Are thank you notes passe???

[diamondsrock]

This is just a general question. I was invited to two baby showers late last year and earlier this year. The first one was a friend of mine and I really put a lot of effort and thought into the gift (and money - I went way over my budget!). It was a really nice shower, she seemed very happy with the gifts, but no thank you note ever arrived. I know she had some medial problems late in the pregnancy so I chalked it up to that, although she is usually the type to send letters, etc. so I was kind of surprised. She is very good at writing and probably should have been an author!

The second shower early this year was for a friend who moved away probably 10 years or so. I hadn''t spoken to her in 6 years or seen her since she moved. I wasn''t able to attend the shower (in our hometown at her mom''s house), but I sent a nice cute gift, card, short letter, etc. with my e-mail address asking her to keep in touch. I didn''t get a thank you note (or e-mail), but did get a baby announcement with no letter, note or mention of a thank you. Again, this is a girl who I was pretty friendly with when she lived in town, but after she moved we lost touch. Plus when they came to our wedding years ago they forgot our wedding gift (or a card I think) so I guess I didn''t have too much expectation anyways! She never did give us a wedding gift as I saw her many times after the wedding so I guess there was no gift to begin with probably, which was fine and didn''t really matter to me since we were all pretty short on cash back then. My husband thought I was crazy for sending her a baby gift since we weren''t really friends anymore and hadn''t spoken in so long. My co-worker and friend agreed. But something in me wanted to send her something for the shower. I did think it was kind of odd to be invited to a shower for someone whom I hadn''t spoken to in so long, since I had no idea how long she had been trying to have a baby, if this baby was a surprise, etc.. Pretty much didn''t know anything about what had been going on with her since it had been so long since we talked.

Are thank you notes going by the wayside or is this just my experience? To be honest, I guess it doesn''t really matter. I really do enjoy giving gifts just because it makes me feel good. I guess it''s just nice to have your gift acknowledged. Even a generic thank you with no mention of the actual gift would be good for that reason.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

I think they both should have sent you a thank you note. I also have a friend who never sends thank-yous, I went to her wedding shower and wedding and never got a thank you for either one. I actually then didn''t send a gift to her baby shower because of that. She came to my wedding and also claimed to have "forgotten" the card but I never received one.
I think both of the above situations warrant a thank you. If you send a gift to someone, and never receive a thank-you, then how do you know they got the gift? Even if she did have some medical problems late in the pregnancy, that could explain away a late thank you, but she still should have sent you one. Sending shower invitations to people that you are barely in contact with sounds to me like she is looking for gifts.

 

[neatfreak]

They may be, but they shouldn''t be!!! It''s only right to send thank you notes if someone does something nice for you or gives you a nice gift. But I agree, fewer people seem to be sending them unfortunately...

 

[FireGoddess]

I will admit that for my birthday or for Christmas if the person is with me when I open the gift I usually express thanks then or also send an email. But last year I got a thank you card from someone for either a birthday or Christmas gift and I thought gee, that was really nice. I should really start to do that. So I did, even though on those occasions I don''t actually expect thank you cards from people.

HOWEVER, for baby showers, bridal showers, and general big to-dos, I absolutely EXPECT a thank you card. I don''t think thank you cards are passe, I think people have gotten downright RUDE. People have gone out of their way to celebrate a major life event with you, the least you can do is frickin send a thank you card.

If thank you cards are passe, then perhaps gift giving should be as well.

 

[Miranda]

*gasp* No they are not! Good manners are always in style.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Never! Always send a thank you note when someone goes out of their way to attend a shower or give you a gift!

 

[surfgirl]

Ditto Miranda! It''s not you, it''s them!

Sadly, these days many parents dont seem to have instilled a sense of gratitude in their children (more like a sense of entitlement..) and thus, those children grow up without the practice of sending a thank you note. My mother always made us write notes from a small age. In fact, this post is prompting me to send my nephews some thank you notes so they can learn to write such notes. I always send a thank you, even for someone inviting me to dinner at their home. I just think it''s appreciated so why not?

 

[AmberGretchen]

Agree with everyone else - thank you notes are not optional, especially for big deal gifts like baby showers and weddings

I don''t know about everyone else, but growing up, my parents were always SUPER strict about making me write nice thank you notes, especially for gifts that were from relatives who lived out of town. I DEFINITELY wrote thank you notes for every single wedding and shower gift I received as well - I couldn''t imagine doing otherwise

The only one I can KIND OF understand is the woman who had some medical problems during her pregnancy. I think that she still should have written thank you notes, but I tend to have more sympathy for failures of etiquette when someone is going through something difficult medically.

 

[2Artists]

I am big into thank you notes. Growing up my Mom gave me a huge Miss Manners book and I thought it was such a funny read-but yeah she taught me thank you notes are mandatory. Thanks Mom.

After I got married I sent out thank yous very promptly in one case I remember to my embarrassment one got lost in the mail or something and the family friends called my parents to make sure their gift had gotten there OK. So I apologized profusely and sent off another red faced. So stuff can get lost in the mail once in a blue moon.

I do think it is rude in most cases when people don''t send thank yous. Stuff happens and sometimes there is a good reason but come on we almost never ever get them. And these are people who wanted the gifts in the first place. My husband and I have talked about the lost art of basic manners a fair amount.

On the bright side we came to the conclusion that it is to our advantage that most people have lost all basic manners since it just means that good manners stand out much more. Meaning that this carries over into the work sphere too. Hardly anyone does the follow up thank yous for job opportunities either so it just makes networking and winning jobs much easier if one has basic manners cause nowadays being actually gracious really stands out. Polite people do come out ahead in the end.

female half 2Artists

 

[miraclesrule]

I just attended a bridal shower and there was a little basket with pens and envelopes for the guests who were present. We addressed our own thank you card envelope and set it back in the basket.

I thought that was awesome!! It helps make the process easier for the bride, mom to be, etc.

She was able to ensure that everyone''s address was correct and then only needed to address the envelopes for those who sent gifts but weren''t present at the shower.

I have mixed feeling on thank you cards. On one hand, when I receive a typical greeting card store type thank you care, I open it, read it, and then toss it in the trash. It seems like a lot of wasted money and trees, even though I appreciate the gesture, if I was present at the party and she thanked me that would be enough gratitude for me. If I wasn''t present at the shower/party, I would probably expect some sort of acknowledgment, be it by email, phone call, or thank you card.

On the other hand, I have received some really touching, personalized cards, especially with children''s party gifts that I put on my refrigerator. For example, I attended a "purple party" for a three year old of a long time friend who I often babysit. I know that she also loves butterflies, so I bought her a purple bathrobe with pink and white butterflies. The thank you card was a single sheet of stock thick paper with a great pattern, with a smaller piece of colored printed paper pasted to it. It was a picture of her in my bathrobe with her hair wet. Underneath the picture it was a computer printed personalized Thank you, telling me how much she loves it and wears it all the time and thanking me for coming to her purple party.

The fact that there was a picture of her with her hair wet and in my robe, made me appreciate certain types of thank you cards.

I need to call my daughter about this now and see what she is doing for all of her showers.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I also have mixed feelings. I always do them because I was taught they were proper manners but I couldn''t care less if I recieve one. I gave the gift because I wanted to and don''t expect something in return. Beyond that, I get them and smile and 5 minutes later recycle them, so it does strike me as a waste.

More than that, to me, it is such a waste of paper. I send email thank yous to anyone I know is ok with it, and paper to the rest, but I wish I could just email them all. I shudder to think all the trees that are wasted so we can get the paper ones for our wedding, but that is what we are doing because it is proper.

Personally, I couldn''t care less when I get things in the mail, but seeing I have one new message in my personal email from someone I care about does make me smile and I can keep it without an issue. I move a lot and keeping all the thanks yous I get would take a whole box and space I don''t have, but not emails.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I sent thank you cards to all the guests on "my side" for the wedding, but I left DH in charge of his side so I know it didn''t get done!

I do agree that they''re nice, and I do them at times, but they definitely aren''t the norm these days. More than half the weddings I''ve been to, I''d say, I didn''t get one.

My father died unexpectedly last month, and I wrote maybe five thank yous, although I received many more cards and flowers than that. I just decided to write the people whom I was sort of out of touch with, or whose gifts were especially touching or unexpected. I hoped the others would understand that it wasn''t the first thing on my mind.

It''s funny; I got a card from my husband''s step-sister and thought it was another condolence card. No, it was a thank you for her graduation gift. She hasn''t so much as mentioned my father''s passing, and as soon as we got back from being out of town for the funeral she wanted to show us her apartment and tell us about her new job. So she was obviously taught that it is polite to send thank you notes, but it''s more like adhering to the letter of the law and missing the spirit. The point is to let people know that you care, and if it''s by a thank you note, great, but if the person would rather you take them out for dinner or call every week to check in, then I think that''s great too.

 

[2Artists]

I agree about the trees thing. Some would not agree but emailed ones are more than fine in my book.

female half 2Artists

 

[2Artists]

I am so sorry about your father. I don''t know how anyone could be upset to not get one from a person who is dealing with a huge loss.

female half 2Artists

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 7/4/2008 2:10:33 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I think the fine art of written communication is a lost art. I love to send mail.. so funny that it really does surprise people to receive something through the post.

I also believe that proper thank you notes are also a lost art.. sadly. But, I do send them and expect them though have NEVER received one after a shower/wedding etc.. so weird to me.

I also agree that your sentiments are true. Especially in relation to love letters...

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 7/5/2008 7:36:12 PM
Author: miraclesrule

Date: 7/4/2008 2:10:33 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I think the fine art of written communication is a lost art. I love to send mail.. so funny that it really does surprise people to receive something through the post.

I also believe that proper thank you notes are also a lost art.. sadly. But, I do send them and expect them though have NEVER received one after a shower/wedding etc.. so weird to me.

I also agree that your sentiments are true. Especially in relation to love letters...

I agree insofar as the writing quality people use online is truely atrocious. However, my fiancee and I wrote love letters through email for the first month of our relationship before we met, so I have no issues with electronic love letters.

 

[diamondfan]

I love nice stationery and nice pens. I also love getting something in the snail mail, but that does not mean an email thank you in certain cases is not acceptable. I like to get thanked if I have sent something as I do not know otherwise if the person actually got it. Getting a note is a nice way to recognize the person and lets the giver know the gift came. I think writing is a lost art on some levels, of course an email is written as well, but nice paper in one's hand is lovely. I am not against a quick email note thanking someone for their help or attendance at an event...totally fine and more environmentally friendly too. It is about the sentiment, and of course that can be conveyed by email, or by a sincere "thank you" at the event itself, if appropriate. In the case of your two events you absolutely should have gotten thank yous, no ifs ands or butts about it. Just rude and nasty for them not to send them. You got a birth announcement from one, surely she could have enclosed a little note then, which is not ideal but better than nothing, and the second gal should have acknowledged your gift somehow. People are just rude! Emails are easier to keep than paper cards, but back up those files!!! Still, it is really nice to get one in the mail, at least to me.

Phoenixgirl, sorry about your dad. July 5th is the day my dad died, in 1981, so I am feeling it right about now. I hope you are managing...

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 7/6/2008 2:18:13 AM
Author: diamondfan
I love nice stationery and nice pens. I also love getting something in the snail mail, but that does not mean an email thank you in certain cases is not acceptable. I like to get thanked if I have sent something as I do not know otherwise if the person actually got it. Getting a note is a nice way to recognize the person and lets the giver know the gift came. I think writing is a lost art on some levels, of course an email is written as well, but nice paper in one''s hand is lovely. I am not against a quick email note thanking someone for their help or attendance at an event...totally fine and more environmentally friendly too. It is about the sentiment, and of course that can be conveyed by email, or by a sincere ''thank you'' at the event itself, if appropriate. In the case of your two events you absolutely should have gotten thank yous, no ifs ands or butts about it. Just rude and nasty for them not to send them. You got a birth announcement from one, surely she could have enclosed a little note then, which is not ideal but better than nothing, and the second gal should have acknowledged your gift somehow. People are just rude!

Phoenixgirl, sorry about your dad. July 5th is the day my dad died, in 1981, so I am feeling it right about now. I hope you are managing...

Big Hugs to both of you. Losing Dad is very hard. It was so very hard for me.

And that is definately one time when I believe that a snail mail card is the most valuable and touching. I never realized how important a supportive sympathy card was until I received them after my Dad''s passing last year.

 

[diamondfan]

You two just lost your dads, my dad died so long ago yet it feels like yesterday sometimes. Fourth of July is not a happy holiday to me that is for sure.

 

[miraclesrule]

(((((( DF ))))) It is really hard when they die on or near a holiday. My Dad died on Earth Day. There is no way that I can ever avoid thinking about him on Earth Day, nor you on 4th of July. One of my former BF''s lost his Dad on Christmas Day, with only 2 days notice that he was ill. Life is a mystery. So yin and yang...such enormous joy yet deep sorrow. :::::heavy sigh::::::

I think that is why I love this line from a movie I watched....long after my nick on miracles, which is also a long time email address of mine...

"You''re a miracle, Ronnie. We''re all miracles. Know why? Because as humans, every day we go about our business, and all that time we know... we all know... that the things we love... the people we love, at any time now can all be taken away. We live knowing that and we keep going anyway. Animals don''t do that."

And so we go on......

 

[cellososweet]

i think common courtesy is a lost art and it frustrates me to no end. I always write my thank you cards, send flowers if someone is in the hospital, send a congratulations basket/gift/small token if someone has a baby, etc. It''s common courtesy. I call when I say I will. Write when I think about people. Pay attention to people''s interests. Don''t make a promise unless I know I can keep it (that''s why I don''t promise very often at all). It''s so frustrating to me that common courtesy doesn''t rank high on the list of things to have for some people.

Ugh! Sorry. I''m angry right now because I did a second interview for a job that I really wanted last Wednesday and she said she would be calling Thursday and didn''t (and yes, I sent a thank you to her) I understand that these things take time, but if you aren''t going to call don''t say you will. And if you forget to call, a quick email (even a mass e-mail to all the candidates) saying that it was lovely to interview but, due to the holiday weekend, we are swamped and will make our decision early next week would suffice. What the heck is wrong with people!?!?!?!

 

[vespergirl]

No, they aren''t, but most people are just incredibly rude these days. I don''t care how "busy" someone is, but a note should go out very soon after a gift is received. I''m a bit peeved myself that I still haven''t received thank you notes for two wedding gifts that I sent in May, almost two months ago. It''s getting to the point that I''d rather keep the $100 that I would spend on the gift, since it seems like the brides & grooms don''t appreciate the gifts enough to acknowledge them anyway

 

[Peepa]

I do agree about the use of trees for paper and that giving a gift is to give, not to expect a thank you note afterwards.
However, I am a total card junkie and wish I could write a card for everything. Birthdays, thinking of you, weddings, thank you''s, I love them all. I don''t however appreciate that anyone would expect them but I already like sending them so I guess that makes it a good thing?