Anyone here NOT having kids?

[allycat0303]

For the life of me, I can''t figure out why I don''t want children. I''ve spent so much time analyzing, wondering, etc., about what is *wrong with me* everyone says to me,"Oh you''ll feel differently when they are your own children" And really, what if I don''t feel differently once I''ve had them? It''s not as if I can change me mind.

To be brutally honest though, this is something that makes me feel really bad. I follow my high school friends on facebook and I see all of them becoming mothers. And some of these girls are woman that I thought at the time were WAAAY less maternal then me. And I constantly ask myself, "What is wrong with me?" How come these girls can all do it and I can''t?

So it''s not something I say lightly. I think about it everyday. And everyday, I wish I felt differently.

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 9/5/2009 8:07:15 PM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 9/2/2009 7:55:11 PM

Author: jstarfireb

Date: 8/30/2009 9:43:09 PM
Author: allycat0303
And I don''t like babies. I don''t find them cute, and I don''t get the urge to cuddle them. My husband wants children. We''ve discussed it over and over, and he has always said he wants to be with me more then he wants children.

Big fat ditto on ALL counts! I thought I was the only person in the world who didn''t like babies or children. Everyone else who doesn''t want them says something like ''sure, I LIKE kids, but I just don''t want my own.'' Well...I unabashedly do not like children! And it''s nice to be able to say that (hopefully) without being judged and called a horrible person because of it.

Incidentally, my husband also wants them, but we came to the same sort of agreement. When he proposed, I made sure he had come to terms with the very strong possibility of not having kids.

I''m glad you have the guts to be completely honest

Thank you, Londongirl! I don''t say it often for fear of people''s horrified reactions. Many people don''t realize that being a good person and disliking children aren''t mutually exclusive. It''s so refreshing to be applauded rather than judged for such a statement!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 9/7/2009 8:24:56 PM
Author: allycat0303
For the life of me, I can''t figure out why I don''t want children. I''ve spent so much time analyzing, wondering, etc., about what is *wrong with me* everyone says to me,''Oh you''ll feel differently when they are your own children'' And really, what if I don''t feel differently once I''ve had them? It''s not as if I can change me mind.


To be brutally honest though, this is something that makes me feel really bad. I follow my high school friends on facebook and I see all of them becoming mothers. And some of these girls are woman that I thought at the time were WAAAY less maternal then me. And I constantly ask myself, ''What is wrong with me?'' How come these girls can all do it and I can''t?


So it''s not something I say lightly. I think about it everyday. And everyday, I wish I felt differently.

I really don''t see anything wrong with not wanting children... It certainly isn''t anything to feel badly about. In my mind it''s the people who don''t want children, then end up having children and abusing them - who should feel bad. Having children is a LIFE long commitment, and it''s not for everyone.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/7/2009 8:24:56 PM
Author: allycat0303
For the life of me, I can''t figure out why I don''t want children. I''ve spent so much time analyzing, wondering, etc., about what is *wrong with me* everyone says to me,''Oh you''ll feel differently when they are your own children'' And really, what if I don''t feel differently once I''ve had them? It''s not as if I can change me mind.

To be brutally honest though, this is something that makes me feel really bad. I follow my high school friends on facebook and I see all of them becoming mothers. And some of these girls are woman that I thought at the time were WAAAY less maternal then me. And I constantly ask myself, ''What is wrong with me?'' How come these girls can all do it and I can''t?

So it''s not something I say lightly. I think about it everyday. And everyday, I wish I felt differently.

I don''t really wish I felt differently, but I DO wonder why I don''t feel like everyone else... I also wish my parents would stop harassing me about grandchildren, as if I should have children to appease them.

 

[October2008bride]

Interesting post on childfreedom.org:

Browsing around, I came across an article called 10 Reasons Not to Have Kids Yet...or Ever which is not exactly the most comprehensive list in the world (at least compared to The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids)...but nevertheless...

Because I posted a comment to the article, I get sent notifications when other posters post comments. Here is an interesting response from a father:

I am a happy parent of two, and here are my reasons to have kids:

1) Having a captive audience. Who better to listen to your cheesy renditions of bed-time stories than a wide-eyed child? Or your off-tune renditions of lullabies?

2) Best cure for loneliness or boredom. It takes a lot to sever your relationship with your child. Sure, it takes a lot of love, time and understanding, but tell me something worthwhile that doesn''t require effort? Put some love and time into it, and it''s probably your best bet for a lasting, close relationship with another person.
3) Relive your childhood. If there were things you loved about your childhood, you can recreate them. Things you hated? You have a chance to set them right.

4) Live comedic performances for free. If a 1-yr old baby playing fetch with your labrador or dancing in the buff to a Michael Jackson tune won''t make you smile, nothing will.

5) A witness to your greatness and to your shortcomings. If you continue to screw up-- tell half truths-- your kid will know. If you are prone to tantrums, your kid will know. Likewise, if you love unconditionally, give your time generously, and are truthful, your kid will know. What better inspiration to become a bigger person than that little beloved witness in your house?

6) Getting old will be easier. This I''m speculating on, as I''m not yet old. But I dread to think what holidays without children would be like. Imagine being 75 and spending a lonely Christmas in a retirement home. Yuck! Or my wife, being a solitary widow when she outlives me. Thank God for my two boys. And if they give me grandkids, I''ll have little babies to buy xmas gifts for.

7) Will bring your relationship with your partner to its true light. If you are unsure of how strong your relationship with your partner is, there is no better measuring stick than the challenge of bringing up children together.

Well, that''s it for now. GTG.
There are a couple of things I found very illuminating about this response:

First, the fact that a parent can state that he had children so that he can have a captive audience, cure loneliness and boredom, be entertained, make getting old easier to bear and have a witness to his greatness screams SELFISH to me, but who am I to judge? Oh, that''s right - I am a selfish childfree person, so what would I know about selfishness?
Second, in response to the items listed by the father above, I feel compelled to post a line-item response to this gentleman:

1. Do you really find performing before a long-suffering, captive audience fulfilling? Why not spare everyone the agony and sing into a mirror?

2. Make some friends. Be a devoted partner or husband. Take your wife on a date. Take a class. Develop some listening skills. Show interest in other people. Become a volunteer. Go to school. If having children is the only way you can prevent being lonely or bored, you aren''t really living your life.

3. Want to relive the fun things of your childhood? Go ahead. You don''t need kids to do it. Ride a rollercoaster, have a pajama party, write in your journal, play board games, play a game of touch football, have silly theme parties with your friends (and make silly videos), laugh until your sides hurt. I do, and you''d be surprised how many other adults, when given the opportunity, like to do these things too. Or if you really can''t bear the idea of doing these things without children in tow, take your nieces, nephews or friends'' kids out for a day. And then when you''re all tired out, turn them back over to their parents and get on with your peaceful life.

4. Get pets. They are endlessly entertaining. I highly recommend having multiple cats and watching their wrestling matches. Boatloads of fun. Or marry a funny person like I did. Rent vintage Eddie Murphy stand-up routines. Your library probably rents them for free. Classic! Here''s my favorite Eddie Murphy routine of all time. I laugh just thinking about it!

5. I have news for you. Your kids aren''t the only witnesses to your greatness and shortcomings. Have a wife? She''s a witness. Have friends? (maybe not, since you rely on your kids to cure your loneliness) - if so, they are witnesses. Have a job? Your boss is watching. If you only care about what children think of you (and not adults), you are selling yourself (and everyone else in your life) short.

6. Follow my advice in #2 above and make some friends. That way, when you get old, you won''t have to rely on your adult children to keep you company out of obligation - you will actually have people who voluntarily hang out with you (and really, isn''t that more rewarding?) - people to share your life with, to do fun things with, to talk with. Can''t bear the thought of not having children around at Christmas time? Invite your friends and family over. Most of them probably have kids - make it a big party! Better yet, adopt a needy family and shop ''till your heart''s delight. There is certainly no shortage of kids who would be thrilled to receive Christmas gifts.

7. Have an affair. Develop a drug or drinking problem. Max out all the credit cards. Develop a gambling problem. I mean, come on. If you have to add "challenge my marriage to see how strong it is" to a list of reasons having kids is so wonderful, you''re really stretching. This is a minus, not a plus. I am very happy not knowing my marriage''s stress threshold, thank you very much.


I thought that the father''s response summed up a lot of what I think are the wrong reasons for having kids. Interesting read!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 9/7/2009 8:24:56 PM
Author: allycat0303
For the life of me, I can''t figure out why I don''t want children. I''ve spent so much time analyzing, wondering, etc., about what is *wrong with me* everyone says to me,''Oh you''ll feel differently when they are your own children'' And really, what if I don''t feel differently once I''ve had them? It''s not as if I can change me mind.

To be brutally honest though, this is something that makes me feel really bad. I follow my high school friends on facebook and I see all of them becoming mothers. And some of these girls are woman that I thought at the time were WAAAY less maternal then me. And I constantly ask myself, ''What is wrong with me?'' How come these girls can all do it and I can''t?

So it''s not something I say lightly. I think about it everyday. And everyday, I wish I felt differently.

Ally, I really sympathise - I felt totally this way until 18 months ago. I felt bad actively trying to get pregnant whilst feeling very ambivalent about the end result and how I would cope. My GP asked what I thought would happen - my response was that I hoped I''d be so sick of being pregnant after 40 weeks that a baby would seem like a great alternative...

Sometimes you just jump into the unknown and deal with what happens. I can''t imagine life without Daisy now and she has made DH and I even closer and happier than before (maybe not closer in all ways as she hogs the middle of our bed). I also have no regrets about not having children till I was 36, however rather than being desperate to go back to work I''m hoping to spend another year at home with her - or go part-time for a few years!

It is a risk that you might hate your child when they arrive - I just looked at it as I would a new pet... I''ve always liked them, this one would just be a bit more time-consuming and would learn to answer back. It wasn''t love at first sight for me either - I was happy she was born, but the love I feel now grew over quite a few weeks.

 

[jstarfireb]

October2008bride, you are my heroine!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

There''s nothing wrong with not liking kids! It doesn''t make you a bad person.
Not liking puppies or ice cream on the other hand...

Hehe, jk.

 

[Patchee]

or horses or kitties....

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Has anyone read the book, "I hate other people''s kids"? It is hilarious and my boss (also childfree) and I sometimes read it to each other just for fun!

My DH has two boys that live with us and I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 2 years. I went from stopping at the mall on my way home from work and picking up take out to rushing home to get boys ready for boy scouts and supervising homework. Are they funny? Yes. Do they make my heart melt? Yes. Am I looking forward to them graduating and going to college? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!

I am NOT having any children, DH is perfectly fine with this and I cherish our "alone" time. There is nothing in the world that would convince me to start the clock again and have a child of my own.

Favorite Comments:

1) Oh, you''ll change your mind! - No, I really won''t.
2) Just have one, to see if you like it. - And if I don''t? Where do I return it to? Can I give it to them?
3) Who will take care of you when you are old? - Myself! Duh

So happy to find this thread! I am NOT alone! Yay!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I don''t understand why friends/stranger would try to CONVINCE a woman into having kids if she doesn''t want any. It''s not like our species is endangered and we desperately need all women to reproduce. And don''t you want a future mother to intrinsically want to be a mother and not have to be talked into it? "Mom" isn''t really a job you should be able to talked into or out of in my opinion.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/12/2009 10:29:22 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
Has anyone read the book, ''I hate other people''s kids''? It is hilarious and my boss (also childfree) and I sometimes read it to each other just for fun!

My DH has two boys that live with us and I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 2 years. I went from stopping at the mall on my way home from work and picking up take out to rushing home to get boys ready for boy scouts and supervising homework. Are they funny? Yes. Do they make my heart melt? Yes. Am I looking forward to them graduating and going to college? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!

I am NOT having any children, DH is perfectly fine with this and I cherish our ''alone'' time. There is nothing in the world that would convince me to start the clock again and have a child of my own.

Favorite Comments:

1) Oh, you''ll change your mind! - No, I really won''t.
2) Just have one, to see if you like it. - And if I don''t? Where do I return it to? Can I give it to them?
3) Who will take care of you when you are old? - Myself! Duh

So happy to find this thread! I am NOT alone! Yay!

This has got to be one of the biggest myths. Come to the UK and visit an old peoples home and you''ll find plenty of elderly people who have children that NEVER even visit them

No-one should be dumb enough to assume that just because they have children, they won''t be left to fend for themselves when they get old

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/13/2009 1:11:18 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I don''t understand why friends/stranger would try to CONVINCE a woman into having kids if she doesn''t want any. It''s not like our species is endangered and we desperately need all women to reproduce. And don''t you want a future mother to intrinsically want to be a mother and not have to be talked into it? ''Mom'' isn''t really a job you should be able to talked into or out of in my opinion.

This is what I keep thinking about as I read everyone''s stories about people trying to convince them to have children. If someone does not want to be a parent, then they shouldn''t be a parent, period.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

october2008, I had seen that response of yours on childfreedom before I knew it was someone on PS!! How fun to see that its someone here who wrote that

AWESOME response!

 

[LitigatorChick]

I find this thread interesting. As a very happy mom to a child (and being a person who likes no kids other than my own!), I wonder what would the posters on this thread consider a good reason to have kids????

I can''t bin down a "reason" other than I felt I was ready to commit and give to a child. Now that I have Miller, I can give a million reasons why I would never want to live a moment without him. And a million reasons why I don''t want another one!!!!

Anyway, is there a "good reason" to have kids??

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 9/15/2009 10:40:03 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I felt I was ready to commit and give to a child.

That, right there, is the best reason I can think of for having a child

I don''t think there is a single good reason. But it should be about wanting to give, to raise a child, to want them so much that you are willing to put their needs above your own for the rest of your life. I should be about wanting to give, not wanting to receive. The more "self-centered" reasons (wanting someone to look after you when you are old, having a captive audience to laugh at your jokes, having someone who you think you can correct your past mistakes through) are the ones that I think are... not so good.

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/15/2009 11:08:57 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 9/15/2009 10:40:03 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I felt I was ready to commit and give to a child.

That, right there, is the best reason I can think of for having a child

I don''t think there is a single good reason. But it should be about wanting to give, to raise a child, to want them so much that you are willing to put their needs above your own for the rest of your life. I should be about wanting to give, not wanting to receive. The more ''self-centered'' reasons (wanting someone to look after you when you are old, having a captive audience to laugh at your jokes, having someone who you think you can correct your past mistakes through) are the ones that I think are... not so good.

I don''t know, I feel like the "somebody to laugh at my jokes" thing isn''t really the reason people have kids. I think that poster was probably just giving examples of the wonderful things that you get to experience when you have kids, not giving the actual reasons he chose to have children.

Honestly, I think that there are selfish and unselfish reasons to have kids and to not have kids, and turning the judgement around on (prospective) parents for having kids is exactly what people do to childless couples. I guess I just don''t see why there isn''t more of a "live and let live" attitude on both sides.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/15/2009 11:55:34 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 9/15/2009 11:08:57 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 9/15/2009 10:40:03 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I felt I was ready to commit and give to a child.

That, right there, is the best reason I can think of for having a child

I don''t think there is a single good reason. But it should be about wanting to give, to raise a child, to want them so much that you are willing to put their needs above your own for the rest of your life. I should be about wanting to give, not wanting to receive. The more ''self-centered'' reasons (wanting someone to look after you when you are old, having a captive audience to laugh at your jokes, having someone who you think you can correct your past mistakes through) are the ones that I think are... not so good.

I don''t know, I feel like the ''somebody to laugh at my jokes'' thing isn''t really the reason people have kids. I think that poster was probably just giving examples of the wonderful things that you get to experience when you have kids, not giving the actual reasons he chose to have children.

Honestly, I think that there are selfish and unselfish reasons to have kids and to not have kids, and turning the judgement around on (prospective) parents for having kids is exactly what people do to childless couples. I guess I just don''t see why there isn''t more of a ''live and let live'' attitude on both sides.

+1

though I felt awful the other day when I told an old roomie that FI and I didn''t want kids and she revealed that she might be experiencing early menopause and may be unable to have children

I just want people to be able to have the family that they want.

 

[princesss]

It''s so hard when you get news like that, Trill. You just can''t help but hurt for your friend. I know I''m biased, because I really want to adopt, but hopefully your friend will be see that she is able to have a family, even if it''s not the way she expected it to happen.

*big hugs* for her, though.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/15/2009 4:10:55 PM
Author: princesss
It''s so hard when you get news like that, Trill. You just can''t help but hurt for your friend. I know I''m biased, because I really want to adopt, but hopefully your friend will be see that she is able to have a family, even if it''s not the way she expected it to happen.

*big hugs* for her, though.

I''m with you Princesss, I would never have bio kids, only adopt. I think it''s more about the dream and vision people have for their lives, and watching it fade away. Just makes me sad. I hope it''s not early menopause, but I also hope she considers adoption... She''s not even 25, and isn''t married, so she has time to figure out how she feels.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 9/15/2009 8:22:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/15/2009 4:10:55 PM
Author: princesss
It''s so hard when you get news like that, Trill. You just can''t help but hurt for your friend. I know I''m biased, because I really want to adopt, but hopefully your friend will be see that she is able to have a family, even if it''s not the way she expected it to happen.

*big hugs* for her, though.

I''m with you Princesss, I would never have bio kids, only adopt. I think it''s more about the dream and vision people have for their lives, and watching it fade away. Just makes me sad. I hope it''s not early menopause, but I also hope she considers adoption... She''s not even 25, and isn''t married, so she has time to figure out how she feels.

I agree with this statement. I have friends in all situations (had children way too young and resent it; waited too long to have children and are struggling; can''t have children; don''t want children) and I think it''s important to let them grieve for what they feel has been lost. I know I have to grieve even when my plans fall apart, I can''t imagine if the grief you would experience if you have to see the life you dreamed dissipate before your eyes.

That is my biggest fear...that I have a vision for how my life will be (getting to have my husband''s full attention; being able to pick up at the drop of a hat and go anywhere; spending all my disposable income on us, etc.) and somehow my life will be a never ending Boy Scout carpool. It''s not that a Boy Scout carpool is the end of the world (those boy scouts sure are prepared for ANYTHING!), it''s that the life I envisioned did not include a carpool.

 

[Apsara]

October2008Bride, I loved your commentary. Dead on,IMO. What nonsense!And having kidsto take care of you when you are old? I know far more people whose kids have moved to the other side of the country or who are selfish and inconsiderate of their parents than I do people whose kids are well positioned to take care of them when they are old.

And I also especially agree about the "entertainment value." My husband and I delight each day in our dogs''antics--it''s more than enough for me!

All those reasons that father posted are SELFISH. Did anyone over there post that they want a child to have the genuine experienceof being a a parent and devoting themselves to raising a good human being, a person to contribute to the world and make adifference in some way?

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/15/2009 8:22:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/15/2009 4:10:55 PM
Author: princesss
It''s so hard when you get news like that, Trill. You just can''t help but hurt for your friend. I know I''m biased, because I really want to adopt, but hopefully your friend will be see that she is able to have a family, even if it''s not the way she expected it to happen.

*big hugs* for her, though.

I''m with you Princesss, I would never have bio kids, only adopt. I think it''s more about the dream and vision people have for their lives, and watching it fade away. Just makes me sad. I hope it''s not early menopause, but I also hope she considers adoption... She''s not even 25, and isn''t married, so she has time to figure out how she feels.

Definitely. I had that moment a few years ago - a doctor told me I''d never be able to have bio kids. Just, "Nope, can''t have kids, come back for your pap next year, have a nice life." I was 19 and totally incapable of coping with it. I decided I didn''t want kids (fine, I can''t have them? I don''t even WANT them, then!) before finally realizing adopting is where my heart is. I was in mourning for the life I''d planned for quite a while and I didn''t really have anybody to talk to about it. It really would have been nice to have somebody that I could talk to about it, because it is really, really difficult.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/16/2009 9:37:12 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 9/15/2009 8:22:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/15/2009 4:10:55 PM
Author: princesss
It's so hard when you get news like that, Trill. You just can't help but hurt for your friend. I know I'm biased, because I really want to adopt, but hopefully your friend will be see that she is able to have a family, even if it's not the way she expected it to happen.

*big hugs* for her, though.

I'm with you Princesss, I would never have bio kids, only adopt. I think it's more about the dream and vision people have for their lives, and watching it fade away. Just makes me sad. I hope it's not early menopause, but I also hope she considers adoption... She's not even 25, and isn't married, so she has time to figure out how she feels.

Definitely. I had that moment a few years ago - a doctor told me I'd never be able to have bio kids. Just, 'Nope, can't have kids, come back for your pap next year, have a nice life.' I was 19 and totally incapable of coping with it. I decided I didn't want kids (fine, I can't have them? I don't even WANT them, then!) before finally realizing adopting is where my heart is. I was in mourning for the life I'd planned for quite a while and I didn't really have anybody to talk to about it. It really would have been nice to have somebody that I could talk to about it, because it is really, really difficult.

Wow, I can't believe a doctor would give you such sensitive news in such a callous and matter of fact manner!

That must have been an incredible weight to bear, as most 19 y olds would not be able to relate to what you were going through. I'm glad you have figured out that motherhood is something that you still want and can attain. I decided that I wanted to adopt when I was around 12 years old. I would sit in class daydreaming about adopting kids of different nationalities/cultures, and learning new languages with them, going to different cultural events, and basically having a little UN in my home! (I wanted 4 kids, lol). Now, I'm not sure. By the time I was 18, if people asked me about kids, I told them "0 or 4." Right now, at age 27, I'm feeling (strongly) like zero. Thankfully, I have a wonderful fiance who is okay with not kaving kids, is okay with adopting, and has no strong desire for bio kids. I feel like adoption is truly one of the greatest things that you can do and I am totally in awe of people who do it.


ETA: @WannaBMrsH,

I too have visions of being stuck in carpool hell.

I babysat for about a decade of my life, and I did carpooling, homework, cleaning up pee, and poops, the screaming and crying, the laughing and playing, all the imaginary games, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the pictures and crafts, the sporting events, etc and they were all good experiences that made me who I am, but did not leave me feeling like if I missed out on parenting, that I would miss out on life.

 

[TooPatient]

Sorry if this is long, a little background first:

I used to want kids. Loved them. All ages. I taught for a few years, was a nanny, all that.

Then FF showed up with a daughter from previous marriage. We were a family. I was content and didn''t feel strongly one way or the other at having more.

The ex-wife ruined that. The kid turned into an emotional mess that psychologists couldn''t fix. And then the mother made threats and we haven''t seen the kid in 2 years.
I decided I really didn''t want kids. She had been a mess. I gave up a job, had early mornings, late nights, doubled the amount of cleaning I had to do, weekend trip got called off, etc. And she didn''t appreciate any of it.

FF is older than me. He is 53 and I am 24. He has already had kids and doesn''t care one way or the other. I am torn. Some days I would love to have kids to teach and help and guide into people, grandkids, holidays with our family.
Other days I don''t want anything to do with them. I''m tired, the animals are enough to care for, etc.
Oh. And his ex-wife is still making life miserable (divorce was final 5 years ago). She gets child support, he pays ALL of the private school tuition ($18,000/year), and he has to pay 60% of all childcare (which turns out to be about $1200/month -- for a 10 year old).

Unless I can get a high paying job, we''d have a kid in public school wearing sale clothing and skipping summer camps while this other kid gets private school & camps & $300 dresses &&&&&.
I''m not willing to wait until that kid is 21 (he has to pay for her college through age 21) before having a kid (if we had a kid). That would make FF 64 and me 35.


Sorry for the semi-vent/rant.

Anyway, I currently DO NOT WANT KIDS. People keep saying I''m too young to decide that. I''ll change my mind. When I''m old I''ll feel like I missed out on something.

I hate holidays. There are so many activities for the kids. There are entire services just for "families". Last year the "family service" was the only service. So we can either skip the services or be the only people sitting off to the side without a kid. We don''t have family near us so we are alone (just us and the cats & dog) for holidays. Worse still, people feel sorry for us and invite us to their homes where we get to listen all night to what the kids practiced in school. Last time one of the kids asked when we were going to have a baby of our own. (did I mention the kid who asked was 12)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/16/2009 1:35:06 PM
Author: TooPatient
Sorry if this is long, a little background first:

I used to want kids. Loved them. All ages. I taught for a few years, was a nanny, all that.

Sorry for the semi-vent/rant.

Anyway, I currently DO NOT WANT KIDS. People keep saying I''m too young to decide that. I''ll change my mind. When I''m old I''ll feel like I missed out on something.

I hate holidays. There are so many activities for the kids. There are entire services just for ''families''. Last year the ''family service'' was the only service. So we can either skip the services or be the only people sitting off to the side without a kid. We don''t have family near us so we are alone (just us and the cats & dog) for holidays. Worse still, people feel sorry for us and invite us to their homes where we get to listen all night to what the kids practiced in school. Last time one of the kids asked when we were going to have a baby of our own. (did I mention the kid who asked was 12)

Yeah, the biggest loss that I anticipate from not having kids is the loss of closeness/commonality with other friends as they start their families. I remember being twenty when a little girl that I babysat informed me that I was going to be a mommy soon.

We are trained from a young age to expect all women to be/want-to-be moms. I already see this with my FBIL and FSIL... they have two kids, and our lives are totally different. Theirs are work and soccer practices, and school and piano lessons, coaching football, family trips to the zoo, homework and caring for an infant. Ours are whatever we feel like on a given day. It''s hard to bridge the gap and find things to talk about with my FSIL, I feel like we have little in common, and it makes me sad. I''d like us to be closer, to be able to chat on the phone casually, but it feels like work to do it, and she always ends up having to go to attend to the kids.

I only have one or two friends with kids, and their lives are just very different from mine. That is what I will/do regret about the kid/no kid thing.

 

[princesss]

Trill, I''m pretty much "0 or 2" but leaning more towards 2. BF does want a bio kid, but has known for about 4 years that it may never actually happen. I''m happy with a mixed bio/adopted family so that''s the goal.

I definitely understand the draw of the childfree lifestyle, and I''ve got a ton of respect for people who realize they don''t want to be parents and don''t have kids. It''s honestly not a lot of fun to go against the norm and deal with being questioned all the time (like you don''t know yourself at all!).

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/16/2009 1:35:06 PM
Author: TooPatient
I hate holidays. There are so many activities for the kids. There are entire services just for ''families''. Last year the ''family service'' was the only service. So we can either skip the services or be the only people sitting off to the side without a kid. We don''t have family near us so we are alone (just us and the cats & dog) for holidays. Worse still, people feel sorry for us and invite us to their homes where we get to listen all night to what the kids practiced in school. Last time one of the kids asked when we were going to have a baby of our own. (did I mention the kid who asked was 12)

I just want to share that we *always* go to the family services because they are shorter (!) and, typically, warmer than the adult services. We always see a lot of other people without kids there, so it might be worth checking out if you haven''t been. (Not because of the shorter bit, but because you may be surprised to find that there are other childless couples there.)

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/16/2009 2:12:20 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 9/16/2009 1:35:06 PM
Author: TooPatient
I hate holidays. There are so many activities for the kids. There are entire services just for ''families''. Last year the ''family service'' was the only service. So we can either skip the services or be the only people sitting off to the side without a kid. We don''t have family near us so we are alone (just us and the cats & dog) for holidays. Worse still, people feel sorry for us and invite us to their homes where we get to listen all night to what the kids practiced in school. Last time one of the kids asked when we were going to have a baby of our own. (did I mention the kid who asked was 12)

I just want to share that we *always* go to the family services because they are shorter (!) and, typically, warmer than the adult services. We always see a lot of other people without kids there, so it might be worth checking out if you haven''t been. (Not because of the shorter bit, but because you may be surprised to find that there are other childless couples there.)

Been to several. Some of the holidays only have the family service. Those usually have some people without kids, but not many. And most of them are elderly. They really do turn them into a kid or parent & kid event. Games (father/daughter, father/son), mother/daughter cooking, kid processions, etc.

Visited a different place to see how their community is. It was even worse.

 

[Haven]

TooPatient--That sounds like a carnival, not a service!
That''s definitely not what ours our like. That''s too bad.