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Band as ER?

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justjulia

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Alright, alright ladies... now, may I be a devil's advocate for a tiny second? (Don't bite me, just listen a sec..)

Coming from a woman nearer 50 than 40, here's a list of possibilities I can think of that make the mandatory larger rock an impossibility:

1) There might be adult children who are being supported in college;
2) There might be alimony payments going on;
3) They might be house-poor;
4) They might be on the cusp of retirement;
5) They might be supporting elderly, ill parents;
6) They might be from a culture that prefers smaller, high quality diamonds (Japan comes to mind);
7) They may have a diamond they like already in mind (heirloom?);
8) They honestly don't know what to do but if backed in a corner will behave out of character.

Just my .02. Didn't want to offend. Just offering perspective.
jj
 

Fly Girl

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Or, we can take the OP at his word, and they may really, really not want a large flashy stone. I can think of many social situations where a tasteful, well-made band would definitely be preferred.
 

gwendolyn

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I don''t think the real crux of the issue was whether the stone was that big or not, but whether the Dragger of Feet was letting his lady''s preferences guide his choice or not. Since we''ve learned he doesn''t want to ask her about her engagement ring preference because it will ruin the surprise, I think it makes answering the initial question a bit more difficult, since an intricate band is a very specific type of look for an engagement ring.
 

justjulia

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I''ve got it! A ring tatoo! Oops, that couldn''t be a surprise, could it?

...Just trying to put a little humor in here... We are all so protective of women out there, in a good way!
 

justjulia

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Now, hon, just put your finger behind this curtain and ignore the man with the big needle... It's a surprise!
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Isabelle

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Date: 6/30/2008 3:30:43 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I don''t think the real crux of the issue was whether the stone was that big or not, but whether the Dragger of Feet was letting his lady''s preferences guide his choice or not. Since we''ve learned he doesn''t want to ask her about her engagement ring preference because it will ruin the surprise, I think it makes answering the initial question a bit more difficult, since an intricate band is a very specific type of look for an engagement ring.

Too true Gwen. Big difference between a band ring (eternity or otherwise) and a traditional ERing. Now, no doubt Foot Dragger''s FI will jump for joy that he has finally dropped to one knee, and offered her a small, (make that "smallish"
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) token of his ever enduring affection and she will not care one ounce that he went cheap: "older sensibilities" and all. :) But in fairness to "vintage"/"antique", I am pretty sure that they gave real Erings in the olden days as well.

Personally, I can think of a million reasons why a couple would want a band rather than a regular ERing, but I can''t come up with ONE reason why the FI''s opinion wouldn''t be the first one sought out. It is after all quite a "specific look for an engagement ring" as Gwen astutely noted. :)
 

Isabelle

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Date: 6/30/2008 3:34:57 PM
Author: justjulia
I''ve got it! A ring tatoo! Oops, that couldn''t be a surprise, could it?


...Just trying to put a little humor in here... We are all so protective of women out there, in a good way!

Unless you could get FI into a sleep induced state first... :)
 

Lynn B

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Date: 6/30/2008 3:36:24 PM
Author: justjulia
Now, hon, just put your finger behind this curtain and ignore the man with the big needle... It''s a surprise!
10.gif
LOL, almost blew OJ all over my computer screen!!!
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kcgunesq

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Date: 6/29/2008 9:23:51 AM
Author: Isabelle
Date: 6/28/2008 6:45:02 PM

Author: feet_dragger

Thanks everybody for your responses! Any links to unique, interesting bands I might want to look at? Generally prefer things that look older or in a vintage style. Don''t necessarily have to be ''eternity'' bands, either.






Isabelle:



Perhaps you should read my post and not jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what I/she/we want. That''s a pretty harsh response based on the request I made. I won''t try to convince you of my ''enthusiasm'', but I will tell you that I always put considerable effort into purchasing gifts for my significant other (and I do view an ER as a ''gift'' -- I decided to get it for her, I will choose it, I will buy it, I will surprise her with it and a proposal). I have given her several pieces of antique jewelry (which I have shopped long and hard for) as well as various items of clothing -- and she has responded favorably to all -- not just verbally but wearing them often. I''m not worried about my tastes or my ability to appeal to her tastes. I was merely asking if there was any risk of committing a major faux pas in the eyes of others by getting her a band rather than a conventional ER. I wasn''t soliciting advice on my degree of enthusiasm or whether I understand her tastes or not.



I''m glad you think I need to ''get my head around the idea of trying to make my FI happy with her ring''. I don''t think I''d be here on this forum and making this effort if that wasn''t my objective. Sounds to me like your ideal scenario would be for me to give her a credit card and tell her to go buy what she wants -- then she''d be happy. That''s not how I give gifts. Taking the time and effort to find something that appeals to her aesthetic as well as mine is for me the true value of the gift (as well as providing much of the pleasure of giving a gift). If I really thought she wanted something large and flashy, I wouldn''t be suggesting something ''smallish''. And regarding our age, I believe most of us would admit that our sensibilities, tastes, and expectations often change as we get older. Also, asking her what she wants pretty much ruins the surprise, no?



After all, in the end, the absolute worst possible scenario is that she doesn''t like the ring. It''s a material object and can be replaced. I''ve had far worse problems in my life.



Date: 6/28/2008 9:17:52 AM


Author: Isabelle


Date: 6/27/2008 7:38:35 PM



This all sounds like it''s about what YOU want, not her, and you sound rather unenthusiastic about it as well. Is it that she wants ''smallish'' or is it that *you* want ''smallish''? She''s not into ''large'', or *you''re* not into large? She wants an eternity band for her ering or *you* want to get her an eternity band? I think you need to get your head around the idea of trying to make your FI happy with her ring, and not getting what you think she ought to be happy with.


That would all be well and good but your online moniker is ''feet dragger'', and your stated objective was ''smallish'', ''not large'', and you threw in your age as though that changes things. In your original post I don''t recall reading one thing that spoke about what SHE wants or your decision being driven by her likes or dislikes. Even your follow-up explanation makes clear, this is all about you: ''I will choose it''. You can''t ask her what she would like before you choose it? She is going to be wearing it every day for the rest of her life after all. And no, I don''t think asking her what sort of ring she would like to wear every day for the rest of her life is ruining a surprise, since presumably you have run it by her as to whether or not she wants to marry you. Let''s just agree to disagree. I hope for her sake she likes whatever you get. But I wonder why you would bother to ask strangers on PS whether THEY think it''s weird to give a band for an Ering, but won''t extend that same courtesy to your fiance.


I think many creative e-ring ideas have merit and you sound like you are considering some very nice options.

Isabelle -

FWIW, I thought your post was over the top and out of line. Not every couple works it the same way. And just because you might expect a certain level of consutlation on an e-ring doesn''t mean that its wrong when someone else does it differently. That said, you did raise some good points that I hope the OP will consider.

The next comment isn''t directed only at you.

I''ve seen several examples of where posters I assume are women based upon avatars and/or usernames jump on what I presume is a male poster for asking a question in the wrong way, or perhaps even in a boorish manner. You might have every right to be irritated, but it benefits no one to get nasty about it. If you are offended by the question, but its possible no offense was intended, why not just skip the post?

I frequent boards on several different topics with extremely diverse subjects. Pricescope is perhaps the very best in a number of ways. I sincerely appreciate the generally civil nature of this forum and value the collective good will expressed here daily.
 

feet_dragger

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Wow. I thought I was asking a fairly simple question and seem to have opened up a can of worms - most of which has little to do with my original question.

What I have learned from the responses:

(1) There is no "right" or "wrong" approach to an ER, just a LOT of varied and strong opinions, particularly with regard to the level of the recipient''s involvement in its selection.

(2) There are some really cool, considerate, sensible women on this forum who offer helpful advice and address a poster''s actual questions.

(3) There are some obnoxious women who jump to conclusions, make assumptions, and are quick to make unwarranted accusations; this only makes me appreciate even more HOW LUCKY I AM THAT I''M NOT MARRYING SOMEONE LIKE THIS.

So far, I''ve been called unenthusiastic, selfish and self-centered, insensitive and even "cheap." All based on a simple question about the acceptability of a band being given as an ER vs. a solitaire.

I mentioned in the original post that I was considering a Van Craeynest band, or as an alternative, a Van Craeynest ring with a "smallish, very nice well-cut stone" -- as neither of us are into large, flashy stones in general. I don''t think it''s anybody''s place to be judgmental regarding another''s budget, and I really find it hard to believe that this would be considered "going cheap". Maybe not extravagant, but certainly not "cheap." I could reference a couple of regular posters with these exact rings (which are quite stunning by the way) -- did their fiances "go cheap"? Obviously not.

Back on topic -- thanks again for the input. I am still going to make the ring a surprise (she''ll be in Rome on business at the end of the summer and I have arranged for that business to be "cut short" by a few days, and I''ll conveniently meet her there -- so it should be lovely and romantic), but I have done my due diligence and questioned her best friend and her sister about my ideas, and both said I was "definitely on the right track" -- "you know her, the more unique and individual, the better." So I still feel confident about my direction. Still a tough choice, though, with so many beautiful and interesting options. She deserves something special and I will find it.

I''ll check back in and let you know what I ultimately choose. This place is quite the resource to learn about diamonds. Not to mention a little soap opera thrown in as well...
 

gwendolyn

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Rome is so beautiful! I was there for the first time with my other half in January and it was incredibly romantic (yes, even in January!). If you guys hang out at the Trevi Fountain, get some gelato from the place right there next to the fountain (on the left if you''re facing it). It is SO GOOD!
18.gif


Congrats on your upcoming engagement, and I hope you have a wonderful celebration in Rome!
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Isabelle

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Date: 7/1/2008 2:14:56 AM
Author: feet_dragger
Wow. I thought I was asking a fairly simple question and seem to have opened up a can of worms - most of which has little to do with my original question.


What I have learned from the responses:


(1) There is no ''right'' or ''wrong'' approach to an ER, just a LOT of varied and strong opinions, particularly with regard to the level of the recipient''s involvement in its selection.


(2) There are some really cool, considerate, sensible women on this forum who offer helpful advice and address a poster''s actual questions.


(3) There are some obnoxious women who jump to conclusions, make assumptions, and are quick to make unwarranted accusations; this only makes me appreciate even more HOW LUCKY I AM THAT I''M NOT MARRYING SOMEONE LIKE THIS.


So far, I''ve been called unenthusiastic, selfish and self-centered, insensitive and even ''cheap.'' All based on a simple question about the acceptability of a band being given as an ER vs. a solitaire.


I mentioned in the original post that I was considering a Van Craeynest band, or as an alternative, a Van Craeynest ring with a ''smallish, very nice well-cut stone'' -- as neither of us are into large, flashy stones in general. I don''t think it''s anybody''s place to be judgmental regarding another''s budget, and I really find it hard to believe that this would be considered ''going cheap''. Maybe not extravagant, but certainly not ''cheap.'' I could reference a couple of regular posters with these exact rings (which are quite stunning by the way) -- did their fiances ''go cheap''? Obviously not.


Back on topic -- thanks again for the input. I am still going to make the ring a surprise (she''ll be in Rome on business at the end of the summer and I have arranged for that business to be ''cut short'' by a few days, and I''ll conveniently meet her there -- so it should be lovely and romantic), but I have done my due diligence and questioned her best friend and her sister about my ideas, and both said I was ''definitely on the right track'' -- ''you know her, the more unique and individual, the better.'' So I still feel confident about my direction. Still a tough choice, though, with so many beautiful and interesting options. She deserves something special and I will find it.


I''ll check back in and let you know what I ultimately choose. This place is quite the resource to learn about diamonds. Not to mention a little soap opera thrown in as well...
I echo the congratulations from Gwen. NO ONE on here said that any of these bands were cheap. You are making a real leap in insinuating otherwise. "Going cheap" (while meant to be funny more than insulting) was a reference to your stated criteria, not a reference to any Van Craynest or other eternity band. I''m pretty sure you know that already. And if in some small way those of us who have given you a somewhat hard time have caused you to appreciate the girl you actually have that much more, then I think that''s a good thing. Best wishes to you both. I hope you get her something really beautiful. Your proposal idea sounds SPECTACULAR by the way.
 

Dandi

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Date: 7/1/2008 2:14:56 AM
Author: feet_dragger
Wow. I thought I was asking a fairly simple question and seem to have opened up a can of worms - most of which has little to do with my original question.

What I have learned from the responses:

(1) There is no ''right'' or ''wrong'' approach to an ER, just a LOT of varied and strong opinions, particularly with regard to the level of the recipient''s involvement in its selection.

(2) There are some really cool, considerate, sensible women on this forum who offer helpful advice and address a poster''s actual questions.

(3) There are some obnoxious women who jump to conclusions, make assumptions, and are quick to make unwarranted accusations; this only makes me appreciate even more HOW LUCKY I AM THAT I''M NOT MARRYING SOMEONE LIKE THIS.

So far, I''ve been called unenthusiastic, selfish and self-centered, insensitive and even ''cheap.'' All based on a simple question about the acceptability of a band being given as an ER vs. a solitaire.

I mentioned in the original post that I was considering a Van Craeynest band, or as an alternative, a Van Craeynest ring with a ''smallish, very nice well-cut stone'' -- as neither of us are into large, flashy stones in general. I don''t think it''s anybody''s place to be judgmental regarding another''s budget, and I really find it hard to believe that this would be considered ''going cheap''. Maybe not extravagant, but certainly not ''cheap.'' I could reference a couple of regular posters with these exact rings (which are quite stunning by the way) -- did their fiances ''go cheap''? Obviously not.

Back on topic -- thanks again for the input. I am still going to make the ring a surprise (she''ll be in Rome on business at the end of the summer and I have arranged for that business to be ''cut short'' by a few days, and I''ll conveniently meet her there -- so it should be lovely and romantic), but I have done my due diligence and questioned her best friend and her sister about my ideas, and both said I was ''definitely on the right track'' -- ''you know her, the more unique and individual, the better.'' So I still feel confident about my direction. Still a tough choice, though, with so many beautiful and interesting options. She deserves something special and I will find it.

I''ll check back in and let you know what I ultimately choose. This place is quite the resource to learn about diamonds. Not to mention a little soap opera thrown in as well...

What a gorgeous idea!!
I love the idea as a band for an Ering, alone or with a plain wedder next to it. To me that look oozes class. I LOOOVE the look of a band like this one with a thin plain wedder worn on either side of it. Makes my heart go pitter-pat
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http://www.faycullen.com/diamond_eternity_bands/300/b415t9d.html

Can''t wait to see what you decide on!
 

Rhea

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It''s not the cheap way out at all! Not that either were expensive, but my band was only $200 less expensive than my engagement ring.

Don''t let us scare you off, please come back and show us what you decided to go with!

I quite like this one.

TLeafband.jpg
 

Dreamer_D

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25,251
Big fat vote for Van Craeynest. If she likes unique and unusual, that is totally the way to go in my book. Maybe with some colored stones and diamonds worked into the design somehow? You may also consider when making the purchase the possibility of designing the engagement band so that it will look good with a second band later on, should she choose to wear a e-band and a w-band.
 

Dee*Jay

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What about Carl Blackburn? He has a lot of really really nice bands, and well as some rings that incorporate a center stone.

blackburn1.jpg
 

Dee*Jay

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There are a lot more choices -- here''s a link to Pearlman''s website: link

blackburn2.jpg
 

MomHelpingSon

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I like eternity rings...she can start stacking them. Maybe you can get her a second one on your first anniversay. :) Very classy look.
 

ursulawrite

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I mostly wear my eternity ring on an everyday basis, and get plenty of nice comments about how chic and simple it looks. One of my friends has an e-ring that''s a half-eternity and it''s absolutely stunning.
 
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