What is engagement to you?

[mmi]

Hey all,
I have something on my mind and I was wondering if anyone felt the same way. I'm having some trouble getting excited about engagement. It's not that I'm not excited to marry SO. I think it's the opposite. To me right now, engagement is really just a formality. When we get engaged, we will have been together (and actively discussing marriage) for 7.5 years. I know that is a lot longer than most of the relationships here on LIW, so I was wondering if I was alone in feeling this because of the length of our relationship. I should point out that we don't live together though. Really all I want at this point is to get married and start a home. The thought of him getting on one knee and proposing feels kind of... silly? Unnecessary? Awkward? I don't know how to describe it. At the same time, if I didn't get a formal proposal, I would probably feel like I was missing out on something (probably because I've been conditioned to feel this way).

So what is engagement to you? Please specify whether you've been together a short while or a long ass time ( ). For me right now, it's just a means to an end.

mmi

 

[LJL]

SO and I have been together now for almost three years and have been living together for almost all of that time. We have the same daily schedule so we are literally together 23.5 hours a day (at least). I think that living together is part of why I think its a formality... we share all of our expenses and take care of two dogs that we co-own. However, I imagine that if we'd been together for 7 years, I would feel pretty much the same about the formality aspect. But I don't think it makes me any less exciting to be engaged eventually. I get the line "but your practically engaged" A LOT and THAT drives me nuts. Yeah, practically....then I whisper screw you to myself.

Is it a formality? Yes. Am I annoyed with it? No, but maybe if it had been 7 years, yes. However, not sure I'd last that long in a relationship without an engagement at this point in my life.

 

[mmi]

Thanks, LJL.

I should also point out that we are only 23 and 25. However, we've been fully committed since day 1 and have made future plans to get married pretty much since the beginning. None of this on again off again stuff. We are getting to the point now where marriage is financially feasible.

Another way to describe what I'm feeling is that I don't want another STAGE of the relationship, I just want to get to the last stage. We've been "engaged" for years (if you define that as committed to getting married), just not formally so. We've been referred to as "the old married couple" for years. I guess neither of us has anything to "prove", for lack of a better word, by doing the whole proposal and ring thing. Is it really worth this man spending 5k on a diamond ring to show his love and commitment, when he has been showing that consistently for over 7 years?

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I could change my mind tomorrow... I could change it to: "I've waited quite a while, I think I deserve a ring!"

 

[LJL]

We are also young - 23 and 24. I get it. Seems like a lot of people are on-again, off-again or that theyre just not in the same adult-like situation. Some days I think I'm where you're at- sort of over it. Then I remember I am sick of seeing every one else's rings, especially the people who haven't been together as long - or hearing people give me crap about planning on buying a house with him because "come on, you aren't even engaged to him yet!"
Sounds crappy but I think we care about the ring/stage so much when we think of other people but when we're actually thinking about ourselves, we just want to be married because thats the stage that we already feel where we're at. Engagement DOES feel like just another step and like its only one to show other people how cool/special we are.

Sometimes I think I just want it so that I can wedding plan and all that girly stuff without catching crap from the SO or other people.

 

[mjertl]

My BF and I are both 29, and both have very "grown up" careers. We've been together for 9 1/2 months now, which sounds like nothing, but it feels like we've known each other forever. I've known that he's "The One" since about a month in, and we've been ring shopping etc since early summer. We've both had prior serious relationships - him a 2ish year marriage in his early 20s, me a 6 year on and off long term relationship in my early-mid 20s.
I've also wondered about the same question you're asking. Since about 3 weeks into our relationship I've been writing my BF love letters, to give to him on our wedding day. I write them on major occasions (first time meeting his parents, 6 month anniversary, first time ring shopping, day he asked my dad for "permission," etc), and also just to tell him how overwhelmed I am by my love for him, or to remind him I beat him in darts! Sometimes I realize that the things I'm writing sound very "vow-like," and I realize any vows I make to him on our wedding day are really just a formality, because I've already made those vows to him in my heart. Similarly, when I say "I can't wait to spend my life with you," that doesn't really make sense, because I already AM spending my life with him! I guess engagement just falls into that same category of formality, especially because I know it's coming next week, etc. BUT, I think there will be a subtle shift in the way I feel after it's "official," and I'll feel more "bonded" to him. Also, I'm going to be super pumped to get that ring on my finger!!!

 

[kateydid05]

I felt the exact same way. My SO and I have been together for 7 years and got engaged this past August. The engagement/marriage is just a formality to cement what we already have. Engagement is a stepping stone for the rest of the journey. I find I am more excited to own a home with my SO than to actually get married (not be married but the whole wedding thing).

I should also say that I thought the whole engagement thing was awkward/silly/unnecessary at first but when he actually proposed I was very happy and excited to move forward. Chances are you'll feel totally different when it actually happens.

 

[gem_anemone]

I see engagement, marriage and kids as just different parts of our journey through this life that we are choosing to spend together. My fiance and I had already made the choice to each other that we were going to be together forever, but now through engagement we have "officially" announced it to our friends and family. We have had to get used to calling each other fiance (it doesn't come easy! ). Since we've set a wedding date the fact that we will be married by July next year is a reality! Before it was like "yeah we'll get around to it when we have time", but now it's like..."omg July is in like 8 months!"

We voted yesterday and we live together. The old folks at the church are always so confused that we have the same address but different last names. This year I mentioned "you know, next year when we vote we are going to have the same last name!" It's little things like that that make engagement special and it doesn't last very long. One or two years of your life isn't really that long in the scheme of things! I say enjoy it while you can once it happens for you.

 

[Glitz]

I think of engagement & marriage as the cherry on top! We've also been together 7.5 years, I'm 27 and he's 25. We already purchased a house together and have been happily living together since practically our first date I feel like we have everything going for us and that the ring and wedding will just be icing on the cake + a huge party for our friends and family to finally celebrate our love with us.

 

[sonnyjane]

I've been married for three years now, but I agree with the sentiment that it's just a means to an end. We knew we were going to get married and had started planning the wedding before I had an engagement ring. In fact, he didn't give me the ring until 6 weeks before our wedding. Even though we were living together and knew we were getting married, he was still cute and "proposed", even though, um, duh, the answer was yes haha. I pretty much just equate "engagement" with "the time spent planning the wedding", and would not have wanted a long engagement. For reference, we moved in together when I was 24 after 1.5 years together and got married a year later. We probably would have gotten married even sooner after moving in together, but he was deployed for 7 months during that time.

 

[chloeishere]

We've been together a pretty long time ( 5 years and a month, now). It hasn't been on and off, either, we've been totally together the entire time. We started dating when he was almost 22 and I was 23 (I know, cradle robber ). We've been 100% living together for just under 2 years now.

In some ways, I would definitely say it is a means to an end-- I honestly don't care about "being engaged", I want to be married to the man I'm in love with, and that's what really counts, not the wedding or an expensive ring. But, in other ways, I am excited about being proposed to (to me, there is a difference between him saying "I love you", like he does multiple times a day, and being told, "I love you, and I want to be with you forever" in a proposal). And even though the ring is not terribly expensive (it's probably among the least expensive e-rings on pricescope), it is beautiful, a great representation of us, and already has a lot of sentimental value to me. At least, I believe it will once it arrives! And, I do kind of want to be able to "make it official"-- sure, we've been together a long time, and I think the next step is going to be a really exciting one.

As far as the wedding goes, I'd rather just elope but our families really want a wedding, so I guess we'll have to. Hopefully, cheap and small. But, I do want to be able to show my ring to my friends, and all that silly stuff, even if the marriage is what I'm most excited about!

So, I guess I don't really view the engagement as "just a formality" and I am excited about it, even though we've been together so long. I try not to assume our relationship is permanent until we've officially made the vows, for whatever reason. But, since we've been planning the ring and stuff, I do feel like we're pretty much engaged already, I just want the shiny, too!

 

[tuffyluvr]

I totally hear you. I feel like I would have been super excited about an engagement withing the first year or two of our relationship. We have been together about 5 years, I'm 32 and my guy is 31--there seem to be a lot of older women with younger guys on this thread!

It's not that I don't want to get engaged or care about getting engaged--I really do, but I feel like it's just going to be like, gaaaiiishhhh, fai-nuh-lee! I feel like quite a lot of the excitement has been lost with us being together for 5 years, and living together for over a year. I was excited about the prospect of getting engaged when we first moved in and started building a home together a year ago. But at this point I know that the ring is in the house, we have settled in to our home and I am just waiting around for him to propose. I know I want to be with him--I just want to get the wedding done so we can move on with the rest of it! If you can't tell from my tone, HE is the one who wants a wedding. The thought of planning a wedding is a nightmare to me! I would rather just elope!!!

 

[bee*]

I was with my DH for 8 years before we got engaged and I loved our engagement period. We had always been committed to getting married too but being engaged was so nice-it was full of excitement, hopes about the future and wedding planning was amazing. I get the hurry with wanting to get married especially when you're not living with each other but enjoy the engagement period-it's such a nice time.

 

[sonnyjane]

If you can't tell from my tone, HE is the one who wants a wedding. The thought of planning a wedding is a nightmare to me! I would rather just elope!!!

tuffy, my DH wanted a traditional wedding and I wanted to go down to the courthouse. I compromised by doing a destination elopement and honeymoon in Maui and being sure to send copies of the photos to all of his extended family. My parents also eloped so they were supportive. His parents were disappointed, but they got over it (at least they claim they have lol!). I do not for one second regret not having a big wedding. I think I may have regretted just going to the courthouse though. In hindsight, I'm really glad we at least went off and did something special for the two of us. Good luck! Hopefully you can reach a similar compromise!

 

[mmi]

Thanks everyone for replying!

I suspect that some of you are right when you say that after you DO get engaged, it's a more exciting time. I imagine it will be. Plus we might finally be moving in together during that period so that could be interesting! (and fun!) It will be interesting to see how I handle all these changes to our relationship because since we've been in college (~'06-'07), NOTHING has really changed in our relationship. Except growing closer together of course. It will be... interesting, but I will be sure to chime in here for some advice!

 

[MayFlowers]

mmi, I feel kind of the same way that you do. I have been with my BF for almost 5 years. We already know we want to get married and sometimes we both feel like we are married. His family treats me like family and to them, I'm not "just a girlfriend".

But, I do still feel like the engagement period will be very different. I think just the fact of knowing that we now have set plans to be husband and wife will change our perspective and get us very excited!

 

[maebelle]

In some ways, I would definitely say it is a means to an end-- I honestly don't care about "being engaged", I want to be married to the man I'm in love with, and that's what really counts, not the wedding or an expensive ring. But, in other ways, I am excited about being proposed to (to me, there is a difference between him saying "I love you", like he does multiple times a day, and being told, "I love you, and I want to be with you forever" in a proposal). And even though the ring is not terribly expensive (it's probably among the least expensive e-rings on pricescope), it is beautiful, a great representation of us, and already has a lot of sentimental value to me. At least, I believe it will once it arrives! And, I do kind of want to be able to "make it official"-- sure, we've been together a long time, and I think the next step is going to be a really exciting one.

As far as the wedding goes, I'd rather just elope but our families really want a wedding, so I guess we'll have to. Hopefully, cheap and small. But, I do want to be able to show my ring to my friends, and all that silly stuff, even if the marriage is what I'm most excited about!

So, I guess I don't really view the engagement as "just a formality" and I am excited about it, even though we've been together so long. I try not to assume our relationship is permanent until we've officially made the vows, for whatever reason. But, since we've been planning the ring and stuff, I do feel like we're pretty much engaged already, I just want the shiny, too!

This! (Right down to the fact that I want a light tone sapphire)

 

[swingirl]

You can be engaged for as short or as long as you want. Once you get engaged you can start planning the wedding details. Again this can take a week or a year. And you don't need a traditional engagement ring. Figure out what you want instead of what you don't want and go from there.

I detect a hint on boredom in your tone. Maybe it's just hard to imagine moving forward. But I don't know a single woman that didn't feel something had changed once they got engaged. I think you will, too.

 

[Jessie702]

I understand how you feel. I think most PS ladies do, if they have been with their SO for a certain amount of time. My SO and I have been together for 4 years, in 5 days exactly. While we dont live together, we are engaged. No active wedding planning on my end though, because I am SUPER stressed and broke with school. Im 24, and he is 48, so I see no rush. Besides, I am moving in with him in about a month during my winter break. Im excited to "play house" and by than, we will hopefully set a date, since this christmas is the 1 year mark of our engagement.

 

[Mico]

I had to resurface this great thread. I agree with many of the posters that even though I already feel engaged, the proposal is something that seems to be something we've been "conditioned" to look forward to.

Is it really a formality? I still feel like i'm in limbo

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

great thread to resurface mico!

i'm kinda iffy on this...engagement wont really change anything...its not going to make us get married faster (we have a timeline for that). We already live together, our families already see us as a serious couple. We do the family thing with my siblings etc, they even buy him bday gifts and consider him BIL. We travel, we have mutual married friends who see us as future married couple...

I guess i really wont know what engagement is to me until it happens. I feel the older i get, the more other "priorities" get in the way and it does come off as a "formality". I'm not saying i won't enjoy it, but i feel like when i get older and we are already essentially "playing house"...what really changes??

But at the same time, i would feel cheated if he didnt put time and effort into the proposal...

Oh well he can go on my health insurance...and i can go on his car insurance...

I guess thats a good perk haha.

 

[Chewbacca]

Really interesting thread!

For me, while I have lived with my SO (for a year), and we plan with each other in mind, I still feel that we haven't completely 'settled' together. We have no shared pets, our bills are our own, we split everything down the middle, etc. I guess its also an emotional thing!

We have been together for 5 and a half years, and for us engagement will mean 'yes, I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you'.

So its a very exciting thought for me!!

If we had already assured each other those kinds of things, and lived a little more like a committed married-type couple, then I would for sure think of it just as a formality before the wedding.

 

[madelise]

Good thread.

Disclaimer: This is all ME, myself and I talking here. People have been finding my posts as "insensitive" or "insulting". So if you're easily insulted, then don't read. If you're sensitive, don't read. Thanks. Because I'm totally pouring my soul out here, and there are no intentions to insult anyone. I'm sharing my views, which this thread asks for.

I actually think of this in a different way than most. Let me explain:

People ask us /mention all the time: You're practically engaged anyway! What defines this "practically engaged" for all these people? Time, current age and finances. We've been together for almost 3 years. We're at the "age" where people marry. We are financially.. well, I'm financially almost-dependant on him. We have the same checking account that he puts $ into every month. He gives me that "allowance" per month. (It used to be that we were BOTH depositing $ into that account, and using that account to save up as well as pay for rent, groceries and utilities, but we no longer live together so now it's just my little nest egg.. In case anyone feels I'm a moocher here. I'm back as a full-time student, in which we both feel BOTH our futures will benefit on financially.). So, with these facts in mind, okay sure, "we're practically engaged".

But are we?

Let me tell you another thing I've noticed in my peers, whether friends, acquaintances, coworkers or classmates. Modern day = people living together for YEARS, even having children together, and never marrying. Some even call each other husband and wife, but they're never legally tied the knot. Some even had ceremonies!

So is it all a formality? I think so. and I refuse to be one of those people living together for years, having children together, and never marrying. I refuse to call him my husband until he rightfully and legally is so. I don't want to give him the privilege of having everything "wifely" of me, without actually making me his wife. I don't think that I'm old-fashioned in this matter, as I do realize I can have legal documents to ensure my financial safety and Power of Attorney over each other, so that we can have full rights over each other, without being next of kins. But I have no other way of explaining it. I just don't.

I also refuse to be one of those couples that are stuck in the limbo of "engagement" for forever. There are too many of my peers that are "engaged", whether it be with or without a ring. They don't know when their wedding will be. They don't have any immediate plans for a wedding. It's just a label. I think that label's useless. (This is why I applied the disclaimer, lol, because SOMEONE who is in what I consider engagement limbo, will flag this post to Ella and I'll get in trouble again.. naughty Madelise.). To me, that's just a I don't want an engagement if there are no imminent plans for a marriage. Isn't that what an engagement is for? To go forth with a marriage? And I totally get that people want to enjoy their engagement bliss. I get that. I do, too. But that bliss lasts, what.. 6 months, max? If there are ZERO plans of moving forward, and planning nuptials after 6 months of being engaged, I really don't feel like the couple is truly "engaged". They're committed, sure. But what's the stalling for? To reach a goal before getting hitched? Why get "engaged" then? Why not wait until that goal is reached to be "engaged"?

I'm half Chinese. Chinese tradition is to throw a HUGE engagement party for everyone and anyone in the village to attend, to celebrate an engagement. In Chinese, the words "engaged" is literally 2 characters representing "reserving marriage". I guess I take it a bit literally. Most people throw a wedding within a year of that "reserving marriage". Heck, back in the day, within days, weeks or just a few months!

SO is Pakistani. Their culture also throws a huge engagement party. I believe the sentiment is similar.

So I guess engagement to me means that I am actively planning an imminent wedding. It is my official "okay" from the SO to go ahead and plan. It is the official announcement to everyone we know that we will be getting married soon.

 

[slg47]

mmi-i think my FI felt similarly to you about engagement/marriage. when we got engaged, we had been together for 3+ years and had been living together for almost a year. he saw it as more of a formality, because he already knew he wanted to be engaged/married (I did too, but I saw it as a bigger deal I suppose).

 

[pandabee]

madelise, I must applaud you. I agree with everything you have said (even if lurkers disagree...same goes for the other thread actually, while we're on that topic). engagement should just be a transition state (and I am Chinese so I fully understand the literal translation for most things as it is quite logical) so I agree with all the points you have made.

 

[Phdecorate]

SO and I have been living together for almost four years. We bought a house together a little over 2 years ago. When we first got together, we had both been married before so we made some plans of what we wanted to accomplish together. First, we had some remnants of divorce to clear up. Then, even though we expected it to be great, etc, that is why we moved in together, we wanted to test it out and make sure it was working. Next, we started looking for a permanent place. We thought we would build and were hours away from signing on a piece of property before some stuff about the particular piece came up and we backed out. We then decided to buy. It took awhile to find the house, then to negotiate the price was another 6 mos. It all worked out and we moved in. We felt it was important for it to be fully furnished, decorated, all put together, so that those expenses would be behind us. (I mean, to me, there are still little things to add, but if someone came in, they wouldn't see where anything was needed, but obviously, decorating is my "thing" so.....) We paid cash for it all and it was an expensive year!!!!

Now..........we have come to the final piece of the plan, and that is move forward and get married. We have been talking about marriage since we moved in together. We have looked at rings for close to 3 years, but it has only been recently that we have gotten very serious about it. We felt like we needed to establish ourselves as a unit. We have shared expenses, a joint mortgage, we have saved up a lot (again, after the house stuff), so now we are secure enough to take the next step, as well as, we can ENJOY it. Everyone has an idea of how much savings they need to proceed with something, etc...ours may be higher than most, I guess. Again, we are older, and we have both done this before...

So even though we plan to be married in probably October, and I am looking at venues and checking out dresses, etc online, I have not told ANYONE, except my parents and you ladies any of it. None of my friends, co-workers, etc. SO told one of his brothers, that's it. We talk about our plans, we discuss ideas for a honeymoon, I asked for his vision of what my dress might look like (I was curious what he would say and he said........SHORT with lace...?! I got him to elaborate with some pics, and he seems to picture knee length or tea length, kind of a-line but not too poufy, as he finds it sexier than a gown? Hmm.....)

Engagement to me is the moment he OFFICIALLY asks, puts the ring on my finger and then we can tell everyone. Not that I am planning to tell that many people, I figure they will notice the bling instead!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Now..........we have come to the final piece of the plan, and that is move forward and get married. We have been talking about marriage since we moved in together. We have looked at rings for close to 3 years, but it has only been recently that we have gotten very serious about it. We felt like we needed to establish ourselves as a unit. We have shared expenses, a joint mortgage, we have saved up a lot (again, after the house stuff), so now we are secure enough to take the next step, as well as, we can ENJOY it. Everyone has an idea of how much savings they need to proceed with something, etc...ours may be higher than most, I guess. Again, we are older, and we have both done this before...

This would be exactly what would be holding me up...i want to be stable and in a good spot so that we can enjoy it, not be stressed out about how we are unable to save money etc...I know my DBF wants to be engaged by the end of next year he is much older than me (mid 30's), and i think since he "knows" he wants to be with me he just wants to move forward. I am more a planner, and i want to make sure all my "ducks are in a row" so-to-speak. I want to be done school and in my career so we can start paying off debt and save for a house, wedding etc. We are definitely a "unit" and he is definitely my rock. I know i can trust him with anything and it will all work out. I just think for both of us to "enjoy it" (or really for me to enjoy it), i can't be worrying about money haha.

@madelise, i also agree with some of the points you have made and i love the bright red disclaimer, maybe that should be put in our signatures

 

[Phdecorate]

Now..........we have come to the final piece of the plan, and that is move forward and get married. We have been talking about marriage since we moved in together. We have looked at rings for close to 3 years, but it has only been recently that we have gotten very serious about it. We felt like we needed to establish ourselves as a unit. We have shared expenses, a joint mortgage, we have saved up a lot (again, after the house stuff), so now we are secure enough to take the next step, as well as, we can ENJOY it. Everyone has an idea of how much savings they need to proceed with something, etc...ours may be higher than most, I guess. Again, we are older, and we have both done this before...

This would be exactly what would be holding me up...i want to be stable and in a good spot so that we can enjoy it, not be stressed out about how we are unable to save money etc...I know my DBF wants to be engaged by the end of next year he is much older than me (mid 30's), and i think since he "knows" he wants to be with me he just wants to move forward. I am more a planner, and i want to make sure all my "ducks are in a row" so-to-speak. I want to be done school and in my career so we can start paying off debt and save for a house, wedding etc. We are definitely a "unit" and he is definitely my rock. I know i can trust him with anything and it will all work out. I just think for both of us to "enjoy it" (or really for me to enjoy it), i can't be worrying about money haha.

@madelise, i also agree with some of the points you have made and i love the bright red disclaimer, maybe that should be put in our signatures

RSG, I mean LLC , I think this is very smart. I wasn't that smart the first time around. We were well on our way, true, and my parents were generous enough to pay for the entire wedding (very costly), but still.....we were engaged for close to 1.5 years as I wanted a fall wedding, but in retrospect, it became more about the wedding as the experience than it was about experiencing the wedding. Uhhhhh, does that make sense? This time around, I can really FEEL the difference. We want a short engagement, all the little things seem fun to me in a giddy, I-get-to-marry-my-best-friend-soon and it will be perfect for us, even if its not perfect. SO is very $$ conservative, with everything, it is good for me, but it is a balance sometimes as I have expensive taste. Too expensive lots of the time. But it really does feel good to know that we are planning for our future together at the same time. So if finishing school and all that stuff gives you a goal and something to look forward to, I think it is sensible and practical as well as it means it will be so much sweeter all the way around when you do get engaged and plan a wedding!

Also, madelise, I agree with everyone regarding the other thread..........bull****.....I like the red disclaimer too. I mean, it is a FORUM, right..... If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen (sounds like something my grandmother would have said )

 

[Ella]

Ladies, please do not drag drama into this thread too.

 

[maebelle]

Seriously! Let's just drop it, ok? This isn't Ella picking on you, she is just trying to keep everything civil.

 

[princesss]

Engagement for me is the planning period before marriage. However long it takes you to plan is your own business, but in my mind that's the only purpose of engagement - to plan the wedding.

And as for the other thread - really, can we just leave it? Honestly, I think comments like the ones made there and the ones carried over to this one are part of the reason a lot of people don't post here. There were such rude, judgmental comments thrown around that I would have felt totally unwelcome if I were a newbie, somebody that loves illusion settings, or somebody who is trying to get the best bang for their limited budget. And then to carry it in here. Honestly, there is a difference between opinion and fact, and no matter how many disclaimers you add, if you can't state your opinion without respecting that other people see things differently (or even allowing for that possibility) it's no wonder people felt more comfortable reporting the thread than speaking up.