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Uncomfortable "Asking for Permission" Question

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snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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OK so this is a SUPER personal question that I wasn''t going to post intially but it has been on my mind and everyone on this board offers such great advice from lots of different perspectives. Please be gentle as I am very sensitive and nervous about this subject. Thanks.

Here goes:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and we are planning on getting engaged soon. I know he wants to ask my dad for his blessing but I don''t know what kind of reaction my poor bf will get. My dad is extremely traditional and although he said he wouldn''t care about the race issue he definitely had some things to say when the inter-racial dating became serious. I guess you could describe my dad''s attitude toward my bf as "cordial" and sometimes he is even nice (he''s a moody guy). My mom loves my boyfriend (and loves the fact he''s almost done with school more). I think my dad will always look at me as "daddy''s little girl" and that maybe no one is good enough for me? Who knows. I just told my bf not to be disheartened if he doesn''t get a "whoppeee! welcome to the family" type of answer from my dad but more of a "if that''s what you two have decided that''s fine."

I am really excited about getting engaged to my boyfriend but the one thing that hurts my heart is that my dad will be upset. Don''t get me wrong I''m not going to NOT get engaged because he is upset but it''s just a source of anxiety for me. I just want him to be happy for me. I''m even nervous he won''t pay for the wedding.

Just to give a bit more perspective, I am 23 and in grad. school but have found funding for pay for everything (tuition, living expenses, etc.) so I am financially independent. My bf, who is 24, is finishing school (he has one more year left) and wants to wait to get married until after he finishes school so he can "provide" for me... or at least contribute to equally to the providing.

Maybe I''m just being paranoid.....I mean I don''t want things to be bad with my father or awkward. I love hanging out with my bf''s family and I wish we could have that same comfort hanging out with my family. *sigh*

So I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else had a similar story? Maybe where the parents didn''t totally love the bf not necessarily an inter-racial thing. I suppose I just want to know everything''s going to be ok in the end.
 

ammayernyc

Brilliant_Rock
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Maybe your bf could ask your parents together. That way, your mom could respond first and be super excited and your dad will really have no choice but to at least be cordial.

The only personal story I have is my parents'' story: my father was much older than my mother (26 years). In fact, he was five months older than my mother''s mother. My grandmother was completely against the relationship and them getting married -- seems normal, her daughter is dating someone older than she was! However, once they got engaged, my grandmother welcomed my father into the family and the age thing was never brought up again.
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
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I''m kind of in the same boat, but with his parents. I don''t think his mom likes me very much and thinks I am not good enough for her son. I try not to take it personally, but it hurts me so much. I honestly don''t think anything I do will change her mind though...What can you do?
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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twinkletoes,
I''m not sure what to do. How can you get to know someone when they are not open to getting to know you? Maybe find something his mom likes to do (e.g. shop for jewelry?
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) and go along? How long have you and your bf been together?
 

Bagpuss

Brilliant_Rock
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Have you discussed the posibility of you getting engaged to your present b/friend with your parents? If you bring up the subject privately with them, you may have a better idea of how your father will react.

If it''s not a happy reaction then at least you''ll know before your b/friend puts himself in the firing line.
 

appletini

Ideal_Rock
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snow...have him ask your parents for their blessing at the same time, since your mom is a big fan of the BF, that will help keep dad calm.
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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Bagpuss & Appletini-- Those are great ideas. I didn''t think of asking them (mom&dad) together. They usually aren''t in the same room (long story) but maybe he can corral them. I have to admit that I am scared to my father''s reaction too. I told my bf if he is scared it''s ok that I''ll go with him but he said he wants to go by himself. (he is brave!) He also said if I don''t think it''s a good idea to ask and if I don''t want him to ask, then he won''t. I''ve told my mom privately already and she had a lot of questions. She wanted to make sure this is what I wanted...but the more I seriously talk about it the more supportive she is..plus after that conversation she really opened up to my bf more! I told her about my concerns with my dad and she said that we will just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best. I guess that''s all I can do.
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AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
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hey girls - I just wanted to throw in my .02 cents on this one, having had a similar experience - when we first started going out, my bf''s mom wasn''t at all sure about me, and his family was less sure (a lot of them are strongly Catholic and I''m Jewish). HIs mom started to warm up to me but then I "stole" her "baby" and took him to California (from the Northeast) and so she was upset about that and again decided she didn''t like me very much. When the bf told her we were looking at rings, she freaked out and said we were way too young, etc... but after a couple of weeks, having time to think about it, she has totally come around - they just came to visit and she was all excited to talk about wedding stuff and they are even going to help pay for stuff and she was much more positive in general and very sweet. So I guess the message is that there is hope for these things - just keep reminding your own parents how happy your SO makes you and how happy you are to be planning your life with them, and eventually, hopefully, they will recognize that this is what will make you happy and will come around.

Good luck and happy thoughts to you!
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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Thanks AmberGretchen,
Your story really made me feel better! I just have to remember that in the end I am going to live my life with my boyfriend (future husband of course!
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) and that will make me happy. I can''t always make everyone happy but I can make myself happy right? :)
 

icekid

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 17, 2004
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snow_happy...

that sounds like a really tough situation, but i think you''ve gotten some good advice already! such an insightful sweet group we have here... but i''m sure it will work out. and you dad will just have to come around... give him time. sometimes the older generations have some old-fashioned ideas, but they just need a little shove to see that their line of thinking was just a bit flawed.


(by the way, snow doesn''t actually make you happy...does it?!
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)
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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icekid,
thanks for the kind words :)
and yes I do love the snow! I think it''s because I don''t actually LIVE in the snow per se but rather I go to the mountains on the weekends to go play in the snow
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. I have lived up there for a month continuously (that was the longest I think) but definitely know it would be a different story if I had to shovel my driveway everyday for months.
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jennyann2

Shiny_Rock
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i think you should mention the idea of you two getting married casually to your father first...give him some time to warm up to the idea. i also think it''s a great idea to ask for the parents blessing together, i think it would be comfortable for all parties involved.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Snow: I think the fact that your father is cordial is already a start. In the beginning my mother hated my boyfriend. HATED. No cordial. She did not want me dating someone that is white (I am Vietnamese). I didn''t let it bother me, and I assimilated her very, very slowly to the situation. I was very cautious about her feelings on the matter, and eventually she grew to love him (a lot). He''s like her son now. I think the key is to give it time, take it slowly and gradually introduce him to the notion that this is a serious relationship, and then to marriage. I think sending in your boyfriend right away might be a bit of a shock to him, especially if your father has no idea that you are serious about your boyfriend. Good Luck!
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
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We''ve been together almost 4 years now. There is a language barrier between us, but I think of that as more of a blessing than anything else. I just get the feeling that even if we did find common ground she would have no interest in sharing that with me. We get along ok, but I sometimes feel as if I''m being tested and she is trying to assert her power over me. Like the last time I went to visit, her hubby and my bf were outside and she came and got me (I was in the office) and told me to clean the bathtub by handing me detergent and a washcloth. I was like....mmm, ok...so I did it. I guess that''s what fmil do - put the future dil through the ringer. I wish things were different, but I know they won''t change and I only put up with it because I love my bf so much. I know he can''t help the way his mother is. And I can''t only be responsible for the way I act and I''d rather swallow my pride and be respectful to my future MIL than cause drama over something that will not change.
 

Erin

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 24, 2004
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2,783
Twinkletoes

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your fmil - but I agree with you, swallow your pride - you''re doing the right thing. However, that''s gotta drive you nuts.
 

blue_chica

Shiny_Rock
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snowhappy - I don''t have a lot of good advice for you. I''ve been in interracial relationships before, and I never felt comfortable around their families, which was not just their fault. I was young, they were prejudiced, and since they weren''t the right person anyway, I wasn''t willing to deal with the fall-out. It sounds like there''s lots of potential for a good relationship between your BF and your family though...a lot of differences can fall by the wayside once they see he''s there for good. I agree with the suggestion of sussing out your father prior to sending BF into the lion''s den though.

Twinkletoes - you are by far a more patient and calm person than I am!
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
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Messages
264
oh it does drive me nuts and i do hate swallowing my pride. it''s really tough to say the least. just thinking about it drains the energy from me!
 

Patty

Ideal_Rock
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Dec 7, 2003
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Date: 2/23/2005 2:29:44 PM
Author: twinkletoes
We''ve been together almost 4 years now. There is a language barrier between us, but I think of that as more of a blessing than anything else. I just get the feeling that even if we did find common ground she would have no interest in sharing that with me. We get along ok, but I sometimes feel as if I''m being tested and she is trying to assert her power over me. Like the last time I went to visit, her hubby and my bf were outside and she came and got me (I was in the office) and told me to clean the bathtub by handing me detergent and a washcloth. I was like....mmm, ok...so I did it. I guess that''s what fmil do - put the future dil through the ringer. I wish things were different, but I know they won''t change and I only put up with it because I love my bf so much. I know he can''t help the way his mother is. And I can''t only be responsible for the way I act and I''d rather swallow my pride and be respectful to my future MIL than cause drama over something that will not change.
She told you to clean HER bathroom? Were you spending the week there or was this just a short visit during the day or evening?
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
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they''re in town visiting (1.5 months) and it''s his house that he only sometimes visits. and no, we don''t live together. we were there for a short weekend and i had showered once. he showered once. his parents use the master bath. i think that''s just how she is. she apparently cleans the bathtub after every single use. *shrug* maybe she''s trying to teach me her habits? i''m not sure, but i know i won''t ever be the type to clean a shower/tub after each use. i figured i was more like a guest, but i guess not.
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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Feb 10, 2005
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twinkletoes--
Your situation sounds really frustrating! Does your bf say anything? Maybe your future MIL wants to make sure you are going to "take care of her son" type thing? Just humor her and know that in the end you are then one who wins because when you get married it will be YOUR house she is visiting.
good luck :)
i will keep my fingers crossed for you
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MrsFrk

Brilliant_Rock
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Twinkletoes, before you guys get married (BTW, I saw your Knot bio, you guys are a gorgeous couple) you need to have a talk with him about how his mother treats you. That type of thing is not okay, and will only get worse once you are his wife, and will only stop if he lets her know that he's not cool with it.

Snow Happy- I really feel for you. I am Chinese, my husband is white, and there are no probs with out respective families, but I've had friends who had difficulty getting their traditional, immigrant parents to accept someone outside their culture. I agree with the idea of having both your mom and dad there; her enthusiasm will hopefully carry the day. Otherwise, just stand fast, and let your parents know that you love him, he makes you happy, and they need to deal with it. The parents usually come around. Good luck!
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2005
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546
MrsFrk--
Thanks for the encouragement. I think, *hope*, that time will show my dad that things are going to be ok. I have spoken with my dad about the seriousness of my bf and I''s relationship and I think it was really hard for him because he said some really hurtful things!
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So the seed has been planted and my dad knows that my bf and I are planning on getting married but the argument/discussion that followed was so disheartening that it''s hard for me to approach the subject again. What''s frustrating is that I think a lot of the concerns he has are unfounded and only exist because he hasn''t taken the time to get to know my bf! Did your friends'' parents come around? I have a good friend going through something similar so that helps!
Thanks again
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fire&ice

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 2/24/2005 2
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0:39 AM
Author: snow_happy
MrsFrk--
What''s frustrating is that I think a lot of the concerns he has are unfounded and only exist because he hasn''t taken the time to get to know my bf!
I''m wondering what kind of hurtful things? I wasn''t privy to the conversation - but could his concerns revolve around the perception the outside world may have on your relationship? People can be cruel & he may just want to protect you. More importantly, he may be viewing the world through his generational eyes. Your world/generation perception about different cultures coming together is QUITE a different perspective. I''m glad your mom is excited. It''s been my experience that father''s are naturally leary of future son-in-laws intentions regardless if the match is perfect in their eyes. Ultimately, they want to protect you.

Back when my parents married, the union between an Irishman & a Swede was not met with great enthusiasm. Times change & it''s hard to see the future through the eyes of the younger generation.

Just keep plugging along. It bodes well that you care about your father''s opinion; yet, you will determine your own fate. Good luck!

Twinkletoes, you had me chuckle at the bathroom cleaning. That one was a first. Families have their quirks. It''s best to learn *when* to pick your battles. Maybe she is a clean freak & a little scrubbing of the tub isn''t the worst thing in the world. Now, if she asked you to clean her house on a regular basis -
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Patty

Ideal_Rock
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Dec 7, 2003
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twinkletoes, it makes a little more sense when you explain the scrubbing situation. Not a LOT more sense, lol, but a little.
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Oh, and I clean the tub after each use. But my husband and kids don't. And I don't expect my mother in law to either. It would be nice if they did, but I know it's kind of "my" thing.

fire&ice, when my grandparents got married, their German-Irish marriage was considered a mixed marriage!
 

MrsFrk

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 2/24/2005 2
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0:39 AM
Author: snow_happy
MrsFrk--

Thanks for the encouragement. I think, *hope*, that time will show my dad that things are going to be ok. I have spoken with my dad about the seriousness of my bf and I''s relationship and I think it was really hard for him because he said some really hurtful things!
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So the seed has been planted and my dad knows that my bf and I are planning on getting married but the argument/discussion that followed was so disheartening that it''s hard for me to approach the subject again. What''s frustrating is that I think a lot of the concerns he has are unfounded and only exist because he hasn''t taken the time to get to know my bf! Did your friends'' parents come around? I have a good friend going through something similar so that helps!

Thanks again
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I have a friend who is Indian, her parents (father mainly) had a HISSY FIT when she began dating her now husband, who is white. Her parents are so traditional that they would have had a fit if he was Indian, but from the wrong state. Her father gave her an ultimatum- never see him again, or you are out of the family. It tore her to bits, but she stood up to her father (her mom was on the fence, would have preferred for her to marry an Indian boy, but wanted her to be happy, was seeing her without the dad knowing). She continued seeing her now husband, and she was cut off. No more school tuition, no more coming over for family dinners. Nothing.

It was very painful, but eventually her dad realized that she was serious. He and her husband began getting to know one another, just by casually visiting at weddings and family gatherings. Her husband was a trouper, most of the time he was the only non-Indian face in the crowd. Everyone (except her dad) took to him immediately.

Fast forward 6 years- dad and son in law are buddies, there are 2 adored grandchildren, and her dad declares we are lying when we remind him what a hard time he gave the young couple. I won''t deny that there were many times when my friend wept with grief and pain at her situation, but she is very, very happy now. If her dad could come around, I think there is hope for anyone! Best of luck.
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allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
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Twinkletoes: God. I can''t believe she told you to scrub. You have the patience of a saint
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.

Snow: I am sorry that your father said hurtful things. I think this is a new and unfamiliar territory for him. Be strong, and patient. You have a long road ahead of you but if you don''t give up then I am sure that your father will come to accept him.
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2005
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546
twinkletoes--
I second ally''s statement that you are truly so patient with your FMIL and must really love your BF.


MrsFrk--
Your stories and encouraging words are the best. I too am Chinese and my bf is white but he is open to going to Chinese New Year performances and learning Chinese, etc. Your story about the Indian family gives me so much hope! My bf has said that he really wants to be friends with my dad so I hope everything will be good in the end... it''s just hard not knowing for sure everything will be ok.

Thanks again everyone! I don''t know what I would do with you
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chantal990

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
Messages
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twinkletoes - Thank you. You have shown me that I am not alone in having a MIL that tries to get one up. Mine is a nasty bigoted cow who decided that she hated me befor hse even set eyes on me cause I''m white Aussie and my FI''s parents are from Hong Kong. Beofre she had even seen me she offered to buy my FI any car of his choice if he broke up with his Australian girlfriend cause in her eyes all wetsern girls are evil and immoral.

Snow_happy - I think that the advice to get your BF to ask your parents together is really good. I too am daddy''s little girl who stressed when my FI asked my dad but in the end it all worked out fine cause after Peter asked my dad tey had a beer together.
 
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