Stupid Fight with BF - Need Perspective

[Lauren8211]

Ok, so I''m going to tell you this story about a fight that BF and I had last night, and I''m asking for REAL advice! Am I in the wrong? Don''t sugarcoat it because I''m a fellow LIW.

I had school last night and BF was working late. I called him on the way home from school, and he happened to be on the way home from work. We talked for about 20 mins about what was for dinner, and then said we''d see eachother at home.

Apparently in the next 10-20 minutes after we hung up, BFs car dies. He tries calling me ONCE (I''m at home by this time), but I accidentally miss the call b/c my phone is on silent from being in school. While I''ve done that before, it doesnt happen ALL the time, and it was a complete accident. Anyway, he can''t get ahold of me and has to walk home. It''s about 3/4 of a mile to home from where his car died.

Of course this escalates to a fight because "I''m not available" and he "can''t count on me because I leave my phone on silent."

He tells me he''s more mad that he couldnt get ahold of me than the fact that his car died, which I find ridiculous. I apologize that he had to walk. I said "I''m sorry you had to walk home..." and he says "Are you? Are you actually sorry?" Insinuating that I''m not sorry.

I told him I am NOT available 24/7 on an electronic leash, and that sometimes he may not be able to get ahold of me. That''s when he tells me he is upset because he "can''t count on me". He says I need to "work on this" because its a problem. Are we seriously defining the fact that I forget every once in a while to turn my phone on as me having a serious character flaw that needs working on? WTH?

I think this is totally out of line -- what if I were in the shower, or at school, and couldnt answer? Is that any different from leaving it off?

This is a stupid fight, I know, but I just have to make sure that I''M not being the ridiculous one.

Thanks Ladies!

 

[Anastasia]

You''re not being silly. Yes, it is annoying that he couldn''t get a hold of you. No it is not a tragedy, or anything malicious (or even wrong) on your part. In this day and age, with all of the technology available to us, I think we have begun to expect that we can always get a hold of people. I think it is important to keep perspective in situations like this. (I mean for him - not you!)

It seems like an overreaction on his part. Is there something bigger at play here? He says he can''t count on you. Does that mean that he feels like you don''t support him, or just that you aren''t always available by phone? There is a big difference between the two and I think the two of you need to determine what is the real issue here. If it is just that he can''t always get you by phone, then he needs to adjust his expectations and get some perspective. Not having your cell phone on is not a character flaw!

 

[Po10472]

here''s what i think.

He was angry at the car breaking down and he''s taking it out on you and in the heat of the moment he''s said things he probably didn''t mean.

What you need to do is talk after you''ve both calmed down and if he still believes that of you, ask him to explain himself, how it makes you feel and what you are both going to do to get past this.

hope it goes well

po
x

 

[anchor31]

I definitely think he overreacted. Is this typical behaviour from him, lashing out at you when something bad happens to him?

 

[Lauren8211]

I thought it was him being angry at the car, also. So I said "I realize you're mad and that you're probably taking this out on me because your car is dead."

THAT was when he replied "I'm actually more mad that you didnt answer the phone than the fact that my car died."

Which, again, I guess could still be him being mad at the car. Hard to say.

He NEVER reacts so ridiculously. This is seriously out of character for him. He's usually logical, and I'm usually the crazy one, so that's why I had to get someone elses opinion. I thought maybe I went so crazy that I didnt even realize I was being crazy.

 

[sklingem]

Hey Lauren - you did nothing wrong. Trust me - he was upset that the car broke down and just took it out on you (and your cell phone). Has he had problems reaching you before? That may have just gotten him over the edge. Or maybe he is alluding to other things he is unhappy about? Maybe you should ask him. In any case, you need to make it clear to him that he can''t expect you to be reachable at all times (good or bad ones)! In addition, walking 3/4 mile is really nothing. Keep us updated!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

When you have both have calmed down, I would talk to him to make sure he doesn’t feel like you do not care. I have had similar fights with my SO where he makes comments that seem as though he is overreacting but when I press him for more information I find he usually has a legitimate concern. My SO once got angry with me when I scolded him for being grumpy with our cat. The entire fight spiraled out of control until I realized his concern wasn’t about me defending the cat, it was about how we would discipline and raise our children together. Had I not remained calm when he started to “overreact” I never would have been able to address his concerns. What seemed like a petty, stupid fight actually turned into a conversation that brought us closer together.

Some fights like this are just overreactions but sometimes they are definite concerns that should be revisited once both people have had time to calm down.

Also, I believe the two of you are getting close to your engagement and I can tell you from the experiences I have had over the past couple of months with my SO, men do not take the decision to marry lightly in most instances. While he is gearing up to propose he is more than likely thinking about your futures together which means he may be a little more sensitive to how he feels you two work together. Dependability may be a hot spot for him. If you can dig a little without starting a huge argument, I would. It sounds to me like his frustrations go beyond the obvious.

 

[StarvingMusician]

I don''t think you are overreacting at all. He was probably mad about his car breaking down, and took it out on you.

My boyfriend has done the same thing to me...he doesn''t own a cell phone (he feels that it "ties him down" and that it''s "useless"), but he always expects mine to be on and me to be available 24/7. Maybe you should talk to him about the fact that sometimes, you will be unavailable even with a cell phone. That''s the talk I had to have with my bf, and he''s gotten used to the fact that I am not a slave to the cell.

 

[bee*]

I think that he''s totally over reacting! Sure he might be annoyed that his car broke down, but he shouldn''t take it out on you. I have my phone on silent so often as I forget to put it back to normal after being in the library-I would be annoyed if D was pissed with that. I''d have a chat with him when he''s calmed down.

 

[lliang_chi]

You guys should talk again today. He''s actually probably more pissed about having to walk and "All of this wouldn''t be a pain, if you just answered your stupid phone." Not yelling at you or anything, just saying what he was probably thinking for 20 mins.

Just calm down a little bit and figure out what''s the actual cause of this blow up. Like Rob09 and Keepingthefaith21 said, it''s probably something else that at the time he couldn''t express properly. Give him a day to cool off. You guys should go into a dialog with cool tempers so you can really listen.

 

[Bia]

I will tell you right now, he was just pissed because his car broke down and he had to walk...YOU did nothing wrong and I am sure today or whenever he cools off, you'll be getting an apology.

 

[Lauren8211]

Thank you ladies so much. I just wanted to make sure I wasn''t being crazy and needed to VENT! I already got a text from him a few minutes ago asking if I was still mad.

Hopefully we can talk things out when I go home on lunch.

I will let you know how it turns out. Hopefully I dont need another "vent" post!

 

[Delster]

I agree with Keepingthefaith. Yes, he overreacted. Yes, what really set him going was his car breaking down. But he wouldn''t have gone off on one about the mobile quite so much if it didn''t hit a nerve deep down in there somewhere. You should talk to him and work out what it is that''s niggling him, and what you can both do to help make it better.

I leave my phone on silent all the time and it drives BF bonkers. I hear the question ''is your phone on silent again?'' at least once a week! But I can''t have it on if I''m in class or in court so I just try my best to keep it on me and then I''ll see the missed call pretty quickly and can ring him back.

I also agree with everyone who said that you can''t be available 24/7. I love my mobile but there are times I turn it off on purpose for some peace and quiet and that''s allowed too! Anyone else remember life before mobiles? Anyone? Or is it just me?

 

[Lauren8211]

Delster: I almost brought up the fact that there was a time when there were NO cell phones, but I figured that just might a bit antagonistic and left it out of the convo. I was definitely thinking it though -- what if this happened 20 years ago? Also, I suggested that we get a landline so I can always be contacted when I''m at home, but he thought that was ridiculous. Go figure!

He''s a techy-nerdy-computer programmer who thinks the world should be alive with electronics 24/7. He is intrigued by the fact that I have a phone on me and can be contacted 24/7. I think sometimes he forgets that other people are not quite as excited about technology as he is.

Between work and school my phone is generally on silent all day. Once I''m done for the day, I almost always remember to turn the ringer back on. But either way, I end up checking my phone every half hour at least, so that should be good enough. Every 30 minutes he can get ahold of me? That seems fair.

 

[Bia]

I hate cellphones...if I didn''t need one for work, or my mother (since she calls me at least 5 times a day!), I''d never carry one. I dislike having to be "available" all the time...grrrrrrr.

I am also notorious for not answering my phone (drives BF bananas)...so I am probably not the best person to respond to this post

 

[diamondfan]

He clearly was overreacting.

He only called you once, and did not try the land line (I assume you have one? though many people do not anymore and just use cell phones).

I have kids so I always have my phone with me but sometimes it goes right to voice mail for some reason or I forget to put it on a normal ring after silencing it for the movies or something. That does not make me irresponsible or unreachable.

He was irked and cranky and I think he blew things out of proportion. He was likely tired and hungry too. Calling ONCE and then getting flipped is not reasonable to me. Like you said, you could have been in the shower or something, NO ONE is reachable every second of the day without fail, as cell phones sometimes malfunction, chargers fail, power goes out while phone is charging...you cannot help that.

I would try to just let it go, I think he was making a big deal out of something minor. Unless it was pouring rain or snowing, walking under a mile is not the end of the world. Inconvenient but not tragic.

 

[Delster]

Date: 5/21/2008 10:15:55 AM
Author: Lauren8211
Delster: I almost brought up the fact that there was a time when there were NO cell phones, but I figured that just might a bit antagonistic and left it out of the convo. I was definitely thinking it though -- what if this happened 20 years ago? Also, I suggested that we get a landline so I can always be contacted when I'm at home, but he thought that was ridiculous. Go figure!

He's a techy-nerdy-computer programmer who thinks the world should be alive with electronics 24/7. He is intrigued by the fact that I have a phone on me and can be contacted 24/7. I think sometimes he forgets that other people are not quite as excited about technology as he is.

Between work and school my phone is generally on silent all day. Once I'm done for the day, I almost always remember to turn the ringer back on. But either way, I end up checking my phone every half hour at least, so that should be good enough. Every 30 minutes he can get ahold of me? That seems fair.

Ha ha, yup, when I had my first boyfriend we wrote letters. Letters, people!!! Ha ha!

A few years ago I was at a Summer school thing and there were three Irish girls (we were 26, 24, and 22) and the other nationalities were asking us about the Celtic Tiger phenomenon. They asked was Ireland all that different now than twenty years ago or even ten years ago. The other two said 'not really' right at the same time as I said 'oh my gosh, yes'. Then the other two made out like I was off my rocker so I asked them, 'can you remember...

...a time when you didn't have a mobile?
...a time no-one in your family had a mobile?
...a time when some of your friends didn't have a landline so you had to write to them in the Summer holidays?
...a time you only had one car in your family? Or no car?
...a time there was only one TV set in your house?
...a time when there was no computer in your house?
...a time when there was no computer in your school?

The answer to each and every question was 'no'. They shut up pretty quick after that!

Oh, and started looking at me like some kind of dinosaur...

Anyway the point is that in the two years from me down to 'Ms 24' there was a difference, but 'Ms 22' was absolutely flabbergasted. She literally grew up in a different world to me and it had never occurred to her before.

But back to your question. Honestly I don't think you're being unreasonable. In fact, I think you're being very accommodating making sure to be available every half hour! I just also don't think this is solely about the phone. A bit of gentle prodding might be a good idea to see if it's about something else. Don't let it fester!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Good luck with your lunchtime chat!!

I hope things go smoothly!!!!

 

[Just_Me]

I think he was probably just angry and took it out on you.

Any chance, though, that this is something he feels is ongoing? Does he feel he has had a lot of trouble in the past getting in touch with you and this was just the final straw for him? Just throwing stuff out there, I could be totally wrong. I just know some guys aren''t the best at communicating how they are really feeling about things until they explode.

 

[wishful]

I think you should get him a AAA membership for his birthday.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 5/21/2008 1:18:40 PM
Author: wishful
I think you should get him a AAA membership for his birthday.

This is perfect!

I''ve had similar situations in the past and they were about other issues, not the one at hand. It sounds like he''s having some insecurities about the relationship and if he is, and he''s not discussing them with you in an adult, rational manner, then it''s his problem, not yours, IMO. I think you should talk to him. And I also think you should ask him to get his own AAA membership (or get a family/household membership for both of you) so neither of you gets stranded again. But yeah, it sounds like his anger is about something else.

 

[decodelighted]

I think he''s suffering from that dread affliction "unrealistic expectations"! Of you, romantic relationships in general and LIFE in general. Also, possibly, a bit of self-centeredness.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. You''re human and you have a right to be "off the clock" & off the grid! Technology isn''t a tether!!! Geez. This is about boundry setting. Keep on standing up for your right to be independant & to make mistakes without getting slammed for it. Does HE ever forget things? Is HE perfect? Does he really think the world & your world revolve around his minute by minute needs?

Life is inconvenient & having a girlfriend makes things MORE convenient but it can''t shield the poor baby from the odd car breakdown, pimple, incorrect takeout order or boo boo.

 

[Independent Gal]

This fight isn''t about your cellphone, honey.

He''s probably feeling very emotional and scared because of the engagement. And it''s coming out in this way.

Happens to everyone now and then. Steam comes out the wrong way.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 5/21/2008 9:32:16 AM
Author: StarvingMusician

My boyfriend has done the same thing to me...he doesn''t own a cell phone (he feels that it ''ties him down'' and that it''s ''useless''), but he always expects mine to be on and me to be available 24/7.

WHOA! I hope he listened to you when you had that talk with him, because that is some seriously controlling behaviour.

 

[StarvingMusician]

Yea, that''s what it seemed like to me too, Independent, but after talking to him I could see why he was worried the couple of times he couldn''t reach me. I''m usually very attentive to my phone, not to the point of rudeness, but if it''s polite for me to answer I will. The first time it happened, I was home for the summer, he forgot I was going backpacking for a couple of days, so he was extremely worried when I didn''t call/answer calls for two days. The second time he had a family emergency, had to leave within three hours, and I was out with friends. After he left me 4 voice mails, in increasing anger, that''s when we had the talk.

I think he just thought a cell phone meant I''d always be there. Not that he wants to control me. If there had every been any hint of that, he would have been kicked to the curb. I think he just figured I was addicted to it, like some of our other friends, and me not answering meant something was wrong.

Silly hippy boyfriend.

 

[ListlessLiz]

Lauren, are we twins separated at birth?? I swear I could have written your post - I can''t even tell you how many times my BF has whined about me not turning my cell phone off of silent after school/work. And while it''s mostly a general "so, that''s really annoying" kind of complaint, it has escalated more than once into a full-on fight. I''ll tell you though, it usually only turns into a fight if there''s something ELSE he''s already upset about - just like when your BF''s car died.

So, my first thought is that he was probably just upset about the car and took his frustrations out on you. Since he DID say the thing about you not being available, though, I''d ask him if there''s some other reason that he''s upset. Maybe there''s some other reason that he feels you''re not "available" to him?? More than likely though, I''d say he''s just scared that he won''t be able to reach you on the phone if a more serious mishap/accident occurs. It''s a valid concern, but it''s not something worth making you feel bad about. As long as you tell him you''ll try to remember to change your phone settings after work/school he should forgive and forget. It''s not like you did anything wrong - it was a pure accident.

 

[Lauren8211]

LOVING the idea of the AAA membership. Funny thing is, we have our car insurance on the same policy, and i opted for Roadside Assistance. He, on the other hand, did not. So yeah, he got stranded. I do genuinely feel bad that it happened, but I told him that I''m not going to feel guilty for an oversight.

I guess the reason I''m taking this so personally is that I feel everytime there''s something I do wrong, it becomes a "you need to work on this" situation. I agree, you shouldnt just "accept" things that are wrong with you -- you should continually be trying to improve yourself. Which I do. Plus, I don''t think occassionally forgetting to turn a phone back on is something that I should really be concerned with working on. I don''t tell him he needs to change who he is so he doesnt forget to pay the bills, take out the garbage, pick up the living room, scoop the kitty litter, run the dishwasher, grab his wallet and keys, remember his parents birthdays, etc, etc, because I REMEMBER ALL THOSE THINGS FOR HIM! I guess I just accept him for who he is, and dont make him think he always has to be fixing things about himself to make me happy.

I guess between 40+ hours a week of work, full time school, and taking care of everything in the house and paying all the bills (not financially, but physically), I somehow forgot to turn my cell on.

Now I feel silly for even taking him seriously during that argument. Something else has GOT to be going on with him.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Don''t feel silly! It takes a certain amount of time before you can start to tell when a fight is about something insignificant/frustrating circumstances and when a fight is about everything BUT what you are fighting about. The hard part is trying to bite back your anger when the fight is happening and learning to ask, "is this really about me leaving my cell phone off or is there something else bothering you here?". It sounds like this is the first time he has ever acted this way so I can see why you would be baffled.

My rule of thumb is: if it sounds ridiculous, it probably is and there could be something more going on.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 5/21/2008 2:07:52 PM
Author: Lauren8211
LOVING the idea of the AAA membership. Funny thing is, we have our car insurance on the same policy, and i opted for Roadside Assistance. He, on the other hand, did not. So yeah, he got stranded. I do genuinely feel bad that it happened, but I told him that I''m not going to feel guilty for an oversight.


I guess the reason I''m taking this so personally is that I feel everytime there''s something I do wrong, it becomes a ''you need to work on this'' situation. I agree, you shouldnt just ''accept'' things that are wrong with you -- you should continually be trying to improve yourself. Which I do. Plus, I don''t think occassionally forgetting to turn a phone back on is something that I should really be concerned with working on. I don''t tell him he needs to change who he is so he doesnt forget to pay the bills, take out the garbage, pick up the living room, scoop the kitty litter, run the dishwasher, grab his wallet and keys, remember his parents birthdays, etc, etc, because I REMEMBER ALL THOSE THINGS FOR HIM! I guess I just accept him for who he is, and dont make him think he always has to be fixing things about himself to make me happy.


I guess between 40+ hours a week of work, full time school, and taking care of everything in the house and paying all the bills (not financially, but physically), I somehow forgot to turn my cell on.


Now I feel silly for even taking him seriously during that argument. Something else has GOT to be going on with him.

Lauren - I agree with the others that this was an overreaction and hope that you two can talk it out calmly. I''m a little concerned though that you talk about how it always turns into a "you need to work on this" situation. I know when we first started dating my DH did this as well, and it came across very condescending at times. Once I pointed it out to him, he totally "got" how that sounded and became much better about identifying when something was a serious issue and expressing that appropriately, vs. leaving it alone when its not. Maybe you and BF should talk about this part of things more too, and see if you can get at what is really going on for him behind this.

 

[choro72]

Totally overreacting. I had the exact same thing happen to me more than a month ago, but he didn''t blame me or anything. Hope your talk goes well.