Yesterday''s Tyra Banks Show - Put A Ring On It

[SuiteLady]

Did anyone catch it?

http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/2009/01/backstage_secret_put_a_ring_on.phphttp://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/

It featured three couples in various stages of pre-engagement/pre-marriage.

1. Couple dating and living together for years. He doesn''t want to get married and was extremely vocal about it. She wants to get married...BADLY. She vowed to stick around because she loves him. They are featured in the picture in the above link.
2. Couple dating and engaged for YEARS. They set three dates. They live together and own a house together. He doesn''t want to get married until the finances are right, but asked her to have a baby. She wants to set a date and stick with it.
3. Couple dating for months and engaged for months. He proposed to stop her from nagging him.

The resident expert was the author of "The Get Your Man to Marry You Plan: Buying the Cow in the Age of Free Milk" book. LOL

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Man-Marry-You-Plan-Buying-Free/dp/0312380577/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1231347289&sr=8-1

OK. I know that *I* shouldn’t talk about anyone. But I was so disgusted with the first couple. I wasn''t mad at him, but very upset with her. He didn’t hem and haw or waver. He said that he didn’t want to get married within her timeline. The lady didn’t hear it. She kept saying, ‘Well the wedding doesn’t have to happen tomorrow.” Tyra was like, “He said that he didn’t even want to be engaged to. you.” I hoped and prayed that the girl would get some backbone and stand up and walk away. But she couldn’t do it. I felt sad for her. I saw the tears well up in her eyes and I hurt for her. I would have been mortified! But the superficial side of me came out. I understand why she wants to hang on to him. He is good looking and he definitely could wear a suit.

Just joking, but when a man tells you something, you should listen. There is no amount of anything that will get him to change his mind.

Regarding the book…The next time that I am at Borders, I think that I am going to thumb through it. If it is a good/fun read, I might even purchase it. Not because I need it or anything. lol

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I wasn''t able to look at the link (I''m at work) but it seems like it was an interesting show.

I love the title of that book "buying the cow in the age or free milk." And I might also have to have a looksee at it next time I''m at the bookstore. Sidenote, "Why Men Marry Bitches" is a good one. I used a couple tactics out of that book for just a couple days and SO was spellbound by me. Haha.

Cool topic. Thanks for sharing!

 

[KatM]

the book sort of looks like His Cold Feet which was also pretty good. i''ll have to check it out the next time i''m at the bookstore

 

[LaraOnline]

aaargh, this kind of situation makes me feel really angry (for the girl)
If the guy doesn''t want to marry HE should develop some backbone, stop milking that girl and WALK AWAY. What on earth does his mother think about his behaviour?

I''m not really sure why so many men feel entitled to access women - who, they quickly discover, are not ''in it for the fun'', but are trying to get their lives together!
the pill has really encouraged men to lean, hard... I guess they always did, but many seem so very oblivious to the realities for women.

Okay, so the box says 99.9 percent accuracy, but we all know some girl who has gotten pregnant accidentally! When we go with a guy we are taking that risk, and the men seem happy to just completely pay no heed to that kind of commitment we make, from the first weeks of intimacy in!

And yet, if you want to marry, should you say ''no''? Hmmm, I wasnt'' raised religious, and so I always thought perhaps it was an unrealistic choice, but since being married I have met a couple of really happily married virgin brides... it''s opened my eyes, particularly in comparison with the misery so many women get put through by their guys in the pre-marriage dance!


*puff* *pant* *end of rant for now*

 

[SuiteLady]

Lara, that is an interesting perspective.

But why is it the man''s responsibility to walk away? In this particular situation, he is content in the relationship and happy with the way that things are. There is no incentive to walk away. The woman on the other hand is the one that was unhappy and crying. I think that if someone is miserable, then they should take the appropriate actions to become "unmiserable".

I always say that if you want to get married, then you should definitely be with a man that wants to be married. Its even better if he wants to get married to you. If you want to party and kick it, then you should be with a man that parties. I think that there are so many women who try to turn the bachelor/playboy type into the "marrying man" and go out of their way to get him to see the benefits of marriage. But the reality of the situation is that a man is going to do what a man wants to do and he will do it on his own timeline.

I understand the attraction with the bachelor type. Let''s face it...The eternal bachelors are usually the ones that are the most dreamy

. I mean look at George Clooney

. LOL

 

[LaraOnline]

The man should walk away...for honour, I guess.
It''s wrong to use someone in a way that is not working for them, as an adult he shoud take responsibility. She is not in a position to walk away because she has already committed, through her actions, and is emotionally bound.

Also, I think current popular culture conspires against women. Right through my twenties - and I think this is partly the guys I was hanging around, although I didn''t hang out with a particularly marginal crowd, by any means - there was a strong anti-marriage culture. It was nihilistic in some way, or at least rather adolescent in its sentiments.

And yet, every woman I know is acutely aware that she is risking pregnancy by being with a particular man. How can marriage not be on the agenda for a woman?

Bachelor types - mmm, George Clooney. I see what you mean! But it is definitely a case of getting the cow for free.

It''s not one-size-fits-all though.... now that I HAVE married, and particularly now I have children, I could see a time in later years where, if something happens to my man, I would not want to marry again. But living together arrangements didn''t properly meet my inner needs as a young woman. That''s why finding this forum was such a revelation for me. Until PS, it seemed like my own little anxiety. Now I see it is a common experience for women.

I was awfully surprised when my husband proposed, it was like how imagined love would be, all along! I had just been told not to expect it, (by everybody else in my life,from the media down) that''s all.

 

[LaraOnline]

Perhaps when MRI scans develop, and as we plot the brain, and scientific understandings of love/ sex and their effects on the brain, improve, we will see exactly how men and women benefit from their social couplings...
it might lead to a few interesting conclusions about our assumptions relating to romance...

 

[that_someone_special]

I didn''t see it, but how sad is that?!?!

I can see what that girl is going through, and at many times felt that way even though BF says, "YES I want to marry you. YES I want to have kids with you." But sometimes in the "waiting period" I hear.. "BLAH BLAH NOT NOW, BLAH BLAH MAYBE LATER" = "NO, NO, NO!"

 

[happygolucky851]

I hope I would be able to walk away if i was in the 1st couple''s situation! he seems so arrogant!!!

 

[SuiteLady]

Date: 1/7/2009 7:45:50 PM
Author: LaraOnline
the pill has really encouraged men to lean, hard... I guess they always did, but many seem so very oblivious to the realities for women.

I thought that this was interesting...Here''s an article that states that the pill affects a woman''s choice in partners.

 

[fieryred33143]

The reason why I don’t watch the Tyra show even though I love her is because she is very girl-sided. In all three of those cases, she brought on the stereotypical situations. What about situations where the woman doesn’t want to marry him but still moves in? Or the situation where the girl isn’t interested in the wedding and keeps pushing the date? Or the girl that doesn’t pressure the guy at all?

In very stereotypical, common situations ‘psychologist’ can say whatever they want because it’s all been heard and said before.

And any book that refers to women as cows and refers to men as the ones to buy those cows will never make my book shelf.

 

[Pushin40]

Tyra drives me insane.....I swear half of her brain is missing!

 

[SuiteLady]

Date: 1/8/2009 12:19:53 PM
Author: Pushin40
Tyra drives me insane.....I swear half of her brain is missing!

Ha! Me too. The problem is that she is a grown tailed woman who is on a show that appeals and is targeted to a younger demographic. She is desperately trying to appeal to the younger audience and in the end she ends up looking like a 6 foot tall tool.

 

[Sizzle]

Maya Angelou once said when someone shows you who they are, who they REALLY are, believe them. If that first man ever wants to get married, he apparently doesn''t want to marry HER. She needs to get some self esteem and MOVE ON!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/8/2009 11:53:33 AM
Author: SuiteLady

Date: 1/7/2009 7:45:50 PM

Author: LaraOnline

the pill has really encouraged men to lean, hard... I guess they always did, but many seem so very oblivious to the realities for women.

I thought that this was interesting...Here's an article that states that the pill affects a woman's choice in partners.

Yes, it's interesting, it's like the body has been biologically 'pushed' to the next stage...
I have a strongly held theory that humans are like... well, any other animals, really, and that nesting behaviour is less a choice than an instinct.
Regular 'relating' with a guy will inexorably lead to partnering behaviours, (preparing for impending children) regardless of whether that guy is good for you - and regardless of what he's telling you, and even what your culture is telling you.

Men's nesting behaviour, on the other hand, probably biologically revolves around turning up at your door really often and creating opportunities for conception! Until the children turn up, anyway.
How many men have stuck by you through thick and thin, manfully withstanding your anxieties regarding marriage (but definitely not volunteering to marry). They probably experience the desire to marry as a rather secondary, cultural 'event' that is, if anything, related to family planning. After all, their biological destiny is being fulfilled by being a steady and reliable sexual partner!

Fieryred's points were quite interesting. I have a female friend who kept delaying the date, finally she had a scare, the guy had a flirtation with another girl and she has decided to marry.
She is not at all motivated 'intimacy-wise'

, has serious health and fertility problems and is frightened by the prospect of having to meet with doctors to investigate conceiving children. She also has many family issues, and on top of this was reluctant to face the issues related to organising the 'wedding of her dreams'.

While I know that of course there are women that are less motivated to pair-bond than men, I would say that cultural pressures, and probably gender politics, conspire with biology to make women generally have more complex, longer-term goals in romance, and so are more likely to be disappointed with the outcomes of the romances they do participate in.

In some ways, I think this 'disappointment' can be very debilitating to women, and mark their lives quite deeply. This can also play out in the relationships they develop with their children.

I'm sorry if that sounds old-fashioned...

Perhaps this post should be cut and posted to the Teen Abstinence thread in ATW, or the thread on Scientific Proof for True Love! Sorry girls if I come across as heavy, this is just an incredibly interesting topic (marriage as cultural - or even biological - imperative) for me!!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/9/2009 10:52:14 PM
Author: LaraOnline



the pill has really encouraged men to lean, hard... I guess they always did, but many seem so very oblivious to the realities for women.

I think the social implications of marriage are interesting in light of later marriage ages and the bounds of fertility. People used to get married much younger, but life expectancy was lower. I feel no pressure to marry, since I don''t want kids. My partner is committed and faithful, and wants to marry me. Neither engagement or marriage will change that fact. Maybe someone should study the biology and psychology of women who don''t want to reproduce. Maybe I am missing a gene or something.

 

[Nocturnius]

I agree with SuiteLady.

There is a difference between using a woman and just... not wanting to get married.

As she said, the man in the first relationship is happy. He in''t just using her. He clearly loves her and everything. He just doesn''t want to get married. SHE is the one discontent with the status of the relationship, not him. It is, then, her responsibility to grow up and walk away.

 

[whitby_2773]

for LARAONLINE (and all those other women out there who dont understand why women hang around eternally)

hi Lara

you mentioned MRI''s and the differences in the gendered brain. there''s actually over 200 differences in the gendered brains, one of which is the size of the area that controls altruism. unfortunately, evolution, God, fate and the furies - whatever you like - has conspired against women to give them a significant;y larger part of the brain that controls altruism. it''s evolution''s (or whatever''s) way of ensuring the continued care and nurture of our young; ie our bodies worked out a long time ago that nobody would stay and care for our young unless a center was built into our brains impelling us to do so. so women, who are also more physically tied to the offspring of the species, now have a much larger emotional imperative to do so also.

interestingly tho.... (and this is fascinating)....

after menopause, that area of the brain shrinks to about the same size as a man''s and...(and here''s the FASCINATING part)....

most divorces are initiated by women - by a huge percentage. pre menopause, the vast majority of divorces are instigated by men (those instigated by women fall most often into the ''he had an affair'' category, and thus really fall into the ''instigated by men'' category). but after menopause, and after this area of the brain shrinks, it''s women who think "hell! i''m sick of looking after this oversized parasite! i''m outta here!"

fascinating stuff, isnt it?

 

[Steel]

Thanks for posting this Suitelady,

It makes me sad; we all lie to ourselves. One day she will see herself on TV and realise how she lied to herself. Hopefully sooner rather than later, and hopefully she will be in a better place.