Crazy Aunt update

[Independent Gal]

I posted recently about how my aunt was being horrible.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-crazy-aunt.67115/

We had another awkward brunch with my grandmother, and I realized that I had to just say something about what had happened the weekend before because I was getting passive aggresive wtih her. Not very mature of me!

So I wrote her a long e-mail that basically said in the softest most loving way possible "It really hurts my feelings and embarasses me when you yell at me in public and it damages our relationship. I''m sorry I was being passive-aggresive at breakfast. Can we both try to talk as adults when we are upset with each other?"

She wrote back to me including my message, and cc''ed to my dad''s WORK address (as in, to his secretary!) saying ''I''m never speaking to you again and I''m not coming to your wedding and you are EVIL EVIL EVIL!''

Uhm. OK. Well, that solves the wedding problem I guess. I''d frankly be thrilled if she didn''t come to my wedding! But I don''t even want to begin to think about what my poor Grammy is going through though as I''m sure my aunt''s been on the phone with her all morning telling her how I''m such a horrible person.

Well, deep breath. Nothing that''s in my control, right? It''s not like I can fix this or make her feel better. So I suppose I just won''t respond.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Are you serious? Is this a grown woman or an eight year old? I'm sure your email was tactful and sensitive to her ahem "sensitive" nature. I think she isn't used to people calling her out (politely or otherwise) on her bad behavior. Cc'ing your father-at work no less- was certainly not the proper way for her to respond to you. I'm sure your father knows about her moods and won't take the email for anything more than it was. An overreaction to a perfectly mature, an appropriate email. It's unfortunate that his secretary had to see the email though. Even if she knows about your aunt's issues, it's not nice to have your dirty family laundry aired to outsiders.

I know you're probably tempted to remove her from the guest list, but I bet she's going to still expect an invite. So send her one and if she shows, great. Assign someone (other than your gram) with authority to watch over her and then ignore her. It's your day. Don't let her ruin it because she want's to be the center of attention.

Your gram loves you no matter what. While I'm sure it's upsetting, your gram has known your aunt since birth and I'm sure she's well aware of her unpredictable nature.

I'm really sorry you have to continue to deal with this difficult and unfortunate situation.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks HH. I''m glad my dad has warned his secretary about the unpredictable and kooky sister. SHe''s been working for my dad for 15 years and that helps too, but still, it is just so ridiculously inappropriate and embarassing for my dad.

I will definitely still send her an invitation. What''s more, I bet you a zillion dollars she comes. Even if I DON''T send an invitation! You couldn''t pay her enough to miss the opportunity to make drama. It was just a nice fantasy for a minute that I wouldn''t have to deal with her anymore.

Isn''t that horrible of me?

My dad should be getting back from his trip soon, and I think I''ll just leave it to him to exercise whatever diplomatic efforts are necessary to keep things from getting even more out of hand.

ARGH! I would have liked to spend some pleasant time wtih my grammy before I go back to the US. I think what makes me most furious is that Aunt F continually interferes with that relationship. The rest I could almost ignore, but my grammy is so special to me, and it kills me that F is calling her mommy and saying ''INdy is so MEAN to me. She''s so horrible! She really mistreats me!'' While Grammy does know her daughter is, uh, special, she''s still her daughter. So it''s hard for her to just totally put it aside. Besides, I WAS being passive aggresive. But Grammy is 87 and has cancer, so I never know if I''ll see her again when I leave. I don''t mean to be overly dramatic. Just that it would be horrible if the last time I spent with her was poisoned by F''s drama.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Is F your gram''s caretaker? It seems like she''s always present when you''re visiting (or trying to at least) with your gram. If she takes care of your gram, well, that''s a scary thought.

 

[JenStone]

Oh my...I just read the original post and...all I can say is, wow. I''d be tempted to remove her from the guestlist, but it''s family. I''d do what Hudson Hawk suggested - send her and invite and if she comes, assign someone to keep an eye on her. If she ends up making a scene at the wedding, it may be uncomfortable for you and the guests, but she''ll be the one that looks bad. Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

F is my gram's unofficial caretaker. Thank heavens that my grammy is still able to cook and clean for herself and still lives independently. But F does a lot for my grammy, takes her grocery shopping, on cruises, to dr. appts, stuff like that. My dad does almost as much. It's just that he travels a lot so isn't always in town on grocery day.

F definitely tries to be there as often as possible when I'm visiting with grammy. To the point where, when at the awkward breakfast I made an appt to visit with grammy in the evening to give her the sapphire earrings for her birthday (see my thread in 'colored stones'), F called as soon as I was there, then every 20 minutes thereafter. I made clear I wanted us to meet alone, since F would have turned the earring thing into a big hooha. But she managed to make her presence felt at every moment.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hahaha! I just read her e-mail a little more carefully and noticed she said something along the lines of 'How dare you tell me not to talk about the wedding with our relatives. I know you talked to the A's about it. Everything comes back to me you know!' (That referred back to the cause of her yelling at me initially last week.)

Uhm, I am the bride. I am therefore entitled to invite people to my wedding. You are the crazy aunt. You are therefore not entitled to do so. I suppose she missed that page of the 'how to be sane' handbook.

OK, that was mean.

She really brings out the worst in me. I'm ashamed.

 

[robbie3982]

Awe. I''m sorry you have to deal with this. Who knows, maybe you and your crazy aunt will work everything out before the wedding? Remember how bad things were with me and my cousin? We''re really good now and it took that blow up to make it happen.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 8/20/2007 2:27:54 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hahaha! I just read her e-mail a little more carefully and noticed she said something along the lines of ''How dare you tell me not to talk about the wedding with our relatives. I know you talked to the A''s about it. Everything comes back to me you know!'' (That referred back to the cause of her yelling at me initially last week.)

Uhm, I am the bride. I am therefore entitled to invite people to my wedding. You are the crazy aunt. You are therefore not entitled to do so. I suppose she missed that page of the ''how to be sane'' handbook.

OK, that was mean.

She really brings out the worst in me. I''m ashamed.

Haha this seriously made me laugh.

 

[Independent Gal]

I managed to get my dad on his cellphone and he basically said 'You were right to put your foot down, but you will never get anywhere with her. She is completely crazy so trying to be rational with her won't work. You can't win! So f*&$ her.' When I pointed out the issue with my grammy he said 'If she brings it up just say 'I understand why you see things from F's perspective, but from my perspective she's been incredibly mean and rude to me. So that's just how it is.' He pointed out that while my Gram might not really like that, it's not my responsibility to make everything in her life perfect. Sure it would be nice for her if F and I got along famously. But she DOES know F is crazy, and she can deal with just one thing not being perfect. After all, other than that tension (between F and us) Gram's family life is pretty awesome. Four constantly doting grandkids who spoil her every chance they get. Two kids who call her every day and take her out and help her with stuff. Lots of love floating around. If F and I don't get along, she'll cope. I should just tell her how it is and she'll deal with it.

So that's what I'll do.

My dad is sure smart sometimes.

ETA: OH yeah, and my dad said that one of his senior staff was assigned to monitor his e-mail while he's away too! So, not just the secretary is reading it. Holy moe! But dad seemed stoic about it. But lord, I would be SO P'ED OFF at her if I were him.

 

[Kaleigh]

If everyone she''s see is a crazy person, I bet your Grammy sees that too!!!

 

[musey]

Good grief! She needs to take a horse-sized chill pill. I know it's a very upsetting situation but the "EVIL EVIL EVIL" line made me laugh (however stifledly). I just pictured this harried-looking woman flailing her arms over her computer keyboard in dramatic fashion!

I'm doing the impression in my head. Pity you can't see it.

She makes me think of those "Bahamavention" commercials. Perhaps she needs one! Though I'm not sure that can cure the crazies...

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, Kaleigh! I know Grammy definitely does see she''s crazy. But she seems to see her as a sort of wounded bird, as disabled, so she has the urge to protect her, even to protect her from her own mistakes and mis-steps. Gram thinks she didn''t get enough oxygen when she was born and that''s the reason she''s like this, which sounds funny to me, but that''s what she believes. She wishes the rest of us could all just sort of chuckle and say ''Oh, that silly Aunt F!'' and see it not as destructive, mean, rude behaviour, but as eccentric behaviour. That can be pretty hard when she''s totally wreaking havoc in your life! Or ruining your wedding! Or spreading malicious gossip to your boss! Or staff! Or stealing! Or humiliating you in public!

At what point do you go from ''Poor F. She really is a bit crazy isn''t she?'' to ''Lady, you really can''t treat me this way!'' even if you know she won''t be able to really hear you?

 

[decodelighted]

Totally agree with your Dad. I think he''s so stoic because he''s realized that EVERYBODY has "a crazy". His co-workers etc .... they all have someone in their lives who is flat out nutzzzzzz. When people see the ravings of a lunatic they don''t think "Poor Mr. Indy" ... they think "Ha! That''s Mr. Indy''s CRAZY PERSON." As if it''s an unavoidable fact of life -- which it sadly is.

I''m sure it doesn''t sound funny now -- but EVIL EVIL EVIL is going to be a great story someday!

 

[Independent Gal]

Deco, funny you should say that, because that's EXACTLY what my dad said! He said "Indy darlin', EVERYBODY has a crazy relative, and this is ours."

ETA: And Musey, re the horse sized chill-pill, LOL my sister is actually really into the idea that a horse tranquilizer is the answer to any wedding-related, F-related anxieties. I think it was Monarch how suggeseted it originally, and my sis thinks it's the best idea EVER. She was wondering why we never thought of slipping a sedative in her drink before? After years of traumatic family events... We could just find her somewhere comfy to lie down and sleep it off.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/20/2007 3:42:41 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Deco, funny you should say that, because that''s EXACTLY what my dad said! He said ''Indy darlin'', EVERYBODY has a crazy relative, and this is ours.''

And if you don''t know who your crazy relative is.......it''s probably YOU!

lol!!!!!!


and Musey had me laughing so hard with her "pity you can''t see it" comment.

Oh my God I love this board!!! lol.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Can you roofie her? Or get your sister''s bf to make some ''happy'' brownies to give her before the ceremony? Maybe they''ll make her sleepy and she''ll sleep through it all.

Sorry, that was sick.

 

[Independent Gal]

ROFL. No sicker than the stuff my sis was coming up with.

And yes, both roofies and dope c/o step-sis' boyfriend were raised as possible solutions. My sis even suggested we put a sailor hat on her once she was asleep (partial inside joke). Like I said, she brings out the worst in us.

That's the thing. When she says we are EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! It's not entirely untrue. I mean, we are reacting to crazy stuff she does, and I try OH SO HARD to be nice to her and 95% of the time I am, like out of my way - send her postcards and lovely just-to-say-hi e-mails nice to her. But she must sense that we don't think she's the, uh, life of the party. I feel bad about that. But at what point do you get to stop being 'love is all around!' when she goes binky on you in public? Or tells embarassing lies about you to your boss? I mean, is it really EVIL EVIL EVIL to set some boundaries for this woman?? I think not.

But ok, finding the roofies idea funny (and the sailor hat!) is a bit evil. Maybe even Evil Evil! But not EVIL EVIL EVIL! That's going too far.

Besides, she doesn't even KNOW about the sailor hat.

 

[sumbride]

Wow! I just read your other thread and I''m kinda wondering if your aunt is my FMIL. It all sounds way too familiar!

I just bought the book "Toxic Inlaws". I don''t think they have "Toxic Aunt" but plain and simple, she''s toxic and you need to stop dealing with her as if she''s rational because she''s NOT.

My FI always reminds me "You can''t rationalize with a crazy person" when I want to talk to his mom about her behavior. It helps, but I''m still frustrated. Thinking of her as a child helps a lot. Would you treat a child''s temper tantrum as a real thing? No. Same concept. Ignore her.

good luck!

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/20/2007 2:27:54 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hahaha! I just read her e-mail a little more carefully and noticed she said something along the lines of ''How dare you tell me not to talk about the wedding with our relatives. I know you talked to the A''s about it. Everything comes back to me you know!'' (That referred back to the cause of her yelling at me initially last week.)


Uhm, I am the bride. I am therefore entitled to invite people to my wedding. You are the crazy aunt. You are therefore not entitled to do so. I suppose she missed that page of the ''how to be sane'' handbook.



OK, that was mean.


She really brings out the worst in me. I''m ashamed.

*snerk* And Indy, I strongly suspect that she doesn''t bring out the complete worst in you, since you aren''t actually going to do anything. You''re allowed to rant and be angry at this outrageous behaviour. That''s what we''re here for.

I''m with Musey. This woman needs a Bahamavention...I think the week of your wedding is a perfect time to send Dear Old Auntie F to the Bahamas.

I bet we could take up a "Help Indy Have a Sane Wedding" collection...

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/20/2007 3:31:53 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yes, Kaleigh! I know Grammy definitely does see she''s crazy. But she seems to see her as a sort of wounded bird, as disabled, so she has the urge to protect her, even to protect her from her own mistakes and mis-steps. Gram thinks she didn''t get enough oxygen when she was born and that''s the reason she''s like this, which sounds funny to me, but that''s what she believes. She wishes the rest of us could all just sort of chuckle and say ''Oh, that silly Aunt F!'' and see it not as destructive, mean, rude behaviour, but as eccentric behaviour. That can be pretty hard when she''s totally wreaking havoc in your life! Or ruining your wedding! Or spreading malicious gossip to your boss! Or staff! Or stealing! Or humiliating you in public!

At what point do you go from ''Poor F. She really is a bit crazy isn''t she?'' to ''Lady, you really can''t treat me this way!'' even if you know she won''t be able to really hear you?

Gosh IG, she/that sounds just like my mother with my sister. Mom has let my sister get away with way too much, and it''s only because of me constantly reminding her that she really wasn''t doing her any favors that she eased up a bit. But she still makes excuses for her, and favors her. And I think a small part of her is actually affraid of my sister, although she''d never admit it. I wonder if there isn''t a small bit of that going on with Grammy too...Oh well, what do you do, but deal with it the best you can.


I really feel for ya.

 

[diamondfan]

She is just showing her maturity or lack of it. And I am not saying that this is easy or pleasant, but really, you did not do anything to provoke this and she is just proving the point. Cc'ing your dad is only to poop disturb, and she is clearly someone with issues. I think I replied in your other thread that people like this are not usually swayed by conversation or by logic, it goes so much deeper. I am sorry if you are hurting because of it, but it really seems she is not someone you can have a healthy adult relationship with. I would simply go on about my business. Nothing you say or do is going to change her and you need to find a way to cope. With someone like this, it seems minimal contact is usually best. All bets really are off when you are dealing with someone unstable. It is not the same as two rational people having a dialogue. So just know that, and really try to avoid getting into scenarios with her. I know it is hard not to defend or get riled, but truly, it affects nothing in a positive way...she gets to you, and will never change, and you get upset without any resolution, I think it is lose lose ultimately, so just make yourself as scarce as you can and enlist others to help you who know what she is about...

 

[Independent Gal]

Thank you all for your support! I just called my grandmother with a sense of trepidation, wondering if she was going to say ''How could you upset F like that?'' but she didn''t say anything but ''Well HELLO dear! How was your day? What are you up to?'' etc. We talked for about 20 mins and she didn''t bring up the F situation at all. So, that means I''m home free with the part that was really worrying me.

I am going to ignore F to the best of my ability and avoid her when I can. I know that those of you who''ve said ''you can''t win!'' are OH SO RIGHT! And it''s what my dad says too. I keep trying to be kind to her, and it keeps exploding.

If my Grammy seems OK with the situation (me avoiding her), then that''s all I care about! Hopefully F will be serious about the ''I''m never speaking to you again'', but I doubt that! Even if she speaks, doesn''t mean I have to speak back.

Now let''s just hope she doesn''t take her revenge by trying to wreck my wedding.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/20/2007 7:19:31 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Thank you all for your support! I just called my grandmother with a sense of trepidation, wondering if she was going to say ''How could you upset F like that?'' but she didn''t say anything but ''Well HELLO dear! How was your day? What are you up to?'' etc. We talked for about 20 mins and she didn''t bring up the F situation at all. So, that means I''m home free with the part that was really worrying me.

I am going to ignore F to the best of my ability and avoid her when I can. I know that those of you who''ve said ''you can''t win!'' are OH SO RIGHT! And it''s what my dad says too. I keep trying to be kind to her, and it keeps exploding.

If my Grammy seems OK with the situation (me avoiding her), then that''s all I care about! Hopefully F will be serious about the ''I''m never speaking to you again'', but I doubt that! Even if she speaks, doesn''t mean I have to speak back.

Now let''s just hope she doesn''t take her revenge by trying to wreck my wedding.

That''s reallly good to hear IG.


Now, what about a bogus address for the wedding and reception for F??

Ok, just kidding, that was bad.

 

[Independent Gal]

Now, the bogus address idea would be a good one, if it weren''t for the fact that half my guests would end up at Bogus Wedding Place because she''s such a busybody. She will definitely try to run things the day of. I''d bet my condo that it''s not long before F is sending out her own info, arranging car pools, hotels, and lifts, billing peoples'' meals to me, inviting people to stay at my dad''s house, throwing a tantrum if she''s not invited to hang-outs with my friends on the wedding weekend... to the bewilderment of cousins and friends who just want to be left alone! Oh! The confusion! The drama! The crossed wires! I can already smell it. Then I''ll say ''CAN IT!'' then she''ll explode. That is my prediction.

Come to think of it, it would be classic F if the morning of my wedding she called while I was getting my hair done and said "Indy you never do ANYTHING for other people! You are so selfish! You have to go pick up Great AUNT B at the airport NOW because I can''t because I''m meeting with your florist for last minute instructionzzzzzzzzzzzz"

THe zzzz of course is the tranquilizer kicking in. Ah! Genius. Do you think they sell sailor hats on ebay?

I''m getting an unkind satisfaction from knowing that the incredible drama she probably hoped to generate with her ''I''m never speaking to you again'' e-mail has pretty much fizzled out already. No response from me. No response from Grammy. No response from my dad. It must be really frustrating her. But she said ''Don''t respond!'' so we won''t. Fine by us.

 

[JenStone]

I actually like Hudson Hawk''s idea of special brownies...

It''s great that the rest of your family is being supportive through this, Indy. And that you''re having a sense of humor about the situation when I''d prob be bawling right now. Keep strong!

 

[Harleigh]

LMAO Indy...you have such a good spirit about you that I think you are the furthest thing from EVIL at all!

I envy your ability to remain sensible, though I know how hard it is to deal with other family members who may think you are "overreacting" about it...overreacting my a$$!!!

I am proud of your poise as well as restraint...you seem to have it all handled, but I''m so sorry you''re having to deal with this right now.

Hang in there!

 

[Independent Gal]

JenStone: Oh I was bawling alright! But that was earlier this afternoon when I was talking to my dad on the phone. I actually was hoping to get some work done this afternoon but ended up too riled up. Ultimately, all you can do is laugh, right? But that doesn't mean you can't be upset at the same time.

In the Indy family, crying usually comes along with laughing. That's kind of how I was raised to cope with stuff.

Harleigh: I think the only person who would think I was over-reacting is possibly my grammy. She knows F is hard to deal with and crazy, but we shield her from the very WORST things F does. Like the break-in. Did I mention the break-in? The time F actually BROKE IN to my grandparents summer house (like, smashed the window, the whole deal) and STOLE something from them because she wanted to replace it for them?

The rest of the family know only too well how horrible she can be! My dad has got kind of stoic about it when she does stuff to him, but he actually said I was 'under-reacting' in a way. He couldn't believe I actually went to breakfast with her again after last weekend.

"What's that?!!?" you say, "Hold your horses!! Did you say she broke into her parents house and stole something so she could replace it?!!? BUt that's CRAZY!" Hey, I told you she was crazy.

 

[Harleigh]

LMAO Indy...

No, you didn''t tell us about the break-in, I don''t think...

That dingbat is off her rocker...let''s hope her genes have COMPLETELY skipped your generation, and the next, and the next, and the next...

Try to keep smiling, hun...we''re all here for you!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/20/2007 9:51:10 PM
Author: Independent Gal

''What''s that?!!?'' you say, ''Hold your horses!! Did you say she broke into her parents house and stole something so she could replace it?!!? BUt that''s CRAZY!'' Hey, I told you she was crazy.

Now that IS crazy.


I admire your attitude too, and it no doubt will help you get through this.