimes, they would get another chance and sometimes it was a quick, "you just lost 15 min off your day buddy!"


that system was out of desperation. when i was tired of the sound of my own voice, i would say, i am done playing monty hall. i can''t stand hearing myself speak anymore, time for tickets. and they would scream, no, not the tickets..... LOLOL! i smile remembering!

 

[Eva17]

TG, i forgot to respond to your question in my longwinded post.

mom meant business. i didn''t say or threaten it if i couldn''t live up to it.

fear of the consequence or even that fact that there will be a consequence is VERY important.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 7/22/2008 10:15:20 AM
Author: Eva17
funny thread!

but when things got desperate, i always went back to a ticket plan. i would hand a strip of paper with each boys initial on the top, with 1-5 coming down the strip. anytime one of them would misbehave or be disrespectful, a would cut a square off the strip. (so your strip would now go from 5 square to 4) at dinnertime i would see who lost squares and inform them of how many minutes who was going to bed early. each lost square equalled 15 minutes off their day. so if you lost 2 you were going to bed a half hour early. (i always had a great bedtime for my kids, between 7-8 for most of their younger years) i wish they still went to bed that early!!!!


believe me when i tell you nothing, i mean NOTHING hurt my boys more than going to bed early and hearing the others brothers up and playing. loosing 15 off thier day became serious business in my house. and it would snap them into beahving pretty quickly. sometimes, they would get another chance and sometimes it was a quick, ''you just lost 15 min off your day buddy!''

That''s a great system! Clever.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/22/2008 10:34:12 AM
Author: Independent Gal

Date: 7/22/2008 10:15:20 AM
Author: Eva17
funny thread!

but when things got desperate, i always went back to a ticket plan. i would hand a strip of paper with each boys initial on the top, with 1-5 coming down the strip. anytime one of them would misbehave or be disrespectful, a would cut a square off the strip. (so your strip would now go from 5 square to 4) at dinnertime i would see who lost squares and inform them of how many minutes who was going to bed early. each lost square equalled 15 minutes off their day. so if you lost 2 you were going to bed a half hour early. (i always had a great bedtime for my kids, between 7-8 for most of their younger years) i wish they still went to bed that early!!!!


believe me when i tell you nothing, i mean NOTHING hurt my boys more than going to bed early and hearing the others brothers up and playing. loosing 15 off thier day became serious business in my house. and it would snap them into beahving pretty quickly. sometimes, they would get another chance and sometimes it was a quick, ''you just lost 15 min off your day buddy!''

That''s a great system! Clever.

That IS brilliance!

 

[dani13]

I'm not a parent, but I think this is an interesting topic, and I wanted to respond. I think if and when I ever have children, I definitely want them to have healthy fears. I wouldnt necessarily want them to fear me or my husband, but I would want them to have a healthy fear when it comes to us and our reactions to their life decisions. I certainly had a healthy fear of my parents and how they would feel about my decisions, and I know they played a huge part in mostly all of the choices I have made in my life thus far (and in a postive way). I think that is why I was always (relatively) a good kid and didnt get into any trouble. I never really feared the cops or other people that would be intimidating to most....I feared my dad....All he would have to do is look at me the wrong way, and I just *knew* I was in trouble!!!! He just has that presence (think Robert DeNiro in "Meet the Parents"), - very serious at times- which was scary to me when I was a little kid (actually, it still is- who am I kidding?)!!!

I would also want my kids to have fear of things like strangers, walking down the street alone at night, leaving their drink unattended at a bar, etc. I think its important to instill those healthy fears in them so that they dont put themselves in situations where they may be taken advantage of. There are alot of bad people in this world- you cant trust many people. My parents always taught us that- to be street smart, and to pay attention to your gut feeling at all times!!! A little bit of fear is not a bad thing, imo!!!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I am not a parent but I put my self through college by teaching small children and so I have some experience with how difficult small children can be. My parents also worked with abused children, and so I saw the conquences of punishment that was too severe.

I don''t think children should fear their parients, but I think parents have a responsibility to prepare children for adult life and that preperation starts as soon as children start making their own choices. I think that children need to know that there will be conquences if they make the wrong choices. As many have stated above being consistant is key, or else children are going to keep pushing boundries knowing that the parents gave in before. I found toddlers were the hardest. I often had to resort to simple statements "no hitting" and sit in the cornor for a 2 minute time out (any longer than that and they won''t remember why they are being punished, their attention span is not all that well developed). When they turned three, I would often talk to the child with words they could understand. For example, if one kid hit another, I would find out why (frankly the other kid diserved it most of the time). I would explain to the child who was hit that their initial action was inappropriate. I would than explain to the other child that they need to use their "words" and not their "hands" to tell someone how they feel. Sometimes I would do a short time out. I would than have the children "practice" using their words and re-do the situation without violence. I would than make them both say I am sorry and that would be it.

It worked pretty well up until the age 5 or 6, than they would start to lie, and I would have to go to taking away privilages. But my goal was to prepare the children for adult life. When they were young and still developing their verbal skills I would work on transitioning their problem solving skills to dialogue when are skills they will need when they will be older. When they got older, I pushed conquences more often.

 

[Burk]

Love this topic Tgal! DH and I talk about this often. We have a 2 year-old nephew and he is naughty. Every time we''re around him it gives us a great opportunity to discuss how we''ll handle things with DD.

I am a teacher and I firmly believe that kids need discipline and that when a child does something they know is wrong, whatever the case may be, there should be consequences. The consequences should fit the action. My students know the expectations in my class and they respect me for it. I want my daughter to respect me. I won''t always be her favorite person, I''m sure, and she will probably fear the consequences of some of her actions, but in the end I hope she respects me for it.

I truly believe fear of my parents'' consequences and/or disappointment in me kept me from doing A LOT of things through out the years! I am very lucky. We have a great relationship.

 

[diamondfan]

In an ideal world kids would simply do the right things based on our wonderful parenting modeling, and they would do so because they know it is right and proper. In the real world, with some of the scariness out there, I do not think it is wrong for a kid to think, Uh, my mom and dad will so NOT be happy about this. I try to tell them I am the little voice that they hear when they are NOT near me, and that I hope it gives them the mental support/strength to do what is best and avoid large issues.

I think it is not terrible for kids to have a healthy sense of consequences and know that a bad decision, however small, can really haunt them for life. I hate being a fearmonger for my kids, but kids often cannot see or grasp the bigger picture and really can make grave mistakes without really getting the long term ramifications.

I also tell my kids that I am happy to take the blame if they are caught in a bad situation...Oh, man, I cannot do this, my mom will be so pissed off! I mean, I can take it, let me bear the brunt so he can get out of trouble. I do tell him that it is best to stand up for what is right and try to surround yourself with people of like minds, but sometimes stuff happens.

I do not want my kids to be in physical fear of me, my mom was a hitter and that was awful. But knowing that they will have to face consequences for things and that I will be disappointed, as will hubby, well, if that helps get them through college and to the time where the wise part of the brain is more formed, I will take it. I would never want them to do things only because they fear me emotionally or physically. Kids are born wanting to please for the most part so that helps too.

Kaleigh, oh no! I am so sorry...

 

[shimmer]

A little off topic, but Eva's ticket system reminded me of when I took a road trip with my niece ( and nephew (9) from Calgary to interior BC (9 hrs).

They were fighting so bad and driving my mom and I batty

then I thought to give them each $20. Every time they started fighting or screaming or not sharing I would take away $2-$5. This worked pretty well, they made it down to $10 and $13 and I told them they could 'earn' the money back to $20 if they displayed good behavior. Well, that worked like a charm and the rest of the entire trip there and back they were thinking of ways to do nice things to each other and asking me if it qualified....hehehe. It made the entire trip so cute to have these kids thinking of nice things to do for each other (opening the water bottle for the other...it got pretty creative and very sweet

)

In some respects I think it was kind of twisted to use $$ to make them behave, but I am their auntie so I think that makes it ok to be a little out there with the discipline...and I would not hesitate for a second to do it again! (I just wish I thought of this earlier into the trip...it took about 3 hrs to think of something good enough).

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/24/2008 1:49:17 AM
Author: shimmer
A little off topic, but Eva''s ticket system reminded me of when I took a road trip with my niece ( and nephew (9) from Calgary to interior BC (9 hrs).


They were fighting so bad and driving my mom and I batty

then I thought to give them each $20. Every time they started fighting or screaming or not sharing I would take away $2-$5. This worked pretty well, they made it down to $10 and $13 and I told them they could ''earn'' the money back to $20 if they displayed good behavior. Well, that worked like a charm and the rest of the entire trip there and back they were thinking of ways to do nice things to each other and asking me if it qualified....hehehe. It made the entire trip so cute to have these kids thinking of nice things to do for each other (opening the water bottle for the other...it got pretty creative and very sweet

)


In some respects I think it was kind of twisted to use $$ to make them behave, but I am their auntie so I think that makes it ok to be a little out there with the discipline...and I would not hesitate for a second to do it again! (I just wish I thought of this earlier into the trip...it took about 3 hrs to think of something good enough).

Ha! My mom had this exact genius idea when I was a kid! I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, so there were 7 of us total (including my dad) sitting in a Dodge Caravan driving halfway across the country to a family reunion. She decided to give each kid a roll of quarters, and every time we were bad we had to give her a quarter!

Sadly, I did not have any quarters left by the time we got there...my twin sister had all of hers, though! I used to be the bad twin...now I think we''re equally bad!

As for the original question, I agree with others who have said that kids should have a healthy fear of consequences, but not a fear of their actual parents. I think fearing your parents because of yelling, hitting, etc., is very damaging to a relationship.

 

[Diamond Confused]

Good or bad is probably a matter of opinion from person to person and culture to culture. In my family there was definitly good fear. My mom just need to give me a look and I just knew I better settle down. I think when I got into my teenage years it really paid off on both ends. She never had to ground me: I knew when I had done soemthing wrong and wouldn''t dare to use the phone or ask to go out until I thought she was not mad at me anymore. I guess I grounded myself. It kept arguments between us to minimum.