What I won''t be getting for Christmas...an e-ring

[snuga]

So after months of many hints and suggestive talks, my boyfriend gave me the indication that "Christmas time" might actually be "proposal time"... not so much anymore.. I heard him on the phone with his mom, who wants him to propose as much as I do (if you can believe it) and he was telling her how it just wouldn''t happen soon, he didn''t have the money (his hours were cut back from work, and he needs to pay rent/bills/car/etc) so the "e-ring fund" was suffering. Anyways, I talked to him about his conversation and he said that a proposal definitely won''t happen around Christmas. He admitted that it was his original plan, but recently realized he would not be able to get the ring in time.

So what''s a girl to do? Our "deadline for engagement" is 9 months, but he said that it didn''t mean 0-9 months, it was more like 3-9 months.. hum bug.. I guess I was hoping for girl soon and he is thinking boy soon.

Just thought I would vent my sadness..

I know lots of LIW have had deadlines come and go.. How do you deal? What makes you keep your sanity? Has anyone else had this happen to them? I''m just so sad I could cry...

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohh, I''m so sorry Kalispera!!

My boyfriend hasn''t actually missed a deadline (yet) but I still know how disappointing it is to think it''s coming and then find out no, not yet.... Hopefully it won''t be too long though!!! I don''t know anything about your situation, but for me and my boyfriend, I''ve been taking a little bit more of our financial burden (we live together) right now as he''s been buying the ring. He doesn''t want me to pay anything towards the ring officially, but since he used to make a lot more than I did, he would pay for dinner most of the time, and the electric bill etc, so I''m essentially paying him back for years of him paying a little more than I did for our mutual things. It didn''t make THAT much of a difference in terms of actual money, but I know it made him feel a lot better psychologically, just seeing that his account wasn''t diminishing rapidly from those every day expenses right as he was picking out which ring he was actually going to buy. Don''t know if that type of thing would be at all feasible for you guys, but that helped ease the financial pressure for my boyfriend, if not actually saving him all that much money. In any case, don''t worry, it won''t be long!!! Plus, you know we''re always here if you need to rant.

 

[MissAva]

Oh kalispera I am sorry honey. *hugs* Are ya''ll are third into the deadline? If so he still may make it.
I dont know what I would do if V missed a deadline, but then I have not set one.

 

[decodelighted]

Wait .. did I miss something? I thought the deadline was still 9 months away ... no deadlines missed yet, right? If I read right Xmas was never a "deadline" per se ... maybe just a hopeful expectation ...(and by the way is like 1 1/2 months away still ...)

I hope, hope, hope it IS still "girl soon" for ya!

 

[Mara]

What do you want more..an engagement ring or the engagement? You don't have to have an elaborate engagement ring to get engaged or married, it can happen without a ring or maybe with something small. Sounds like you guys really want it (and his mom!) so if the e-ring an d the fund is the only thing holding it up, maybe think about other options??

What about doing something very low key for the engagement, and then you can always upgrade later? Or getting something like a diamond eternity band for the e-ring and then you can make it your wedding ring or similar later. From a sentimental perspective.

I have to agree with what deco said as well, no deadlines have been missed yet so when deadlines are being set, make sure you can mentally hang on until then because it could be the 8th month out of 9 months or similar! You just never know...guys can take forever sometimes!!

 

[snuga]

Thanks for all the encouraging words. No, no timeline has passed. I know that it will happen before 9 months, which in reality is not that far away.

I think I just had my hopes up for Christmas, and now am disappointed. I realize that I have to just get over it. Stressing out over something like this will only make the wait worse.

I personally have no real issue with what engagement ring I get. I want to be engaged and get married to the man I love. period. But he has the typical "male pride problem" where he wants to do what he feels is *right* and get me the ring of my dreams the first time around. At least that is what he tells me. Although I enjoy the sentiment, the wait is frustrating. I fear that if I bring it up to him he will feel like less of a man or something that he could not "provide" me with what I want.. if that makes any sense.

Anyways, I'm trying to be an adult and move on. More than anything I'm just sad that I got my hopes up for no reason. I'm trying to get a grip on myself and tell myself that I'm overreacting. Surprise Surprise.

Thanks again for all the responses, they really helped me feel better!

 

[appletini]

*hugs* All I can say is be patient and he will feel much better about everything when his finances get back on track. At the delay is for a good reason and not because he has cold feet.

My BF found out yesterday that his bonus is going to be a lot less than he was expecting (despite higher profits). He was not in a good mood, he was hoping his bonus would cover the cost of the ring, so that he wouldn''t have to use his savings. He said this was why he was wanting to wait, so that he didn''t have to take a gamble on things. I told him he could get me a steller princess eternity band (3.5tcw) for half our budget to save money. But I think my ring is already too far into production to make any changes. Oh well good thing he sounds better today, but then again hasn''t gotten to work yet.

 

[Cailet]

ok I''m a little late in posting to your message -- but I hope you are feeling better!!

My BF and I don''t have an offiicial timeline (yet!) but I defintiely know how hard it is to wait for something you KNOW is coming.
How cute that yoiur BF''s mom is all excited about the pending engagement too!! And just think - by the time the 9 months are up you are going to be engaged and all of this will be a funny story that you can tell to all the new LIW!!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/16/2005 11:47:24 PM
Author: Mara
What do you want more..an engagement ring or the engagement? You don''t have to have an elaborate engagement ring to get engaged or married, it can happen without a ring or maybe with something small. Sounds like you guys really want it (and his mom!) so if the e-ring an d the fund is the only thing holding it up, maybe think about other options??

What about doing something very low key for the engagement, and then you can always upgrade later? Or getting something like a diamond eternity band for the e-ring and then you can make it your wedding ring or similar later. From a sentimental perspective.

I have to agree with what deco said as well, no deadlines have been missed yet so when deadlines are being set, make sure you can mentally hang on until then because it could be the 8th month out of 9 months or similar! You just never know...guys can take forever sometimes!!

I suggested this to my boyfriend, he has a good chunk of change in savings and he told me that most, if not all, will be going towards my ring. So then we would have to save up for a wedding which would put that off from 2006 to 2007.

I really just want to be his wife and start out life together....I don''t care about the ring (I mean, obviously, I do but not as much as being his wife). We had been ring shopping and we found a set that both of us really liked. It''s a 3/4 eternity e-ring with matching wedding ring, it was like $1200 for the set..all''s he had to do is buy the center stone, which is were most of his savings would be depilted. So I suggested to him that he could buy that set, give me the wedding band as an e-ring and then we will use the rest of the saving towards a wedding and say on our first anniversay he can get me a stone for the e-ring. I thought it was a good plan...he didn''t, he really wants me to have an e-ring. So there goes that idea. But it is a good idea.

 

[princessv]

Oh kalispera *big hugs* I hate ''deadlines'' anyway

from my SO who is now on his 4th deadline that he set.

The best advice I can give you is (as much as I can''t follow this myself) try not to think about it too much and if you need to vent, definitely vent here! The good thing is you guys actually have communicated. In the past, I had to pretty much pull teeth for him to talk about what was going on. I hope you''re feeling better!

 

[larussel03]

would he let you help out with the cost? My bf has let me help him get the whole ring thing started (we''re getting a nice diamond from my mom, and he just has to go and pick a setting). I''m totally for helping with the cost, since I''m the one wearing it, and b/c I''m the one who actually is able to save money and who wants the ring.

 

[platinumrock]

Awwww, KP, I''m so sorry about your boyfriend''s situation and your delayed engagement. The good thing is that he is trying, despite the financial setback, and he does want to marry you. It could have been worse. He could have been laid-off or lost his job. Even if he chose to buy the e-ring instead of paying the bills....he would be homeless and walking...and soon to be jobless. Hmm...roof over head or rock on hand? At least you know that he is financially responsible, and he is mature enough to know his priorities. Just give him some time to get settled, and try not to focus so much on the ring. This is your opportunity to be supportive and understanding, and show him that you will stick with him through hard times. You don''t want to come off as more concerned about the ring than him. Remember, it''s him you are marrying....not the ring. The ring is simply a gift for your promise of marriage to the man you love.

 

[caligal]

Kali-

Huge HUGS girlfriend!

Yes, it makes TOTAL sense that you worry about bringing up the ring and downgrading with worrying about hurting his pride. Most men, I know mine does, have an innate need to provide for and take care of us! Heck, that is the reason mine won''t propose yet- he has to finish school so he can have a better job with more money. I have a masters degree and really don''t care, have shared this with him, but he still won''t budge. What I have told him is that I don''t expect anything large and overblown- I told him I don''t expect him to go into debt over this. Maybe this is what you can tell him? I told him a solitaire was perfect! I would broach the conversation with him this way, so that way he knows your feelings and doesn''t put it on himself to buy something WAY out of budget to please you. Oh and another thing I do to take the pressure off is let him know I''ll be paying for the wedding and we don''t go out much to save money in the meantime. 9 months isn''t that far away- I''ll be looking at 6-9 months myself- hang in there girl!!!

 

[Mara]

I know about the male pride thing, kalispera...I would just mention the next time you guys discuss it that he does not need to get you some big honking ring, that the most important thing to you is becoming his wife. That is a bit of a subtle way to get that point across IMO....and maybe he will consider it.

 

[Kit]

Isn''t it funny that while so many of us are sparkle-lovers, we totally get that a diamond ring is not the point--yet our BFs and SOs are fixated on getting us a big rock and won''t even listen to suggestions of moderation or practicality?? Ugh!! Frustrating

We have our whole lives to buy big sparlies, why do we have to postpone marriage to buy one now??

I will never understand this male perspective completely.

 

[snuga]

Wow Everyone, Thanks for the responses. I am feeling much better overall. I honestly don''t even care if I get a ring, but he does, and he wants it to be an "engagement" ring, not just any ring, so I guess I should appreciate that, not condemn it.

Sweetpea- Thanks for the suggestion... yes, I have offered to help pay for the ring indirectly, in a way the same route that albicocca suggested. I pay for more "regular" stuff like dinner/dates/etc. and he puts the money that he would spend on that kind of stuff away for my ring. That way his savings isn''t suffering. It''s a great way for him to keep his pride and for me to kind of help him out in the financial aspects.

Either way, I am trying to realize that the longest I will have to wait is 9 months, in December I will only have to wait 8 months, and really, that is only 2 weeks away.. Trying to be optimistic I guess. I am just so excited about marrying him I can''t even stand it. We talk about it everytime we see each other, and his mom talks to him about it EVERY time she talks to him, which is once every week or two. He says he sometimes gets sick of talking to her about it because he feels so much pressure from her because her stance on the situation is that "if you don''t propose now, she will leave you" which is COMPLETELY untrue, and he does know that, so that is more pressure that is stressing him out (bless his little heart).

Thanks for listening to my rant and for all the responses, they are invaluable to me and have truly helped me calm down!!

 

[anchor31]

Hey Kalispera!

Just dropping in to say I share your pain, because my SO told me on the phone last night that he''d looked at rings for Christmas, but his budget really can''t allow him to buy one at the moment. I know he''s having a rough time and he''s practically broke, so I understand. I didn''t expect him at all to be looking at rings for Christmas, so it''s really exciting, and SOOO frustrating at the same time! To think I could have had a proposal and an engagement ring for this Christmas! In ONE month!

*screams*

He said he knows it''s really what''s behind it that matters to me, but he wants to get me something nice. I appreciate the gesture, I just hope it won''t hold him back for too long. *crosses fingers for 3rd anniversary next August*

Hang on!

 

[Buena Girl]

*hugs* I know the initial news of things getting postponed is always so disappointing. I completely understand the feeling. I''m glad to hear you''re starting to feel better about it!