nytemist
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2005
- Messages
- 962
For those of you who are or have done couples therapy, about how long was it before it stgarting to make a change in your relationship? Like if there was a specific issue that needed to be addressed, when did it seem to turn a couner?
I know that everyone isn''t that same and it all depends on what problems there are. We started going to sessions in late May. We have had 5 appointments so far and she is really good with making us both talk about what we are feeling without getting angry or building tension. Back in April we had quite the argument that stemmed form me asking a simple question about some future plans that we needed to discuss. He pretty much lost it on me, saying that he hadn''t been thinking about our last conversation about our future (about 3 weeks prior) Now, since the beginning of the year, I have been trying to be better about approaching him to have a realistic talk about our next plan of action together. To me, plans that we talked about back in 2003 or 2004 should be well into planning, if ot carrying out. Beginning of April, he had talked to his sister. (which he rarely does- he seems to have no interests in tlaking to anyone unless they call him) This is the sister who is pregnant and due in August. She asked how we were doing and when I talked to her she asked me if DH started to open up and really talk to me about what we want out of the future. I said no... future seems to be still kind of a taboo word to him. So after she was off the phone I brought it up. We hadn''t had any talks about our future plans in quite a while and though we should come together with out thoughts.
Fast forward the three weeks, I asked him if he wanted to revisit the conversation. I wasn''t attacking, accusing, confrontationl, I simply asked him ''so DH, is this a good time to follow up on our last talk?'' He gives this big sigh and says no, he hadn''t. He was more concerned with cat issues and honestly wasn''t thinking about our issues. I asked him, what do you care about at this point? The talks we''ve had about our future seemed to have gone in one ear and out the other, the sister you lived with for so long, that you are close to and is now expecting you don''t talk to unless she calls you and same with his parents; rarely do you call them. This does bother me since his parents are so fabulous and fun and they are like teenagers, meanwhile I would give anything to have my dad back even for a day. I said you have a wife that lately doesn''t feel wanted since we don''t interact how we used to, unless a conversation involves your cats it isn''t important, you have a family that would love to hear from you and it doesn''t seem as if you appreciate that. Plus you''re going to be an uncle and your biggest reaction to it has been a monotone ''congratulations'' when you sister told you at Christmas. When I have asked how you feel about becoming an uncle the most you do is shrug. I said I feel left out since it feels like you are withdrawing more and more adn I don''t know what is making that happen. I said it doesn''t seem like you want to develop any emotion for anything else but your cats. Why am I here trying to make this marriage work if I''m not hearing anything or getting any passion in return? SO he yells at me, fine do you want a divorce? I was so shocked I could talk anymore. About an hour later he came to me and said that he agreed with what I said months prior about finding a therapst since us trying to talk to each other was not working. That he knew I was putting so much into it, reading things that would help our relationship, but not know how to do the same thing therefore making me so frustrated. I''ve been stresses, not eating well, drinking too much, I can''t focus, losing sleep over this while he sleeps like a baby at night. I spent a few nights at a friends and told him don''t talk to me until you have researched a therapist, since as of right now I will say something I will regret. This could go on, but this is way long as it is.
So by now we''ve had 5 appointments, she has given us such great tools and advice on how to approach each other. I have been using the new tools so that he can actually open up and talk. But unfortunately not much has changed. I asked questions base on how I''m perceiving things and he will answer me, but still not bring ideas to the table. During our last appt., I told her this- that she has given us so many new ways of looking at things and talking to each other and I try it at homer and nothing happens. I said that he talks when he is in her office, but still doesn''t open up to that level at home. I said that I''m exhausted and I am finding harder to deal with the shutting down and not sharing his deeper feelings with me. She said that sounded bleak and I said I know it does, but what else do I do now?
Sorry this is so long, but I need to know where to go from here. The past few months have wiped me out. My friends who are married are different- they literally are on the same pages about everything in their lives or have an idealistic view of how marriage is supposed to be.
I know that everyone isn''t that same and it all depends on what problems there are. We started going to sessions in late May. We have had 5 appointments so far and she is really good with making us both talk about what we are feeling without getting angry or building tension. Back in April we had quite the argument that stemmed form me asking a simple question about some future plans that we needed to discuss. He pretty much lost it on me, saying that he hadn''t been thinking about our last conversation about our future (about 3 weeks prior) Now, since the beginning of the year, I have been trying to be better about approaching him to have a realistic talk about our next plan of action together. To me, plans that we talked about back in 2003 or 2004 should be well into planning, if ot carrying out. Beginning of April, he had talked to his sister. (which he rarely does- he seems to have no interests in tlaking to anyone unless they call him) This is the sister who is pregnant and due in August. She asked how we were doing and when I talked to her she asked me if DH started to open up and really talk to me about what we want out of the future. I said no... future seems to be still kind of a taboo word to him. So after she was off the phone I brought it up. We hadn''t had any talks about our future plans in quite a while and though we should come together with out thoughts.
Fast forward the three weeks, I asked him if he wanted to revisit the conversation. I wasn''t attacking, accusing, confrontationl, I simply asked him ''so DH, is this a good time to follow up on our last talk?'' He gives this big sigh and says no, he hadn''t. He was more concerned with cat issues and honestly wasn''t thinking about our issues. I asked him, what do you care about at this point? The talks we''ve had about our future seemed to have gone in one ear and out the other, the sister you lived with for so long, that you are close to and is now expecting you don''t talk to unless she calls you and same with his parents; rarely do you call them. This does bother me since his parents are so fabulous and fun and they are like teenagers, meanwhile I would give anything to have my dad back even for a day. I said you have a wife that lately doesn''t feel wanted since we don''t interact how we used to, unless a conversation involves your cats it isn''t important, you have a family that would love to hear from you and it doesn''t seem as if you appreciate that. Plus you''re going to be an uncle and your biggest reaction to it has been a monotone ''congratulations'' when you sister told you at Christmas. When I have asked how you feel about becoming an uncle the most you do is shrug. I said I feel left out since it feels like you are withdrawing more and more adn I don''t know what is making that happen. I said it doesn''t seem like you want to develop any emotion for anything else but your cats. Why am I here trying to make this marriage work if I''m not hearing anything or getting any passion in return? SO he yells at me, fine do you want a divorce? I was so shocked I could talk anymore. About an hour later he came to me and said that he agreed with what I said months prior about finding a therapst since us trying to talk to each other was not working. That he knew I was putting so much into it, reading things that would help our relationship, but not know how to do the same thing therefore making me so frustrated. I''ve been stresses, not eating well, drinking too much, I can''t focus, losing sleep over this while he sleeps like a baby at night. I spent a few nights at a friends and told him don''t talk to me until you have researched a therapist, since as of right now I will say something I will regret. This could go on, but this is way long as it is.
So by now we''ve had 5 appointments, she has given us such great tools and advice on how to approach each other. I have been using the new tools so that he can actually open up and talk. But unfortunately not much has changed. I asked questions base on how I''m perceiving things and he will answer me, but still not bring ideas to the table. During our last appt., I told her this- that she has given us so many new ways of looking at things and talking to each other and I try it at homer and nothing happens. I said that he talks when he is in her office, but still doesn''t open up to that level at home. I said that I''m exhausted and I am finding harder to deal with the shutting down and not sharing his deeper feelings with me. She said that sounded bleak and I said I know it does, but what else do I do now?
Sorry this is so long, but I need to know where to go from here. The past few months have wiped me out. My friends who are married are different- they literally are on the same pages about everything in their lives or have an idealistic view of how marriage is supposed to be.
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