Girl to girl talk and advice

[Hudson_Hawk]

The earlier discussion about birth control made me realize that some of us might not have close girlfriends who we feel comfortable asking questions or talking to. Sometimes I feel like writing about a difficult or embarrassing subject is a lot easier than talking about it face-to-face, so I thought it might be helpful to have a place where we can feel comfortable asking questions about the more personal aspects of married life. Consider this our newlywed version of TTC for people who aren''t necessarily TTC. So anything is fair game, health, sex, birth control, depression, abuse, alcoholism, balancing work and your role as a wife, anything. Just keep it clinical (no slang references to acts, body parts or rude comments), be sensitive to others and their backgrounds and use discretion as our use of this site is a privilege, not a right.

 

[Lilac]

I definitely don''t feel comfortable all the time talking to my friends about certain topics... great idea for this thread!

 

[ficklefaye]

i''m not a newlywed yet, a couple more months for me, but this is a great idea! there are certain topics i just can''t bring myself to talk about face to face, so this would be a nice outlet

 

[whitby_2773]

happy to contribute to this if you ever want old lady/psychologist input, tho i realize there are a number of women here who fit this bill or similar. not pretending i have all the answers, but have worked in developmental psych/family therapy and then dispute resolution for many, many years, so a lot of questions might overlap that area.

by the way, great thread idea, Mrs H-H.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/23/2009 3:54:48 PM
Author: musincy

Date: 7/23/2009 3:50:59 PM

Author: whitby_2773

happy to contribute to this if you ever want old lady/psychologist input, tho i realize there are a number of women here who fit this bill or similar. not pretending i have all the answers, but have worked in developmental psych/family therapy and then dispute resolution for many, many years, so a lot of questions might overlap that area.

by the way, great thread idea, Mrs H-H.

Thanks whitby. Your help in the other post was really great. I seem to have the same issue as newsboygirl. Are we the only two that have experienced this?!

No, you''re not. I spoke about this a little in a "sex" thread a week or two ago, but the thread (i assume) ended up being removed (can''t find it anymore). I went through it in a way, but it was a specific medical condition that caused it. I think if you''re still newly married (and you''ve only tried intercourse a few times so far) then it''s probably an issue with being comfortable and relaxed and you need more foreplay. If it goes on for weeks or months and you keep trying everything you can think of to relax but it''s painful as hell, then it might be a medical condition like I had.

I think you should for sure try everything whitby suggested in the other thread - it takes time for some people to learn the mechanics and how much foreplay they need to be ready, etc. Once you figure it out, it will be great! If you try it all and nothing works after a few weeks of working on it, then I would speak to a doctor about it.

 

[cammy85]

is there anything we can''t talk about that will get the post removed, or is it more if it takes a less-than-clinical turn with the advice? I would love to talk about stuff, but don''t want to be the reason for a topic''s removal!

 

[omieluv]

This thread is a great idea! I think if questions and their responses are handled in a mature manner, I cannot think of anything that would be off-limits.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/23/2009 4:05:45 PM
Author: Lilac

No, you're not. I spoke about this a little in a 'sex' thread a week or two ago, but the thread (i assume) ended up being removed (can't find it anymore).

Just wanted to chime in and ask if this is the one you were talking about Lilac? Are you planning on *ahem* abstaining before the wedding?

 

[whitby_2773]

ok - here''s a helpful link for anyone experiencing severe pain during intercourse or an inability/severe discomfort during penetration:


try this link to vaginismus info.

vaginismus is an involuntary and repetitive contraction of the muscles of the pelvic floor, which in turn exerts pressure on the vagina, making intercourse either impossible or extremely painful. it''s actually more common than difficulties with the hymen membrane, and can be experienced intermittently, constantly, or during not only intercourse, but insertion of tampons or during medical exams. it can occur later in life after certain medical conditions or illnesses (secondary vaginismus), or be present from the beginning of sexual practice (primary vaginismus).

it can be successfully addressed with treatment, but this is definitely one for your dr.

this seems to touch on some of the questions raised, and can be a useful thing to rule out if nothing else.

hope this is of use!

 

[Lilac]

newsboysgrl777 - that one may have been it. I guess I was thinking of a different thread that had been removed. It''s hard to keep track sometimes

whitby - Thank you for posting that link. That''s the condition I was referring to. I would never want someone to just assume they have that condition just because they''re having a difficult time with intercourse at the beginning (because I think some difficulty and discomfort is normal), but it''s definitely important to understand that if the pain persists or is severe, it''s something you should definitely talk to your doctor about! For me, I had this condition and it would not have been *possible* to treat without the help of trained professionals. "Relaxing" simply does not work for that.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Lilac, I am just curious if you used the treatment from the link whitby posted or if your doctor suggested something else.

 

[geckodani]

Something to consider as well if intercourse is initially painful, and condoms are in use is a possible latex allergy. I had a problem when we were first married, which we eventually traced to a mild latex allergy.

Stopped using the condoms (I'm on BC, we were just being crazy paranoid about getting pregnant) and all was well.

ETA: Hudson Hawk- this is a fabulous idea. Sometimes there is no one around to ask this kind of thing!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Latex allergies are really common and can be quite severe. Reactions can range from localized reactions (the pain you experienced) to rashes and even anaphalactic shock. So if you think you have an allergy, you should stay far far away from any latex products. There are other condoms on the market (polyurethane??? that doesn''t sound right) that you can use instead.

 

[anchor31]

newsboysgirl - DH and I waited until marriage as well so I know where you''re coming from. I wonder, have you and your DH talked about this? I know it can be embarassing at first, but you have to be able to have a plain and honest discussion about sex with your husband... Otherwise, how can it get better for both of you? How can you learn about each other''s desires and likes and dislikes? Honey, sexuality should be a beautiful, joyful thing, and it should be fun. Don''t be afraid to talk about it, to experiment and try new things. Relax, take your time and just... have fun! I second the books recommendation that you got in the BC thread, and I hope you can find someone to talk to about this in RL. Another couple in your church, perhaps? A married girlfriend of mine was of great help to me before I got married.

As far as BC goes, I was on the Pill for 4 years from 18 to 22 and it made me depressed and killed my libido (which I wanted back since I was getting married...), so I dropped it 6-7 months before the wedding. I definitely felt lots better. I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and decided to use the NFP method (Natural Family Planning). It worked very well for us to both prevent and achieve pregnancy (I''m 17 weeks now), but I would definitely back it up with condoms if you really really want to make sure you won''t get pregnant.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/24/2009 9:16:44 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Lilac, I am just curious if you used the treatment from the link whitby posted or if your doctor suggested something else.

I was referred by my (excellent) gynecologist to these wonderful women for treatment: http://www.womentc.com/content.php

That site has plenty of information on vaginismus, information on the physical therapist and psychotherapist that run the practice, and information on their treatment approach. Going there was one of the best decisions I made for myself. Anyone who has been told they have this issue should also read their book: it''s called "Private Pain" - it really really helped me understand what I was going through and what the treatment would do.

The treatment involved dilators and "homework" which meant I had to practice with them at home each night. I had to come in for appointments and the physical therapist would help me move onto the "next step" (the next size dilator) and the other therapist would talk to me, hold my hand if I wanted her to or just sit next to me if I preferred that, talk me through it, and she would talk to me after each session also about my life, my husband, wedding planning, stress, anything and everything I wanted to discuss. The whole treatment was both physical and mental therapy. It was one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever gone through, but it worked and now I can have a normal sex life with no pain (which I honestly thought would never ever be possible before I went to them for treatment!)

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/24/2009 10:53:10 AM
Author: anchor31
newsboysgirl - DH and I waited until marriage as well so I know where you''re coming from. I wonder, have you and your DH talked about this? I know it can be embarassing at first, but you have to be able to have a plain and honest discussion about sex with your husband... Otherwise, how can it get better for both of you? How can you learn about each other''s desires and likes and dislikes? Honey, sexuality should be a beautiful, joyful thing, and it should be fun. Don''t be afraid to talk about it, to experiment and try new things. Relax, take your time and just... have fun! I second the books recommendation that you got in the BC thread, and I hope you can find someone to talk to about this in RL. Another couple in your church, perhaps? A married girlfriend of mine was of great help to me before I got married.

As far as BC goes, I was on the Pill for 4 years from 18 to 22 and it made me depressed and killed my libido (which I wanted back since I was getting married...), so I dropped it 6-7 months before the wedding. I definitely felt lots better. I read ''Taking Charge of Your Fertility'' and decided to use the NFP method (Natural Family Planning). It worked very well for us to both prevent and achieve pregnancy (I''m 17 weeks now), but I would definitely back it up with condoms if you really really want to make sure you won''t get pregnant.

Great post, Anchor.

NBG, I just remembered something that might help you at least come up with ideas of things to try, and a good jumping off point for discussions. Have you ever seen "Talk Sex with Sue" (if it''s still on)? I know it used to be on at midnight on Sunday nights (on Oxygen, I believe), and Sue is an older lady who is very candid about all things sexual. She answers any and all questions, and I bet she''s covered topics that could really help you and your DH. It seems silly, but it can be a great way to start discussions and get ideas, and it''s less embarrassing than talking to somebody in person if you''re not comfortable doing that. Plus, she''s incredibly entertaining, and her product and book reviews are great!

 

[audball]

Date: 7/23/2009 7:55:07 PM
Author: Lilac
newsboysgrl777 - that one may have been it. I guess I was thinking of a different thread that had been removed. It''s hard to keep track sometimes

whitby - Thank you for posting that link. That''s the condition I was referring to. I would never want someone to just assume they have that condition just because they''re having a difficult time with intercourse at the beginning (because I think some difficulty and discomfort is normal), but it''s definitely important to understand that if the pain persists or is severe, it''s something you should definitely talk to your doctor about! For me, I had this condition and it would not have been *possible* to treat without the help of trained professionals. ''Relaxing'' simply does not work for that.

Lilac, I think you were talking about the "Let''s talk about S.E.X." thread that NakedFinger started over in LIW a little while back, it was removed, don''t know why.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/24/2009 10:53:10 AM
Author: anchor31
newsboysgirl - DH and I waited until marriage as well so I know where you're coming from. I wonder, have you and your DH talked about this? I know it can be embarassing at first, but you have to be able to have a plain and honest discussion about sex with your husband... Otherwise, how can it get better for both of you? How can you learn about each other's desires and likes and dislikes? Honey, sexuality should be a beautiful, joyful thing, and it should be fun. Don't be afraid to talk about it, to experiment and try new things. Relax, take your time and just... have fun! I second the books recommendation that you got in the BC thread, and I hope you can find someone to talk to about this in RL. Another couple in your church, perhaps? A married girlfriend of mine was of great help to me before I got married.

Hey all...thank you so so much for caring so much about me (a complete stranger!!) and giving me all these tips and advice. I'd like to reply to the thread above just so you all kind of have a better idea of where I'm at.

DH and I are actually reading a book that our pastor gave us by Dr Gary Smalley and a Tim something. I don't remember the name of the book, unfortunately. It's really nice because we're reading it completely together (he reads it out loud and I listen, and there are questions and discussions at the end of each chapter). Just that alone is really nice because it sort of brings us closer. Also, I had purchased a book last year that I'd started to read (and DH started to as well, but not together)...and as I was typing that, I just lost the name of the book. :-\ Like...Intimacy in Marriage or something like that? It's written by a male gycologist-turned-pastor as well as someone else, but I don't remember who. It's a very technical book, whereas the other one (by dr Smalley) is sort of about EVERYTHING (for example, we just read a chapter yesterday that talked about 'mental intercourse' which basically says that a woman's desire begins in her head (her emotions, relationship with her husband, etc.) and how to 'feed' that).

Anyway, I'm very, very open with DH and always have been. I told him I was concerned my libido wouldn't really increase just because we were married (many people said my 'aversion' to sex was simply because it was 'naughty' outside of marriage. I KNEW that wasn't really my only problem, but agreed it could contribute, however, I can say that being married hasn't 'suddenly' gotten rid of that horribly wrong 'sex is wrong' mentality). So, I just want to say that DH and I are very open and very willing to work on this problem of mine (no matter what it is), but it'll just take some time and re-adjusting of my thoughts.

Thank you all again for caring so much!!!

ETA: As far as talking with another married couple, I guess I'm a little more timid about that. I don't have anyone in the church that I really know well (and no one that I'd feel comfortable talking about this with), but I AM going to be discussing my concerns/questions with my gyno at my appointment next week.

ETA 2: Oh...and I also decided to lower my dose of my anti-depressant (with my doctor's approval, of course), and I'm thinking of maybe not being on BC...but again, I'll have to talk to my gyno, because the reason I was on it before was painful periods. And, after reading what another poster said (either on this thread or another one) about condom failure rate being higher than estimated because women aren't ALWAYS able to get pregnant every time one was used, I'm thinking I may want a second form of BC along with it...anyone ever use spermicide? What's it like? Messy? Painful (burning, itchy)? Effective? Etc. Thanks again!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

NBG-you can actually buy condoms with spermicide already in them. It''s added to the lubricant. Trojan makes a good lubricated condom with nonoxynal 9 that will help if you''re concerned about failure. The number one best thing you can do to ensure success is to learn how to properly use a condom. How to put it on, how to keep it on and how/when to take it off. If you have a problem, like it falls off or breaks, the N9 helps because it will take care of the "leakage" or, you could pick up some Plan B at the pharmacy and keep it in your medicine cabinet. Plan B is the morning after pill. It''s basically a one time dose of birth control that will prevent the swimmers from fertilizing the egg. It is NOT the abortion pill and anyone who says it is is very very misinformed.

I think the steps you''re taking are going to pay off for both you and your husband. It''s clear that there''s a commitment to working together to make sex gratifying for both of you and i think the fact that you''re working together is wonderful and says a lot about you as a couple. You were brought up to believe certain things and so it''s normal for you to not be as sexually-aware as someone else who''s been exposed to sex and sexual language/discussions for a long time. It''s normal and that can change over time as you learn more about sex, yourself and your husband. If you''re both committed to making the other person feel good, then you''re doing everything right. like I said in a previous thread. Good, regular sex begets more sex. As you have more and more you crave more and more. And it doesn''t have to be just intercourse. It can be anything intimate that feels good.

 

[whitby_2773]

really good thread, HH.

just giving it a bit of a bump to ''keep it up there'' in case anyone has anything else they wanna bring up....