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cluess bridesmaids

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JenStone

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Mar 13, 2006
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I can''t wait for this month to be over! It''s the busiest time of the year at work and I''m soooo exhausted every day. Whenever I do have a free moment I''m doing wedding-related stuff or.....buying a condo! Yes, we just signed a contract and we''re in attorney review right now! I promise I''ll come back and update more as soon as things slow down a bit but I had a question I wanted to throw out to all the lovely ladies on PS:

I''m one of the first in my group of friends to be married, and so none of my bridesmaids have ever been bridesmaids before. While they''re excited to be a part of my wedding party, I can''t help but be a little worried, because they''re so clueless about being bridesmaids! They all think that the only thing that is required of them is to attend the rehearsal dinner to find out what they have to do on the wedding day, and show up on the day of the wedding wearing a nice dress. One looked positively appalled when I mentioned that I may need their help while going to the bathroom on my wedding day, and another thought that she can show up on the day of the wedding at the same time as the rest of the guests!

Now this isn''t to say that they''re not good friends; they''re just all so clueless regarding all the behind-the-scenes stuff that bridesmaids do. How can I teach them the traditional roles of bridesmaids without seeming bridezilla-ish?

...or am I being bridezilla-ish by even thinking this?
 

sumbride

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I sent mine all a book! Really! It was The Bridesmaid Guide and they all enjoyed it because it has a humorous slant.

Just lay out what they need to do and when and make it fun. Hopefully they''ll "shape up". Good luck!
 

robbie3982

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Date: 8/15/2007 9:47:38 PM
Author: sumbride
I sent mine all a book! Really! It was The Bridesmaid Guide and they all enjoyed it because it has a humorous slant.

Just lay out what they need to do and when and make it fun. Hopefully they''ll ''shape up''. Good luck!
My friend got me this same book when I was a bridesmaid in her wedding! I definitely didn''t think she was being a bridezilla at all. The book was really helpful. She was the first of our group to get married (she was actually just starting her last year of college) and none of us had any idea what to do. I loved getting the book. I highly recommend it.
 

Haven

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My best friend had three "new" bridesmaids in her wedding, so as the MOH I sent out emails detailing all the duties we''d have as bridesmaids, and I regularly sent them reminders and dates of when they were "needed" by the bride (e.g. showers, dress shopping, and other wedding-related parties.)

This was a free, easy way to get all the info out, and it helped my best friend avoid looking like a bridezilla because the info was coming from the MOH, and not the bride. Could you ask your MOH to do this? You have so many things to worry about already, your last concern should be your bridesmaids--they should be helping you!
 

Jas12

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I wish i had thought of the book idea--if only as a joke gift--because althought i chose my girls b/c i luv them and they are easy going and fun--they were very little help. Asking one of them to pick up linens on the way to the wedding was apparently a big deal. I was peeved seeing as i had asked absolutely nothing of my maids--no dress fitting, tiny expenses on their part--no shower throwing etc etc. So be up front with them (in a nice way of course) they will probably be very eager to help, as long as they have an idea of what to expect.
 

Sabine

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Do you have anyone, like an aunt or cousin, that is an experience bm whose info. you could give to the girls? She could be a go-to when the bm''s have questions, and you could work through her without them knowing to help prompt them if they aren''t stepping up when you need help. I''m one of Robbie''s moh''s, and when I was planning her shower (which is Sunday! wish me luck!), which is the first shower I''ve really planned, I got in touch with her future sil, who had much more experience, and she has been a lifesaver! If you just have someone get in contact with your maid of honor to say, hey, I''ve done this before and can give you suggestions if you need them, they (and you) might feel much more confident! But if all else fails, don''t be afraid to ask them to do things. They are your friends and I''m sure they love you and can''t wait to help!
 

JenStone

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My MOH is my little sister, and she''s never been a bridesmaid before. And frankly, she''s not a typical girly girl....she''s never been interested in weddings before so I don''t think she could email everyone with their duties. All my older relatives don''t speak English well, and since I''m not close to any of them I''d feel weird asking them for their help.

I think I''ll try the book idea, especially the reviews say it''s informative yet light and funny at the same time. Thanks, sumbride!
 

Hammurabi

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Dec 26, 2006
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sounds exactly like my BMs, the only difference is, my BMs are quite resistant about doing things when i need them, thank god i have a super helpful MOH.

the only thing so far I ask my BM to do is to try on the dress we have bought (they havent tried them on yet, not even interested in how it looks). And when it arrived I was all excited and tell them i would take them over for them to try on and they are always busy.

well, i had the dresses for a month, and i still have no idea how it looks on them. Thank god the wedding is still a long way away, otherwise i will be screaming my head off.

mind you, thats the only thing i asked them to do so far. They have absolutely zilch interest in the wedding, i dont know why they wanted to be my BMs so much in the first place.
 

diamondfan

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If they have never been bm''s, you might need to nicely tell them what is sort of in the norm expectation wise. Be neutral, just give them the basics of typical bm duties, and make sure they are on board. If you are willing to show them the way, and they are willing to dive in, it shoud be fine! If you sense a lot of hesitation or hedging, I might pass, since it is likely it will cause you too much stress in the long run.
 

Independent Gal

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I agree. Let them know what the usual BM expectations are, and then maybe say something like ''but you let me know what you''re comfortable with, given your time and financial constraints''. If you sense resistance from your friends, I wouldn''t push them too much. After all, they''re you''re FRIENDS. Beyond the stress fighting with them will cause, do you REALLY want to be someone who coerces your friends into do things for you? Think about it. Just because you''re a bride doesn''t make that OK.

i think it''s slightly different if someone already knows clearly what being a BM entails. Then they''ve basically agreed to do those things when they accept the ''job''. But if they didn''t know and you tell them now and they resist, I think you migth have to cut them some slack.

Just my 2 cts.
 

JenStone

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Mar 13, 2006
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I definitely don''t want to make them do things they don''t want to. I''m letting them choose their own dresses (they can be different styles just as long as they''re the same fabric), and I really don''t expect too much from them aside from being there for me for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding day. I can''t afford to pay for both dresses and hair+makeup so I gave them a choice of either (they chose to pay for the dresses themselves).

However, it does get a little frustrating when one of them asks if her BF can come in the limo with us (after much thought, we decided yes, but we ended up having to ask everyone else in the wedding party of their SO''s want to ride in the limo too, so that it doesn''t seem like she has preferential treatment....and so we had to get a bigger limo than originally planned). Or when another thought that the bachelorette party and bridal shower will be paid for and organized by the bride. Reading what I wrote, it almost seems like I have bad friends, but that''s not the case.....they really have no clue when it comes to this stuff!

Thanks for all your support, everyone!
 

Independent Gal

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I hear ya, Jen. The first time I was a BM, I had absolutely no idea what was expected. If I had, I would CERTAINLY have refused since the woman was not really a close friend and her wedding fell in the middle of the most stressful time of my grad school career (not to mention my tiny student stipend). Luckily, she made clear that we could all do as much or as little as we wanted, so I feel less guilty - now that I know what BM's are SUPPOSED to do - that all I did was help tie the flowers and run a couple of errands on the day! I was happy to pay for my hair and stuff even though it was a huge expense at the time! That part was fun. I'd never had an up-do before!
 
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