Ugh, families... Help me understand!

[Snow_Miser]

I was on the phone with my dear dad last night. He had just arrived back home, and had been on one of the roughest flights he can remember, and he flies every week. In his panic during the flight, he says he kept thinking, I am never going to see J and C get married, I'm not going to be there (aw....).

He went on to tell me how hard it has been on my family that my boyfriend and I have not gotten married yet, especially on my 81 year old grandfather who I absolutely adore. My SO and I are 24 and 25 and have been together for three years. We are not trying to rush things, although I know he is saving money for a ring and we will probably buy a ring in the next six months or so.

I guess I just don't understand how our actions of not getting married are so hard on them. I know they don't love that we are living together while not being married, but at the same time we are still relatively young and don't feel the need to rush into a marriage. We are enjoying whe we are in life and where we are in our relationship. We are also both very focused on our jobs and continuing our education, which takes up a lot of our time.

I just hate that I/we are causing my family to hurt, as they are so important to me. Can anyone shed any light as to why they are so hurt by this? My dad couldn't do a good job of verbalizing their feelings.

 

[maebelle]

I can't personally attest to this, if anything I would have to tell my mother that I wasn't ready to move in with a boyfriend

Do they know that you are planning on getting married? Can you convince them that this isn't your BF making promises he won't deliver on but that you are in a committed relationship that IS headed towards marriage?

I am *not* saying that people shouldn't co-habitat without getting married at all, I'm saying that your parents might be worried that you won't get married, and since you are planning on taking that step, you should try to get them to understand that is really is happening, you just are saving up? That might make them calm down a bit! (maybe!)

 

[MisakiChan]

I agree with maebelle.

You know, people their age are perhaps concerned with the traditional values...not living together before marriage and stuff. However, if they knew for sure that you two are going to get married in the near future, it wouldn't affect them so much. Just saying.

 

[Snow_Miser]

They do know we plan on getting married. One thing my dad said was that he feels like they had high expectations for us getting engaged already, and we haven't gotten engaged yet. Almost like we're teasing them or something, I guess.

We are always very honest about the fact that we are saving up and we have looked at rings, but I guess for them we are moving too slowly.

It's put me in a difficult position, because even though my boyfriend does want to get married and is saving, he doesn't like feeling pressured all the time--it's a turn off for him.

I love my family and don't want to do anything to hurt them, but I also kind of want to tell them to butt out and let us do our thing. It is our decision when and if to get married, and I don't really think it's their business. The more I think about it, the more I feel that they are being nosy.

 

[decodelighted]

You're dad is being really mean but doen't realize it. Unfortunately we can't control other people. He can't control you two & your timeline. And you can't control his ANXIETY. Believe me, this won't stop with engagement. He'll probably be the same way about the wedding & your first kid (assuming you want & are able to have one).

Has he always been anxious? This is also an age where people who feel stuck in their own lives can accidentally start living vicariously through their children. Channeling all their subconscious worries about yicky stuff like aging and retirement and caring for elderly parents -- into "FUN" stuff like their kids success & positive milestones.

DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE RUSHED.

 

[maebelle]

Now that we know more, I think the only thing you can do is tell him to calm down, and that he isn't going to make it happen any faster by pressuring you. You want what he wants, and it will happen, so tell him to relax

Also remind him that the average marriage age in the US is 26.5 for women and considering that you are right on track

 

[Snow_Miser]

You're dad is being really mean but doen't realize it. Unfortunately we can't control other people. He can't control you two & your timeline. And you can't control his ANXIETY. Believe me, this won't stop with engagement. He'll probably be the same way about the wedding & your first kid (assuming you want & are able to have one).

Has he always been anxious? This is also an age where people who feel stuck in their own lives can accidentally start living vicariously through their children. Channeling all their subconscious worries about yicky stuff like aging and retirement and caring for elderly parents -- into "FUN" stuff like their kids success & positive milestones.

DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE RUSHED.

He is very controlling and has always been an worry-wart.

I am also an oldest child (two sisters, 22 and 17), so I don't think that helps either. At least I might be able to make things easier for my sisters.

I told my boy friend the same thing you said about how as soon as we get married he will be all about us having a kid, which neither of us wants for at least five years, if not longer/ever.

I'm sure my grandparents are anxious about us getting married becacuse they are old fashioned and concerned about getting older. My dad on the other hand is the type of person who is not ever completely satisfied with his life. He is always trying to keep up with the Jones's, but is never content.

Basically you nailed it on the head

I have no intention of letting him rush us, but it is hurtful when he tells me how hard I am making this on him and the other members of my family. I hate feeling like I have disappointed him.

I think you guys have given me great advice--I've got to tell him how it is going to be so SO and myself, and that they should be happy that we are in such a happy and healthy relationship.

 

[JulieN]

Things were just different back in your dad's time. He'll worry less if you tell him that you're really happy where you are right now.

 

[Sun-Shine]

There will always be something, "why don't you get this wedding dress, I like this ring, I want grandchildren.... more grandchildren." The relationship you are in is private. That means mum and dad have no place commenting. They can feel what they want, but at the end of the day to fully love and respect you, they have to accept it, and give you the freedom of decision.

Furthermore, marriage is a family package, DBF might see this as the future to come and decide that having a wife who doesn't protect her relationship is not for him. You will feel a great deal of satisfaction by taking this topic off the table with family. Marriage is a piece of paper, but it's an important piece of paper that you have to fight for and preserve. Being married may make Dad and Grandfather happy, but it doesn't sound like you and your partner are there yet, convey to them you are enjoying this time fully, are content with the mutual decision made by you and SO and that all talks of engagement and marriage are not being solicited by you.

You sound like a smart girl taking it all in stride, hopefully they can see the daughter they've raised is capable and leave it at that. Your lack of marriage isn't a personal attack on them, its your choice based on the tools they gave you. Bless you sweetie, you'll run out of steam in a hurry trying to make everyone happy

 

[Seattle SC]

Coming from the perspective of someone that was very pressured to get engaged by her parents - with my now fiance being the first person they even mentioned the word "wedding" about, I understand about why they might be concerned about you getting married sooner rather than later. I think many parents want in the least, to be able to watch their children get married to someone they love, have children and be secure. My family is considerably older than most people my age and they've told me that they'd be ready to move on in life knowing that I had healthy happy children and that I was finally happy. I'm not sure how old your parents are, but in his contemplating that something terrible might happen on his plane ride, I think those thoughts are bound to come up. I'd say be understanding to their concerns, but let them know that you're still young and that just because you don't have a ring on your finger doesn't mean that you're not making plans for your future together. I would consider your dad's concerns more of a personal vent than him expecting you to head to the alter tomorrow. Tell him that. The last thing he wants is for you to feel rushed and jump into something you both are not ready for, based on your families concerns and pressure. Of course you could always tell him you're getting hitched in Vegas this weekend because everyone is telling you to do it and see if he's excited or shocked instead

 

[njng_dash]

My dad made a comment like that to me once about my grandparents getting old and not getting to see great-grandchildren. I mentioned that my older male cousin is not married either so why is the burden falling on me? Having said that, he never mentioned it again and in general does not care.

I also live with my BF of 3 1/2 years and we are getting engaged soon (he has the ring and has all but told me he will propose on our vacation next week) but I have purposely not told anyone in my family because I want them to be surprised. To me it's a relief that they will finally respect our relationship instead of secretly wondering if BF is just wasting my time - although to be honest it was me who was less in a hurry and we have already said we're not getting married until next year so there will be more waiting for anxious relatives.

It's also not your responsibility to rush any life choices because your relatives are old. Don't let people tell you it was different back then - it probably wasn't. My grandma got married at 29 which means I'll be the same age as her when I get married. And she had 4 kids!

 

[Pandora II]

Don't be pushed into anything - stick to the timeline that is right for you.

My grandmother started telling me that 'all the good ones will be gone' and 'you won't look good in your frills going up the aisle if you get any older' and then complaining that she might not see my wedding at all. I was 24 at the time - I eventually got married at 35... she was there, I did get a more than 'good one' and while I didn't have any frills, I reckon I looked pretty darn good going up the aisle!

The pressure will be on straight away for grandchildren I can guarantee!

Personally I don't understand the rush - with the divorce rates as high as they are, and the fact that life expectancy is so much longer than it was even a hundred years ago, people should take the time they need to find and be sure about a life partner.

 

[audball]

Don't be pushed into anything - stick to the timeline that is right for you.

My grandmother started telling me that 'all the good ones will be gone' and 'you won't look good in your frills going up the aisle if you get any older' and then complaining that she might not see my wedding at all. I was 24 at the time - I eventually got married at 35... she was there, I did get a more than 'good one' and while I didn't have any frills, I reckon I looked pretty darn good going up the aisle!

The pressure will be on straight away for grandchildren I can guarantee!

Personally I don't understand the rush - with the divorce rates as high as they are, and the fact that life expectancy is so much longer than it was even a hundred years ago, people should take the time they need to find and be sure about a life partner.

Very well said Pandora!