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Someone''s engaged...and it''s not me

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DMBsGirl

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I got a text from a close friend over the weekend that she and her boyfriend had gotten engaged. While deep down I was super happy for her, it made me feel like crap and put me in the worst mood. My bf cou''ldn''t understand why I had a bad attitude all of a sudden.
Why can''t they just understand how hard it is to see so many others getting the one thing that you have wanted for so long. Everytime it happens to another friend it just makes me wonder "why not me?", "what is wrong with me?"
He assures me that it will happen and now has a new little line..."Everyone gets their time to shine." All I want to do it throw a shoe at him when he says that. I''m not excited anymore, there is just so much tension and bad feelings around this subject, when it happens I can''t imagine being giddy and happy.
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musey

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Jealousy is always SUCH a difficult feeling to deal with. No one really intends to feel that way, or take away from others' happiness, but I definitely understand why it feels like a little slap to not be "right there with them." I could tell you that their relationship changes have nothing to do with the pace of your own, but you already know that--and it probably won't help much to hear it from someone else.

This:
I'm not excited anymore, there is just so much tension and bad feelings around this subject, when it happens I can't imagine being giddy and happy.
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...is not good!! Have you talked to him about this? The good stuff should always outweigh the bad stuff. I know (BELIEVE ME, I know!) it can be frustrating waiting for your guy to catch up to you, but it seems like it is really, really getting to you. I'm hoping I just read into it a little strongly. If not though, you should try to figure out how to fix it--and fast! Too much of the tension and bad feelings festering for too long could really eat at your relationship, and no one wants that.

Just my two cents of course. I'm really sorry that you're having a bad LIW day!!
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DMBsGirl

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style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 160px">Date: 7/1/2007 9:12:33 PM
Author: musey
Jealousy is always SUCH a difficult feeling to deal with. No one really intends to feel that way, or take away from others'' happiness, but I definitely understand why it feels like a little slap to not be ''right there with them.'' I could tell you that their relationship changes have nothing to do with the pace of your own, but you already know that--and it probably won''t help much to hear it from someone else.

This:

I''m not excited anymore, there is just so much tension and bad feelings around this subject, when it happens I can''t imagine being giddy and happy.
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...is not good!! Have you talked to him about this? The good stuff should always outweigh the bad stuff. I know (BELIEVE ME, I know!) it can be frustrating waiting for your guy to catch up to you, but it seems like it is really, really getting to you. I''m hoping I just read into it a little strongly. If not though, you should try to figure out how to fix it--and fast! Too much of the tension and bad feelings festering for too long could really eat at your relationship, and no one wants that.

Just my two cents of course. I''m really sorry that you''re having a bad LIW day!!
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Yes I did share with him that it is just not fun anymore. He responded saying that I took the fun out of it for myself.
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ksprincess

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Aww DMBsGirl, I''m sorry. I''ve been there, one of bf and I''s friend started dating a girl in the fall, and I told bf if they got engaged b4 us I would punch him in his face. Well, after 3-4 months of dating they were engaged..and now they are married. While I didn''t punch him like I promised it was hard at first to be happy. We also argued about getting engaged, it got to the point where convo''s ended in tears and I couldn''t imagine being happy at the proposal either, just angry and bitter. Luckily after sitting down and hashing out things I feel a lot better.


It would really rub me the wrong way if he had just said I took the fun out of it myself! It can really be stressfull waiting for such a huge life change. I hope he understands that and I hope you feel better!
 

fabcrab

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Wow. I''m sorry you''re going through this! Also I apologize if this sounds harsh but I feel like your bf lacks empathy/sympathy when he said you took the fun out of it yourself. Feeling the way you do is not something that''s self-inflicted. Maybe I''m just too sensitive but that kind of comment will make me pretty mad!
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You may want to have a serious talk with him regarding your feelings and the proposal if you haven''t done so already. As musey said "the good stuff should always outweigh the bad stuff".
 

monarch64

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Date: 7/1/2007 8:32:54 PM
Author:DMBsGirl
I got a text from a close friend over the weekend that she and her boyfriend had gotten engaged. While deep down I was super happy for her, it made me feel like crap and put me in the worst mood. My bf cou''ldn''t understand why I had a bad attitude all of a sudden.
Why can''t they just understand how hard it is to see so many others getting the one thing that you have wanted for so long. Everytime it happens to another friend it just makes me wonder ''why not me?'', ''what is wrong with me?''
He assures me that it will happen and now has a new little line...''Everyone gets their time to shine.'' All I want to do it throw a shoe at him when he says that. I''m not excited anymore, there is just so much tension and bad feelings around this subject, when it happens I can''t imagine being giddy and happy.
7.gif
I totally understand where you''re coming from, nothing is wrong with you and your BF is right, you WILL get your time to shine. Please, you have to stop being so envious and focus on the good things about your relationship or you''re going to drive your BF insane as well as yourself. At least come here and vent but leave your negativity here and don''t take it out on your BF. I can''t imagine he''s personally waiting til everyone of your friends gets engaged just to torture you.
 

Sassee

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DMBsGirl -

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. A little while back in May (and a few days before our planned trip to jewellers to look at engagement rings) a friend rang and told me of her engagement. I was outwardly happy for her and wished her all the best, but I must say that inside I was feeling totally torn up. It was not one of my finest moments, but I had a definite pang of anger/frustration/envy/jealousy - all combined. And of course the inevitable also occured - the friend immediately started on the "it will be your turn next" broken record.
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I was almost ready to slam the phone down, but thought better of it and responded with the standard "oh well, you know what "Mr Sassee" is like... sometime in the future".

I am also sorry to say that I went home and was very cold and distant to my boyfriend. When he asked what was up, I explained that I felt really upset about my friend''s engagement, even though I knew I should be happy for her and her new fiance and that I knew it would be my turn one day.

It was just another example of a long list of people who got together after us and yet zoomed ahead in the "relationship" stakes. I know its not constructive to judge one relationship against another, particularly based on time factors, but most of us still do it!! I do - and it does my head in !!

So, despite the fact that I had the rational thought that "in the next couple of weeks we are going to look for engagement rings" (and incidentally, we ended up ordering one which is presently being made) I was still so cut up that someone else was going through all of that excitement of a proposal and engagement and I was still waiting!! I know that patience is a virtue, but after awhile you feel saying "well, maybe I am virtueless because I have run out of patience!!!"

BTW: I am still waiting. Apparently the ring is still being made/waiting to be made, and every new day is torture. I am trying to stay positive though and focus on other things so this engagement/proposal/ring thing doesn''t become all consuming.

I wish you the best though, because I know what a tough thing it is to sit these things out. Your time will come though
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IrishAngel7982

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I''m so sorry you''re feeling badly.
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I can understand why you feel the way you do, but please remember that there is nothing wrong with you and there is a reason it hasn''t happened for you yet. Could you look at it this way? Since a lot of people around you have gotten engaged recently, when your time comes all of your friends and family will be celebrating for you? I hope that doesn''t sound selfish, but maybe your bf is waiting until things calm down a bit so you can have your own time to shine.
Regarding his comment though, I''d be a bit irritated. Could you sit down and have an honest chat about your feelings? I''m sure you don''t want to be angry and jealous, and maybe he just doesn''t realize how hard this is for you. Good luck sweetie!
 

neatfreak

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Date: 7/2/2007 12:44:55 AM
Author: monarch64
Date: 7/1/2007 8:32:54 PM

Author:DMBsGirl

I got a text from a close friend over the weekend that she and her boyfriend had gotten engaged. While deep down I was super happy for her, it made me feel like crap and put me in the worst mood. My bf cou''ldn''t understand why I had a bad attitude all of a sudden.

Why can''t they just understand how hard it is to see so many others getting the one thing that you have wanted for so long. Everytime it happens to another friend it just makes me wonder ''why not me?'', ''what is wrong with me?''

He assures me that it will happen and now has a new little line...''Everyone gets their time to shine.'' All I want to do it throw a shoe at him when he says that. I''m not excited anymore, there is just so much tension and bad feelings around this subject, when it happens I can''t imagine being giddy and happy.
7.gif
I totally understand where you''re coming from, nothing is wrong with you and your BF is right, you WILL get your time to shine. Please, you have to stop being so envious and focus on the good things about your relationship or you''re going to drive your BF insane as well as yourself. At least come here and vent but leave your negativity here and don''t take it out on your BF. I can''t imagine he''s personally waiting til everyone of your friends gets engaged just to torture you.


I totally agree. For whatever reason, the time just isn''t right for you and him. There might be something special he''s waiting for, maybe he''s saving up for a special surprise, you never know. But I PROMISE you that he is NOT trying to be mean with this.

Just take a deep breath and keep the venting here or else you really will ruin it for both of you.
 

bee*

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I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard when you're with your bf so long and everyone else seems to get engaged before you. Ive had the exact same "what's wrong me me" thoughts-it's hard not to. I just don't understand how they can go out with someone so long and be happy to continue going out, but not wanting to get engaged. I hope that he does it soon for you. It's very hard not to have the negative feelings about it when you feel like you have to push them into doing it (Ive had the exact same feelings!).
 

emilina22

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oh my god i know just how you feel..i found out last week that a friend of mine who has only met her guy once (he lives in europe and she went to visit hm for the first time last year) and shes only been with him for a year and SHES YOUNGER THAN ME! got engaged outa the blue...i was happy for her and all im mean really i am its just that i really thought my and my guy who have been togerther for almost 6 years would be first...and well thats not hapening...

and then this weekend one of his friends got enageged and i found out another girl younger than me is also engaged ...im going to be 21...

he sometimes goesnt want to understand why i get like this...but he keeps telling me not to worry and that things will be well worth the wait...but sometimes i feel really why isnt this us getting engaged...why isnt it our turn....is it ever really going to happen?
 

musey

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Date: 7/2/2007 12:13:23 PM
Author: emilina22
oh my god i know just how you feel..i found out last week that a friend of mine who has only met her guy once (he lives in europe and she went to visit hm for the first time last year) and shes only been with him for a year and SHES YOUNGER THAN ME! got engaged outa the blue...i was happy for her and all im mean really i am its just that i really thought my and my guy who have been togerther for almost 6 years would be first...and well thats not hapening...


and then this weekend one of his friends got enageged and i found out another girl younger than me is also engaged ...im going to be 21...
These girls who are under 21 and getting engaged to people that they''ve met once... are you really jealous of them?? Really?

Besides, in other posts you''ve said that age shouldn''t matter. So don''t let it bother you that they''re "younger than you" yet engaged "first"
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I definitely know how difficult it is to fight off jealousy. But I so often see "why does she get to be engaged before me?" posts that say the girl is younger, they''ve hardly dated long at all, they''re not even as right for each other as "we" are... is that really something worth being jealous over?


--Sorry for the theadjack, DMBsGirl. I hope you''re feeling better about things today!
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TravelingGal

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Date: 7/2/2007 1:03:22 PM
Author: musey

Date: 7/2/2007 12:13:23 PM
Author: emilina22
oh my god i know just how you feel..i found out last week that a friend of mine who has only met her guy once (he lives in europe and she went to visit hm for the first time last year) and shes only been with him for a year and SHES YOUNGER THAN ME! got engaged outa the blue...i was happy for her and all im mean really i am its just that i really thought my and my guy who have been togerther for almost 6 years would be first...and well thats not hapening...


and then this weekend one of his friends got enageged and i found out another girl younger than me is also engaged ...im going to be 21...
These girls who are under 21 and getting engaged to people that they''ve met once... are you really jealous of them?? Really?

Besides, in other posts you''ve said that age shouldn''t matter. So don''t let it bother you that they''re ''younger than you'' yet engaged ''first''
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I definitely know how difficult it is to fight off jealousy. But I so often see ''why does she get to be engaged before me?'' posts that say the girl is younger, they''ve hardly dated long at all, they''re not even as right for each other as ''we'' are... is that really something worth being jealous over?


--Sorry for the theadjack, DMBsGirl. I hope you''re feeling better about things today!
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I wouldn''t be jealous. I''d be concerned about the girl''s sense.

DMBsGirl, I can understand why it would be frustrating, but try and remember that it really isn''t a race to see who can get there first. I''d say it''s like mile 4 of a marathon...if you focus on people passing you, you''re in for a long, deflating race. Focus on yourself and enjoying the pace and you will get there and feel celebratory about it - and really not care that 1000s of people got there before you.
 

DMBsGirl

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Hey guys, thanks for sharing your stories and providing encouragement.

I have talked to him about my feelings. It just seems to be very hard for him to understand. He seems to believe I should just be able to control these feelings of frustration, anger, etc and just wait PATIENTLY and happily. Easier said than done. I try to compare it to things he''s wanted. For example, he wanted a big flat screen lcd tv, i mentioned i''d give it to him for an engagement present....he went out and bought it himself. He does not like to wait either, but these stories still dont seem to help him understand. (although there''s really nothing i could compare it to with him, a tv can''t compare to a promise of a lifelong commitment.)
I''ve also explained to him that it is very difficult because I have no clue what he is up to. That he could be planning something wonderful very soon but that I have no idea so it makes it very hard. He may think i''''m nuts because he knows exactly what will happen but that the NOT knowing makes it very hard to just sit back patiently.
I will also admit, patience is not my strongpoint. I am an only child that was an expert brainwasher. I never had to wait for anything too long. My parents gave in to me pretty quickly. So I am definitely getting some karma back for that!!!
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I''ve calmed down and guess there is no option but to wait. Going crazy and acting bitchy will not make him want to propose. Í work in a school so I have the summer off, I''ll have to get some sort of hobby in the meantime to get my mind off of this!
We have a big 4th of July bar-b-q/ pool party at his brother''''s where his whole family will be and I am already dreading the questions. His family always asks and last conversation I had with his sisters in law, they were basically telling me I needed to give him an ultimatum! I guess the margaritas and pina coladas will get me through it...
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Well, hopefully I can post with some good news...sometime in the next century
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musey

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Date: 7/2/2007 4:11:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 7/2/2007 1:03:22 PM

Author: musey


Date: 7/2/2007 12:13:23 PM

Author: emilina22

oh my god i know just how you feel..i found out last week that a friend of mine who has only met her guy once (he lives in europe and she went to visit hm for the first time last year) and shes only been with him for a year and SHES YOUNGER THAN ME! got engaged outa the blue...i was happy for her and all im mean really i am its just that i really thought my and my guy who have been togerther for almost 6 years would be first...and well thats not hapening...



and then this weekend one of his friends got enageged and i found out another girl younger than me is also engaged ...im going to be 21...

These girls who are under 21 and getting engaged to people that they''ve met once... are you really jealous of them?? Really?


Besides, in other posts you''ve said that age shouldn''t matter. So don''t let it bother you that they''re ''younger than you'' yet engaged ''first''
2.gif



I definitely know how difficult it is to fight off jealousy. But I so often see ''why does she get to be engaged before me?'' posts that say the girl is younger, they''ve hardly dated long at all, they''re not even as right for each other as ''we'' are... is that really something worth being jealous over?



--Sorry for the theadjack, DMBsGirl. I hope you''re feeling better about things today!
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I wouldn''t be jealous. I''d be concerned about the girl''s sense.
TG, my thoughts exactly!
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allycat0303

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DMBsGirl,

I just did a search on your posts because I couldn''t remember how old you were or how long you''ve been waiting. Alright I can totally see how you would be feeling a little less then thrilled that your friends are getting engaged. And the " everybody gets their moment to shine" would make me want to throw my guy out a window too. So don''t feel bad about venting with us!

Have you gotten any updates on the ring search? Has it already been purchased? I think you should ask him for a timeline. Maybe that will lessen the anxiety and tension a bit for you, at least.

I agree that it doesn''t sound fun AT ALL anymore. I don''t see how you can be excited about waiting for ANYTHING. (Although I bet you WILL be giddy once it happens
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) Hang in there.
 

jennypoo

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I am TOTALLY with you, girl! I think we''re pretty much in the same boat.

I had another talk with the BF last week, this one a little more subdued than the last. I explained how important it was to me for us to "make it official" and that eights years is a LONG time to be with someone, especially someone you''ve purchased a house with, and not be engaged!

I think it sunk in a little more this time. Although during some points of the conversation, he became a little irked and said he''d save his upcoming pay cheques to buy one to make me happy. Secretly, it would make me happy, but that''s not the way I envisioned it happening!

The conversation *did* end on a good note; he told me to "have patience", then laughed and said, "Well, ok, I suppose you''ve been patient long enough!"

Later that evening, we sat down to watch TV, and he flicked it to "Honeymoon in Vegas" with Nicholas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker. Well, as those of you who have seen the movie will know, there is a part near the beginning where SJP begins to act "cold" and "distant" and NC can''t pinpoint what''s wrong. She then tells him over dinner that she doesn''t want to be his "girlfriend" forever and wants to make it official! I looked over at my BF, who was smiling wryly, and I said, "GEE, doesn''t this conversation sound familiar! In fact, it''s VERBATIM!" He laughed and replied, "Yeah, guess I picked the right movie to watch tonight!" LOL :)

Every now and then I have my "moment", which, of course, I am entitled to. It''s so hard trying to tell other people about the situation because their response is usually something along of the lines of "Give him an ultimatum!" Or, "Set a deadline of XXXX, and if he doesn''t do it by then, move on!" It''s so hard to listen to them when they''re not in your shoes. If you love the guy, it''s that much harder.

I think some of what I said, plus the movie, started to make him realize how important it is to me.

Only time will tell... but we have to hang in there and hope they have a plan!
 

rainydayluck

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Apr 9, 2007
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I completely understand where you are coming from. All of my friend have been dating for much less time than my boyfriend and I (5 1/2 years) and our arguments about engagement always end in a fight, so I have stopped trying to bring it up because I don''t want it to become an aversive thing. I feel the same way about getting engaged (bitter) after an argument, but then afterwards I know I am being foolish and get over it for about a month.
 

happilyeverafter

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Jun 7, 2007
Messages
361
I completely feel your pain and know where you''re coming from. I was stuck in the same thing for 6.5 years (actually almost 8 years, but we split for a while). I pushed and pushed for marriage until we finally broke up. We still remained very close friends and I always made it known that I still wanted to get back together. BIG MISTAKE. He always stayed at arms length - until I got tired of it and moved on. He noticed immediately and all of a sudden wanted me back, and wants to be married soon! We are currently waiting on my ring so he can propose. I have heard other stories like mine on relationship threads on the internet.

Moral of the story - if always bringing it up isn''t working, try something new (even if it seems counter-productive). He may just get worried that you''re losing interest and find a new level of motivation!
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DMBsGirl

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happilyeverafter, is that your bunny???? omg!!! it is the sweetest thing i''ve ever seen!!!

as far as my situation, i am pretty sure that he may already have the ring. He had made a recent expensive purchase and when I barked at him saying that he needed to save for something else he said "that''s already been taken care of."
Also, lately, I''ve been noticing that he has gotten different travel brochures, one for the adirondacks and another for nevada. Maybe he is planning a surprise trip? Ugh, I hope i''m not wrong!
 

bee*

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I hope that he''s planning a surprise trip for you! That would be great. The waiting part is just so frustrating!
 

In the rough

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Joined
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I def. think you should tell him that the anticipation has left the fun and exciting zone and entered the stressed and upset zone. This should be a happy time for you, and I am sorry that you have to feel this way. Perhaps if you approach him in a loving way and tell him how you feel he will understand.
 

Harleigh

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DMBsGirl...Please try not let the stress get to you too much! I am going to be 35 in a few days and everyone keeps checking my hand to see if my FF has put a ring there... I am the only single teacher (there are a few divorced gals at my school-I am the only one who has never been married) and I feel like a project to them, and it gets so hard and frustrating to deal with.

I am sending you good thoughts and hugs, and know that you are certainly not alone in your frustrations...I just vented extensively in this same forum myself last night, and I felt a lot better after realizing how many other ladies are in much the smae boat as the rest of us. Hang in there...

Harleigh
 

tiredtina

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Joined
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Messages
4
I totally understand. My brother got married on Saturday. He proposed after only 8 months. He met his girlfriend a full year after I started dating my boyfriend and they are already married. It definitely sucks!
 

rainydaze

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hi there, i am sorry for your frustration.

this may have already been mentioned by someone but i don''t frequent LIW and am not sure if it has. but i will share anyway, in the hopes that maybe it might help some of you. i know a woman who was in a similar situation, who expressed the same thoughts and frustrations as many in this thread have, and who waited far longer than she ever imagined she would, with many arguments and tears. they finally enlisted some counseling and lo and behold, he equated marriage with children! i.e. he thought that the moment he said ''i do'' they would have to start a family, and THAT was what he wasn''t ready for. so once they understood this connection on his part, and could sort it out and discuss marriage and children separately, they were able to move forward. needless to say he proposed in a fair amount of time after this discovery, and they are now married.

though i am sure this is not the case for all of your guys, it may well be for some, and it might be worth (gently) broaching the topic with him.

best wishes to all of you!
 

DMBsGirl

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Well it makes me feel lots better to see how many other people related to my situation. Thanks everyone for the advice and good wishes.
My little breakdown had a lot to do with pms, lol. I''m tons better now, went to visits my parents for a while and the time apart has helped. I realize I really need to chill out. I know he wants to be engaged, has the same goals as i do, but won''t do it if i''m acting nuts and needs time to plan whatever grand proposal he has up his sleeve. He has dropped major hints that he has the ring already, and that''s the biggest hurdle i guess! so fingers crossed for quick proposals for all the LIW''s!
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