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Maintaining distance from friends family - help

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D2B

Brilliant_Rock
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Feb 10, 2007
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Hi
I could really use some outside perspective on this problem.

I am friends with a mum in my mothersgroup and our children are the same ages and see each other a lot as we live in the same street. She is in a verbally and mentally abuse relationship and is planning how to leave, but cannot do so in the immediate future. I havnt seen anything, but have no reason to doubt her. Now, she keeps on trying to get me to meet the husbands parents (the grandparents) and have my son and her daughter over at his parents house to play (they have a large house and yard. Now I have told her from all the things she has told me about her husband and his parents, I want to stay out of their radar, I want to be her friend, but do not want to get inolved in his or his parents lives, nor do I want to come to their notice more than I need to.

She doesnt seem to understand, and whilst on a regular basis will use me as a shoulder to cry on for her problems, still keeps on trying to get my son and me to visit his parents. I just want to keep a healthy distance from potential touble, if one day she seperates from him, or any other issue arises, I do not want my child and myself caught up in this. Am I being reasonable?? Does it make sense that I will see her and her child in the playgroup circuit/playdate circuit but do not want to get involved with his family and the husband???

She asked me again today, and I said, no i would rather not, I have been upfront about my reasons why i dont want to meet. I dont see why I need to get close to them - especially from the things she tells me??!!

So am I being horrible and rude, would you do the same??

I am starting to get a bit confused.

D2B
 

Sha

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2007
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2,328
I would DEFINITELY do the same. Why is she so intent on having you meet his parents, if one day she sees herself separating from him and possibly his family?

I can''t see any real benefit in it for you - especially if he''s an ''iffy'' person already. Why would you want yourself or your children to get closer to him?
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Sabine

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 16, 2007
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3,445
You are absolutely right to distance yourself and your family. There is no reason to even think about putting your kids in a situation where they could witness abuse or have to see the fallout from it.
 

absolut_blonde

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 6, 2008
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808
I would do the same. I don''t know if I''d try to find a tactful way of explaining it or just make excuses. Eventually you may have to be honest (but polite) with her if she keeps pushing the issue, I think.
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
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Oct 9, 2007
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1,071
I would keep away if I were in your shoes too! Since you are friends, be honest with her as to why you don''t want your child around her family. Your sentiment doesn''t mean that you don''t want to be her friend, or that you are not supportive of her, or that you have to communitcate this in a hurtful manner, but it does mean that your child will not attend playdates at her house (or her in-laws house) -- EVER.
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
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I just re-read your post, and I see that you have been up front as to your reasoning. Perhaps it needs to be said bluntly "I don''t feel comfortable leaving my son with your in-laws because of what I know about them." Reiterate (sp?) this everytime she asks you.
 

D2B

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
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1,109
Thanks, i was beginning to doubt myself. Pricescope is fantastic, as I could never ask anyone in real life, as they would try and guess who she is and it is not my tale to divulge IYKWIM.

I HAVE been very straightforward and told her that her husbands antics (from what she tells me) and his parents, mean that I dont want to associate with them. I have told her upfront, and yet she keeps on asking me (or her daughter will ask). I am happy to help where I can, have given her books on self - esteem to read, listened to her etc, and straight out said I do not want to get close to your husband and his family. Her husband know where we live (as we are so close in proximity) and part of me worries that when she plucks up the courage to leave, he will be banging at my door.

Well, thanks girls, I still dont understand her desire to integrate me into her extended family, but at least I dont feel guilty or horrible anymore, or doubt my reasons for saying no. I will continue to help her but keep distant from the rest of them.

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D2B
 

phoenixgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 20, 2003
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3,388
Your instincts are correct. You are a mother with children to look out for.

While abuse is never the victim''s fault, I suspect that she is not a stable person herself, and you have already mentioned trying to help her with her self-esteem. What I''m trying to say is that I would not trust her judgment. If she is putting herself and her children in danger on a daily basis, then she wouldn''t expect somebody else to refuse to do the same.

This is a totally different story, but it might relate a bit. When I was in high school I met this girl at a church retreat who was obviously a pariah (she lived a couple of hours away). I felt sorry for her and wanted to help, so I struck up a friendship with her. We talked on the phone a lot, and she would tell me obvious lies, claiming to be in the olympics, always mirroring what was going on in my life (if I had a boyfriend, oh wait, she had one too, etc.) . . . the kicker was when she told me that her "best friend" had died. Completely coincidentally, I had met a girl several months earlier who went to her school through an entirely different organization, and I asked if she knew my friend. Hmmm, she said, maybe she was in her art class . . . then, tragically, this girl (not my friend, the one I met coincidentally) died in a car accident. My friend millked the death of her "best friend" for all it was worth, but as the fates had it I had met the girl and knew she could barely place her. Strange.

Anyway, this girl was just beyond my help. In retrospect, I am glad that I had such great intentions, but I wasn''t a therapist or a social worker; heck, I wasn''t even an adult. I couldn''t give this girl self-esteem or get her to tell the truth or fix whatever terrible things had happened to her to make her the way she was. And you can''t either. You can listen if you want to, and you can set up play dates that work for you, but you certainly shouldn''t risk your safety or the safety of your children thinking that you are helping her. She has to do that for herself, and I suspect that the more you try to save her from herself, the less likely she''ll learn to depend upon herself the way that she needs to.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your kids!

P.S. Sorry my example was so long and rambling!
 
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