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Cosmo_Gal

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Looking for advice on how to cope with different sleep schedules as a couple. My boyfriend and I will have been together 2 years in May. We''ve been on different schedules for a year. We;ve had issues on and off with our sleep schedules. I need to be at work by 515 and he needs to be there by 800. I usually set my alarm for 315 and snooze until around 4. I know it sounds unreasonable to do that, but I''m a fairly deep sleeper and need the extra security. He on the other hand is a very light sleeper and gets pissed off when he''s woken up or doesn''t get enough sleep. We have 3 bedrooms in our home, 1 of which is mine to store my things in. I keep my uniform there. I try to be as quiet as possible, but we have a dog that needs to go out and cries when I wake up and start to move about the room. That''s the easy fix as we can just move him out of our bedroom. As of right now I''m sleeping in our bed alone and he''s sleeping in a chair in the living room. This makes it impossible for me to go relax and watch a little tv before work, not to mention I use the front door to leave every morning. I''m just fed up, frustrated and need a solution that will work for us. I''m too young to be sleeping in a separate bed from my boyfriend.
 

trillionaire

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FI has to be at work at 6am, so we deal with the same thing. Fortunately, I sleep through his alarm clock every morning (he snoozes like you do), but he also has a habit of coming home and napping, then waking up at midnight and staying up all night, or not sleeping until 3am... either way, it means that many nights, we don''t sleep together. One thing you can try is cuddling together for a while before retreating to separate beds. Also, maybe making a routine for the weekends... breakfast in bed (even bowls of cereal and milk). Alternately, your BF could try ear plugs, though that is problematic if he needs to hear an alarm clock in the morning. I love to wrap myself around a body pillow in FI''s absence... kind of like a surrogate body. It''s a less than ideal situation, but we manage it. We''re also very affectionate all day long. You can create evening rituals together... for example, we watch ''The Daily Show'' and ''The Colbert Report'' together most nights... it''s funny and we get to unwind together...

just focus on things that you like, and can do together, then work from there. You can''t change your schedule, but there are plenty of things that you can control that you can use to your favor.

Good luck!
 

fieryred33143

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If I had to be at work at 8 but was waking up to an alarm starting at 3:15 and for 45 minutes straight, I''d go nuts!!!

Do you have a cell phone? If so, would you consider putting your cell phone close to you on the vibrate mode and waking up that way with your clock alarm going off at 4am?
 

babycush

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I''m sorry to hear that you''re having this trouble! I understand how frustrating conflicting sleep schedules are. You can work through it!!

When M and I moved in together, we had basically the exact same situation you are in. He''s a heavy sleeper and had to be up by 4 so would set several alarms between 3:30-4, while I''m a very light sleeper and don''t have to be up until 8. That went on for about 2 days, when I flipped the handle because I couldn''t ever get back to sleep after the many alarms.

What he does now is set one loud alarm on his cell phone, and he keeps it across the room, not on the nighttable. This way, he can''t snooze it without physically getting up. I''ve made peace with being woken up once, and I can always just fall back asleep at this point (although it took a while to get used to it).
 

katamari

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I don''t think your problem is that you are a deep sleeper, but that you are not getting enough sleep. You shouldn''t have that much trouble getting up with your alarm unless you are running an incredible sleep deficit or have some sort of manufactured reliance on the snooze button. I think the easiest solution would be for you to readjust your sleeping to ditch the snooze.

If you don''t think getting enough sleep will happen, then you have to reach a compromise. To me, the best one would be for him to return to your shared bed, to not allow the dog to be there, and for you to get up on the first and only alarm. A worse, but possible, compromise might be to get a bed or television for the room you keep your clothes in so that at the very least each of you can sleep without disturbing the other. Another option would be for you to switch your shift or try to get another job.

My DH and I have had similar and different sleep schedules over the course of our relationship, and we always managed to work it out by trying to be as considerate of the others sleep as possible.
 

KimberlyH

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Learn to get up the first time the alarm goes off (I wouldn''t sleep with my husband if he hit the snooze button for 45 mniutes starting at 3:15am). Move the dog. Find a way for you to both unwind, then if he leaves the room and comes back at his bedtime you''ve still spent time together.

I know very happy couples who don''t sleep together because they simply aren''t compatible in that regard; I don''t think it''s a reflection on their, or your relationship, it''s just how things work out sometimes. Often my husband will stay in our room until I fall asleep and then move to the living room and end up sleeping on the couch because he dozes off while watching a movie. When that happens he typically comes back to bed early in the morning and sleeps with me until it''s time for me to get up (I get up earlier than him).
 

LtlFirecracker

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You would feel more rested if you let yourself sleep that extra 45 minutes rather than using the snooze button because you would get better quality sleep. You would be helping your relationship. I agree with the others. Put the alarm across the room, get up to turn it off and don''t get back into bed.
 

vc10um

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 2/16/2010 7:38:12 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker
You would feel more rested if you let yourself sleep that extra 45 minutes rather than using the snooze button because you would get better quality sleep. You would be helping your relationship. I agree with the others. Put the alarm across the room, get up to turn it off and don''t get back into bed.
This. Exactly.
 

crossmyfingers

Shiny_Rock
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Aug 10, 2009
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Sorry to echo what the others are saying... But I say, set one alarm and get up then. My BF and I are both heavy sleepers, and both of us can go right back to sleep after the other''s alarm goes off, so we''re fortunate. Even so, if his alarm was waking me up off and on for 45 minutes, a couple hours before I had to get up, I would start sleeping on my couch, too.

Have you talked to him about what he thinks could resolve this? Maybe it wouldn''t bother him if you did the snooze thing you''re doing now if you were using your phone as an alarm, either quiet or just on vibrate. I''d try to ask him what he thinks and let him know you miss sleeping in the same bed.
 

monkeyprincess

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I''m a very light sleeper, and I would have a hard time if my SO had to get up so much earlier than me. I would be FURIOUS if he was letting the alarm go off repeatedly in the middle of the night. So, I think if you want to sleep in the same room, you''re going to need to be a bit more disciplined and get up the first go around with the alarm. If that doesn''t work, couldn''t he sleep in one of the other two bedrooms with the door closed, rather than in the living room in a chair? You definitely both need to find a compromise that works because it sounds like your current situation is not working for either of you.
 

Cosmo_Gal

Shiny_Rock
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Jun 26, 2008
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Just a little more background, my boyfriend and I are both in the military so getting a new job or switching shifts isn''t really an option. He and I both use cell phones as our alarm clocks. We have been surviving this way with him sleeping in the same bed for almost 2 years. He went away for a month and when he came back he stopped wanting to sleep in the bed with me. I don''t think it has anything to do with infidelity because the intimacy thing hasn''t been an issue. Thank you for all of your suggestions. I''m going to try getting up on the first alarm and see how it goes. I''m just afraid of not waking up to the alarm. I have to drive about 30 mins to work every day so time is important.
 

ImpatientOne

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Oct 19, 2006
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1,394
Okay so my hubby is military and when I was working (laid off now) he had to get up and be to formation/PT by 6:15 so that meant a 5:30 wake up and I didn't need to be up until 8:00. He gets ready for work and I go back to sleep until it is time for me to get up. It was a little annoying in the beginning, but now I have no problems going back to sleep after he leaves. I only get a little cranky when he has training versus PT because that means he has to put his ACU's on and I have to listen to the sounds of velcro, lol!
 

sphenequeen

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Oct 16, 2009
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640
In addition to getting a better night sleep (going to bed earlier, etc.) sometimes it is something as simple as getting a new alarm with a different sound. There was a point in my life when my alarm became inneffective because I had become used to the noise it made!
 

cally

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Feb 6, 2010
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That''s a tough one, for sure. I''m a snoozer too, I just... like it that way. Fortunately, my boyfriend sleeps through it. I also put my phone under my pillow, which kind of dampens the noise for him, but keeps it loud enough for me to hear... if you toss around a lot though, that''s not a great option.

I agree maybe waking up at one alarm. Have you asked him if he has any solution to the problem? It seems like things were fine until he went a way for a while, maybe he just got un-used to it, and needs to get some more time to adjust?
 

slangofoil

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Maybe he just got used to a more restful sleep when he was away? I do think it''s odd that he used to handle it but can''t anymore.

But I thoroughly agree about ditching the snooze. I used to be a hardcore snoozer. But once I got a job that required me to wake up at 4:20 I ditched that. I have over an hour commute so I know how screwed I would be if I overslept. Waking up that early means the best method to make sure I am awake and functioning on time is getting up with the FIRST alarm. It''s actually a lot easier than you would think after you just do it for a few days in a row. Give yourself that 45 minutes of solid sleep instead of interrupted sleep.

But here''s a tip since you''re worried about not waking up to a single alarm. I have my watch set to go off at 4:18 and my phone set to go off at 4:20. 99% of the time I wake up to the watch and just turn the phone alarm off right away before it even starts going. But if I don''t get up to the watch, my much louder phone will go off just two minutes later and get me up. So you can try something like that. Combine the cellphone and a normal alarm clock if you don''t think a watch would be loud enough.
 

Chasester

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2009
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34
I'm milling around looking at proposal ideas. This one caught my eye as my GF and I are complete opposite sleep schedules. but whoa, I know how much it rots waking up multiple times. I had a girlfriend once who was such a hard sleeper she had to have 5 alarm clocks positioned around the room to go off a few minutes from each other - full blast. And that's taking vitamins every day and giving herself at least 8 hours rest. I was freaking disorientated the first couple nights.

In the end I agree, first - dog out of the bedroom, second get a fan to cover up some background noise, third wake up and stay up which requires being disciplined about when you go to bed.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Dec 29, 2006
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12,461
Why don''t one of you sleep in one of the other bedrooms (instead of having your boyfriend sleeping on a chair)?

My husband and I often sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores and I''m a very light sleeper. I love the idea of sharing a room and sleeping in the same bed, but honestly, I like getting a good night''s sleep much better.
 

Collee

Shiny_Rock
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Sep 27, 2009
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421
Date: 2/16/2010 7:24:47 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I know very happy couples who don''t sleep together because they simply aren''t compatible in that regard; I don''t think it''s a reflection on their, or your relationship, it''s just how things work out sometimes.

That''s us! We actually prefer to sleep in separate bedrooms. Of course we spend quality time together before bedtime but when tired and read for bed, off we go to our own rooms. Once we are married and have children, things will probably have to change but for now, it is what works best for us.

To the OP, I think you really need to sit down and open the lines of communication and find a mutual compromise.
 

Mrs Mitchell

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 22, 2006
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2,071
I feel for you! My natural wake up time is ten past 8. Any earlier and I have to take drastic measures to wake myself up, however long I''ve slept for. People who don''t have this problem will never understand, will think that self discipline is the answer. LOL. You don''t lack discipline, or you most likely wouldn''t be surviving in the miliitary. I did some time in the Army and I never ever got any better about waking up.

I currently have a baby with a built in snooze button - she wakes up a little at a time over about half an hour and that wakes me the same way. T''is a fairly drastic solution, though!
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For the one-time wakeup, when you really have to get up, you could try this (but you will hate it, and me for suggesting it first time it goes off):
Get an old fashioned alarm clock with a long, loud bell rather than a bleep. The sort you wind up, a metal one on little metal feet. Put it on a tin tray with other metal items that will vibrate (keys, teaspoons, whatever) and put it on the floor on your side of the bed. My grandfather showed me this and although it''s a horrible shock, even I cannot sleep again after it.
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Alternatively, if you have a radio alarm, or can use the phone alarm function this way, can you sleep with little in-ear headphones in? That way you can preserve your wake up ritual without driving your SO nuts.

I get it, though - I really do!

Jen
 

babycush

Shiny_Rock
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Date: 2/22/2010 4:12:49 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell


Get an old fashioned alarm clock with a long, loud bell rather than a bleep. The sort you wind up, a metal one on little metal feet. Put it on a tin tray with other metal items that will vibrate (keys, teaspoons, whatever) and put it on the floor on your side of the bed. My grandfather showed me this and although it''s a horrible shock, even I cannot sleep again after it.
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Jen

I agree, this will wake up anyone, but if you are trying to get your light-sleeping man to get back in bed with you, this is NOT the way to do it!! When M and I first started dating, he had this alarm clock at his place and I absolutely hated it. I''m pretty sure I told him I hated him on more than one occasion when it woke me up before 4am.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
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50,583
Hi Cosmo Gal,
Sorry you are dealing with this. It is a very stressful situation as sleep is ultra important for overall health and happiness.

One option you and your boyfriend should consider is going to sleep with your boyfriend and waking up together everyday. Meaning that he wakes up with you at 4 AM (compromise on the snooze issue and forget it- just wake up when your alarm goes off) everyday. Go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time and he can get things done in the AM that he would normally leave till the evening so he has the same amount of hours to be productive during the day but just that he is rearranging when he does things. He still leaves for work at his normal time but just has more time in the morning before he leaves and less time in the evening before he goes to bed. This way he gets more time with you and it is easier on both of your sleep schedules and relationship.

My husband and I generally do this and it works out well for us. I get up at 5 AM and have to be at work earlier than he does but he wakes up with me and we have coffee together. Then we both workout and I shower and leave for work and he can get some work done at home and then he leaves a bit later for work. Or now, he just goes into the office to get a head start on the day. We both go to bed at the same time as well so it is pretty nice. I definitely recommend trying this.

Good luck!

Melissa

ps I have one of those alarms that has a gradual light that comes on and I find it is very helpful in waking me up more gently.
 

Mrs Mitchell

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 22, 2006
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2,071
Date: 2/22/2010 9:54:41 AM
Author: babycush

Date: 2/22/2010 4:12:49 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell


Get an old fashioned alarm clock with a long, loud bell rather than a bleep. The sort you wind up, a metal one on little metal feet. Put it on a tin tray with other metal items that will vibrate (keys, teaspoons, whatever) and put it on the floor on your side of the bed. My grandfather showed me this and although it''s a horrible shock, even I cannot sleep again after it.
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Jen

I agree, this will wake up anyone, but if you are trying to get your light-sleeping man to get back in bed with you, this is NOT the way to do it!! When M and I first started dating, he had this alarm clock at his place and I absolutely hated it. I''m pretty sure I told him I hated him on more than one occasion when it woke me up before 4am.
Well, she''s going to wake him one way or the other. A steady drip/torture effect from the snooze button or a one time horror that will (hopefully) fade for him are the two options here. LOL

It sucks when sleep schedules don''t work. DH gets up horribly early and it''s taken me nearly 12 years to learn not to hate him for it. I used it to my advantage when we had a baby, he does everything before 8.30 (9.30 on the weekends). Take heart! One day your light sleeping partner might be the biggest blessing ever.
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