Future mother-in-law vs. future engagement ring...advice needed

[mandyk77]

Hi all!

I have no one to talk about this issue with so I thought some of you could give some advice/comfort me. Here''s the story....

My b/f and I picked up the ring yesterday and it is absolutely gorgeous! It is everything that I wanted and more, so needless to say I am very happy. We started shopping for and researching diamonds/rings about 3 months ago and decided that I would pick the exact setting that I wanted since I would be the one wearing it every day. We found the perfect setting and then my wonderful boyfriend bought a beautiful stone, which I checked out for the first time yesterday.

Naturally he was so excited about the purchase that he showed his parents lastnight and his mom 1st said "Wow, that is nicer than mine." Then he told me today that when he told them that we actually picked it out together she said "Well, I didn''t get to pick out my ring."

Let me first say that I love his mom (she is like a 2nd mother to me) and I was worried from the beginning that she might be mad or bothered by the ring. I just wanted to get a ring that was my taste and (to be honest) comparable to the rings that my circle of friends all wear. All of my college friends and sorority sisters got rings that were in the 1.5-2 carat range even though we are fairly young (22-23). The ring that we picked out wasn''t even the largest out of my friends rings, and we initially were going to get a larger stone before I decided it might be a little too noticable for my age.

How do I handle this situation?? I don''t want to offend anyone who is dear to me with my ring, but I really adore it and want to enjoy the ring once it is on my finger. Has anyone else dealt with this situation??

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Well, I haven''t dealt with this situation BUT if I was his mom I would be proud that my son got such a beautiful ring for my future daughter-in-law. You and your fiance like it and that''s all that matters. If you''re really self concious maybe you could make a few nice comments about her ring in comparison to yours.

BTW....where are the pics?!?!

 

[md74]

It is great that you have a great relationship with your future mother in law.

Really, it is great that you are getting a ring that you love and that, obviously, your fiance is happy with and proud to give you.

His mother should really be able to stifle any of her own feelings about her ring and be happy for both of you. It is great that you have a good relationship with her and care about how she feels, but you should not let that dictate what kind of engagement ring you get.

Circumstances are all different. My mother never had an engagement ring, and my mother in law''s original set is much smaller than mine, although she has a rhr that came later. They both, luckily, were only happy for me when we got engaged.

I would just put the emphasis on how happy you are, and make sure she knows (in a subtle way) that this was a joint decision. I have thanked my father in law for instilling in my husband good taste in jewelry and a habit for spoiling their wives! Maybe you can steer it some way that if it comes up, like, "We really loved picking this out together; it is exactly what we both wanted, and I am so glad you raised such a great son who cares so much to want me to have such a lovely ring".

Just what I thought of... dunno.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I really like this idea:

"You raised such a great son who cares so much to want me to have such a lovely ring!"

If anyone else says anything, just say, "I am SO lucky to have such a wonderful fiance who wanted to give me such a beautiful ring!"

The fact that you showed him what you like has nothing to do with it. It was a gift from him, and that''s it. I helped pick out mine, too, and it was a larger stone than both our mothers had. If the in-laws thought anything (which they probably did), at least they had the decency to say nothing! In fact, they are probably thinking the same thing about my anniversary upgrade! But it is our life and our money!

Now where are the pictures of the beautiful ring?!!! We want to see!!!

 

[iheartscience]

That''s a bummer...I don''t know how I''d handle it if my mom or future mother in law reacted that way. I mean, is it just me, or do most people today get bigger e-rings than their parents did?

People get married a lot later now compared to when our parents got married, so they have more disposable income. Plus I think many of us definitely place more importance on material things when it comes to marriage ($50,000 weddings are another perfect example!) than our parents ever did.

I guess I''d say what others suggested, that you are lucky to have such a great fiance who wanted your input so he could get you exactly what you wanted.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Maybe your fiance can hint around that it's time for mom to get a new ring for her anniversary. Especially since you both could be consulted for advice as you just went through the search.

 

[motownmama]

Well, it sounds as if she loves diamonds as much as we all do! She''s clearly a little jealous that hers is not as nice - and, I think the words just slipped out. She doesn''t have to know (nor should she) that you know about the comment. Just take the high road - enjoy your ring - do not compliment hers - that just doesn;t seem typical at the time of ones engagement. I wouldn''t GUSH about your ring in front of her, but DO enjoy it (gush with your own firiends, or at home). Be confident of your own choice - things were different when she got engaged , but you''re living in the present. BTW - This comes up alot with the actual wedding - "back in the day" the mother of the bride (if paying) made alot of the decisions the bride would NOT abdicate today. I''ve heard people''s moms say "grandma didn''t let me pick such and such," but clearly today''s expectations are different. She seems like a nice person whom you like - I''d just pretend it didn''t happen. Good luck.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, it is tough.
Whatever her personal issues or feelings, that was not really nice to set that tone with her son. That was then, this is now.

If you two really have a good relationship maybe it is just a blurb and she did not really mean any harm. Maybe you can help her hubby pick out something nice for her for a future occasion!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Just enjoy your ring and try not to worry about what others will think. The ring is about you and your FI and your commitment to eachother, and that is all that matters.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/16/2008 10:27:53 PM
Author: Diamond*Dana
Just enjoy your ring and try not to worry about what others will think. The ring is about you and your FI and your commitment to eachother, and that is all that matters.

Ditto.

 

[Elmorton]

Honestly, a lot of people are younger with much bigger diamonds than their parents, and that''s sortof to be expected - the trend is toward bigger rocks these days. There was a neat thread awhile back where someone asked how big your mom or grandmother''s rings were, and nearly all of the answers were that the older generations had smaller rings. Brush it off, it''s normal.

If you have a great relationship with your FMIL, then don''t worry about it. She was probably just thinking aloud and didn''t mean anything by it. And even if she did - DH''s parents thought we were a little off kilter choosing a diamond (his mom wore a plain band when she was married to her dad, and his step mom wears what she has mentioned is an inexpensive sapphire flanked by small traps), but it was our choice and after the engagement news wore off, so did any conversation about my ring. Believe me, there will be plenty of conversations about "You want....what?? Isn''t that a bit lavish?" when wedding planning comes, haha.

 

[marcy]

Don''t let her words bother you. You both picked out a ring you love and are proud of and that is what matters. Enjoy your beauty and please post pictures so we can see it too.

 

[ahappygirl]

I agree it might be a good idea to thank her for raising such a good son in the context of when you show her the ring on your finger the first time. She did a good job. You are so thankful for her work raising such a loving, generous man. Something along those lines.

Then leave it at that. She probably would be embarassed to know you were told her initial reaction. Don''t invest any time worrying about something totally out of your control or let it detract from your excitement.

 

[swingirl]

I don''t think there is anything to "deal" with. You got the stone and you got the setting, right? You and your B/F are happy with it so what needs to be handled? For her generation it was probably more of the norm. But even here on PS there seems to be a lot of folks that think it''s the man''s job/duty to pick out the ring and surprise his lady. If it ever gets brought up again just politely say you love you ring and your fiance.

 

[mandyk77]

Thank you so much for all of your advice and kind words! I had no one to talk to about the issue so I figured fellow PS'ers would understand.

I definatly think it is true that it is more normal for girls to wear engagement rings that are 1 carat or more. Even my mom was sort of taken aback when she saw pictures of the ring that we picked and her ring is right at the carat mark....(I think my b/f's mom's ring is a carat center stone with a 1/2 carat on each side..excellent quality) I know that my b/f's mom would probably be really upset if she knew that I even had a clue that she said those passing remarks to her son and husband.

I honestly believe that she would like a nice anniversary ring (which she deserves and will hopefully get in August for their 25th anniversary). I don't know if my b/f's dad has thought of that, but hopefully since we are getting engaged this might just spark the topic for him. Maybe the things she said were just hints for an upgrade.

As far as pictures of my ring...... those will be posted as soon as I officially receive it!

(Which is hopefully soon)

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 4/16/2008 8:59:43 PM
Author: md74
His mother should really be able to stifle any of her own feelings about her ring and be happy for both of you.

But she's probably still going to have them. If you're 22-23 with a 1.5-2.0ct diamond there's going to be some resentment. I'd like to sugarcoat that for you but it's the truth.

The only opinion I can give you is act humbly, by which I mean don't talk about your ring unless you are asked about it and downplay what anyone says about it, that kind of thing.

I wouldn't talk about it being fabulous thereby representing his generosity etc, etc. People will see that it's fabulous.

Of course, I'm looking forward to seeing it.

 

[emilina22]

i was kind of i nyour situation w hen i firstgot engaged not with his mom, but his sister-in-law. he knew that he wanted to get a me a 2+ ct. asscher becasue well asscher size up smaller than most other stones and well i have chubby little fingers, and that was the choice that he made not me, i would have been ok with a 1ct center.

but when he proposed in december i was amazed by my ring and i wanted to show his family becasue we were exited and not for any reason, becasue we are very himble people and i dont like to be very showy....any who

since im only 21 this is i guess a big deal for some people for me to have a 2.15 stone on my hand and when his sister-in-law saw it she didnt even congratulate us the first thing she said to me was this...and they are her exact words "when you two go broke, you can just sell it and live off that money" and i was a bit shocked that she would say this becasue i would never sell my engagement ring becasue me and M know how to save our money and we both have fairly well paying jobs, so its not like we immature irresponsible kids.

but anyways...M has always told me that there will always be someone that has something negative to say about anything that is good so we just have too look past those comments and be thankful and happy our selves, and not let anyone take away from that.

just remember that this is the ring you two chose together, and its the first step towards your future together. if this was the setting you chose and he wanted to get it for you thats great! and you should be happy becasue you have an amazing guy who wants to see you happy and to give you the ring of your dreams!

 

[fatimzz]

First off, congrats! I also agree that there is no issue. First because, she might have said it jokingly. And frankly we all say things to our immediate family members that we wouldnt say to even close frnds kwim? Maybe she didnt mean it in a jealous way. Maybe it was something she just said...like weird things we all say sometimes. Knowing and loving her like you do, do you really think that she would be mean about your ring? And finally, dealing with inlaws you learn that if it wasnt said to you personally, it doesnt mean a thing

 

[wyomingdiamondgirl]

Wear the ring with a smile, and remember there is always someone who will have resentful feelings - just be happy and let it be their problem. Congrats.

 

[anemone]

I agree the burden is on those who are jealous/resentful/clingy to compose themselves and be complimentary rather than on the happy couple. Tread lightly, respect, ask advice of and confide in this mom to win her over. I suspect this has little to do with the size of your rock.

 

[mandyk77]

Thanks for the great replies!

Anemone: In your honest opinion, what do you think it has to do with?

 

[Miranda]

Jewelry, engagement and anniversary rings in particular, are always touchy. Trust me, I know, I live in the family of the jewelry martyrs.

I think your future MIL''s comment was perhaps just frustration or apprehension about her impending anniversary. I wouldn''t worry about it. It''s great to hear that you have such a wonderful relationship with her. Not many people do. I''d keep my focus on that. If you are happy with your ring, it is likely that she (and anyone else) will be too. I''m looking forward to seeing it!

 

[mia1181]

I had a similar thing happen to me when I was engaged!

I lived with my FMIL at the time of my engagement while my fiancee had just moved across the country (I had to finish up college). We were like best friends and I knew she loved me and was so happy for us but when we got engaged she never commented on my ring. I knew she saw it before I did, and fiancee said when she saw it she was just raving to him about how beautiful it was. I don''t think she ever "formally" looked at it on my finger, it was really weird. I know that it was definitely a jealousy thing because she is a very jealous person, always commenting on what other people have that she doesn''t. She is also very sweet too (don''t want to sound like I am dissing her) but I know deep down she focuses too much on other people. My FMIL makes comments all the time about how my fiancee is a much better partner than her husband is. That''s weird! But I always say, well that''s just because you raised him so well.

In your case, let it go and treat it the same way you would if it was a stranger. When other women feel the need to compliment me one my ring, by putting their own down I always return a compliment about their ring. I think sometimes its what they want. My diamond is princess cut so I always tell women with smaller RB''s that theirs is nice too because there are more facets in rounds, so rounds are sparklier, or I''ll tell them how rounds face up bigger.

Anyway, the other thing behind this is a total "losing her son" thing. She used to be the number one woman in his life and now you are.

 

[rainydaze]

heehee... maybe that was more for her husband''s benefit than your FI''s...... in other words, since their 25th anni is coming up maybe she was throwing out a hint!

 

[cara]

While I get your reasons for liking your ring, they include social comparison reasons (want ring in the same range as friends got, etc.) so clearly a little bit of you buys into the comparing and judging what you have against what your fellow women received as engagement rings.

Unfortunately your FMIL is making similar judgments and wasn''t able to get her big girl pants on and congratulate you properly, keeping her comparisons to herself. She is probably jealous, she may think your ring is unseemly for your age and station, and she is clearly comparing herself to you and equating diamond size to personal value.

Practically, I would brush it off and concentrate on being excited on the engagement, excited about the ring (but short on details such as size) and just ignore such comments in the glow of love. Unless there are more comments, in which case you might have to bring it up, but a soft touch is probably best.

While this woman may be dear to you, I think it is appropriate to honestly look at her reaction here and your anticipation of it - you were worried about her reaction and rightly so! True friends support one another even when jealous. They rise above their own situation to congratulate one another when the situation warrants. Your FMIL, whatever her strengths as a person, has some limitations as well. She was unable to keep her jealousy/bitterness/unkind thoughts to herself and congratulate you heartily at the appropriate time. And you thought this might be the case. Just food for thought going forward.