Newbie with a different type of story.

[KCCutie]

I''ve been reading different posts here all day! I have to say this is already one of my favorite finds.

I have noticed though that my story is a little different from most. Seems like a good portion of the ladies here have already shopped for a ring with their guy and are just waiting for the formal question. I on the other hand can''t even say for sure if my SO has seriously considered buying the ring. LOL

Here''s the deal... We have been together for a year and 9 months and I just know he''s the one. I mean I''ve dated guys before and thought they were the one but when I met E I realized how stupid I had been. I always wanted to be married before I turned 30 and I turned 30 last May so there went that. We have so much in common from hobbies, movies and music to our thoughts on family and values and even politics. I''ve never been more happy in a relationship than I am now.

Here''s where it gets tricky....I don''t want to be too pushy with my last ex he went wanted me to ring shop after 6 months and then went cold and when I pushed a little he bolted and is marrying someone else in April. My SO also was very close before he even bought the ring and asked her to marry him and she said yes and called the whole thing off the next day. Needless to say he was crushed and the thought of doing that again is absolutely terrifying to him. He has told me that he really only wanted to propose to a woman once in his life and she ruined that for him. So maybe you can see why I really have tried not to push.

Well his younger sister got engaged (to a guy she met about the same time E and I met) in the late summer/fall and they are getting married in October this year. Ever since their engagement both of families have been pushing us. In fact the night we heard of her engagement several of our friends said they expected us to be next...LOL no pressure right? His mom even gave him a GC for a really ritzy restaurant for his b-day (in Dec) and told him he should take me out for a "romantic dinner" we both know she had ulterior motives.

Anyhow lately it seems like something is up. Can''t put my finger on it exactly maybe it''s just a feeling. It just seems like there are a lot of secrets and coincidences and best of all he just seems so happy. He does know that I would rather he pick the ring out himself b/c it will mean more to me that way so no ring shopping to tip me off, but I think that makes it even harder. We don''t usually talk much about money but he has mentioned he''s getting a big bonus from work so I know if he wanted to do it now would be a perfect time. Reading here about some ladies who waited 7 and 8 years for their proposal I just can''t imagine waiting that long. Really what is the average time people date now before they get engaged?

So I know that was long but that''s it in a nutshell. Any words of wisdom? Any signs I should look for?

 

[vslover]

Date: 2/22/2008 4:20:37 PM
Author:KCCutie
Really what is the average time people date now before they get engaged?


So I know that was long but that''s it in a nutshell. Any words of wisdom? Any signs I should look for?

DH asked me to marry him after we''d been dating less than 7 months. We started talking about marriage very early on and were married 1 year after we started dating. So it wasn''t a big surprise for me when he asked...I knew it was coming. Maybe broach the idea and see what he says??

 

[Codependent Gal]

I feel ya. My boyfriend has no ring and while he says that he has looked I don''t know if I believe him. Either way I don''t anticipate that he is going to propose any time soon. What part of KC are you in? I''m in Overland Park.

 

[sunnyd]

I think a lot of the ladies here who have been waiting 7-8 years also starting dating their SOs at 18-20 or younger. I''ve been dating mine for 1 year, and we''re hopefully gonna be buying the diamond this summer, the setting this fall. We''re 24 and 25. Time together though is all relative, to me at least.

Have you guys talked about marriage recently?

 

[bee*]

Well I dated my FI for eight years before we got engaged as we met when we were 17. If I was 30, I wouldn''t have been happy to date for as long as we did. I don''t think that there''s a certain amount of time that''s right before you get engaged-it should be more about that you''re compatible, have talked about the future, money, kids, careers etc.

 

[Codependent Gal]

This might be a stupid question, but I am not familiar with some of the lingo on this board. For instance, what does DH mean? Wait, does it mean desginated husband? Also, I see ETA quite frequently on here, but I don't think that it is intended to mean what I think it means which is "estimated time of arrival".

 

[vslover]

DH = dear husband
ETA = "edited to add"

 

[sunnyd]

DH = darling husband, though designated is pretty funny.
ETA = edited to add.

There''s a thread with acronyms somewhere.

 

[meresal]

Welcome. You''re going to really enjoy it here!!

 

[KCCutie]

Hi Codependent I''m in the OP/Olathe area too. That makes us neighbors. E hasn''t even mentioned looking at rings. The most mention of rings we have had lately was when I helped him clean up his credit and there were collections from the last e-ring he bought. Apparently she kept it and he couldn''t bring himself to finish paying for it. Can''t say I blame him, but what a mess.

Sunnyd - Good point! I forget 7-8 years wouldn''t seem so bad if I had met E when I was 16. With all the wedding talk involving his sister we haven''t talked about it too much lately. Except to laugh about ho nutty our mothers are about us getting married.

We have discussed that we would love to do a destination wedding and a couple times he has been curious about how much that stuff actually costs. We have talked about how many kids we want to have, and that neither of us want to live together before we are at least engaged. He talked to me about when he proposed to his ex and how scared he is to do that again, but that was a while ago. When his sister got engaged and everyone said we would be next it didn''t seem to bother him. I mean earlier in the relationship he would have shot those down fast with a "hey slow down there I''m not getting married any time soon" type comment but I haven''t heard one of those in a while. After his sister got engaged he joked that he had won b/c he officially made it longer than anyone in his immediate family as a single person. I know he has fears about getting married and settling down just like any guy does but I feel like he''s letting go of those as time goes on too.

I told my best friend about all the weird secrets/coincidences that have been popping up and she seems to think he''s getting ready to do something too....I hope we''re right.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think he''s up to something too. Guys think they''re being so discrete when they''re always giving off little signals that they don''t even think about. Has he had any changes in his spending habits? That''s usually a sign of things to come.

And just as a side note: Why would she keep the ring?!

 

[Independent Gal]

I think it varies a lot. Younger people sometimes seem to date longer, but I'm not sure about that. With us, he first bought me dinner at the beginning of November 2006. He proposed... gosh, when was it? July? I think it was July. Which, yeah, is fast, but we 'just knew', and we're in our thirties with lots of experience behind us, so it worked for us. When we marry, we'll have been together about a year and a half. Speedy!

Could you tell us what little secrets, etc. make you think he's proposing soon?

You know, this sounds like it COULD case for you proposing to him. I think that could be unbearably romantic if you did it right, and would take care of his 'I only wanted to propose to a woman once in my life' issues. What do you think? You could always feel it out with him first.

But then, I'm not one of those people who sees suprise as meaningful, especially when it comes to something like marriage, where so much needs NOT to be a surprise. You say you don't talk about money. Well, you'd better start! Do you know if he has debt? Do you know if he has savings? Does he know these things about you? Have you talked about all the other things you need to know about each other before you agree to get married? Like where you'll live, whether and how many kids you'll have, how you will manage your money, etc?

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks FrekeChild. Yes he has changed his spending habits. He has said he is trying curb his spending for about 3 months now. I have no idea why she kept the ring, apparently it ended very abruptly. He said he took the dog and left and never went back.

Independent Gal - What secrets well...He and my little sister get along really well and they have been up to something we had lunch with some family from out of town a few weeks ago and she told E she needed to talk to him while I wasn''t around and when I gave her a look she said it was about something for me and just to go with it b/c I''d like it (lucky for me she knows what kind of ring I want). We haven''t had our Valentine''s day dinner yet we were just to busy to do it then he said we could do it last Sunday and quickly said...oh no we can''t do it then mom and dad will be out of town...umm hello why can''t we have dinner if they are out of town we''ve done it before. Then when we saw his parents last night his mom was very eager to hear if we''d had that dinner or not...Also we''re doing a play together right now and when my family bought tickets the director asked them if it was secret, if I knew they were coming as if someone else has bought tickets and said it was a secret and she seems to know something else too.

Me proposing to him may not be a bad idea but really I can''t see myself doing that, it''s just not me....something to think about though.

I guess I shouldn''t have said we don''t talk about money....I mean we do but it''s not like we have shared accounts or anything. I mean I know how much he makes he knows how much I make, he showed me the deposit receipt for his big bonus on Friday. We even talked then about the fact that with his saving habits lately he probably has a nice nest egg in his savings but he says he hasn''t checked the balance in quite a while. I know all about his credit actually I helped him fix it up and he knows all about mine. We''ve talked about where we would like to live and if he had to move for work if I would go with him. We''ve talked about kids and know we both want two (then we''ll see). So I think we''re on the same page there.

 

[DeBaillou]

Hi KC! Just a few thoughts of my own; being a guy who has been through a difficult and painful breakup (first marriage did not go well- we were kids who rushed in to it), I can understand his fears of proposing again. However, from your details of conversations, and his prior willingness to get married, etc., it sounds like this guy truly wants commitment in his life. I am the same way, even though I was initially jaded from my experiences. Deep down, I knew that I still wanted to meet someone wonderful, establish a close, committed relationship, get married if things worked out, have kids, etc. In my case, even though my heart was ripped out and my life thrown into personal chaos because of divorce, my true feelings and goals in life did not change- what did change is how I approached the situation. I am now more experienced, thoughtful, introspective, and willing to scrutinize my current self and my relationship in hopes of making better decisions this time around. I was fortunate enough to meet an incredible woman who saw past the stigma that often goes along with divorcees, and we have become inseparable.

You are right not to push the issue of marriage; smart move! All signs that you have clued us in on indicate that this guy loves you and is not afraid to commit. My advice would be to continue as you are, take it easy, and enjoy each other. It does sound like he is up to something, and it''s probably something good. We all get our hearts set on something from time to time, but I would warn you not to focus only on a possible impending engagement. In my case, I am sure that I want to propose, and would lay all I have on her accepting, but timing issues/busy schedules/upcoming events may mean that it does''nt happen for another 4, 5, or 6 months. If he wants to marry you, and you want to marry him, it is going to happen. And never, ever, let family or friends goad or push you into making these decisions. Remember, everyone and everything else aside, it is you two alone that make up the core of this relationship.

My 2 biggest mistakes from my former marriage: getting married without fully thinking it through or understanding what it meant, and not communicating well on all issues (even the embarassing/troubling ones). You and I are about the same age, so I can appreciate your comment on being 30- don''t let that worry you. The world is such a funny, seemingly random place sometimes, you can''t predict who/what/when/where love will find you. It found me in a way that I would never have predicted, and I am a happy, happy man.

Hope this helps! Good luck to you guys!

 

[This_Is_Amore]

Welcome, KC! I live just off the Plaza- it''s great to see that there are two of you on here from my neck of the woods!

I don''t have much to add- you''ve got some good advice from the posters above. I would caution you against getting your hopes up, because that seems to only lead to heartache. Be open and honest with your BF about what you''re wanting out of the relationship (without pressuring!), and let things progress as they will. I hope you''re right, and your time on THIS board is short... though your stay with PS be long!

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks DeBaillou!

Having some insight from a man that has had somewhat similar experience is so great! I know in my heart that you are right that he really does want to get married and have a family it''s just a question of when.

I totally agree I do love him with all my heart and he loves me and if he''s decided he wants to ask me to marry him then it will happen. I have gone a year and a half without pushing and really I am ready and willing to continue this way...at least for the foreseeable future. Of course if everything that has happened recently leads to nothing or something totally different I''ll still be happy just being with him.

With everything that''s going on right now I was even surprised that I even thought something was up. After his sister got engaged I thought he would wait till after her wedding to make that kind of move, and I guess I could still be right. It is exciting to think something may be happening, but I am definitely taking everyone''s advice and not getting my hopes too high.....whatever he''s up to I''m sure it''ll be good and I''ll love him even more for it whether it really is an e-ring or something else all together.

 

[hairgirl95]

Hey KCCutie just wanted to give you and co-dependent and Amore a hello from another KC girl! I am on State Line in Leawood. Not the pretentious part though!! Just wanted to say hi to all of you other local girls. Are you all going to use the PS vendors for ring shopping or go with a local jeweler when the ring time comes around? Just curious--I went with a local jeweler, and got very mixed results. Sorry to threadjack here--just sayin'' hi!

 

[KCCutie]

Hey there!

No need to apologize, always happy to hear from my KC peeps.

If things are going the way I hope they are I won''t have any input on where my e-ring comes from. Although he did joke over a year ago that he was going to get my ring off e-bay. LOL.
Since his sister is recently engaged my guess is he''ll be asker her or her F for some help if he gets stuck and I bet he got her ring on-line. But who knows.

 

[KCCutie]

I just had to tell someone this and of course this is the safest and most fun place to share my craziness so.....

For the past couple days I though maybe I was had been loosing it thinking he was up to something...all the little clues stopped coming and I though well maybe he''s gone "shark" on me. Well last night we were talking about the new car I''m going to be getting as soon as I sell my old car (and I think I have a buyer lined up YAY). He said he was jealous of all the new stuff I had been getting. I said he got new stuff what about his new TV...I was like what exciting stuff have I gotten other than the car, and he brought up some new shoes and clothes I bought on clearance a few weeks ago. Then I told him I had something new for him but it was his Valentine''s gift so he couldn''t have it till we had our V-Day date. That''s when he said this was going to be the latest V-Day ever, and the best ever.

Sounds like a clue to me but...I''m a little crazy.

Oh and he was talking about buying a new car too and was showing me numbers like he would put down 1K and I said you have more than that for the down payment you just got a big bonus....he said he just wanted to have a cushion. He talked to his parents about my new car...well actually a new Rouge so SUV and they suggested if I was getting an SUV he didn''t need a truck he should get a car so we had both....we don''t even live together.

I feel better now! Thanks gals!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think those sound like promising clues! The main thing I was thinking as I read through this is to be sure he knows your answer would be YES!! His fear of proposing has to do with dear of rejection, so he needs to know that is not a concern. Hopefully he does.

And that other girl was very bad to keep that ring. Sounds like he was lucky not to get stuck with her.

 

[KCCutie]

Yes ds2006 I think you''re absolutely right! He''s really afraid that he''ll be rejected although I think he knows in his heart that I would say yes he just needs a little more reassurance. So I do try whenever he brings up our future to be "all in." Recently he talked about taking a job in FL and I asked what I would do if he moved and he said whatever I wanted to do.....hmmm so a few moments later I said I couldn''t let him move to FL without me, I can get a job anywhere, his is more specialized.

I know everyone says he''s much better off with me, she sounds like just a horrible person but I probably only got one side of the story. But I''ve had my share of jerks my ex had been talking about getting married and wanted to go ring shopping then actually went out with another girl he met on the internet on Valentine''s Day (I found out a week later and we broke up). So I think we''re both lucky to have each other.

 

[Pandora II]

I met FI in August 2004 and we got engaged Xmas Eve 2006. We''d been living together since Xmas 2004 - I''m 35 and he''s 33.

We both knew within a few months that this relationship was for keeps, but he had been badly burnt by his parents divorce and took sometime to get over his dislike and fears of marriage - otherwise we''d probably have got engaged around the 18 month mark.