What I learned this weekend

[JenStone]

I attended my FBIL''s wedding this past weekend. I was already apprehensive about attending this wedding because I didn''t know anyone who would be there (aside from family, who would be speaking Chinese the entire night) and I knew my FI wouldn''t be able to spend much time with me since he was the best man.

I know the wedding was THEIR day and I''m happy for them. However, I did learn a few things from this wedding...mostly what NOT to do.....

1.) They had a head table and basically, I was stuck in the "reject" table. This term was humorously coined by those of us at this table. It consisted of dates of the bridal party and the photographer. We were seated the furthest away from the head table. This wouldn''t have been so bad, except that the DJ equipment totally blocked our view of the head table! We couldn''t even see our dates do their bridal party duties, make their speeches, etc. Good thing we all had a good sense of humor and joked about it together.

2.) The bridal party all danced together, each bridesmaid to groomsman. No offense to those who plan on doing this, but not one of us (the dates of the bridal party) liked this too much.

3.) The bride changed thrice throughout the night, from her white wedding gown to a Korean traditional dress, then to a Chinese dress, then back to her white dress...each time making another grand entrance announced by the DJ. The groom always left the banquet room with her, along with the bridesmaids. So there were three instances where half the bridal party disappeared for about 15 minutes. In addition, they had the Chinese tea ceremony in a different room during the banquet so they disappeared for another 30 minutes. They didn''t announce that they were even having a tea ceremony so most of the guests were left baffled as to why the entire bridal party and family left without saying a word. All in all, I just felt that there were just too many interruptions during the 4 hour reception.


Although we had fun at the wedding, my FI and I both discussed what had happened and decided to do a bunch of things differently. I know your wedding is your day and you should be able to do what makes you happy. However, I still equate our wedding to a big party and I want to be a good hostess and make sure everyone has fun.

Since this is the first wedding we attended as an engaged couple, it almost seemed like we were taking notes....is that wrong? Does anyone else do this? What have you learned from attending other weddings while engaged?

 

[Harleigh]

LOL Jen...after being in 11 weddings, none of which were my own yet, I do this ALL the time! I'm surprised I don't have a list going, actually, but you bring up some valid points...

I am a firm believer in either providing room at the head table for the bridal party's guests OR allowing them to sit at tables with the person they brought along with the other normal folks. It's almost like a punishment to BE in a wedding sometimes, I swear! I also detest the bridal party being stuck together for dances, etc..., as usually they actually brought their own SO and have no desire to dance or be stuck with whomever they were paired up with by luck of the draw or whatever! Arghhh!

I also realize there may be certain traditions that your FBIL's wife wanted to honor, but even though it's their "Big Day," the guests should also be taken into consideration. Unless she is Cher, I cannot fathom the justification of three separate wardrobe changes while leaving their guests hanging with no warning, no program of events indicating huge breaks in the festivities, etc...

I say take what you've learned about what NOT to do, keep your guests in mind when you plan YOUR big day and do what makes you happiest, and being a good hostess and trying your best to insure that they have fun will do just that.

BTW, did you happen take pictures of all these "wardrobe" changes???

 

[diamondfan]

I think some of it was just very thoughtless. You should absolutely be able to sit with your date, that should not even be a thought. Also, tradition aside, I am sure they could have handled things a bit better, so you were not sitting around wondering what was up.

I also think it is totally normal to compare notes. I did it when I started going to all the bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs...this works, this was too long, that lost the people''s attention, etc...I got a lot of great ideas!

 

[zoebartlett]

Yeah, I''ve taken mental notes during weddings as well, especially since getting engaged. On one hand, I don''t think it''s fair to do, since each couple has a "vision" of what they want their wedding day to be like. To each their own, you know? I do think though, fair or not, that everyone does that. I think it''s natural to compare what you see with what you and your fiance may want or not want.

Is the tea ceremony usually part of the reception or is this typically done separately (as its own "event")? I don''t know anything about it -- I''m just curious.

I definitely see what you mean by wanting to be a good hostess and not leave (unannounced or not) guests for long periods of time, wondering where you are.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 7/30/2007 7:22:59 AM
Author: zoebartlett
Yeah, I''ve taken mental notes during weddings as well, especially since getting engaged. On one hand, I don''t think it''s fair to do, since each couple has a ''vision'' of what they want their wedding day to be like. To each their own, you know? I do think though, fair or not, that everyone does that. I think it''s natural to compare what you see with what you and your fiance may want or not want.


Is the tea ceremony usually part of the reception or is this typically done separately (as its own ''event'')? I don''t know anything about it -- I''m just curious.


I definitely see what you mean by wanting to be a good hostess and not leave (unannounced or not) guests for long periods of time, wondering where you are.

Please correct me if I''m wrong (I''m Korean, not Chinese) but I think the tea ceremony is usually done in the morning of the wedding. But I''ve also been to Chinese weddings where it is done during the ceremony in front of all the guests so I guess it''s a matter of personal preference. I just found it weird that they would just up and leave the reception to do it - the only reason I knew about it is because my FI asked me if I wanted to attend. I ended up being the person who spread the word about where they were when the guests started wondering where they were.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree a lot aspects of the wedding you describe sounds painful. i know we''d never separate bridal party from dates (?).

but i don''t see a problem at all with the wedding party dance--it''s very common and is one of the special dances (ie it''s not like my dad''s going to have a problem if my mom dances with my FIL,etc). 80% of our wedding party is married, but it''s still nice to have them dance with their wedding party counterparts. of course, to each her own!!

 

[JenStone]

Date: 7/30/2007 2:05:30 AM
Author: Harleigh
LOL Jen...after being in 11 weddings, none of which were my own yet, I do this ALL the time! I''m surprised I don''t have a list going, actually, but you bring up some valid points...


I am a firm believer in either providing room at the head table for the bridal party''s guests OR allowing them to sit at tables with the person they brought along with the other normal folks. It''s almost like a punishment to BE in a wedding sometimes, I swear! I also detest the bridal party being stuck together for dances, etc..., as usually they actually brought their own SO and have no desire to dance or be stuck with whomever they were paired up with by luck of the draw or whatever! Arghhh!


I also realize there may be certain traditions that your FBIL''s wife wanted to honor, but even though it''s their ''Big Day,'' the guests should also be taken into consideration. Unless she is Cher, I cannot fathom the justification of three separate wardrobe changes while leaving their guests hanging with no warning, no program of events indicating huge breaks in the festivities, etc...


I say take what you''ve learned about what NOT to do, keep your guests in mind when you plan YOUR big day and do what makes you happiest, and being a good hostess and trying your best to insure that they have fun will do just that.


BTW, did you happen take pictures of all these ''wardrobe'' changes???

Haha, unfortunately, I didn''t get to take pictures of the wardrobe changes...I wouldn''t have been able to do so properly anyway because my table was so far away!

One of the girls who was sitting at my table (she was a GF of one of the groomsmen) joked, "Hey, at least you can pay them back at your wedding!" I thought about this but I want to take the higher road. I''m going to try my best to make sure my FSIL doesn''t feel too left out at my wedding by letting our bridal party sit with their SO''s, even inviting one of my FBIL and FSIL''s closest friends so FSIL has someone to talk to when FBIL is doing his best man duties.

I have to say that my FI is the best.

He was sooooo busy that day, running around like a madman, talking to vendors, taking care of any problems, etc. However, whenever he had a spare moment, he would make it a point to come and give me a kiss. And during one of the bride''s dress changes, he surprised me by requesting "I''ve had the time of my life" from Dirty Dancing! He led me out to the dance floor and we had a great time dancing to one of our favorite movie songs. He even lifted me up at the "lift" part of the song (although I was too chicken to go parallel to the ground), and everyone started cheering!

 

[JenStone]

Date: 7/30/2007 9:27:58 AM
Author: janinegirly
i agree a lot aspects of the wedding you describe sounds painful. i know we''d never separate bridal party from dates (?).


but i don''t see a problem at all with the wedding party dance--it''s very common and is one of the special dances (ie it''s not like my dad''s going to have a problem if my mom dances with my FIL,etc). 80% of our wedding party is married, but it''s still nice to have them dance with their wedding party counterparts. of course, to each her own!!

Wow I didn''t know it was common! Thanks Janinegirly, maybe I''m overreacting a bit at this point. I''ve been to more than 10 weddings in the past couple of years and none of them had this so this was a strange sight to me.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/30/2007 9:35:37 AM
Author: JenStone

Date: 7/30/2007 9:27:58 AM
Author: janinegirly
i agree a lot aspects of the wedding you describe sounds painful. i know we''d never separate bridal party from dates (?).


but i don''t see a problem at all with the wedding party dance--it''s very common and is one of the special dances (ie it''s not like my dad''s going to have a problem if my mom dances with my FIL,etc). 80% of our wedding party is married, but it''s still nice to have them dance with their wedding party counterparts. of course, to each her own!!

Wow I didn''t know it was common! Thanks Janinegirly, maybe I''m overreacting a bit at this point. I''ve been to more than 10 weddings in the past couple of years and none of them had this so this was a strange sight to me.

This may be another regional thing. Between family -- I am the youngest of 36 grandkids (all but 1 of my cousins is married) -- and friends I''ve been to more than a few weddings over the years and I''ve never seen a bridal party dance.

 

[AsscherGirl]

Since being engaged, I always pay more attention to the details at the wedding. Hey, the bride probably appreciates it since 90% of the people there will have no idea/memory of your centerpieces, favors, programs, flowers, etc!.

With the head table issuue, I knew the moment we got engaged I didn''t want a sweet heart table, but also wanted our bridal party''s guests to sit with us. I actually asked my bridesmaids if their dates would feel awkward sitting at the head table (worrying they would feel self-conscious about being "on display"), but they were appreciative they get to sit with us.

I''ve seen/done the Bridal Party dance (one where I had to dance with my cousin who is 3 years younger than me - a big difference when you are only 12, and at the time a foot shorter than me! and the other was with my fi - who is a foot taller than me!), and it''s usually part of the bride/groom''s first dance. I doubt we will do this. One of our groomsmen is married to one of our bridesmaids, but the rest have others I''m sure they''d rather dance with.

I am with you JenStone where that sounds like an awful lot of interruptions. I don''t want too many - I like to keep the party going. If people are up and dancing I don''t want to make them sit down!!

 

[amileegirl]

Bridal Party dances are common where I'm from and nearly every wedding I've been too has had them with the exception of the one that didn't have a bridal party at all. I wouldn't read anything into that.

I'm going to disagree that the bride was being rude with all the interruptions. The bride and groom could very well have been attempting to please their familes with the traditional dress and special ceremonies (I don't know them so I'm going to err on this side). Who do you please? Your great-great grandmother who so dearly would love to see you follow traditional ceremonies and she might not me belong upon this earth...or do you please the other great grandmother....or do you please all the guests? Not all the guests may have been privvy to this information about dress changes. Though it might have helped if they put such activities into a program, though they may have thought that since they needed the privacy that to tell everyone might have seemed like a slight. Having been a bridesmaid at a cross cultural ceremony, I can also tell you that sometimes things happen behind the scenes that can leave a bride in tears or ready to break some skulls and disapearing for a short time is needed for sanity's sake for a rest, to freshen up, to pee, or to take a breather. The bridesmaids may vanish as a support team and the groomsmen may have had special tasks to attend to.

I will agree that putting dates at a far away table was thoughtless and ill-planned. Though, on the other hand, if they were dealing with having to seat so-and-so exactly 25 feet from person B and if they didn't seat Group C away from Group D who would raise a stink if they were broken up or .... you get the idea. I could see how bridal party dates could get pushed down the list as an after thought. It might also have been that the bride and groom didn't realize how close that table would be to equipment.

I don't see that an hour of sporadic leaving of the reception as a problem. I would imagine that with the bulk of some dresses leaving for 2, 15 minute session just to freshen up, re-lace or air out, and answer the call of nature every now and then is acceptable. This bride just happen to change dress while she was at it. When a bride dissapears I've always assumed she had personal things to attend to! I also don't see a major issue with the 30 minute lapse for a private ceremony during a four hour reception. It was up to the DJ as an emcee to keep the guests entertained and simply informed, "M and M will return shortly...in the meantime...."

Your negative perception, if I may, could very well be due to being upset as to where you were seated and not being able to spend time with your date for one evening. So everything seemd to be grandious (your mention of the entrances) and audacious and unnecessary, rather than an attempt to accomodate family and try to please as much family as possible.

 

[lehcarm]

About the bridal party group dance, where I it is quite common. The way I look at it, it lasts for a portion of one song. For those few minutes, I think it is acceptable to have the party dance together, they have the rest of the night to dance with their SO.

Also, about dates sitting at the head table... I guess where I am from, or at least the weddings I have been to, this is very uncommon. In fact, I have never seen it. Two years ago when I was MOH in my friends wedding, my FI sat with some of my friends from high school. He had met them a few times, so he didn''t mind not sitting with me. Especially for wedding with large bridal parties, it think sometimes it isn''t even possible to have dates sitting at the head table. Maybe it''s just me...

 

[amileegirl]

It is very uncommon I've never seen it, but I'm going to do it. Our party is vey small (four people) and so we decided to include the spouses of our matron of honor and best man so they wouldn't be seated apart. I think in a ceremony where the party consists of mostly singles (or is large) and their girlfriends the dates or spouses would be seated together, but not at the head table. But in small parties where half are married, it is becoming more acceptable to include the spouses at the table.

 

[lehcarm]

I wish we could fit our dates of the wedding party at our head table. I think I have a pretty average size wedding party, 4 GM, 4 BM, but the table we are sitting at can only hold 10 comfortably. I do plan to seat the dates/spouses very close to the head table, and everyone should know at least a few other people, so hopefully they won''t get too bored.

 

[goldenstar]

At a recent wedding I went to, FI was the best man. The couple was at a sweetheart table so FI and I sat together at one of the round tables with other members of the bridal party and their dates.

I totally took note of what I liked and disliked. What I learned:

--A big bridal party is hard to manage. The couple had 8 women/8 men plus 5 children. It was such an ordeal getting everyone in their places and keeping track of people who wandered off.

--Get a wedding planner if you can afford it, at least for the day of the wedding.

--Find a good DJ. A bad one is really obvious and a mood killer.

--If you do videography, make sure that they are not too instrusive. This videographer had maybe three cameras and they were so distracting.

--Edit the first dance and parent dance songs to 2 or 3 mintues in length. After a while no one pays attention if its a long song.

--NO CASH BAR. Unfortunately, this wedding had one.

--A combination of passed hors d''ouvres and hors d''ouvres stations is nice. People won''t have to hunt down waiters all the time.

 

[janinegirly]

if you are doing a head table, yes it''s unusual to put the spouses / dates there with them. kind of defeats the purpose of a head table which is meant to be bride and groom flanked by wedding party.

so, if you prefer to not do it that way, do the sweetheart table and then roundtables with wedding party sitting with dates/spouses. that''s how we''re doing it!

 

[chrono]

As I am Asian, perhaps I can explain some of the "interruption" that others may not understand. The dress changes are VERY common and EXPECTED in Asian weddings. I've gone through this myself upon insistance by my in-laws.

It is part of the culture. The head table is also part of the culture and is reserved for the elders and immediate relatives (parents of the bride and groom).

The bride always comes in white, then changes into the traditional chinese/whatever gown, then an evening gown.
The tea ceremony is usually held earlier, but I've also seen this held during the same evening as the receptiopn, except that it takes place in front of everyone.

 

[VRBeauty]

As one who has been to a few Asian weddings, ditto Chrono. The consolation to the guests is that they are usually very well fed during this type of reception!

 

[JenStone]

I think everyone has valid points here. Leaving the reception to freshen up, attend to nature''s calls, etc is totally understandable. It''s just that I''ve never been to a wedding before where the main people were gone for so long. Now I''m not sure about the bride''s family, but I know the groom''s family told them they don''t need to change, because they''re having another Chinese wedding in a week. When I told the guests (who were asking me where the bridal party and the family were) that they were having a tea ceremony, they asked, "Well aren''t they doing it next week also?" which is also a valid point. However, I don''t know too much about Chinese wedding traditions so I''m not sure how this is normally handled.

I doubt the bride''s family pushed for dress changes also, since they are very liberal people and even cheered on when the groom removed the bride''s garter with his teeth (I could never do that in front of any of my relatives!)

I guess in my point of view, the interruptions seemed too frequent because whenever the stragglers finally started dancing and it seemed the party was really starting to pick up, the DJ would stop and announce another entrance.

I''m not trying to badmouth the bride and groom here. I believe that you should have fun on your wedding day. But with this wedding, they hardly had time to mingle or take time to have fun because they were always running off to do something or the other - they seemed so stressed. Yes it''s important to please your family. But it''s your day and I just thought they could''ve spent a bit more time relaxed and enjoying their day, especially since they are having a separate cultural wedding next week.

 

[JenStone]

Oh, I just thought of another reason they might''ve done the dress changes: to show all the people who won''t be at the Chinese wedding what they''ll be missing. A totally valid point.

FI and I are having a separate Chinese wedding too, but we''ve decided to leave all the cultural stuff to that wedding. Our western wedding will be the one that all our friends and family will be attending, some from across the world, and we want to spend as much time with them as possible.

 

[eks6426]

One way around the head table with the attendants and their dates is to put the parents at the head table with the bride & groom. This frees up the attendants to sit at the regular tables with their dates.

After years of attending weddings where my significant other was part of the bridal party, I learned that if I don''t know anyone besides him, I just don''t go. He is then free to do his "duties" and I don''t have to sit at the looser table trying to make conversation.

 

[lehcarm]

Date: 7/31/2007 4:24:59 PM
Author: IslandDreams
One way around the head table with the attendants and their dates is to put the parents at the head table with the bride & groom. This frees up the attendants to sit at the regular tables with their dates.

This is a really good idea that I have never heard of before. Has anyone been to a wedding with this setup? I might have to think about doing this!