Anyone here NOT having kids?

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/16/2009 2:54:39 PM
Author: Haven
TooPatient--That sounds like a carnival, not a service!
That''s definitely not what ours our like. That''s too bad.

Sukkot has kids parade in service (adults are supposed to wave the lulav & etrog too) & additional activities after.

Purim is supposed to be carnival like.

Lag B''Omer is more of a barbeque than a service.


Anyway, most of the holidays have services that aren''t all aimed at kids. Just have to look at the schedule carefully and plan for it.

Shabbat services are usually pretty nice.

 

[Blackpaw]

I know im a bit late to this discussion (and not a newlywed) but i thought id chime in. SO and i dont want to have kids either.

His approach is that its a lifestyle thing - he doesnt mind kids but he''d prefer the lifestyle he could have without them. I agree with that, but also, i tend not to like children much. I never grew up around any and im uncomfortable when in a social situation with them...dont know what to do/say. When they''re just around they annoy me. I dont know why im like this as i love animals.

Trillionaire SO and i worry too that we''ll lose a lot of our friends when they start to have babies. Im going to try and be the best ''aunt'' i can...but my friends know ive never been into kids, and i cant see how our relationships will work when they have them. Its like you said with your fam...your lives are just worlds apart.

Im more than happy for people to have kids for whatever reason (so long as they''re not bad parents)...i think what gets my goat is parents who act like the world owes them a debt because they have children. I seem to notice that attitude a lot.

Its funny though because probably for the last three or so months, ive really gotten into the pregnant pricescopers thread! I think its one of those ''cant look away'' things...but hey, ill probably end up with six

 

[TooPatient]

I''d like to add another good reason to not have kids.

Distended Uterus

Look it up (unless you want kids).

It is partially hereditary. My grandmother has it. (of course she also had 4 kids....)

This is one of the most disgusting things I''ve seen recently. The uterus starts to fall through the cervix.
Mild cases just sags down a bit. Not too bad -- a little painful, urinate a lot, painful sex.
Moderate cases the uterus comes through the cervix more. Even more painful.

Severe cases -- the uterus comes all the way through the cervix and can come OUT of the body. (It may just sit inside the body on the wrong side of the cervix -- I had to stop reading. A bit too gross.)

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/16/2009 6:40:14 PM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 9/16/2009 2:54:39 PM
Author: Haven
TooPatient--That sounds like a carnival, not a service!
That's definitely not what ours our like. That's too bad.

Sukkot has kids parade in service (adults are supposed to wave the lulav & etrog too) & additional activities after.
Purim is supposed to be carnival like.
Lag B'Omer is more of a barbeque than a service.
Anyway, most of the holidays have services that aren't all aimed at kids. Just have to look at the schedule carefully and plan for it.
Shabbat services are usually pretty nice.

I suppose I take it for granted that I live in an area with a synagogue on nearly every block. You can pretty much find exactly what you're looking for without having to travel too far, be it a mostly adult synagogue, a GLBT community, or predominantly younger families, there is somewhere to join within ten miles that will suit your needs.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/18/2009 12:36:59 PM
Author: TooPatient
I''d like to add another good reason to not have kids.

Distended Uterus

Look it up (unless you want kids).

It is partially hereditary. My grandmother has it. (of course she also had 4 kids....)

This is one of the most disgusting things I''ve seen recently. The uterus starts to fall through the cervix.
Mild cases just sags down a bit. Not too bad -- a little painful, urinate a lot, painful sex.
Moderate cases the uterus comes through the cervix more. Even more painful.

Severe cases -- the uterus comes all the way through the cervix and can come OUT of the body. (It may just sit inside the body on the wrong side of the cervix -- I had to stop reading. A bit too gross.)

lol, my friend is an ob/gyn, so I hear plenty ''o crazy things! However, she''s still having kids one day, so maybe it sounds worse than it is?

I don''t want kids because I want the kid free lifestyle, not out of fear (women had kids in caves, so it can''t be THAT bad, right? lol).

 

[I Love My Sailor]

well I cant say that I never want kids but I want to wait until we have been married for 8 years or so. Most couples our age are having children now.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/18/2009 1:28:32 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/18/2009 12:36:59 PM
Author: TooPatient
I''d like to add another good reason to not have kids.

Distended Uterus

Look it up (unless you want kids).

It is partially hereditary. My grandmother has it. (of course she also had 4 kids....)

This is one of the most disgusting things I''ve seen recently. The uterus starts to fall through the cervix.
Mild cases just sags down a bit. Not too bad -- a little painful, urinate a lot, painful sex.
Moderate cases the uterus comes through the cervix more. Even more painful.

Severe cases -- the uterus comes all the way through the cervix and can come OUT of the body. (It may just sit inside the body on the wrong side of the cervix -- I had to stop reading. A bit too gross.)

lol, my friend is an ob/gyn, so I hear plenty ''o crazy things! However, she''s still having kids one day, so maybe it sounds worse than it is?

I don''t want kids because I want the kid free lifestyle, not out of fear (women had kids in caves, so it can''t be THAT bad, right? lol).

I had bunches of other good reasons to not have kids before learning about this. (this just added to the list -- and can always get around it by having C-section)

My mother doesn''t know the details but I guess it is bad enough that Grandma has to "push it back in" sometimes.

 

[tradergirl]

You guys all seem to be young so I''ll give it to you from the perspective of someone who didn''t have kids and is now too old to do it (late 40s).

I have never EVER regretted not having kids and was never even tempted to do it. I got pregnant twice while married and had two early miscarriages (otherwise I would have terminated the pregnancies).

Kids were a dealbreaker for me while I was single. I broke up two serious relationships before I got married with two guys who thought they could change my mind (no way that was going to happen). One of the two turned out to be a major entepreneur who IPO''d his company and is now worth 100M plus but that''s another story

What''s funny is he married someone else and had kids, the marriage was a disaster, and now he''s bothering me 20 years later saying he wished he''d never done it.

I was able to "retire" (work for myself) at 35 because I didn''t have kids. My husband, a lawyer, also "retired" and works sporadically when he wants to. We didn''t buy a house during the bubble either so we''re kind of like people in their early 20s in that we have no commitments at all other than dogs and cats.

I wouldn''t change a thing that we''ve done. My friends and family with kids OTOH, have been divorced or the kids have just blown up their lives in one way or another. Watch the movie "Parenthood" some time to get an idea of what can happen.

 

[jstarfireb]

Tradergirl, I''m so relieved to hear your story and know that there are happy and successful people like you out there who stuck with their choice to be child-free. Whenever I tell someone I don''t want kids, all I get is "oh, you''ll change your mind" or "see how you feel when you hit 30" or whatever. It''s nice to hear from someone who has been there, didn''t change her mind, and has a great life (as it sounds to me)!

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 9/27/2009 7:18:57 PM
Author: tradergirl

I was able to ''retire'' (work for myself) at 35 because I didn''t have kids. My husband, a lawyer, also ''retired'' and works sporadically when he wants to. We didn''t buy a house during the bubble either so we''re kind of like people in their early 20s in that we have no commitments at all other than dogs and cats.


I wouldn''t change a thing that we''ve done. My friends and family with kids OTOH, have been divorced or the kids have just blown up their lives in one way or another. Watch the movie ''Parenthood'' some time to get an idea of what can happen.

Thank you so much for sharing this Tradergirl! It seems that everyone says we will change our minds and it is somewhat difficult to find women like you to share their experiences, and more importantly, lack of regrets!

 

[blissfulbride]

we are totally starting to feel the social pressure but we arent going to break. we just tell everyone we are having to much fun together

 

[wishful]

I didn''t read everyone''s answers but it''s a NO for us as well. I just don''t have that maternal instinct and without it I don''t think it would be the right choice for me.
I''d rather have kittens.

 

[trillionaire]

My new patented response when people ask me why I am not having kids:

''I''m trying to be more Christ-like.''

He didn''t have kids, but no one questioned him...

 

[KimberlyH]

There seems to be a lot of bitterness surrounding people inquiring as to whether or not children are in a couples'' future. I am curious as to how often one is really asked this question?

I''m pregnant, so the question is obviously answered for us now, but we have been married for 3+ years and in that time I can only remember being asked a handful of times and when my answer was less than direct (we weren''t sure for some time and then didn''t feel the need to share our conclusion with anyone, so I was typically very vague in replying) whomever was inquiring tended to let the subject go without pushing.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 10/19/2009 3:33:50 PM
Author: KimberlyH
There seems to be a lot of bitterness surrounding people inquiring as to whether or not children are in a couples'' future. I am curious as to how often one is really asked this question?

I''m pregnant, so the question is obviously answered for us now, but we have been married for 3+ years and in that time I can only remember being asked a handful of times and when my answer was less than direct (we weren''t sure for some time and then didn''t feel the need to share our conclusion with anyone, so I was typically very vague in replying) whomever was inquiring tended to let the subject go without pushing.

I get asked ALL THE TIME. Mostly at work.

While we are planning on kids, I might not be able to - in which case we won''t. I think somehow people don''t see how personal this question is. Somehow it''s okay to ask.

 

[miraclesrule]

Ahahaha Trillionaire...Christlike.
I used to say that when people asked why I was only ordering bread and wine.

 

[mausketeer]

This just seems to be one of those "stock" questions people always ask...... When you''re single everyone wants to know WHY AREN''T YOU DATING? (or "whatever happened to so-and-so" who they KNOW you broke up with six MONTHS ago but they don''t know what else to talk to you about)...... when you have a BOYFRIEND everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ENGAGED?...... once you''re actually MARRIED everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS? I think it''s just people being dumb to be honest (they can''t think for themselves so they just rehash the SAME questions over and over again - "hot enough for yah?" etc)

Place me in the camp with those who have "just said no" to kids. I don''t really LIKE children that much (they''re always so..... STICKY. And why DO they make kids toys so LOUD anyways? Can someone ask them to stop doing that please?). When I was (briefly) married I THOUGHT I wanted a child with my husband but realized he would be a terrible father so it never materialized. Since the marriage ended I haven''t been in a relationship with ANYONE that I felt would be a good father/loving supportive partner to ME and that was always the most important element (I knew that it would be too difficult to do on my own and I''ve seen what happens to my friends when they have children. They WORK, they take care of the HOUSE, they take care of the CHILD AND they still have to take care of their HUSBANDS too? NO THANKS!) I have yet to see any of my friends with kids have a partner who pulls their fair share of the load after the child comes. Yes, yes, I''m sure there are many ON HERE, I just have never seen it with my own two eyes, sorry...... women still do the lions share of the work load in the home - add a kid to that and it gets even WORSE.......

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 10/19/2009 5:39:53 PM
Author: mausketeer
This just seems to be one of those ''stock'' questions people always ask...... When you''re single everyone wants to know WHY AREN''T YOU DATING? (or ''whatever happened to so-and-so'' who they KNOW you broke up with six MONTHS ago but they don''t know what else to talk to you about)...... when you have a BOYFRIEND everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ENGAGED?...... once you''re actually MARRIED everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS? I think it''s just people being dumb to be honest (they can''t think for themselves so they just rehash the SAME questions over and over again - ''hot enough for yah?'' etc)

Place me in the camp with those who have ''just said no'' to kids. I don''t really LIKE children that much (they''re always so..... STICKY. And why DO they make kids toys so LOUD anyways? Can someone ask them to stop doing that please?). When I was (briefly) married I THOUGHT I wanted a child with my husband but realized he would be a terrible father so it never materialized. Since the marriage ended I haven''t been in a relationship with ANYONE that I felt would be a good father/loving supportive partner to ME and that was always the most important element (I knew that it would be too difficult to do on my own and I''ve seen what happens to my friends when they have children. They WORK, they take care of the HOUSE, they take care of the CHILD AND they still have to take care of their HUSBANDS too? NO THANKS!) I have yet to see any of my friends with kids have a partner who pulls their fair share of the load after the child comes. Yes, yes, I''m sure there are many ON HERE, I just have never seen it with my own two eyes, sorry...... women still do the lions share of the work load in the home - add a kid to that and it gets even WORSE.......

I agree with this 100%, from my observation as well. I also know that most moms in this position say that they would choose their children over their partner any day, so I guess it''s a catch-22. *shrugs* No perfect answers, just everyone doing the best that they can.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 10/19/2009 5:39:53 PM
Author: mausketeer
This just seems to be one of those ''stock'' questions people always ask...... When you''re single everyone wants to know WHY AREN''T YOU DATING? (or ''whatever happened to so-and-so'' who they KNOW you broke up with six MONTHS ago but they don''t know what else to talk to you about)...... when you have a BOYFRIEND everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ENGAGED?...... once you''re actually MARRIED everyone wants to know WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS? I think it''s just people being dumb to be honest (they can''t think for themselves so they just rehash the SAME questions over and over again - ''hot enough for yah?'' etc)

Place me in the camp with those who have ''just said no'' to kids. I don''t really LIKE children that much (they''re always so..... STICKY. And why DO they make kids toys so LOUD anyways? Can someone ask them to stop doing that please?). When I was (briefly) married I THOUGHT I wanted a child with my husband but realized he would be a terrible father so it never materialized. Since the marriage ended I haven''t been in a relationship with ANYONE that I felt would be a good father/loving supportive partner to ME and that was always the most important element (I knew that it would be too difficult to do on my own and I''ve seen what happens to my friends when they have children. They WORK, they take care of the HOUSE, they take care of the CHILD AND they still have to take care of their HUSBANDS too? NO THANKS!) I have yet to see any of my friends with kids have a partner who pulls their fair share of the load after the child comes. Yes, yes, I''m sure there are many ON HERE, I just have never seen it with my own two eyes, sorry...... women still do the lions share of the work load in the home - add a kid to that and it gets even WORSE.......

Life experiences and the people we surround ourselves with certainly do color our perspectives. I am friendly with couples with and without children and what they all seem to have in common is that they have made choice to be happy with the life they have created, or not. One male friend shared with me that he and his wife struggled when they had their first baby as she was at home and felt when he walked in the door he should take over childcare completely (I find this to be much more common now than it was for our parents); they worked very hard to resolve the issue and over time things are much better as they have come to reasonable compromise. He works long and hard and it would be difficult to be in his position, and hers. They are a wonderful couple and I''m so glad they were able to resolve the problem as opposed to it affecting their marriage negatively.

I guess it is a stock question, typically asked when one hasn''t seen someone in a while. It can be uncomfortable to answer (it was for me when the answer was "not sure" and "yes").

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/19/2009 3:33:50 PM
Author: KimberlyH
There seems to be a lot of bitterness surrounding people inquiring as to whether or not children are in a couples'' future. I am curious as to how often one is really asked this question?

I''m pregnant, so the question is obviously answered for us now, but we have been married for 3+ years and in that time I can only remember being asked a handful of times and when my answer was less than direct (we weren''t sure for some time and then didn''t feel the need to share our conclusion with anyone, so I was typically very vague in replying) whomever was inquiring tended to let the subject go without pushing.

I was wondering this as well.

We''ve been together for over five years and married for only a little over one year, but we really don''t get asked this question very much. AND, DH is 39 and I''m 29 (so we''re no spring chickens, and I think people ask more because we''re older) and I''m a teacher, which seems to be synonymous with "future mommy" in many people''s minds.

Yet, we still haven''t been asked whether we plan on having kids more than a handful of times in our entire relationship. Do people really ask you (rhetorical) that often?

 

[geckodani]

Date: 10/19/2009 11:24:59 PM
Author: Haven

I was wondering this as well.

We''ve been together for over five years and married for only a little over one year, but we really don''t get asked this question very much. AND, DH is 39 and I''m 29 (so we''re no spring chickens, and I think people ask more because we''re older) and I''m a teacher, which seems to be synonymous with ''future mommy'' in many people''s minds.

Yet, we still haven''t been asked whether we plan on having kids more than a handful of times in our entire relationship. Do people really ask you (rhetorical) that often?

Someone asked me yesterday.

Last week when a coworker found out we were house hunting, the immediate response was, "Oh good! So you can have kids!"

When DH graduated from Law School at the end of September, I had multiple people comment that now we could start our family.

Anniversary in August: "You''ve been married for 3 years! When are you having kids?"

When my nephew was born in June, every single person that walked by my desk and commented that, "Oh! Now you must want one! When are you going to try?"

After we returned from our honeymoon .... oh man. I swear at least 15 people asked me when we were going to have kids. I was like, seriously? I just got back from my honeymoon!

It happens a lot.

 

[Haven]

That''s insane, GD.

I suppose I should be grateful that I''m not surrounded by such intrusive people. That would drive me nuts.

 

[wishful]

Yup, I get asked all the time too. From family, friends, coworkers, etc.
I personally think it''s rude to ask (not here on FB as a general forum question) but directly to a person. I mean what if someone really wanted kids but wasn''t having them because they were having fertility problems or maybe a couple decided not to try because of financial issues. I mean how insensitive to ask when really people may want them but might not be able to have them for whatever reason. I''m not that case (at least I''m not sure b/c i''ve never tried to get pregnant) but you never know who is or who isn''t.
It is a very personal decision.

 

[geckodani]

Haven - it really is insane!

Date: 10/21/2009 12:39:26 AM
Author: wishful
Yup, I get asked all the time too. From family, friends, coworkers, etc.
I personally think it''s rude to ask (not here on FB as a general forum question) but directly to a person. I mean what if someone really wanted kids but wasn''t having them because they were having fertility problems or maybe a couple decided not to try because of financial issues. I mean how insensitive to ask when really people may want them but might not be able to have them for whatever reason. I''m not that case (at least I''m not sure b/c i''ve never tried to get pregnant) but you never know who is or who isn''t.
It is a very personal decision.

This is exactly how I feel about it too. In my case, I may or may not have some fertility issues, and sometimes I wanna yell at people when they ask. You just don''t know what people have going oh, ya know?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I thought this was kind of funny and sort of relevant to the thread, haha.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 10/23/2009 7:24:51 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I thought this was kind of funny and sort of relevant to the thread, haha.

LOL!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Ran across a book recently for folk who don''t want kids or curious about the childless lifestyle. It''s an older book called: Marriage without Children: Men and Women tell what it''s like to be childless by chance or choice. It''s more of research/survey style book, but I found it interesting and also reaffirming in terms of identification with similiar minded folks, and thoughts on childlessness throughout the lifecourse. Not an AMAZING book, but a pretty easy read... check it out if it sounds up your alley

A similiar article... here

 

[UnderBlue]

Date: 10/19/2009 3:33:50 PM
Author: KimberlyH
There seems to be a lot of bitterness surrounding people inquiring as to whether or not children are in a couples' future. I am curious as to how often one is really asked this question?

I was asked a few months ago by my BF's uncle in front of everyone else in the family (after a funeral to boot). We're not even engaged yet, under 30 and I'd only met the uncle one other time. I couldn't believe it! All the other kids are married or engaged, so maybe he felt he needed to pick on us or something.

ETA: To comment on someone above saying their then-husband would make a rubbish dad. I know my boyfriend would be a great dad and he would do more than his share and be very helpful and supportive. BF and I have talked about it and he definitely doesn't want kids now or soon and doesn't think that'll change in the future. I'm pretty sure I won't ever but it could change, I have no way of knowing what I'll think in 10 years. But it does hurt some to know that someone who could be a great dad won't get to be one.

 

[sctsbride09]

Dh and I are also in the "no kids" club.

We both felt that way from the get go, and talked about it. When we first got married, alot of people bugged us about the kid thing, but its died down some now. The only people that make me insane about it anymore are Dhs family. His mom and sis are RELENTLESS, and the sisters bf is a gem.

After we got married, he asked us, " so when are you are you guys going to pop out some kids?" (lovely). To which I replied " we are enjoying being newly married, and kids are not something we are thinking about right now." To which he replies" whats the point of getting married if you dont want kids?"

Umm, because we LOVE each other moron?! So yeah, some people are GREAT. (extreme sarcasm) However, my husband has come up with a great response to overly nosy people in the family..MIL- "when are you guys going to give me a grandchild?!" HUBS answer- " well, we just tried before we came over, but we arent sure if it stuck"

This gets a priceless look on Mils face.

 

[Haven]

I have a question for those who are choosing to be childless:
Did any of you want kids at some point in your life?

I''m asking because I find myself less and less interesting in having children as time goes on. However, there was a time in my life where I very much wanted to have children, and a lot of them, at that. I''m a bit confused by my decreasing interest in being a mother, so I''m just curious about whether anyone else has experienced something similar.

Trill--I''m definitely going to check out that book recommendation!