Smoking SO??

[vita*dolce]

any of you ladies have a problem with your SO smoking??

i''ve lately told my boyfriend that it''s really important to me that he stop smoking, so he''s trying to, but he''s definitely not happy about it, and now i feel bad that i''m trying to "change" him... do any of you have any thoughts? is it out of line for me to ask him to quit?

 

[JulieN]

If it's really important to you, then I would tell you to move on/forget about trying to change him. If you merely prefer, it's ok...but no one wants to be with a nag...or be one!

my BF's dad and his wife have a deal: he's going to quit if she wears heels.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''ve had the reverse issue with my SO. It''s me who is trying to quit smoking. I smoked so much before he came along and then one night we talked about how it wasn''t the actual smoking that bothered him, it was the fact that he didn''t want to outlive me by 20 years or what have you. So I''ve been making a conscience effort to stop for him and he helps me by preoccupying me when I get a craving. I went from smoking a pack every 2 days to smoking once or twice a week in 4 months!!! I think you should just sit down and talk to him about it. He''ll be a little defensive about it at first (I know I was for sure) but hopefully he''ll come around. Hope this helps.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 9/11/2008 7:27:47 PM
Author: JulieN
If it''s really important to you, then I would tell you to move on/forget about trying to change him. If you merely prefer, it''s ok...but no one wants to be with a nag...or be one!


my BF''s dad and his wife have a deal: he''s going to quit if she wears heels.

When it''s a health issue, sometimes it is ok to "nag" especially if you really love them and just want the best for them. You don''t simply pick up and move on because they have a bad habit, you talk to them about it.

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 9/11/2008 7:30:58 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 9/11/2008 7:27:47 PM

Author: JulieN

If it''s really important to you, then I would tell you to move on/forget about trying to change him. If you merely prefer, it''s ok...but no one wants to be with a nag...or be one!



my BF''s dad and his wife have a deal: he''s going to quit if she wears heels.

When it''s a health issue, sometimes it is ok to ''nag'' especially if you really love them and just want the best for them. You don''t simply pick up and move on because they have a bad habit, you talk to them about it.

this set of responses is really helpful!! i definitely don''t like being a nag. my dad''s two best friends died last year, both smokers, both lung cancer. they both left widows, and they''re all only in their fifties. it made me really think about our future... when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that to be as long as possible.

 

[jcarlylew]

vita - you and i are in the same boat. I've told E that i dont like the fact that he smokes. besides money reason, i too don't want to outlive him. But, i told him that i will be considerate when i voice my concerns... HOWEVER when we have children, he's quitting. since he's considerate enough to not smoke around children and preggers, i know he can quit.

Its kinda like pick and chose your battles. My friends once said to me that i shouldnt settle, but if the WORSE thing he does is smoke, how is that settling. IMO i think settleing would fall under staying with an old boyf becuase i was afraid of change regardless that he treated me like poop.

anyways, you can help him quit without being a nag. its simple - don't nag! dont start arguments or say "i thought i told you too..." that will definately lead to resentment.

ETA - i dont want anyone to think i am OK with him smoking. I'm not. but i know with E that if i am "mothering" him, then resentment will grow only worse. He knows i want him to quit for him, not just for me, or our future. After losing two grandparents to smoking/cancer, i know how deadly it is

 

[star sparkle]

FI used to smoke when we first started dating and I flat out told him that he would either have to quit, or I couldn''t continue the relationship (I have asthma and bad allergies, and the smell of cigarette smoke really aggravates me).

Needless to say, he quit and hasn''t smoked in over 4 years! He says that now, even he is grossed out by cigarettes and second-hand smoke.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

As an ex-smoker, let me tell you...quitting is easier said than done.

My DH put up with my smoking for a couple of years, but we made a pact that when we started trying to concieve, I would quit.

I still miss is terribly, but I don''t want to disappointment him.

I would continue to suggest his quitting, but understand this is an addiction and not something you can just walk away from. Be patient with him, and supportive. But remember, no matter what you say, its his choice....

 

[radiantquest]

when me and mine met we both smoked. he smoked in the house and when i moved in i did too. i quit smoking a year ago in july and he has yet to quit. he is now smoking outside. im hoping that when it gets cold outside that he will quit. i dont like it, but i can understand him having a hard time quitting.

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/11/2008 7:30:58 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 9/11/2008 7:27:47 PM
Author: JulieN
If it''s really important to you, then I would tell you to move on/forget about trying to change him. If you merely prefer, it''s ok...but no one wants to be with a nag...or be one!


my BF''s dad and his wife have a deal: he''s going to quit if she wears heels.

When it''s a health issue, sometimes it is ok to ''nag'' especially if you really love them and just want the best for them. You don''t simply pick up and move on because they have a bad habit, you talk to them about it.

Ditto. I think leavning an otherwise good relationship for fear of ''changing him'' is a bit extreme. I don''t think she''s being a nag for wanting him to quit and expressing that. Everybody knows smoking is bad - including the BF, as much as he might enjoy it. He may not be happy about quitting now.... but he might really be thanking her a few years down the road. Quitting could only have positive benefits for both him, her, and their future.

 

[JSM]

My fiance smokes.

I hate it I hate it. He knows it. He's cut back a lot, but he is honest with me and has said he doesn't want to quit.

It's hard because I grew up in the "Smoking is bad!" mentality. He is from a small town where EVERYONE smokes. It just plain isn't seen as a negative. He's addicted.

He said someday he might try. But I have to cope with the fact that he probably never will (until he dad dies from it, but that's a whole different story). It came to the point where I had to come to terms with it - or break up with him. I decided to stay because we really are great partners, and I can't see myself with anyone else but him.

However, he doesn't smoke in the house, car (whether I'm in it or not), or in the general vicinity of where I can see him. It's much easier this way, because if I don't see him do it, then it doesn't bother me as much.

He's a good man, but not without flaws.

ETA: I don't nag him about it. He knows how I feel.

 

[blondebunny]

my FF used to smoke... I told him that if he wanted to be my BF he needed to quit bcuz 1.. Im allergic to it, and 2..its disguisting to kiss someone with smokey breathe.. 3.. its nice if u want to kill urself, but its not okay to kill me with second hand.

so i have a VERY strong hate for smoke... I get sick JUST sitting next to someone who smells like it...

 

[Hera]

I told my husband that I would not marry him unless he quit smoking. He was almost up to 2 packs a day and he was hacking all of the time at the tender age of 22. He quit for the most part. Every few years, I catch him but then he goes back to quitting. I don''t care about a cigarette every once in a while, as long as I know he''s not smoking all of the time.

 

[vita*dolce]

thank you all so much for your responses!!! i''ll definitely try to be patient with him, it''s good to hear that other people have this concern, too!! hopefully he''ll be successful in trying to quit this time, if not we may be revisiting this thread and trying to find some sort of middle ground.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I never had a problem with SO being a smoker when were were just dating, as long as it was social and didn''t interfere with our time together... like people who need to go have a cigarette in the middle of a conversation or pause the movie for them. can you not go without a cigarette for an evening? (yes yes, I know it''s an addiction yadda yadda yadda, but I don''t care. I believe in moderation.)

Anyway, ever since I started thinking of us as long term, I did not like him being a smoker. When we first started dating, he even hid it from me because he thought I would not like it. I tasted it on his breath one day and asked if he had been smoking, and he was like, "I''ve eaten AND brushed my teeth since then! HOw could you taste it!?" I told him it wasn''t ideal, but I didn''t mind so don''t hide it! Later, I wished I had been more high maintenance because I cared about him! I never nagged him about it though. He just knew that I didn''t care for it, and he didn''t smoke much around me. Now that we are VERY serious though, he knows that I expect him to quit by the time we marry. He knows it is because I love him and am scared to death of losing him early to lung cancer. His grandfather died a few years ago from it. I haven''t said anything really except a few weeks ago when he was having a cigarette after a long time without having one, I said, "I''m not griping at you, but do you think we could be totally done with smoking by the time we get married? I love you so much." He said that he intended for it to be that way, and I know I will hold him to it if it ever comes up again.

It''s not about being a nag. It''s about having your future invested in his health and well being!

 

[trillionaire]

I would tackle it like any other problem Deal with it in your relationship, use counseling, whatever. Honestly, smoking is a deal breaker for me, so dealing with a smoking partner is no small task. I commend you. You have to make yourself part of the team, if you want him to stop, and not the enemy. If he wants to smoke, go running, or jogging, or to a baseball game. Maybe an intimate night at home. Let him see that there are alternatives.

Food is my crutch, so I understand being addicted

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO used to smoke, but he quit. We were LDR and I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not move until he quit smoking. Although I love living with him (of course!) I did consider moving away from my friends, family and job to be a sacrifice - and if I was giving up my hometown, he could darn well give up smoking. So he did.

It wasn't easy for him and he was cranky for the first while. I know he still misses it but I think he feels better physically (and the money saved doesn't hurt, either). SO and his mother both read Allan Carr's book on how to quit smoking & found it extremely helpful, so it's something others might want to check out too. I've read parts of it and it explains things very well, even to a non-smoker.


I did know that he smoked when we started dating, so I guess one could argue that I knew what I was getting into. But when we first started dating, I really liked him- to the point where I didn't want to pass him up- and yet I didn't care about him deeply enough for the smoking to bother me. As I grew to care about him more, the smoking really bothered me because it's so BAD for you. His father smoked a lot and died of a massive stroke at 55 (last fall). I started to really worry about SO's health after that.

Also, I won't marry or have children with a smoker. Having lost both of my grandmothers to smoking related diseases, it hits too close to home for me. I also strongly dislike how many smokers smoke around their children and/or spouse. I love SO to pieces, but I wasn't willing to pursue a long-term future if he continued to smoke. Good thing he was willing to quit!

 

[sunnyd]

Like Star, I''m also allergic, asthma (only when around smokers). FF actually quit before we started dating because he knew I wouldn''t like it, and I still got severe bronchitis, 2 inhalers. It pretty much sucked while he sat up with me at night while I was hacking up a lung.

So for him it basically me or nicotine. I won.

He read The Easy Way to Quit Smoking and he was able to quit cold turkey. Over the last year and a half, I could probably count the number of cigarettes he''s had using my fingers. You''re not nagging, your concerned about both of your health! He doesn''t have to be blowing smoke in your face for you to be secondhand smoking. I urge you to get the book and read it with him. And support, support, support.

He has to want to quit though, that''s the hard part. Good luck!

 

[Anna0499]

My SO smoked when I first met him & I told him upfront that it bothered me. He stopped cold turkey after about a month. I realize this is a rare case (my dad has never been able to stop smoking), but I don''t consider it "nagging" if you affirmatively & repeatedly push your SO to stop smoking. It''s not the same as telling him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper or to take out the trash; we''re talking about behavior that literally takes time off of your life! I wouldn''t feel bad about telling someone to eat healthier so I didn''t feel bad about telling my SO to stop smoking. I liked him regardless, but it was very important to me that if we were going to be in it for the long-run that he take his health as seriously as I do. I don''t consider smoking a "part" of someone just like I don''t consider binge drinking a "part" of someone, they are just bad habits that negatively affect your life & I did everything I could (in a supportive but assertive way) to stop it.

 

[swingirl]

I told my SO I couldn''t see myself getting serious, marrying or having kids with a smoker. He quit. If something bothers you about your SO you have a right to let him/her know. They have the right to change or ignore you.

 

[fieryred33143]

My FI smokes cigars and blacks. I don''t smoke anything at all. I knew he smoked when I met him and there''s not much to do to change him. Smokers have to want to quit on their own.

That said, we do have certain rules. No smoking is allowed in the home or even on the patio and no smoking is allowed in my car. He respects that and I actually can''t remember the last time I saw him light up a cigar.

 

[princesss]

I think with any addiction, part of it is you have to be ready to quit. BF quit smoking before we started dating because he knew I never would and never could date a smoker (I have heart problems). But as he was quitting another type of smoking at the same time, I think he was already in the right mindset.

He has concerns with my eating habits, and so I've been trying to quit the junk food for him...but it's so hard! (His concern is the same as Smurfy's SO's with her smoking.)

However, I wouldn't hesitate to nag on that. Not at all. It's dangerous, it's disgusting, and (IMO) it's disrespectful to the people who love you and want to spend their lives with you. But I tend to take kind of a harsh stance on smoking...

ETA: I will admit that he still smokes hookah on occassion (I will smoke with him, but very rarely) and he smokes cigars with his family when they get together (1-2 times per year). But in 3.5 years, he's had 1 cigarette.

 

[risingsun]

My huxband and I both quit smoking before we started seeing each other. It would have been a "deal-breaker" for either of us if we hadn't. We're both former smokers who can no longer stand the smell of tobacco and the smell that clings to our clothing and hair. I have a client who is a heavy smoker and I can smell it on her when she is still in the waiting area prior to her session. I need to find a way to address this with her. It's causing me to feel ill. There are programs and meds to help to reducing the craving to smoking. Perhaps, this would be an option.

 

[Circe]

Can I make a suggestion? Electronic cigarettes.

I smoked for 7 years, 3 of them while being best friends with my non-smoking future spouse, one while dating him, and now, almost one while being married to him. The smoking never really bothered him too much, as he said he liked the smell, but he did ask me to not smoke indoors, and he did gently ask if I really wanted to, say, smoke a second cigarette within ten minutes of the first when I was stressed ... very low-key. I always knew he didn''t love it, and I always planned to quit, but I never felt like a pariah in my own home, and I never felt irritated with him for nurse-maiding me: basically, it was an approach that gave me credit for the basic intelligence to know that it WAS a stupid habit, and sympathy for the fact that it was an addiction. And, he''s the one who tipped me off to the electronic cigarettes: he''s an engineer, and there was an article in one of his trade magazines. I quit smoking three weeks ago, and I feel just fine with these ... the plan is to taper down to the empty cartridges, and then phase out the habit completely. It''s not as cool as going cold turkey, I know, but for someone like me, it''s definitely better than the alternative of continuing to smoke actual tobacco ....

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Totally feel your pain. I love my SO to death, but hate his smoking. I mention to him every once in awhile how much i hate it and he knows..but it hasn''t stopped him. I don''t really want to pressure him into quitting because I honestly feel like its something he needs to do for himself. I''d say don''t let his smoking be the dealbreaker for you. I agree with the other ladies, if the relationship is otherwise good, then don''t sacrifice it for something like smoking that isn''t permanent. I would still encourage him to make healthier choices, but don''t shove it down his throat. For me, my SO will need to quit when we start to have children. That is the one and only time I will really put my foot down.