SO FRUSTRATED!

[Larie]

Hello all,

This is my first post and unfortunately it is one of ranting. I have been dating my guy for almost 4 years now and everything is great... Except for the fact that I am embaressed by him sometimes... Well, actually just when he drinks. He is naturally a very outgoing person and EVERYONE loves him because he is always the life of the party and a truly great friend. My problem is that he can be a bit much to handle when he drinks and always ends up (in my opinion) being too loud, talking over people and not realizing when to shut up. I have talked to him about it but he dismisses it by saying that his friends know how he is and they are used to it. I also talked to one of his close friends last night and although he saw my point, he told me that no one is really offended by him and that he has good intentions (which I know). I understand that he has been friends with these people for years and years, but I just feel that as everyone else is evolving, he is "stuck" in the role of class-clown. Of all of his very successful friends, he is the most-educated, well-rounded, caring and successful one but i feel that his goofy and boisterous behavior shadows all of his good qualities. He never acts like this when we are alone and I feel like he feels obligated to be the one to get the party started, at the cost of his (and my) image. I am fine when he is just around "the boys" but he is unable to see the difference between hanging out with the boys and having a couples dinner. I would love some advice on how to handle this and I apologize for the rambling...

 

[princesss]

My guy is the same. Out of all of his friends, he''s the most motivated, the hardest working, etc...and yet, when he drinks I''m left with an idiot to clean up after! What BF and I decided on was that he can do whatever he wants when he''s around his friends, since they get it and him and don''t mind. However, when we''re with my friends or out to dinner he barely drinks because he knows how stressed out I get when I have to take care of him. It did take once or twice with me being very firm, and he had to really screw up once to see how hurt/disappointed I was (he took me to a party, got drunk and ignored me all night. His best friend was the one that made sure I was safe/had a good time)...I think that''s really what made the difference.

I think it''s important for him to have a space and people where he can act like that, but you need to make it clear how unhappy it makes you under certain circumstances. If you''re lucky, he''ll see how much happier you are when he''s not being ridiculous (loud, drunk, etc) and slowly stop doing it in other circumstances, too.

 

[Larie]

Princesss,

I really appreciate your response... It is good to know that I am not the only person with this problem. He is very receptive to my wants/needs and I feel that your suggestion is perfect. I realize that he needs his time to have fun and relax, but there is a time and place for him to act like a monkey!

Thank you again for your response!

 

[princesss]

Of course! I''m glad I could help.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

What I'm hearing is that your bf's drinking bothers you, you've told him, and he doesn't care. That would not fly with me. Are you ok with him completely disregarding your concerns? Is alcohol abuse in his family? Has he ever had to be the designated driver when you go out? It's a big red flag (imo) when someone needs to drink in order to be the 'life of the party' especially when the significant other is communicating that's it annoying and embarrassing...not to mention any safety issues that may arise. I'm sure a few more PSers will chime in, but you need to get it through your guy's head that this is NOT OK. And if you see it as a problem, I hope you don't allow it in your life. Good luck.

 

[bee*]

Date: 6/15/2007 1:49:55 PM
Author: IrishAngel
What I''m hearing is that your bf''s drinking bothers you, you''ve told him, and he doesn''t care. That would not fly with me. Are you ok with him completely disregarding your concerns? Is alcohol abuse in his family? Has he ever had to be the designated driver when you go out? It''s a big red flag (imo) when someone needs to drink in order to be the ''life of the party'' especially when the significant other is communicating that''s it annoying and embarrassing...not to mention any safety issues that may arise. I''m sure a few more PSers will chime in, but you need to get it through your guy''s head that this is NOT OK. And if you see it as a problem, I hope you don''t allow it in your life. Good luck.

I agree with this-drink is one of those things that always raises a red flag with me, even if they''re not a full out alcoholic. He shouldn''t need drink to enjoy himself with his friends and if it''s getting to the point where it is causing problems with gf''s, then I think it''s gone too far.

 

[Delster]

Date: 6/15/2007 12:40:46 PM
Author:Larie
Hello all,


This is my first post and unfortunately it is one of ranting. I have been dating my guy for almost 4 years now and everything is great... Except for the fact that I am embaressed by him sometimes... Well, actually just when he drinks. He is naturally a very outgoing person and EVERYONE loves him because he is always the life of the party and a truly great friend. My problem is that he can be a bit much to handle when he drinks and always ends up (in my opinion) being too loud, talking over people and not realizing when to shut up. I have talked to him about it but he dismisses it by saying that his friends know how he is and they are used to it. I also talked to one of his close friends last night and although he saw my point, he told me that no one is really offended by him and that he has good intentions (which I know). I understand that he has been friends with these people for years and years, but I just feel that as everyone else is evolving, he is ''stuck'' in the role of class-clown. Of all of his very successful friends, he is the most-educated, well-rounded, caring and successful one but i feel that his goofy and boisterous behavior shadows all of his good qualities. He never acts like this when we are alone and I feel like he feels obligated to be the one to get the party started, at the cost of his (and my) image. I am fine when he is just around ''the boys'' but he is unable to see the difference between hanging out with the boys and having a couples dinner. I would love some advice on how to handle this and I apologize for the rambling...

Hi Larie

You are absolutely right, it is one thing to be boisterous on a boys'' night out but a couple''s dinner or a family wedding or a work function is a whole other matter. Has he thought about how he comes across to people who are not his best boy buddies?

 

[Stephanie]

Hi!!

This is a very, very sensitvie area to get into. We my friends brought this specific topic up to a friend of ours, he completely just cut us out of his life for a long period of time. I honestly don''t have any other advice than what has been said (about talking with him.) But just make sure that you let him know that you are fine with him wanting to be himself, just let him know that there is a time and a place for his behavior.

Good luck!

 

[Haven]

I absolutely agree with IrishAngel, here. To add a bit, it sounds like your bf may have an alcohol abuse problem, especially if he loses control of his behavior when he drinks. As a former college student myself, I realize that the drinking culture seems to accept this kind of binge drinking and outrageous behavior, however this does not mean it is healthy.

Please consider seeking help for your bf, and as Irish said--you do not need to allow this kind of behavior in your life.

May I ask--how old are you two? I''m curious about how long he''s been drinking, and if his drinking behavior has changed over the years.

Best of luck to you.

 

[neatfreak]

I agree with Irish too. Sounds like he''s not respecting YOU enough to be willing to modify his behavior, which worries me with something like drinking.

 

[Larie]

Thank you all for being so concerned... I should let everyone know that he does not need to drink in order to be the life of the party... He is naturally very outgoing, but alcohol increases this trait and makes him very friendly and LOUD... He has never been mean when he drinks but I get embaressed when people who do not know us very well see him acting like a frat boy. As I stated before, he is a very caring, successful and motivated person and I really feel like we have a great relationship but this is bothering me. I plan on talking to him tonight about it and will update you on what happens. HAVEN- Just to let you know, he is 35 and I am 24. Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

-Larie

 

[Larie]

UPDATE: So I spoke with him about the issue and we have decided that 1 cocktail in social settings is a good limit. He said that he really did not know that it was bothering me so much and that he felt really bad for making me so upset. I do not believe that he is or is even close to an alcoholic (I should know, my Dad is one.) During this day I realized that I am very sensitive to the issue of alcohol abuse and that I reacted the way that I did toward him because growing up, I saw my Dad drink himself to near-death. I cannot believe that this did not register before. I am very blessed to have someone like my boyfriend in my life and am happy that he is receptive to my feelings. Thank you all for being so compassionate and concerned.

-Larie

 

[matildawong]

I''m glad you spoke to him. I''m glad it seems like it worked so far!

 

[Haven]

Larie--That''s great news! I''m so glad to hear your talk went well.

 

[Delster]

Larie, well done to both of you for talking about this and I''m so glad it went well. Great news!

 

[Pandora II]

At his age that is a huge enormous red flag to me.

I spent/wasted 7 years of my life with a guy who was exactly like the person you describe in your OP. The day I walked out the door I did the best thing I''ve ever done.

Be very careful you''re not being blind to the situation - I was for 4 years till it got so bad I could no longer hide the fact I was dating a full blown alcoholic.

I would want to see him stay 100% sober for 6 months.