Please take me off the BIW list- wedding called off...

[Kerbear560]

Hi everyone. Some of you may remember me...I used to post in BWW pretty frequently, but I''ve been MIA since the beginning of April, when, unfortunately, my wedding was called off. Initially I spent some time away from PS, but eventually started lurking. I like to catch up on how everyone''s plans are coming along, and see at all of the pictures from your weddings- especially those of you who were planning when I was (it''s nice to see how everything turned out). Not to mention, I still have a fascination with all things shiny, which is satisfied by the never ending supply of new eye-candy in SMTR! I haven''t posted until now, honestly, because it''s still so painful. But, with what would have been my wedding day rapidly approaching (September 1st), I figured I''d better mention it before the "congratulations" post popped up with my name on it.

 

[surfgirl]

Hey kerbear...I didn''t know you before, but I''m sorry to hear about your wedding. You know what though? You sound good. And you probably dont need me to tell you this but, you WILL find your perfect partner and when you do, think of all the planning experience you already have! It''ll be a cakewalk for you! Welcome back!

 

[whatmeworry]

Sorry to hear that Kerbear. I hope things get better for you. Welcome back.

 

[monarch64]

Sorry to hear your news kerbear...but PS is still a great place to visit anyway, don''t be a stranger! I''m sure you''ll find a beautiful relationship someday and I hope you come back to BIW/LIW and share with us again. Meantime, don''t be afraid to share your knowledge with everyone re. wedding planning, jewelry, etc! Take care!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Yes Kerbear, you are remembered. I am glad you came back to be with friends. There may not be any words that will help...but the support and care we have for you should. Anyhour...one of the members is here to listen. We do care about you! And are sad that you are hurting.

You just keep flipping pages...as the next chapter is always better than the one before.

DKS

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that Kerbear.

 

[robbie3982]

So sorry to hear about your wedding being called off

. We''re all here for you if you need to talk.

 

[akw94]

Kerbear, I am so sorry! I can understand some of your pain as I''m going through the same thing. It has been and is a horrible experience. A site I''ve found helpful is : www.theregoesthebride.com .
I don''t post much on here these days either but understand the wanting to be around. You really do develop a network of friendships on PS.
I can''t offer much advice since I''m still figuring out how to manage day to day but what I have learned is that I do have family and friends that are there for me when and if I ever need them. They have been amazing.
I hope you''re doing ok. Talk anytime you need to.

 

[aljdewey]

So sorry for the disappointement you''re feeling, Kerbear. Even knowing that it likely will end up being the best thing down the line doesn''t make it any easier to handle the disappointment now.

Hope knowing that so many of us here care will help you (and Dixie).

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry to hear this. You sound like a very strong woman, I''m sure you will get through this happy and proud.

 

[zhuzhu]

Sorry to hear about your heart-break. What is strange is that I was "supposed" to get married ALSO on Sept. 1st this year. Luckily (in my case anyway) I realized what kind of man my ex is and how incompatible we are as a couple, and broke it off in December last year. I have since met a wonderful man and am happier than ever with him in my life. Please believe that there is a brighter side to all things, keep your chin up and believe in wonderful things coming your way.....

 

[Mandarine]

I''m so sorry

(((

I understand you didn''t feel like coming back before, PS is still a great group to hang around though...so I hope you keep coming back

Hang in there,

M~

 

[Kerbear560]

surfgirl, whatmeworry, monarch, door knob solitaire, bee*, robbie, aljdewey, anchor, and Mandarine: Thank you so much for your kind words of support. You have no idea how much they mean to me.

zhuzhu- Hi former date twin. I''m glad that you realized your ex-FI wasn''t the kind of man you wanted to marry, and that you''ve found someone that makes you happy!

dixie: I''m so sorry that you''re going through this too.

For me, this has been the most difficult experience of my life. I mean, you''re with the person you love, and you think you''re going to spend the rest of your lives together, and then just like that, all of your hopes and dreams for the future are potentially gone (I didn''t mention it in my initial post, but my ex-FI and I are trying to work through our issues). I caught myself up on your story, and I really hope that everything works out for you. I think that it''s definitely a step in the right direction that he agreed to go to counseling, and I hope that both of you come out of it with a relationship that is better and stronger than before. I can totally relate to what you said in another thread about thinking you were going to feel better once you decided on counseling, but you are still sad. I''m sure that a big part of you is relieved that he hasn''t given up on your relationship, but the uncertainty of it all is totally unnerving. As far as my ex-FI and I, I truly think that we have the potential to come out of this better and stronger than we ever were, but I''m still extremely sad that there is even the possibility that things might not work out the way I hope they do. Thank you for the link, I''ll check out that website.

 

[TravelingGal]

I remember you KerBear and am so sorry for your pain. I hope things work out the way you want them too, but I would certainly implore you to watch out for number 1 at this point...which is YOU. Hugs!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I'm so sorry for your pain Kerbear! I hope you are able to get through this situation stronger than ever. Keep your chin up...every dark cloud truly does have a silver lining.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi kerbear...I'm sorry things haven't been going so well for you. You sound like a gal who has her head on straight and will make the best choices possible.

It's nice to have you back (I remember you from my "lurker" days!) and hope you will post more often.

Take care of yourself and welcome back!

 

[Kerbear560]

TravelingGal, IrishAngel, and Harleigh: Thank you all so much for your support. It really helps to come here and read your posts.

I just keep telling myself that if we are truly meant to be together, everything will work out. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if we don''t know what that reason is (at least not at first). Since I called things off I have done a lot of soul searching, and I realized that I also had a part (ok, a major part) in the state our relationship ended up in. I have owned my mistakes in our relationship, which I will do my best not to repeat- I just hope it''s not too little too late. I wish it hadn''t taken us breaking up for me to open my eyes. I have really been beating myself up about it, which I know doesn''t do any good. I hope that the reason this happened is that we are able to work through our issues and end up with a relationship that is better than it ever was, but if things don''t work out (heaven forbid), at the very least, I can truly say that I learned a lot about myself...

 

[akw94]

dixie: I''m so sorry that you''re going through this too.

For me, this has been the most difficult experience of my life. I mean, you''re with the person you love, and you think you''re going to spend the rest of your lives together, and then just like that, all of your hopes and dreams for the future are potentially gone (I didn''t mention it in my initial post, but my ex-FI and I are trying to work through our issues). I caught myself up on your story, and I really hope that everything works out for you. I think that it''s definitely a step in the right direction that he agreed to go to counseling, and I hope that both of you come out of it with a relationship that is better and stronger than before. I can totally relate to what you said in another thread about thinking you were going to feel better once you decided on counseling, but you are still sad. I''m sure that a big part of you is relieved that he hasn''t given up on your relationship, but the uncertainty of it all is totally unnerving. As far as my ex-FI and I, I truly think that we have the potential to come out of this better and stronger than we ever were, but I''m still extremely sad that there is even the possibility that things might not work out the way I hope they do. Thank you for the link, I''ll check out that website.

Kerbear, this has been/is the most difficult experience of my life too. I am so sorry you are going through this too. If you feel like sharing, you mentioned that you are trying to work through your issues. Are you seeking counseling or doing it on your own? I just began a thread in the Family forum about our 1st session which was extremely difficult. Part of me wonders if I''m just dragging things on by doing the counseling vs a clean break and trying to move on but I can''t just let go if there''s still some hope. Unless I''m just creating that hope and it''s not real at all. I wish I knew.
I wish you luck on working things out. Feel free to come over to the counseling thread I started and maybe others advice can help you too.
Do you have any plans for this weekend?

 

[Kerbear560]

Date: 8/28/2007 4:09:06 PM
Author: dixie94

dixie: I''m so sorry that you''re going through this too.

For me, this has been the most difficult experience of my life. I mean, you''re with the person you love, and you think you''re going to spend the rest of your lives together, and then just like that, all of your hopes and dreams for the future are potentially gone (I didn''t mention it in my initial post, but my ex-FI and I are trying to work through our issues). I caught myself up on your story, and I really hope that everything works out for you. I think that it''s definitely a step in the right direction that he agreed to go to counseling, and I hope that both of you come out of it with a relationship that is better and stronger than before. I can totally relate to what you said in another thread about thinking you were going to feel better once you decided on counseling, but you are still sad. I''m sure that a big part of you is relieved that he hasn''t given up on your relationship, but the uncertainty of it all is totally unnerving. As far as my ex-FI and I, I truly think that we have the potential to come out of this better and stronger than we ever were, but I''m still extremely sad that there is even the possibility that things might not work out the way I hope they do. Thank you for the link, I''ll check out that website.

Kerbear, this has been/is the most difficult experience of my life too. I am so sorry you are going through this too. If you feel like sharing, you mentioned that you are trying to work through your issues. Are you seeking counseling or doing it on your own? I just began a thread in the Family forum about our 1st session which was extremely difficult. Part of me wonders if I''m just dragging things on by doing the counseling vs a clean break and trying to move on but I can''t just let go if there''s still some hope. Unless I''m just creating that hope and it''s not real at all. I wish I knew.

I wish you luck on working things out. Feel free to come over to the counseling thread I started and maybe others advice can help you too.

Do you have any plans for this weekend?

Hi dixie. I''m sorry to hear that your first counseling session was difficult. As far as part of you wondering if you''re dragging things out by doing counseling vs. a clean break- I think that since you still have hope, your best option is to stick with the counseling and see how everything unfolds. Hopefully counseling gets you guys back on track, but if for some reason it doesn''t, at least you''ll know in your heart that you did everything you could to make it work, and maybe you''ll get answers to some of your questions as to why he is feeling the way he is and why he did what he did (I know I''d want answers after being blindsided like that). I think you will know in your heart when/if it is truly time to let go and move on (that is what I tell myself anyway).

To answer your question, my ex-FI and I are attempting to work through our issues on our own. A major issue that developed towards the end of our relationship was a breakdown in communication on both of our parts. Since we have been trying to work things out, I really feel like we are doing a good job of communicating our issues and resolving them in a way that makes us both happy. So far, things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Unfortunately, as of right now, I don''t have any plans for this weekend.

I know that it''s going to be extremely difficult. This past Saturday, I started thinking, "At this time next week we would''ve been getting married...Now we''d be at the reception". And on Sunday, I started thinking, "Right now we''d be on our honeymoon". I know I shouldn''t be thinking like that, but it''s just so hard. As silly as it is, I keep checking the weather forecast hoping that it''s going to rain (we were supposed to have an outdoor ceremony)- like somehow it would make me feel better or something. It''s looking like it''s going to be a gorgeous day- 78 degrees and sunny...

 

[KimberlyH]

Kerbear,

Please call friends/family up immediately and make some plans for this weekend...do not spend it alone. Go out of town, go out to a nice dinner, have a slumber party, go to the movies, whatever floats your boat, just do something.

Take care!!

~K

 

[akw94]

Kerbear, just wondering how you''re doing today. I know what you mean about wanting it to be rainy. I''d be fine w/it pouring down all next weekend.
I hope you''re ok and have found something to do, even if it''s treating yourself to a pedicure or something.
I can imagine it will be a hard weekend. I''m sorry and around if you need to chat!

 

[ulualoha]

I am so sorry Kearbear....you are among many wonderful friends here on PS. We are here for you....

 

[akw94]

Hi,
Just wondering how you''re doing. Everything ok?

 

[Kerbear560]

dixie: Thank you so much for thinking of me, both on what would have been our wedding day, and for checking up on me today.

KimberlyH and ulualoha: Thank you both for thinking of me as well!

Well, what would have been our wedding day has come and gone. My ex-FI and I had planned on spending some time together, but he ended up getting VERY sick with a high fever earlier that week and was sick all through the weekend into part of last week (If we had gotten married as planned, it would''ve been horrible for him to be so sick through the wedding and honeymoon). I never did make any plans. I woke up that morning, and the first thing I did was look out the window (in hopes the weather forecast was wrong). Of course, it wasn''t. The weather couldn''t have been more perfect- beautiful blue sky, 78 degrees, and no wind. I ended up spending that day extremely sad, thinking about what we would''ve been doing at any given moment. The hardest part of the day was 6:30pm- when our ceremony was scheduled to take place. I just kept thinking- we''d be saying our vows now...we''d be husband and wife. The next day I thought, right now we''d be on a plane to Hawaii. Then, all week I thought about the honeymoon we would''ve been on and how much fun we''d be having. We would''ve been back yesterday to start our new life together. It''s not the wedding that I''m most sad about. It''s not being able to start our new life together as husband and wife...at least not yet. My ex-FI are still talking, and still making progress working through our issues. Hopefully one day we will get to start that life together.

Thank you again to everyone that has been thinking about me and offering words of support- it means so much. You ladies are amazing.

 

[akw94]

Kerbear, I''m so sorry! It sounds like a very hard day for you and a hard week. I can''t say I understand what is/has happened to either of us but I suppose there must be some sort of reason.
Yeah, my day wasn''t rainy either.
I can understand that it''s really not about the wedding that made you sad. I felt the same way. Sure, I wanted the wedding but that was b/c I was getting *married*. I didn''t just want a wedding.
Yesterday, we would''ve left on our honeymoon, but I just try not to think about it. It''s hard, no matter what. Whether it was a decent day or a hard day, the day is tough. The realization that it''s not happening is tough. Still tough, even though it''s over. But I don''t know about you, I am relieved the day is over. So much pressure until then, at least now I can re-focus on the present day.
I''m happy for you that you are still talking and making progress. Our counselor said to us that the biggest thing we have right now is that we''re both still in this, still fighting and we should realize just how much that means b/c most people never would''ve decided to stay and try, most would''ve just separated and went their separate ways. I don''t know if that helps you at all but I found it pretty meaningful. I know that for me, even if we don''t make it (which I''m not at all prepared for right now), I won''t regret trying. This is too important. Doesn''t mean I''ll stay trying forever, but at least for now.
I hope that things work out for you. Please come on here and talk if you need to... anytime, whether it''s a good day or a bad day.

 

[Mannequin]

Kerbear and Dixie: I am sorry to hear that you two are having a tough time right now. I am in the same boat as you ladies with a broken engagement. I tried as long and as hard as I possibly could with my exFI, but you can''t help someone who won''t help himself. I canceled all my plans and found out my surprise honeymoon was supposed to have been a trip to Hawaii. It was an extremely tough call and I felt awful about it for a long time, but in the end I now realize that I did the best possible thing for myself because I had to do what was best for me and my own well-being. When I called off my wedding in January, I was worried about what reaction I would have when the actual date rolled around. By 7/28/07, I had already found a great new guy and had done so many things to begin a new life for myself that the date no longer had any lingering significance. A friend of mine actually got engaged that day! People called to see how I was doing, but I was fine - I felt so calm and so at ease with myself and I found satisfaction in the outcome of my decision to split up. I guess what I am saying is that things DO get better and you''ll even amaze yourself with newfound inner strength and peace as time goes on. So hang tough, stay strong, and look out for your best interests right now. You will surprise even yourself in the end.

 

[akw94]

Equestrienne, although this isn''t my thread, I just wanted to say thanks for writing! I remember when you were on here before and decided not to get married. Actually, when this all happened to me, I re-read that thread just trying to get some understanding of what I was going through. I''m glad you did what was best for you and that things are working out. I don''t know what will happen w/my ex-fi. Some days I wonder if this is something he really wants. And then I am sure that I don''t want it if he really doesn''t. I won''t be w/someone who doesn''t truly want us. But sorting that out isn''t the easiest of things. I also tend to be impatient so it''s so hard to give it time and not react when I''m upset about something, not jump to conclusions just based on a few sentences.
Thank you for your words. It''s good to remember and hear that things do get better, whatever the outcome. I have already seen that since the time that he canceled but some days, it''s harder to remember than others.
Good luck to you w/the new guy!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I just want to applaud all of you ladies for your strength. Calling off a wedding, even when you know it is the right thing to do, is not easy at all. I didn''t realize how common broken engagements were until several of my friends (and myself) went through them. I have four family members and friends who have all gone through a broken engagement and in every single case, it was the right thing to do. Of the five of us, three went on to marry the ex-FI and two broke it off for good and went on to find a better parner who was a more appropriate fit.

The bottom line is that a broken engagement allows you to either a.) free yourself from a relationship that isn''t filling your needs or b.) give your relationship the TIME it takes to fix serious issues without the overwhelming pressure of a wedding date. In many ways, getting engaged puts any relationship under a microscope and it forces you to really look at and fix any problematic underlying issues. The worst thing you can do is ignore those issues.

 

[jfus]

Date: 9/12/2007 5:27:40 PM
Author: Kerbear560
dixie: Thank you so much for thinking of me, both on what would have been our wedding day, and for checking up on me today.


we''d be saying our vows now...we''d be husband and wife. The next day I thought, right now we''d be on a plane to Hawaii. Then, all week I thought about the honeymoon we would''ve been on and how much fun we''d be having. We would''ve been back yesterday to start our new life together. It''s not the wedding that I''m most sad about. It''s not being able to start our new life together as husband and wife...at least not yet. My ex-FI are still talking, and still making progress working through our issues. Hopefully one day we will get to start that life together.


Thank you again to everyone that has been thinking about me and offering words of support- it means so much. You ladies are amazing.

Kerbear I was actually supposed to get married on September 2nd but called off my wedding in December..Although I was with this man for over 3 years of my life and I thought he was the one..there were many things pointing to the fact that I wasn''t seeing the whole truth.. Was I upset.. ABSOLUTLY... it was the most difficult and BEST decision I have ever made in my life. I also decided that if I was having second thoughts in December then most likley he was not the one for me.

I know you are trying to work things out, BUT maybe you need to step back and think about KERBEAR..and what you really want..and what is truly going to make you happy.. That''s what I did... I picked myself up and got on with things.. it was hard I won''t lie. I didn''t sleep for weeks... things got really ugly too.. but about a month after I broke things off I decided to sign up for online dating..3 dates later.. I met my now BF!!!

(who grew up a town over from me and we had mutual friends but never met!!!)I realized that he was the real deal for me.. that what I thought was Love before?? was not even close to what I feel now.
So September 2nd came... and it wasn''t the best of days for me.. I don''t miss my ex or anything like that.. I was just angry at myself for letting things go on as long as they did.. We were engaged for about 7 months before I took a stand about my feelings..

Anyway.. that day is in the past now... and since things were going as good as they have been and BF and I have been looking at rings... I put a deposit down on a new home that weekend!!! It will be mine for now but once we get engaged it will be OURS...So that weekend isn''t tainted forever for me.. there is defintely some good that has come out it.

I hope you are hanging in there.. My advice to you is to be true to yourself.. do something for Kerbear.. If it''s not THIS guy it will be someone else.. Life is precious and you truly deserve to be happy!

Best of luck to you!