To shop, or not to shop?

[Jewels305]

I am wondering what the general opinion is about shopping together for a ring versus giving guidelines of what you like in a ring and letting him do the choosing. I can see benefits and drawbacks to both. Obviously picking out what I like would be nice because then I know it''s exactly what I want. But then I would be concerned that I''m asking for something that is out of his budget. I also think it would be nice to be completely surprised by what he chooses (with some direction!) because of the thought and consideration of my likes and tastes that he would put into making the decision.

That being said, I don''t know how he would even feel about ring shopping with me. I am afraid that if I were to bring it up he would feel pressured and be insulted that I think he can''t choose something I would like. If you brought up ring shopping together, how did you do it without him feeling pressured or insulted?

 

[sleeping beauty]

Well mine was kinda and easy thing. My bf knows how picky i am with jewelry and he thought about doing it himself but when i started educating him about thing i learned in PS he was extremely overwhelmed. So, after a Loooooong time considering his options he basically said "this is the budget try not to go too much over get what you want and i''ll do the final step". And thats what i did. i picked out exactly what i wanted and its being made. i guess it kinda took the surprise element cause i know what it is, but i guess i rather be not so totally surprised and love what i got that be really surprise and hate something i will wear for the rest of my life.

 

[ladykemma]

I am firmly in the "no surprise" camp. i believe that two adults should make a major purchase-- with discussion of budget and shopping together.

after he asked me to marry him (without a ring) we sat down and had a talk. he said I can spend x dollars and then we went out together. it never occurred to either of us that that people did the surprise thing.

i think because we were in our thirties, and never did have any preconceived notions of how this should go. Some women have been thinking about proposal/wedding stuff since they were two. and there''s the difference.

now how can you bring it up? has he said specifically that HE wants to shop for the ring? or is this all in your mind? then let him know to establish a budget and then you two shop togther. if you are going to marry him, need to start communication now. he can''t read your mind.

you say you are afraid that he will feel pressured or insulted? what''s the worst that can happen?

 

[havernell]

I was in on the design of my ring and I have no regrets. We designed the ring together and then it went into the safety deposit box for 4 months. In the meantime, my boyfriend planned the when, where and how of the proposal so that the proposal itself was a total surprise to me.

The way I see it, it is the asking of "will you marry me" that is the meaningful part of the proposal, not necessarily the material ring that goes along with it. Afterall, as Ladykemma said, you can get engaged without a ring, so the ring is not what makes the moment so special! So, it was more important to me that my boyfriend plan the actual proposal by himself (and to put in the thought and consideration you are talking about into planning the asking), while to me it made sense to buy the ring together since I was the one who would have to wear it the rest of my life.

As to respecting his budget, I think you two should talk about how much he can spend on a ring AFTER having shopped around a bit to see what size diamond you can get for the money. Go see what a 1/4 carat, a 1/2 carat, a 3/4 carat, a 1 carat, etc... looks like on your finger and see how much they cost respectively. That way, he can get a sense of the trade offs between diamond size and budget are before setting a budget in stone.

As for how to bring up the idea of ring shopping together, I''m afraid that''s something only you can answer since you know him best. If you two are ready to be engaged hopefully you are close enough to have a calm, reasoned conversation about big things like this. I don''t recall how I brought it up with my boyfriend exactly, but I think if you maybe just start by asking him what his expectations are for the ring selection process, that can open up a dialouge where you can both express how you expect the process to go and then work together to come up with a compromise between your two visions.

Good luck with it all!

 

[neatfreak]

For us he decided one day to go browsing for rings. We went into Tiffany''s and I found a lil'' legacy that I loved. It was $6,000 and he said "that''s not too bad". So that got the discussion rolling about budget and what we could get elsewhere for the price. He got into it and started reading up on his own, but wanted me involved to make sure that we picked something we both loved.

We then talked about what would be a comfortable amount to spent and he said he was comfortable with $5,000, so I just went from there and found some stuff I liked. We worked with Mark at ERD to find our stone, and then I gave my FI a few options for settings that I loved. He then basically picked the one he liked best, and did all the details with Mark for delivery etc. So I didn''t know when the ring was done or when it would be given to me, which kept the element of surprise.

I think it''s a big purchase to make on his own, and you''ll see quite a few women on PS a number of years after they''re married trying to change their original ring because they HATE the one he picked out by himself. There have been quite a few in the past few days alone actually!

 

[Kaleigh]

I say go for it. You can always pick a few rings that you like, and then he can choose one and surprise you. That''s a win win situation to me.

 

[FireGoddess]

I''m a big fan of having some input - whether it be some pictures of rings I like, or going shopping together, etc.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/21/2007 5:20:44 PM
Author:Jewels305
If you brought up ring shopping together, how did you do it without him feeling pressured or insulted?

It was a gradual process for us... it started with a very random conversation about diamonds and rings were important to an engagement (you can guess who was on which side

) very early in our relationship, about 6 months in or so. That ended in a "Well, what do you like then??" question from him, which led me to send pictures, etc. etc.

Since it was initiated so early, it was a very easy transition when, two years later, we had "that talk" that ended in "okay, let's start shopping for a ring" (doesn't everyone have that one? lol). All the shopping was done together.


If it's a little too far along to just slip the idea in one piece at a time, start dropping hints. Find pictures of rings you like online and send them to him, clip advertisements out of magazines and leave them where he'll see them, etc. If it were me, though, I would just say "hey, how do you feel about picking out the ring together?"

 

[Jewels305]

I think what I want to do is go shopping together and show him things I like and things I don''t like. Also, I need to try rings on because I know that until I try them on I won''t know if it really works on me. I want to have some input so that I am sure to like it, but I also want the final product to be somewhat a mystery!
So now I just have to get him to the mall with me!

 

[musey]

Date: 5/21/2007 8:20:50 PM
Author: Jewels305
So now I just have to get him to the mall with me!

As long as you warn him to not actually BUY from the maul!

 

[Jewels305]

Date: 5/21/2007 8:24:20 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/21/2007 8:20:50 PM
Author: Jewels305
So now I just have to get him to the mall with me!

As long as you warn him to not actually BUY from the maul!

Haha no way! Going to a mall is only to have a lot of different stores to go to and things to choose from but I want him to get it from my local jeweler.

 

[dsy]

Does he have a good idea of your taste in jewelry? if you''re not sure, how sentimental would he (or you) be about exchanging the ring for something else in case you end up not liking it?

Some other ideas to get the conversation going with him: sign up for the mailing list of a jewelry store and act like it was unsolicited, lol, so when he sees the catalog laying around you could casually show him something you might like. Or have a friend bring up an engagement ring conversation and ask your opinion in front of him...

Since you also said you have no idea what you are interested in and would need to try on lots of rings, it might be a good idea to do a little shopping on your own beforehand so that if you do end up shopping with him and "randomly" walk by a jewelry store it wouldn''t take so long for you to show him exactly what it is you like. I think most guys who haven''t thought a lot about proposing yet would be too impatient (and uncomfortable) to spend that much time in a jewelry store. It''s also totally possible to show him what you like without knowing what his budget is, just make sure you show him a range of options. Even if you only like one style there is a lot of flexibility he could still have in size/quality that would greatly impact the price.

My boyfriend absolutely refuses to shop just for the sake of browsing so it''s not as if we would ever have been just casually walking around stores. It would have been impossible for me to find a situation where i could simply drag him into a jeweler''s in a spur of the moment "hey look at that!" kind of conversation. He ended up being so nervous about the prospect of spending that much money on something i might not like that he asked me to participate in the process. Like someone said, only after looking at what size and quality you can get at each price range, did he feel comfortable with setting a price range. His low tolerance for shopping quickly turned the ring search into a solo effort on my end where all he had to do was pay at the end, lol! Now i''m just waiting until i get to wear it..

 

[Chels7]

When we went ring shopping I got to pick out the setting I like, but he said he gets to pick the center stone. That way he can stay within his buget and I still get the suprise of not knowing what the finished product will look like.

Ring shopping is really fun so I hope he takes you! It was also my bf''s idea to go so I didn''t have to bring it up; but I mainly think it''s because the store we went to had cookies!

 

[DMBsGirl]

My ff and I are traditional in that we both think the girl should not know that the proposal is coming or see the ring beforehand. (That is not the norm around here though) I want to have no idea whether he has it or not and DEFINITELY don''t want to see it beforehand! I did, however, send my boyfriend pictures of what I like and gave him names of vendors because I do not want him to get ripped off.

 

[bronniejade]

My boyfriend and I didn''t intend to buy a ring together. We went to a jeweller to have a look, so that he could get an idea of what I like.
We both fell in love with a particular ring and next thing I know, we''re sitting down and picking out a stone to replace the one that was in the band. It had a princess cut diamond in it, but princess cut stones make my fingers look like fat little sausages!!
We didn''t intend to buy a ring, and I have yet to see the ring in it''s finished state. I know what the band looks like and I know the diamond we picke dout..but I haven''t seen them together. He picked the ring up ad has shown it to his mum and his best friend and MAYBE my mum.

The experience of buying the ring together was so surreal. We couldn''t stop smiling like a pair of idiots! The jeweller just laughed and laughed at us! We got out to the car and we just sat there, grinning. It was so exciting, and surprising at the same time. For days and days after, when we would catch eyes we would just start to grin, because we knew that we had picked out THE ring. A little secret between the two of us. It was the greatest day!!!

I cant honestly say I wouldn''t trade the time that we sat together in that jeweller, grinning like a bunch of idiots in love for any surprise that he could give me. I can still look forward to the sight of the completed ring, and the surprise of his proposal.

 

[zoebartlett]

For us, it was a gradual process... I didn''t want to pressure my FI, but we knew we were going to get engaged and it was just a matter of time. SO I began prodding -- gently.

At first, I had showed my FI pictures of what I liked. THen we graduated to going to shops and finding styles and designers we liked. While doing this, I was also checking out various vendors here on PS. We ultimately got my rings (both e-ring and w-band) from WF and it''s perfect.

I love my ring and I''m glad I had a hand in choosing it. My FI knew NOTHING about diamonds, metal (platinum vs. white or yellow gold), vendors, etc. If it had totally been up to him, I''m not sure what we''d end up getting. While a tiny part of me wishes that he had the same interest in PS that other guys who post here do, he just doesn''t. My FI now feels very happy and confident that we made the right decision in what we got, but that''s because he had me to guide him along.

I do think it''s more common for girls these days to choose their ring or at least steer their boyfriends towards styles they like or want. I''m not sure any of my friends were completely in the dark when it came to what their rings looked like.

 

[zoebartlett]

For us, it was a gradual process... I didn't want to pressure my FI, but we knew we were going to get engaged and it was just a matter of time. SO I began prodding -- gently.

At first, I had showed my FI pictures of what I liked. THen we graduated to going to shops and finding styles and designers we liked. While doing this, I was also checking out various vendors here on PS. We ultimately got my rings (both e-ring and w-band) from WF and it's perfect.

I love my ring and I'm glad I had a hand in choosing it. My FI knew NOTHING about diamonds, metal (platinum vs. white or yellow gold), vendors, etc. If it had totally been up to him, I'm not sure what we'd end up getting. While a tiny part of me wishes that he had the same interest in PS that other guys who post here do, he just doesn't. My FI now feels very happy and confident that we made the right decision in what we got, but that's because he had me to guide him along.

I do think it's more common for girls these days to choose their ring or at least steer their boyfriends towards styles they like or want. I'm not sure any of my friends were completely in the dark when it came to what their rings looked like.

ETA: Oops! Sorry for the double post. I had to refresh my screen and it ended up posting twice.

 

[anchor31]

Buying it together was a great experience for us! We had a lot of fun and we both love the ring so much... I say go for it!

 

[Sassee]

We have been discussing engagement and marriage for a while now (we have been to

My boyfriend has insisted that he wants to propose with a ring, however, he wanted my input as he was "too scared" to choose something on his own.

Just this last weekend, we were staying in a lovely hotel in the city, and we took that opportunity to meet up with some jewellers.

After a couple of days of deliberation (I tried on lots of made rings to see what suited me, and also viewed some carefully selected loose stones) we put a deposit down yesterday! The ring will take quite a few weeks to have made up, and he will be picking it up by early July.

We aren''t too concerned about the romantic notions of the big fairytale surprise proposal with a ring chosen without me. In fact, we are extremely pragmatic and figured that I might as well get something that I completely love!

So, my vote is for taking him shopping for ideas, at the very least, so that he is confident in picking something on his own, if that''s what he wants.

I had really set notions about what I would like in a ring, and after trying on over a dozen, was quite shocked to see my tastes changing. Its one thing to view a ring on line or in a store window. Its a completely different thing to actually try it on and see how it suits your finger!

Good luck

 

[Jewels305]

Thank you to all who replied to my post. I have decided that when I feel the time is right we will have an open conversation so that we can figure out each others expectations and come to an agreement. I think that ideally my BF would like to pick it out himself, but I imagine he will get overwhelmed with all of the information and choices and want my input in the end.
In the meantime, I am slowly becoming more educated about diamonds from reading information on this site. I really never knew there was so much to consider when purchasing a diamond! I also hope to try some rings on soon to see what I think suits me best. (And maybe it will temporarily satisfy my hunger for an e-ring!

)

Thanks again!

 

[Pandora II]

My FI proposed without the ring and then I designed and choose all of it myself. I had a wonderful time doing it and FI loved that I was so absorbed and happy doing it.

I feel a bit sorry for some of my friends who just walked into one jewellers and bought something on the spot - and also ended up in some cases with very expensive but less than lovely stones. I had time to research and put lots of time and thought into it which makes it feel very special.

It also meant the proposal was all about us and not about the bling!

I have a beautiful antique sapphire and diamond eternity as a placeholder and I get my e-ring tomorrow! I''m so excited to finally see it after 5 months!!!

 

[JenStone]

At first, my boyfriend wanted to pick out everything and have the proposal be a total surprise. But then I explained my reasons to him:

1. I don''t wear much jewelry, and I''m very picky about it too. I hate it when I receive jewelry as presents, because they always end up gathering dust in a box somewhere. I don''t even have my ears pierced. The only thing I wear is a necklace that my boyfriend bought for me when we first started dating - I never take that off, even when I shower. And with an engagement ring, I think of it as something I''ll wear every day for the rest of my life, so I want to make sure I LOVE it.

2. Men can be so clueless when it comes to what women want. Instead of dropping hints here and there, I''d rather straight out tell them what I want.

At first, he was resistant and said I can just tell him what I want. Then I started teaching him everything I had learned through PS and he got really overwhelmed. He then said, "Well, if it means that much to you, why don''t we pick out a stone together?"

It''s not that I don''t trust him. And he has excellent taste. But I''ve seen too many scenarios where the guy proposes with a ring he thinks the girl will like, and although the girl is genuinely happy with the proposal, she isn''t 100% satisfied with the ring.

Have you tried going into a jewelry store together, just for fun? My boyfriend and I did that and it was really fun. We also saw what styles looked best on my finger, and I also found out his budget. Just tell him straight out that you''re not expecting anything - you just want to try on rings for fun, just to see what''s out there.

Good luck!

 

[CrookedRock]

I saw a ring about a year ago that I just fell in love with. We went on a trip to Vegas and went to the jeweler together. We spent 3 days tweaking the ring and making it perfect. After we got home I realized that I might have just taken the fun out of it for him, so I asked him. He said that he would rather spend money on something that I love than something that he thinks I will love... Keep in mind I wanted something really unique. The good thing is that is was totally a part of the design process. (for xmas his partner (they had a really good year) bought him an expensive watch, it wasn''t the one he wanted, so he exchanged it. he said he wished his partner would have asked him first) It was because of that that he was excited I got to pick out what I wanted... As for the budget, I asked him what we were going to tell the jeweler right before we went there. He had no problem telling me...

Good Luck... Let us know what happens!

 

[BigDiamonds]

I am all for shopping together! Long before we even thought about getting engaged, my BF asked if I would ever trust him to pick out something that I would wear every day for the rest of my life. When he put it that way, it was an easy way to say that I wanted to be involved.

We started browsing together and talking about budget. Some people may think that this is unromantic, but I make a lot more money than he does and it didn''t seem fair to ask him to pay for what I wanted, but I also didn''t want to have something on my finger that I didn''t love. So he told me how much he wanted to spend, and then anything above that was my responsibility. I didn''t end up going that much over, but it did allow me to get exactly what I wanted.

Anyway, the ring is ordered and being made as we speak, and I am totally out of process from this point on. The jeweler will call him when the ring comes in, and then the proposal itself will be a total surprise. This is a great compromise for me, because I get exactly what I want but I still get the surprise proposal!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I just started an email and put 5 or 6 ring sets that I really love so he gets the general idea. He laughed but now he knows what my tastes are...he even asked if i wanted white gold or platinum. The rest is up to him.

If I hadn''t- sent something I would have ended up with a yellow gold 3 stone ring, which is totally not what I want. lol

 

[Shannon72781]

I would much rather shop togther...however he much more traditional than me. I show him rings online I like and save them on his PC for him for "future reference" (his idea!)

However, after learning about everythign through PS, it is QUITE alot of info, and I dont want him to get ripped off. I told him I would really like a diamond from WF and eternity setting from SP. I think it''s pretty specific, without actually purchasing it myself. I haven''t started talking to him about color, clarity, cut, etc (only CARAT!) because an engagement is about a year away, and I don''t want to push him too hard on this. Like some girls expressed here, I wish he had the same interest as some guys on here, but he really doesn''t, lol! He would much rather look online at his fantasy baseball than diamonds.

Since I live in NY and SP is fairly close, I think this would be a good start to really start looking together, maybe in the winter. Just to look and get an idea! We''ve browsed mall stores, but blah, you know them. We''ll prob just do a little looking in the Diamond District, though I still want him to buy online!

I told him, the proposal is totally up to him, and even if I know what the ring may look like, I''ll have no idea how and when he will actually do it. That seemed to make him happy. It''s all about compromise!

 

[redfaerythinker]

Hey... my boyfriend and I shopped together for my ring. First time we were just hanging out in the mall and he suggested we go into a jewelry store and look at rings. We decided that we both liked the three stone look better than the solitare. About three months later I was showing him a website (www.theknot.com) and it has this feature where you can look at engagement rings and save the ones you like into a notebook. I was showing him some of my favorites and he pointed at my absolute favorite. We are both totally in love with this ring and are going to look at it in person for the first time tomorrow! So I guess what i''m saying is that by shopping together I am going to get a ring that we both love. I guess some people would say that it''s too bad that I won''t be surprised by the ring and that''s fine with me... the proposal will be a surprise and that''s really what matters in my book. My suggestion for you would just be to tell your boy that you''re not sure how your favorite rings will look on your finger, just casually suggest that you both should go shopping just to make sure. Might be a good way to bring up the conversation. Hope this helps!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:24:24 PM
Author: Shannon72781
I would much rather shop togther...however he much more traditional than me. I show him rings online I like and save them on his PC for him for ''future reference'' (his idea!)


However, after learning about everythign through PS, it is QUITE alot of info, and I dont want him to get ripped off. I told him I would really like a diamond from WF and eternity setting from SP. I think it''s pretty specific, without actually purchasing it myself. I haven''t started talking to him about color, clarity, cut, etc (only CARAT!) because an engagement is about a year away, and I don''t want to push him too hard on this. Like some girls expressed here, I wish he had the same interest as some guys on here, but he really doesn''t, lol! He would much rather look online at his fantasy baseball than diamonds.


Since I live in NY and SP is fairly close, I think this would be a good start to really start looking together, maybe in the winter. Just to look and get an idea! We''ve browsed mall stores, but blah, you know them. We''ll prob just do a little looking in the Diamond District, though I still want him to buy online!


I told him, the proposal is totally up to him, and even if I know what the ring may look like, I''ll have no idea how and when he will actually do it. That seemed to make him happy. It''s all about compromise!

Not to push you away from WF, but Mark at Engagement Rings Direct is IN the diamond district. Best of both worlds!

 

[Shannon72781]

I plan on stopping in there, too! The only thing about buying the diamond in NY...is NY tax

That''s a major reason why I would prefer online...my SO will use that money to put INTO the diamond! Plus, I kinda have my heart set upon an ACA diamond

I would like to see what mark offers though. I never say never...

 

[jennypoo]

I suppose I''m straying from the majority, but I would prefer to give him hints about what I like, then let him do the choosing. I just love surprises, and I trust his judgment. Besides, I''ve dragged him into jewelery stores before and pointed out exactly what I would like. I''m pretty sure he''s got a good idea!

But I can also understand why others would like to pick the ring out together.