Anyone else on the fence about having children?

[vespergirl]

I always thought I wanted kids, but down the line. Then, when I was 29, we found out that I was pregnant. We had been together for 2 years and living together for a year, but weren''t engaged yet. I panicked, but my now-husband was ecstatic about the pregnancy, proposed, and took me ring shopping the next day. We were married 7 weeks later, bought a house a few months after that, and then had the baby. I love my life so much staying home with my son now, and I wasn''t sure I was ready for kids yet. I do know that I have some friends who waited until their mid thirties, and are now having trouble trying to conceive, so my husband and I think that God was giving us a kick in the pants to hurry up and start our family (we were using barrier contraception that failed when I became pregnant.) We figure that fate was telling us it was time for us to finally take that step into the rest of our lives together, even though the "timing was bad" - my husband & I were working professional full time positions and he had just started his MBA as well. It was a tough year and a half, but my husband is now finished with his MBA, got a great promotion, and I love being a SAHM.

I have a girlfriend who just turned 30 who is now having the same problem - she is only married a year & now told her husband that she''s not sure she wants kids anymore, which is causing them serious problems. My advice to her was that I know a lot of women who are now in their 50s and 60s, some recently widowed who wish they had had children and now regret their decisions, but I don''t know anyone who has kids who''s ever said that they regret having them.

It''s never a "good time" to start a family - there''s always some other obligation - I think that just a lot of our old priorities take a back seat once you have a child. And don''t worry about the body changes - I gained 35 lbs. during the pregnancy, and was back to my pre-pregnancy size 6 (I''m 5''9") seven months after birth. It took some time on the treadmill and dieting, but you totally will get your old self back.

 

[amy_dub]

I always wanted kids. then I was a Nanny for two years to a family of 4 (his two, her two). They were around the same age (8-12 Years old) and they constantly fought. Two of the kids have ADD and/or ADHD. Then they had a baby. The basically gave into this kid''s every whim and still do. It made me crazy, it made me loath kids. Now everytime i''m at a store and I hear a kid cry because it doesn''t get it''s way, It make me cringe. I was talking to my ex-boyfriend who has a 1 year old now and told him I didn''t want kids because they are so time consuming and it''s so expensive to raise a child. I told him I wanted to be able to do what I wanted when i wanted to do it. He said I was selfish. I guess I am.

I took a sociology of marriage and family class right after i was engaged. We looked a lot at family dynamics and how having kids changed the relationship between a husband and a wife. Basically the quality of marriage decreases significantly when a child is born. Once the kids leave home, the quality of the marriage increases, but never to the point it was before kids entered the picture. I fear kids would put a strain on mine and jon''s relationship, especially since he travels a lot with his job. I want to enjoy being married. I want to enjoy the time the two of us have together.

I also fear having a child with medical problems, learning disabilities, or other health issues. I don''t know that i''m patient enough to deal with a child that needs so much personal attention. I fear that I''ll have to give up my job to take care of the child, and that i''ll have less time to spend with Jon. I fear we''ll be living paycheck to paycheck to provide for this child.

I''m content catering to my animals now. They are my world. I could never imagine life without them. This seems to be a growing trend here in knoxville. I''ve noticed a lot more couples having pets (manly dogs) as their "children" and seem to be very happy.

My dad mentions wanting grandkids, I told him his will be of the goat variety.

Maybe as I age my clock will start ticking and my mind will change. But as of right now, kids are no where in the forseeable future.

 

[LaraOnline]

If ya ain''t feelin'' it, what can you do?

I was never really interested in having children - in fact, I guess I saw them as some kind of obstruction to the rest of my life - but gradually, from the age of 27 on, I started to wonder whether I ''should'' be having a baby...

By the age of 29, I decided that all the other parts of life with baby - husband, regular lifestyle - were probably important to me, and that all the pieces fit together like a jigsaw puzzle..

But by the time I met my husband, when I was 31, I was absolutely dominated by the self-apparent biological/emotional desire to have a child. It was hard to relax and enjoy the ride, babies were on my mind first and last thing at night...

Must have been on his mind too, he was never fussed over my lack of contraception...proposed in three months...happily agreed to me getting pregnant straight away...
I got pregnant on my honeymoon...
LOVED being pregnant...
Labour and delivery hmmm, it''s like bootcamp really...

there''s plenty of time, if you don''t ''have to go'', why would you?

you grow into motherhood, maybe hormones are released in labour, cause you don''t hate the crying as much as you thought you would

 

[LaraOnline]

Y''know, if there are important health reasons that physically compromise your ability to enjoy a pregnancy (or even just ''survive'' a pregnancy comfortably) why feel guilty about not really wanting to have a baby?

If the whole idea leaves you cold, why worry about that? There''s plenty of lovely children in the world, leave it to the other girls.
The most important thing is gaining meaning from your own life, on your own terms.
IMHO

PS I''m going back for my third, I''m hoping to get pregnant this cycle! (next weekend, you know what I''ll be doing!!)

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 6/16/2008 5:07:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I''m very much on the fence--I shouldn''t say that I''m on the fence because DH and I have decided we do want to have kids (1-2), but the overriding reason for this decision is that I feel that my regret for not having them will outweigh all of my fears about having them.

I''ve never been a big baby/kids kind of person, nor do I feel my internal clock ticking--in fact I would happily wait another decade if I didn''t feel that was selfish of me.

I''m about to be 30 and am starting to feel edgy about this whole issue. More I think about it, my head tells me I don''t want children, but what NewENglandLady said above pretty much explains why I feel conflicted

I don''t feel my biological clock ticking but I do have strong maternal instincts, which I use to take care of my special needs kitty

I''m perfectly happy and satisfy with that, and honestly think I can spend the rest of my life doing that instead of raising children *Shrug*

It doesn''t help that I don''t have a very good relationship with my own parents, and from my experience family has been nothing but overwhelming burden I couldn''t shake off. I''m terrified it''ll be another generation of my parents and me...

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 6/29/2008 2:24:31 PM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 6/16/2008 5:07:42 PM


It doesn't help that I don't have a very good relationship with my own parents, and from my experience family has been nothing but overwhelming burden I couldn't shake off. I'm terrified it'll be another generation of my parents and me...

I know what you mean here, but being a parent actually can do a wonderful job of healing the 'issues' you have with your own parents.
It's like you can forgive, big issues become smaller because you realise what a boot-camp of a job being a parent is.

Even providing the basics to kids(food, clothing, warm home) take a truckload of dedication...it makes you realise how much love really makes the world go around!
And besides, it is about YOU and YOUR partner, you form your own family dynamics. Things can change dramatically within a generation or two!!

It also helps your parent to realise that you are a grown up now, often they start relating in a different way to you.
Nothing bad in life is set in stone, having kids can help you realise that, they grow so quickly...

 

[TravelingGal]

Ladies, I was in your shoes and understand your fears. Loved my life, had much more I wanted to do, and was happy being "selfish." I really didn't care for kids and never (willingly) held babies.

And even though I am a mom now, I fully believe had I never had my daughter, I would have led a happy, full life. I think I may have had regrets when I got older and looked at everyone else's grown kids, but that regret would be more of a "what if" instead of a full blown "woe is me." I would be the happy world traveler who brought back stuff for other people's kids and been fine with that.

Of course, fate intervened and now I am a mother of a 3 month old girl.

I fell in love with her in the hospital, but it took me SIX WEEKS to even LIKE her. My life felt like a horrible version of that movie groundhog day. I was MISERABLE for 6 weeks and I am not the type of person to complain or be grumpy. I was fat, wearing the same clothes all the time, day in and day out, and I STANK. I fell apart at week 5 and sobbed my guts out. I told my husband, I didn't sign up for this sh*t! I was hating my life, was sleep deprived, and couldn't believe there would EVER be an end in sight to being a host to this little parasite (can you tell I wasn't thrilled with my new role?)

But then at six weeks old, she looked at me. REALLY looked at me. And my oh god, it's been amazing ever since. The parasite turned into my DAUGHTER.

Maternal love is something beyond what you have known love to be. It is wonder and awe. It is humbling and joyous. It is petrifying too. If you don't have a child (either by adoption or biologically), you will never experience it, period. It's different from the love you feel for your spouse, parents, or siblings. It's truly all consuming in a way you can't understand until you find yourself in it.

Could I have lived happily without experiencing it? Yes. But am I beyond thrilled now that I have? Absolutely. Children are a gift...

With no receipts for refunds or exchanges.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:45:34 PM
Author: merrijoy

Date: 6/16/2008 3:27:41 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM
Author:merrijoy

I fear the bodily changes I hear so much about, some may be tmi for here...

I''m very frightened of that myself. I actually want to know what the worst is that can happen in this area. I''ve heard some gross stories.

I too am careful with money and can''t imagine the added expense of an infant. I am actually terrified of debt (aside from my house payment), and babies are expensive creatures. I just fear that the baby will need something else and we won''t have money for it, much less ourselves.

And I too feel ya as far as the personal time goes. I dunno about all that sacrifice. Even my friends with older, self sufficient kids are always going to this practice or that school program, and it sounds tiring. Their houses are overrun wit kid stuff. They spend most of their ''free'' time doing laundry. I dunno about all that.

Don''t get me wrong. I am a fan of kids. I am an 8th grade teacher and love it usually. But I also love the fact that when the bell rings, they go somewhere that isn''t my house.

100% agree on all you said. Also, scary to think, what if you have one more than one at one time. Although in theory, I would love to have boy/girl twins, I am so afraid of the expense. This is the same reason I am not getting a second dog yet. Also, we go to Sushi every Friday. It is our ritual. It is the only time we really go out to eat. And it is a great end to the week. Anyway, my SIL says Must be nice to just be able to pick up and go out to eat. She never gets to do that (3 kids under 8 years).

The TMI and biggest thing that scares me is when I went for my annual, I read in one of the preggo mags about incontinence due to weekening bladder muscles during delivery. To me that is really scary and if I had incontinence in my early 30''s, I would feel like I was 80 years old. For some reason, this is one of the first things on my mind when I think about giving birth. I am really not afraid of the pain or the other stuff that happens during delivery, because that does not stay with you long. But the incontinence can be with you forever.

I do really want to know what our children will look like though.

So here''s a TMI story for you...

I was 6 months pregnant, and in a mall in Australia with my husband. I sneezed. And peed. BIG TIME.

I was wearing a dress and it wet the front of my dress and ran down my legs and splattered my feet.

Let me tell you, no amount of feigned dignity can save you when you are in the middle of a mall with your knees and thighs glued together awkwardly, whlie standing there in shock.

I did have a c-section, but while I was pregnant, I was seriously worried that I would be a sneezer pee-er forever. I am happy to report I am now fine.

And yes, she was worth it.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 7/1/2008 12:10:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Ladies, I was in your shoes and understand your fears. Loved my life, had much more I wanted to do, and was happy being ''selfish.'' I really didn''t care for kids and never (willingly) held babies.

And even though I am a mom now, I fully believe had I never had my daughter, I would have led a happy, full life. I think I may have had regrets when I got older and looked at everyone else''s grown kids, but that regret would be more of a ''what if'' instead of a full blown ''woe is me.'' I would be the happy world traveler who brought back stuff for other people''s kids and been fine with that.

Of course, fate intervened and now I am a mother of a 3 month old girl.

I fell in love with her in the hospital, but it took me SIX WEEKS to even LIKE her. My life felt like a horrible version of that movie groundhog day. I was MISERABLE for 6 weeks and I am not the type of person to complain or be grumpy. I was fat, wearing the same clothes all the time, day in and day out, and I STANK. I fell apart at week 5 and sobbed my guts out. I told my husband, I didn''t sign up for this sh*t! I was hating my life, was sleep deprived, and couldn''t believe there would EVER be an end in sight to being a host to this little parasite (can you tell I wasn''t thrilled with my new role?)

But then at six weeks old, she looked at me. REALLY looked at me. And my oh god, it''s been amazing ever since. The parasite turned into my DAUGHTER.

Maternal love is something beyond what you have known love to be. It is wonder and awe. It is humbling and joyous. It is petrifying too. If you don''t have a child (either by adoption or biologically), you will never experience it, period. It''s different from the love you feel for your spouse, parents, or siblings. It''s truly all consuming in a way you can''t understand until you find yourself in it.

Could I have lived happily without experiencing it? Yes. But am I beyond thrilled now that I have? Absolutely. Children are a gift...

With no receipts for refunds or exchanges.

I have nothing to add except that this post has me in tears! TGal, I couldn''t have said it better myself.

 

[upgrading mama]

I am biased in answering in this thread as I am now a mom of 3 (my youngest, my only little girl is 2 weeks!) and here is my humble opinion.....
there are obviously pros and cons to both sides (to have/not have kids). I am 28 years old at present and have been a mom for 4 years now. (My boys are 4 and almost 3.)
Life has most definately changed since they arrived.
I am a SAHM and we own our own business so life is busy with work but for me mostly, the kids.
the day is all about them....things to do for fun, feeding them entertaining them, consoling and playing with them. "My time" usually comes later at night (like now when I am on PS).
Other ways life has changed: I laugh at silly things with them, I have great joy is seeing them learn...we are now on to beginning how to read and it''s amazing! Having your child run to you saying "Mommy, mommy!!" is incredible and I wouldn''t change it for the world.

Does having kids add stress in my life and on my marriage? absolutely
does having kids add life and love in my marriage? absolutely.

It''s a tough decision but one you both have to be at peace with and you are wise to be thinking about how you will feel down the road if you decide not to have kids.

and by the way, since we have had our kids, we have been to the Bahamas 3 times (once when I was prego with #1 and twice with 2 kids and I was prego with #3)....hubby and I went to Mexico for a week without them 2 years ago and we have been on countless car trips to Virginia and Upstate NY to visit family. I think if you are the travelling type and you want to do it, you will continue to do it.

Good luck as you grapple with this very hard decision!

 

[miraclesrule]

I am going to be very biased in this thread too. I can totally understand your fears and concerns about disrupting your lives, because many of you have great lives that you worked so hard to create.

I didn''t want college or a huge career first. I didn''t have a reason to care...until I had my baby. I knew I wanted a baby more than I wanted a husband.

I have endless patience with children, but little patience with adults who act like children. Unlike it''s child like behavior and not childish behaviior.

I have been called the Baby Whisperer.

It''s natural to think that you won''t be able to juggle everything, and it is a challenge for sure. Yet, I took a whole year off work to be with my daughter after her birth. Just her and me all day, all the time. No husband to distract me and I found it the most fascinating and enriching time of my life. It was truly the motivating factor in my determination to be a good provider for her and to be successful. Before I had her, I didn''t have any real grounding.

I loved being pregnant, except for the last month, when you fear the delivery. Babies don''t really need all the expensive gadgets. They just need your chest to lay on, and your attention, which isn''t hard to give, because a parent is so enthralled with their child. But if you don''t know whether or not want to have one....I agree you shouldn''t. It''s one of those things that you either do or you don''t. But, the horror stories shouldn''t scare you. It will change you life...but mostly for the better. Until you have to pay for their wedding...then you might wish you had a boy.

 

[tradergirl]

I have been married for 23 years. I knew when I was 13 I didn''t want kids and that attitude never changed. I don''t like children or being around them. I never even had a moment of regret or indecision, in fact, turned down two proposals from guys who thought they could change my mind. One of those is now a zillionaire with a company he took public, lol, but he married another woman to have kids; they are now divorced, and he tells me (25 years later) that having them did not end up being the life changing fantasy he thought it would be. No idea what his wife would say.

Statistically, over 50% of marriages end in divorce and many studies show that stress on a marriage increases exponentially when kids enter the picture. I think it''s a really bad idea to have kids with a man who is ambivalent or has expressed a desire not to and yet so many women marry these guys and wonder why they end up divorced later. In my business (the financial markets) most of the people I deal with are men and I have made many friends over the years. I would say informally that 60-70% of them would not have kids if they had complete freedom of choice. I was able to retire from employment for other people at 36 because I didn''t have the expense or responsibility of raising kids. My husband and I have complete freedome to work or not work, move if we want, etc. without having to worry about school districts, etc. A good friend of mine is a divorce lawyer and the stories you hear about people and their child conflicts would curl your hair. Of course, everyone thinks "that will never happen to me, we''re different," but hard numbers say the chances are better than 1 in 2 that it will.

I am not saying nobody should have kids. There are people who are born parents. But it is a decision that nobody should make until they are financially and emotionally able to do it properly. My casual observation is that no more than 30% of current parents meet those parameters.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 6/17/2008 11:37:03 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Not sure why the only options are to have kids at 20 or at 50

I don''t think the question is what *age* to have them but *if* to have them and when to know you are ready. I stand by my opinion. When in doubt, don''t.

I totally agree with Tacori. If you feel like you are not ready don''t. It sounds like you are in the thinking stages. So think for a while. To me it sounds like you are want children, but are frightened of the unknown. I was too. I hated being pregnant, and there were cetainly times when I felt like I was drowning in motherhood, but I have no regrets. I love being a mom, and I love my little guys like I never knew I could. My favorite line from a movie is from Lost in Translation when Bill Murry says " Your children are the most delightful people you''ll ever meet." I really feel this way, and I am not a "kid" person. It is challenging, frustrating and sometimes I have to dig down really deep for more patience, but I could not imagine my life without them. If you don''t have them, you probably will regret it, because I don''t hear you saying "I don''t want kids" I hear you saing "I want them but I''m scared". That''s healthy. It is the people that don''t question it at all who are really in trouble. Keep thinking. The answer will come. Best wishes!

 

[D2B]

Well, all the negatives are pretty much spot on. We also didnt want children for ages, then one day, we really analysed what we wanted at the END of our lives. For us, it wasnt more things, more holidays, more expensive stuff, more me time, it was a family around us. Our live has changed, it has greater highs and greater lows, but it is all so worth it. We are now deciding about no. 2, and all the negatives are still there, plus the added complication of a serious health risk for me and future bubs, I dont know which way we will go, but all I can think about again, is when I am 70, which path will I have hoped I had taken IYKWIM.

good luck, take your time, but realise there is never a perfect time.

PB

 

[trillionaire]

SO and I don''t want kids for the reasons that you mentioned. If we decide we want them, we will adopt 2, but right now, I can''t see a good reason. My dog is as much responsibility as I want, and more then SO wants, lol. I don''t want kids for selfish reasons, but it is very UNSELFISH to admit it. Much better than having kids that you don''t want!

And yes, I think it is a growing trend, esp with the cost of life and college increasing, not to mention gas!!!

 

[NYCsparkle]

having kids is definately a life changing event. me and dh got pregnant on our honeymoon and were thrilled. my pregnancy was a little rough at 1st(vomitting out the window of my car at 3 pm....i had afternoon sickness instead of morning sickness...praying my students wouldn''t see me..hahha), but i enjoyed pregnancy once i felt him move. you really have no control over your growing body and you just have to let yourself be a home to your child. i was always the slim skinny girl and when i got pregnant my mom said--you know...you are going to change...you are going to gain weight in places you never dreamed and be fat...lol

. leave it to mom to make ya feel real good. and i did. and i enjoyed the 36 lbs, because i knew they were baby pounds(thats what i told myself). labor and delivery...let''s just say the last few hours are a real scream

,but its true what they all say...you forget what you went through(it takes a LONG time, but you do). my son will be 2 in a few weeks

and is now talking up a storm. he has made me and my dh so proud...and he hasn''t even become a doctor yet..lol. we always say he is the best thing in our lives. it was scary being a parent at first. we went through the sleepless nights and walking around in the baby haze for a few months, but then theres the smiles, coos, giggles(those are the best), crawling, walking, mama''s and dada''s....thats when you really feel that there are no words for the love you have for this person you created. parenthood is something that you are never fully prepared for, but the ride is worth every second for those who dare

. oh and the weight does come off. by the time i went for my 6 week check-up i was wearing my old clothes.

its a personal choice whether or not to have children and i think that only the 2 people creating the child should have a say. mothers, mil''s and others should mind their own business. when and if you do make the decision to try and conceive just remember that everyone is anxious and afraid. there are so many what ifs and no guarantees in life, but ya just gotta jump in with both feet if you decide to give it a try. it usually works itself out, especially when a child has 2 level headed parents.

me and dh are now talking about trying for #2 and i''m more anxious this time, because i know what lies ahead. pregnant with my ds i came home from work and would nap for hours. i''d just sit with my feet up when they got swollen, sleeping past 7:30 am was a luxury. now it would be: nautiousness and a 2 year old, uncomfortable and a 2 year old, exhausted and a 2 year old, newborn and a 3 year old

, sleepless nights and a 3 year old up all day......i''m still contemplating #2.

 

[Love2Travel]

As of now, the g/f and I don''t want kids. We are in our early/mid 20''s. Basically, we are too selfish lol. We like to be spontaneous. With kids that isn''t happening. We like our vacations and fancy dinners. So for right now, the answer is a big NO to popping them out.