Spending $ when saving for a ring.. Uggh

[katica]

So, My boyfriend, who as you may recall told me back in July (!!) that I''d have a ring "soon" has been saving money for a ring or at least has been telling me that. In the last week he took on extra work to make some extra money, which i thought would be going towards the ring. So today he said to me on the phone:
"So do you know what I was thinking of doing with the extra money?"
Me: "I don''t know, what?" (playing stupid)
Him: "I want to buy a new sofa chair/love seat"
Me: "Ummm ok" (feeling stupid)

Uggghh... we live together so it''s a contribution to our place, but it''s not as if we need a sofa chair. We already have a huge couch and don''t have tons of company over ever. So what gives? I told him that''s a good idea because I don''t want to be the dreaded naggy LIW, but inside I''m really disappointed. I feel like he''s just trying to postpone it and keep putting me off.
How would you guys deal with this? I''m really getting down over this...

 

[trillionaire]

lol, from what I had heard around here, I would say you should talk to him about it... maybe get a ''by this month'' time frame or something for engagement... that way you will not have to second guess all of his purchases. You already live together, so maybe you can just let him know that you are more interested in moving forward in your relationship right now than furnishing your place. At the very least, he will know how you feel and where you are coming from.

Good luck!

 

[neatfreak]

I think it depends on whether you really in your heart think he is trying to postpone getting engaged or if he just wants a new couch. Obviously they imply VERY different things, and I would be upset about #1 but #2 is just a guy being a guy and not realizing that it hurt you.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Why dont you just say flat out - Hey, I know we need a new sofa/love seat but I''m willing to wait on that if it means you''ll be able to put aside a little extra for a ring. Thats not nagging, its just letting him know exactly what you told us. Hes thinking of you and thinking of putting money towards something he probably assumed you''d want to put the money towards - who wouldnt want to make their home a little nicer? Maybe you just need to tell him youre willing to go without that kind of stuff in order to help him save. See what he says then, dont worry about him putting it off until he tells you hes not ready to save up for a ring yet. You never know

My SO''s been the same way lately- I told him I dont want much for christmas BECAUSE I want him to be saving up for the ring but he still wants to get be gifts or a plane ticket to see him ($$). I''ve come to realize that he has it under control and me telling him not to buy me gifts doesn''t mean anything is going to happen any sooner. He has it planned out and he knows how much he needs to buy me what he wants to buy. If your SO is the same way with his finances - kind of independent I guess I''m trying to say - hes probably saving at his own pace. If he''s saving a portion of his income a month.. then maybe he wanted to work overtime to spoil you with something, not to get any further in his ring savings.

 

[KCCutie]

I think it depends on how good your guy really is with money. My FF for example is terrible with money and he knows it. He actually likes it when I remind him he''s saving for something (weather it is a new car or a home or something sparkely

) as long as I do it nicely. I know my FF is one of a kind so other guys may not appreciate that. On the other hand, like SS said if your guy is good with money then maybe you just need to trust that he has a plan. If you don''t know which way to go sit down with him and have a chat.

 

[MissDimity]

katica : You must be a very tolerant lady. If my bf did that to me I would do one of two things:

1.give him the sulking silent treatment until he said "what''s up?" and then explain that I thought he would be saving towards e-ring
or
2. offer to pay all or half of the sofa expense and explain that you were hoping the money he had saved would be put towards a ring.

My bf has done a similar thing and has gone out an bought "expensive toys" including a 52" tv , a motorcycle and recently a playstation3, but hey, it''s their hard earned dosh that they have saved, so they should be entitled to do what they want with it.

 

[purselover]

I would just say "love seats are expensive I thought we were saving for a ring what''s up?"

It''s direct and to the point.

 

[katica]

Thanks for the suggestions guys.

Neatfreak - I haven''t figured out whether he''s trying to postpone it. We''ve already talked about having the wedding this summer and I trust him .. but then again you hear stories of other girls who have trusted their guys and gotten strung along forever.. so I don''t want to be naive and am just keeping my guard up I think. Another thing is I''ve told him that weddings don''t just plan themselves so if he wants to get married this summer he''d better get a move on it.

SS and KCCutie - maybe you''re right and he wanted to use this extra money for something else that''s special. And I do appreciate that he''s at least spending on something for our place, so it''s for both for us. In general he''s good with money and doesn''t spend on frivolous items. He just got out of paying half of his mom and sister''s rent so that''s some extra money he also gets to save now. In your case I think it''s sweet that he wants to spend on tickets to go and see him, though I know what you mean about preferring him to save towards the ring.

MIssDimity - I''m good with the sulking act (though I try to avoid it) but this week is just not the time for drama like that. He is literally working until 11pm every night and we had to take his mom to emergency this week with eye problems (she''s in danger of losing sight in one eye

). Ouch your BF has bought those things? I''d be pissed too!

Triliionaire/Purselover - I know talking to him about it would be the mature things to do but I already talk to him so much about I''m starting to sound like a broken record! I might just change "tactics" and maybe avoid talking about it and kind of pull back.. maybe he''ll notice and wonder what''s going on and hurry up! I hate games but sometimes you have to be drastic.

 

[CNOS128]

I strongly advise against sulking until he asks you what''s wrong - in any situation.
If you want to talk to him about something, it''s better to be straightforward and honest than passive aggressive.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I understand your frustration. My SO and I just booked a trip to Egypt in March. He even warned me that the trip would either lower the price range for the ering, or put off the purchase by a few months. I am certainly willing to sacrifice for a once in a lifetime vacation.

I do little things to remind him what he''s saving for. If he suggests we go out for dinner, I say, "why don''t I just make something at home and you can throw the 40 bucks I''m saving you into the ring fund?" Truth is, I don''t even know if there IS a ''ring fund.'' But it can''t hurt to remind him...

I would just kindly ask your BF if this new furniture purchase will affect his saving for your ring. If he says it will, then I''d voice your concern.

 

[Mediterranean]

Hey Katica!

Uuugh! I can almost feel your frustration through the screen, I''m sorry you''re feeling down about his inscrutability! I wonder if he knows he''s being murky and mysterious?

I''m also very very sorry to hear about his mom! I wonder if his desire to buy new furniture has anything to do with her health troubles, and that making his home a more comfortable and attractive place feels somehow soothing right now, given what he''s going through?

The only thing that gives me a tiny bit of an "alarm bell'' (if you will...) is your other post where you ask him about the ring''s timeframe and he says "When I can afford it."

That answer of his: "when I can afford it" paired with this newest statement of his: "I want to buy a new sofachair/loveseat with the extra money" makes me kind of think he''s trying to send you a message subtly, because he''s afraid that telling you directly will make you upset. Is he trying to say, with those two statements: "I will buy a ring when I can afford it, but when you see the the things on which I spend my money I hope it becomes clear that I''m not trying to be able to afford a ring any time soon."

I''m not saying he is doing this, I''m just wondering if his mind works like this (because he hasn''t really said anything clear-cut, other than he wants a sofa chair, and because I''ve never met either of you, so I just don''t know).

You say you have brought up the subject of the ring enough, and that you''d be uncomfortable pointing it out yet again. Fair enough. Now, you also say that the two of you live together. Well, that gives you a say in the home furnishings.

Although you''re not comfortable saying to him, "But what about my engagement ring?" You could probably say something like: "The furniture we have now is fine, it''s got a few more good years left in it. I think it might be a better idea to save the money for something more important."

This is a normal conversation to have. It''s your home too, and you have a right to voice your opinion about its furnishings, and about major purchases. You''re also not telling him WHAT to spend his money on. In fact, you''re telling him to SAVE it which is just smart all around. If you actually get him on board with your idea, it''s a win-win. He saves money, and you feel better about the "ring fund" should the ring''s affordability become a factor (as he has stated before that it is).

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/6/2008 7:13:20 PM
Author: Mediterranean
Hey Katica!

Uuugh! I can almost feel your frustration through the screen, I''m sorry you''re feeling down about his inscrutability! I wonder if he knows he''s being murky and mysterious?

I''m also very very sorry to hear about his mom! I wonder if his desire to buy new furniture has anything to do with her health troubles, and that making his home a more comfortable and attractive place feels somehow soothing right now, given what he''s going through?

The only thing that gives me a tiny bit of an ''alarm bell'' (if you will...) is your other post where you ask him about the ring''s timeframe and he says ''When I can afford it.''

That answer of his: ''when I can afford it'' paired with this newest statement of his: ''I want to buy a new sofachair/loveseat with the extra money'' makes me kind of think he''s trying to send you a message subtly, because he''s afraid that telling you directly will make you upset. Is he trying to say, with those two statements: ''I will buy a ring when I can afford it, but when you see the the things on which I spend my money I hope it becomes clear that I''m not trying to be able to afford a ring any time soon.''

I''m not saying he is doing this, I''m just wondering if his mind works like this (because he hasn''t really said anything clear-cut, other than he wants a sofa chair, and because I''ve never met either of you, so I just don''t know).

You say you have brought up the subject of the ring enough, and that you''d be uncomfortable pointing it out yet again. Fair enough. Now, you also say that the two of you live together. Well, that gives you a say in the home furnishings.

Although you''re not comfortable saying to him, ''But what about my engagement ring?'' You could probably say something like: ''The furniture we have now is fine, it''s got a few more good years left in it. I think it might be a better idea to save the money for something more important.''

This is a normal conversation to have. It''s your home too, and you have a right to voice your opinion about its furnishings, and about major purchases. You''re also not telling him WHAT to spend his money on. In fact, you''re telling him to SAVE it which is just smart all around. If you actually get him on board with your idea, it''s a win-win. He saves money, and you feel better about the ''ring fund'' should the ring''s affordability become a factor (as he has stated before that it is).

Ditto all of this.

 

[LoveRoundBrillants]

i know exactly how you feel, i am in the exact SAME position. My SO says hes in the stage or saving right now, and has a budget in his mind, and is on track. But he bought me a really expensive bday gift which i loved but was thinking that could of gone towards my ring. Im sure he has his finances under control and maybe hes been saving money and has a list of things that he wants/needs and the ring and sofa are two of them. Guys are more thought out then we expect them to be..hehe