We need a new listkeeper...

[Becky P]

Well ladies, it seems that there must be some magic to being the listkeeper - either you get engaged fairly quickly, or you find out that it''s not meant to be and you find a way to move on.

Unfortunately, in my case, it''s the later. I found out some information on Friday and had no choice but to break up with my bf. It''s over. There''s no chance of ever getting back together. I can really use all of your thoughts and prayers right now! Thank you for all the support over the past year - I really appreciate it!

So, sorry to be a downer, but in exciting news, we need a new listkeeper!!! Anyone interested?? Let''s give it about 24 hrs, and then usually whoever''s highest on the list takes over the role... I''m thinking Hudson Hawk might be a good candidate if she''s interested, but don''t know if anyone higher on the list would like the honor first.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Oh no! I am so sorry...my thoughts are definatley with you Becky P.

If you need to vent let me know, I went thru this with my first love 6 years...he cheated with my best friend. Turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, so thanks to the ex-best friend for helping me drop the dead weight!

Every cloud truly does have a silver lining...

 

[Aloros]

*BIG HUGS*

I''m so sorry to hear it didn''t work out for you Becky. From everything I''ve seen here, you are an amazing lady, and if your bf couldn''t see that, then it is definitely his loss. Take care.

 

[Sha]

I''m very sorry to hear...

Keep your head up! Better WILL come!

 

[janinegirly]

hi becky, I''m so sorry to hear this. You still sound very composed which shows how strong you really are. Can you share what happened--I''ve feel like we''ve been through so many of the ups and downs with you. It''s helpful sometimes to vent or to hear others'' experience. Are you sure this is it?

Anyway, we''re all here for you and thinking of you! You deserve only the best in love and in life!

 

[Becky P]

Janinegirly- Thank you so much! You have been such a good friend over all the years. What I found was SO upsetting and there''s absolutely no hope for us. I simply cannot accept the life that he has created for himself. He has been living a double life and really needs some counseling. The world has kind of been spinning since Friday morning. The details are so personal, and it''s really his story to tell, but in a nutshell... I found something that I wasn''t meant to find. Which led me to snoop, the more I snooped, the more I found. And the bottom line is that he''s been cheating on me for years at gay men''s clubs. He is bisexual.

I don''t know what my plan is yet. I''m probaby going to move back to Chicago where most of my friends and support system is. There''s a lot to figure out right now. I''m going to get tested sometime this week.

I have so many feelings whirling around right now. I feel violated, sad, angry, the list goes on. But, I also somehow have this compassion for him that he has been living a lie for all these years. This is something that his family would NEVER understand, and they are his life. I don''t think he''ll ever really admit the truth to himself because then he would lose the people who matter to him most.

I''m just so thankful that he never did propose, that we never did get married, that we don''t have children. As hard as this is right now, it could be worse.

 

[Pandora II]

Oh Becky, I'm so sorry. It must all be a terrible shock - and very difficult for you right now. One sort of knows how to react if you catch your bf cheating on you with another girl, but this brings so many other factors into play.

I promise you that in time you will feel so much better - and it gives you a chance to meet the right man now and someone who will treat you right.

You might want to consider getting some counselling. I know when I discovered after he died that my ex of 7 years had been cheating on me for years, I was almost more shocked and upset that someone who I thought I knew everything about had been able to do this behind my back without my realising. I felt such a fool and really doubted my own judgement after that. It took a lot of time to be able to totally trust someone again.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best - don't disappear, we'll be waiting to hear about how you are getting on.

ETA: I do hope that for your sake he was acting 'safely' and you are protected from anything nasty.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/23/2007 12:03:00 PM
Author: Becky P
Janinegirly- Thank you so much! You have been such a good friend over all the years. What I found was SO upsetting and there''s absolutely no hope for us. I simply cannot accept the life that he has created for himself. He has been living a double life and really needs some counseling. The world has kind of been spinning since Friday morning. The details are so personal, and it''s really his story to tell, but in a nutshell... I found something that I wasn''t meant to find. Which led me to snoop, the more I snooped, the more I found. And the bottom line is that he''s been cheating on me for years at gay men''s clubs. He is bisexual.

I don''t know what my plan is yet. I''m probaby going to move back to Chicago where most of my friends and support system is. There''s a lot to figure out right now. I''m going to get tested sometime this week.

I have so many feelings whirling around right now. I feel violated, sad, angry, the list goes on. But, I also somehow have this compassion for him that he has been living a lie for all these years. This is something that his family would NEVER understand, and they are his life. I don''t think he''ll ever really admit the truth to himself because then he would lose the people who matter to him most.

I''m just so thankful that he never did propose, that we never did get married, that we don''t have children. As hard as this is right now, it could be worse.

Wow, Becky, GOOD for you for being strong. What a bombshell!

Definitely move away! Go back to people who love you and genuinely care about you. I''ve never been a proponent to snooping, but in this case I am glad you did what you needed to do to find out the truth!

And sorry, but I have no compassion for this (insert expletive here). This is a guy who all this time made you wonder if there was something wrong with YOU because he wasn''t proposing, when all along you were a pawn in his demented world (demented is not referring to his lifestyle choice, but the fact that he thought he could hide it by using you). He got you to move not once, but twice without a proposal or any promise of marriage (which granted, in the end, was your decision, but he did mislead you and said at some point he''d marry you). He is a liar without a heart, in my opinion. Sinister. Do what you want in your personal life...I don''t care...but don''t use someone else to cover up the life you really want to lead.

You''re being smart about this...especially about getting tested. I am sure that is the last thing you want to deal with at this time, but kudos to you for not burying your head in the sand.

I''m sorry to hear all this Becky, and I hope you get through this with flying colors with the support of your friends and family.

 

[sleeping beauty]

Oh Becky, 0im so sorryto hear what you are going through. I know it must feel like the world just collapsed in front of you but it will get better. My last relationship my x-fiance cheated on me with anything that wore a skirt and when i finally decided to end it i felt that way. Fast forward a wonderful 6 years later i''m waiting for a wonderful man to propose (just waiting for the ring to be finished) and now i can see that it was the best decision i have made in my life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and dont just leave the forum.. drop by we still wanna know how you are doing.

 

[bee*]

oh my god, becky, Im so sorry to hear that! I can''t believe it. You are right though that it is better that you found out now and not later after you got married or had kids. Take care of yourself and know that the pain will ease.

 

[Miscka]

Becky, I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It sounds like you are being strong, good for you.

 

[janinegirly]

hi becky,
thank you for sharing--i know it''s very personal and appreciate your honesty. i''m really shocked, but that''s nothing compared to how you must''ve felt. maybe part of you deep down inside had some suspicions and that''s why you snooped. and thank god you did. you are SO right that it''s almost a blessing that you found out now, and not after even more years of dating and maybe even marriage and children.

i also don''t have too much compassion for him b/c he deceived you and delayed YOUR life for selfish reasons. what kind of person does that?
please get a way from him as soon as possible and begin your healing. moving towards a city/town where you have family and a support system sounds great. you really sound like you have it together, and that is really admirable and reveals what inner strength you have!!
please stick around here and vent as much as you want. you will have ups and downs and we''re here for you (on top of all your family and friends). eventually (and sooner than you think) you will be through this and in a good spot--as you deserve!! You are a positive and kind person, and that has come through in this forum through the months/year!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Becky, I''m so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you are being so strong. Good for you. I''ll be thinking of you...

 

[luckystar112]

Becky...wow! I am happy that you found out about this before it was too late. And I am so proud of you for not having to be told to be tested. I can tell you''ve got a good head on your shoulders, any other ratty girlfriend would flip out and out him to his family in friends. You, my dear, have CLASS...and that is so refreshing nowadays. I hope you do move back home and make a nice life for yourself....you deserve it so much! It''s such a sad situation all around. I really hope that you aren''t leaving the board for good, and that you''ll stick around and chat with us. I know it might be hard to chat in LIW, but there is always hangout.

And as for taking over the list...if you really want to give it up, and hudson hawk doesn''t want it, I''ll take it. But is there some sort of rule that says if you aren''t a LIW you can''t run it? I know how bad you wanted to do it, why can''t you just keep doing it?

 

[musey]

Oh Becky, I am so so sorry. I know a lot of us here on PS have been following your story for nearly a year, and you have a lot of people sending positive thoughts your way. I hope that, now that you''re finally free of this guy, you''ll find what you''re truly looking for.

HUGS!

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh Lordy. That IS a bombshell. Thank goodness you found out now, as you say, before you have kids.

Have you confronted him? And how did he react?

Cheating is cheating, whether it's with another woman or with men. Deception is deception. He lied to you, undermined your confidence in yourself, potentially endangered your health, made you move multiple times, and made YOU live a lie without your even knowing it. If this makes any sense: I UNDERSTAND why he behaved this way but I still absolutely DEPLORE It. What a frakking a$$hole.

I can tell you from experience of being spectacularly deceived by someone I loved that getting some counseling ASAP is a very, very good idea. One of my worries was whether I'd ever be able to fully trust someone again. I can tell you that when you find the right guy, with some real work on your part, you will be able to trust him and you WILL feel better!

Lots of HUGS!

 

[cherry_vanilla]

Wow, as others mentioned I''m glad to hear you found out before you were further entangled in this man. I know a girl elsewhere on the internet who had a very similar thing happen - it was a whirlwind romance where he proposed after 2-3 weeks, but by month 4 not only did she discover he was posting naked on a number of gay dating websites from the getgo, he also cheated on her with the intended maid of honor. Bisexual, shisexual, it''s all cheating.

I would also second Pandora''s suggestion of counseling. I can only imagine how badly this would throw you off kilter, and in the case of my online friend it manifested itself in pretty yucky ways.

 

[Delster]

Becky I''m so sorry to hear this. I admire your strength and your generosity of spirit, Luckystar is right, you are one very classy lady. Take care.

 

[DMBsGirl]

So sorry to hear this

No matter how tough the situation it always helps me to remember that everything in life happens for a reason. If this relationship had to end, I am sure it is because there is someone BETTER out there for you. Hugs and best wishes!

 

[robbie3982]

Sorry to hear that Becky

We''re all here for you.

 

[Stephanie]

Becky, I am so sorry about all this. We are all here for you...

 

[KimberlyH]

Oh my goodness, Becky, I am so very sorry. Good for you for getting tested. Please take really good care of yourself during this difficult time. Moving back to Chicago sounds like a great choice for you (and what a fantastic city!). My thoughts are with you.

 

[onedrop]

I am so sorry to hear about everything. I know I am being a pollyanna when I say this: but I just don''t understand the mind of someone who does something like your boyfriend has done. I just can''t imagine putting my loved one in jeopardy for so long. Does he not have at least a smidgen of compassion and respect for you????

This isn''t the time to pile on him though. It''s now about you and lifiting you up. And I just want to wish you ALL the best as you begin to pick up the pieces. It will be a long road, but you are doing the right thing by reaching out to your support system. Be good to yourself and please know that I am pulling for you!!!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How distressing! I am sorry for these cruel circumstances, Becky. Please, please take care of yourself.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[decodelighted]

*****HUGS******

How shocking! What a lying, manipulative, CAD!!!!!
I''m *so* glad you did discover this before an engagement though!!! I was just reading today the latest issue of New York mag, an article about Married Men trolling for gay sex on Craigslist etc -- how the internet makes living these double lives CONVENIENT!!

You may have empathy for him now ... but for your sake I hope it turns to rightful RAGE. I''m sure a good counselor in your new town can get you there a.s.a.p. -- so you can start fresh with a new relationship in the best possible shape! And, believe me, there will be the "next" one -- and def def def a "better" one! A guy who is RUNNING toward that aisle with you because YOU are who he wants. Just you.

 

[Harleigh]

Becky,

You are so poised and well-spoken, when many in your situation would be falling apart right now. I truly admire your spirit and class, and I know better things will be in store for you...always take care of YOU first and foremost. You''re in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that you will stay in touch here on PS. Sending hugs your way...

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/23/2007 6:27:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
I was just reading today the latest issue of New York mag, an article about Married Men trolling for gay sex on Craigslist etc -- how the internet makes living these double lives CONVENIENT!!

So true. And so very scary. A friend prompted me to check out the "M4M" section of craigslist, and you would be amazed....AMAZED....at how many men post on there that are married and are looking for a discrete hook-up. But don''t do what I did and click on an ad with photos....

I don''t think these men know the danger they are putting their wives in. Diseases like HIV are still very rampant in the gay community. And if you look at that section compared to, say, Women looking for men, or even women looking for women, it is COMPLETELY different. These men are looking to hook up, and nothing else. I''d say 1 out of 100 are trying to find a life partner on there. So unsafe...for everyone! It''s like some underground infatuation spell that these men are under. Is it the thrill of getting caught? The thrill of doing something dangerous? I really don''t get it...but it''s scary.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh Becky, I am so sorry. I am glad you found out now, rather than later. Many call this " life on the down low" Please get tested for AIDS. Best to be safe and know you are clean. I volunteer for an AIDS charity. I lost my brother to this disease years ago. He was gay, didn't decieve anyone. He didn't have the benefit of the drugs they have now.

We are all here for you. HUGS!!!!

 

[neatfreak]

Becky, I am so sorry to hear about this. But really, this is a blessing in disguise. It''s much better to know NOW before the engagement, before the wedding, before kids.

Let us know if you need anything at all...you should certainly move home to Chicago to be with your close friends and family. Best of luck with everything and please come back to vent if you need to!

 

[NYCsparkle]

i''m so sorry. i send tons of hugs. i''m sure this is a confusing, difficult, and sad time for you. surround yourself with family and close friends. something better will happen for you in time.