Should Men/Women get Married?

[Erin]

Not so much the articles themselves, but the posters below it give some great banter about whether the answer is yes or no with whys and hows.
ps the total tally of poster cumlminated to around 2:1 Women should get married: Men should get married.

http://pajamasmedia.com/2007/10/ask_dr_helen_6.php

http://pajamasmedia.com/2007/12/ask_dr_helen_should_women_get.php

 

[ChinaCat]

Wow, there are some seriously hostile men posting about women hunting for a man to control and take all of his money. So sad.

Btw, I know a couple that is divorcing and she made more money than him and he is completely taking advantage and cleaning her out. It''s not just women.

I think the posts that address this possibility and talk about how much you have to trust someone to entangle your lives in this way are very right on. And may be on target in the LIW/psychology thread. It is much more than just a piece of paper (legally at least).

 

[ladypirate]

I think another issue here that was not addressed in that article is when a woman is a stay at home mom and a couple divorces. I think in some of those cases, men feel as though since they earned the money, it''s theirs and the woman has no right to it when she worked just as hard, but in a different capacity (and one that is not monetarily rewarded).

Not that that''s always the case--I had one friend whose parents got divorced back when we were in high school and his mom cleaned his dad out (granted, she was a total bitch, so it wasn''t that surprising). It was really sad.

 

[Erin]

I think especially the second link''s comments to whether or not women should get married, there are a lot of men''s perspectives on their expectations of marriage or their (usually EX) spouses expectations and how the viewpoints ultimately were the cause of the divorce.

There''s some really good insight into what makes a marriage work, or what makes it hard...

 

[ladypirate]

That's really true--I'm always shocked when I see people getting married who haven't even discussed their expectations of what marriage is!

Part of me wonders why so many men say their wives change after they get married. Perhaps it has something to do with the idea that women are supposed to "trap" men into marriage so these women in question don't show their true colors until after they believe it's too late for their guys to get away? I think I'd go crazy if I had to pretend to be something I'm not all the time with Kris.

Another possibility I could see is people getting married before they've lived with the other person. I don't think this is necessarily a bad idea, but living with someone is very different from just seeing them for dates on the weekends. You have to put up with all their quirks, lovable and not-so-lovable, 24/7. It may be that some of the men questioned had rushed into marriage expecting it to be something it's not..? In any case, interesting articles. Thanks!

P.S. Also, thanks for the kind words in the thread Miss Erin started a few days ago--that was really sweet!

ETA: I reread the columns again and was struck by how much they seemed to paint all women as nags and golddiggers...that's one of those common stereotypes that really get under my skin...but that could also be my personal sensitivity to the issue. I guess in the second column, it bothered me that basically all her advice to making a marriage work amounted to "don't nag him". I agree that women should treat men as they'd like to be treated, but isn't that common sense? I think that it could have been phrased as advice to BOTH genders rather than just geared toward women. Women shouldn't try to monopolize their husband's time and should let him have his own interests (duh) and men should do the same. I've known way more needy men that called all the time when their girlfriends were out with friends than I've known women to do it. Also, it drives me nuts when people equate feminism with hating men or never wanting to get married or whatever. I consider myself a feminist, but it's because I think men and women deserve to be treated with equal respect, not because I think women are naturally superior. OK, rant over. If I keep going I'll just work myself up into a tizzy!

 

[strmrdr]

I know a whole bunch of guys who have no interest in getting married ever due to the reasons listed in that article.
Iv heard the same thing in person many times.

Me Im not worried about it wifey2b is the one for me and me her and we will make it work :}

 

[isaku5]

My personal view of marriage is that nobody should get married. If a person wants to marry (male or female), then consider it, but go into the partnership with your eyes and ears wide open.

I don''t want this to sound too harsh, but if you are constantling having to work on your marriage, that''s not a good sign. A good marriage with both partners equally commited to the relationship should not have to work at it. Yes, you''re two individuals with some differing opinions, but if you can''t resolve your differences and make compromises, then agree to disagree on those points.

My DH and I will have been married for 45 years in April (after dating for five years) and neither of us considers it "work". Sure there were ups and downs, some of which were very serious, and during those times we did work through them, but neither of us considers marriage as work. When we''re watching TV and there''s talk of "working at your marriage", we look at each other and shrug.

Oh, one more thing: we had our two children 14 months apart. That was tough!!! We presented a united front and I''m glad to say that they''re doing well and we''re still a very close family (in-laws included).

 

[Mannequin]

I think a lot of those posters for each article need to reevaulate the expectations they had in going into marriage. One of the most important things my mother ever taught me about marriage : Approach married life with reasonable expectations. Every day is different, and no day is perfect. As she says, some days, it''s a steak and potatoes kind of day, while other days, it''s a macaroni and cheese kind of day. You can''t expect the steak days all the time, but you should choose a spouse who not only loves you but who complements you and can help you get through the mac and cheese days as a true partner.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/9/2008 6:58:57 PM
Author: isaku5
My personal view of marriage is that nobody should get married. If a person wants to marry (male or female), then consider it, but go into the partnership with your eyes and ears wide open.


I don't want this to sound too harsh, but if you are constantling having to work on your marriage, that's not a good sign. A good marriage with both partners equally commited to the relationship should not have to work at it. Yes, you're two individuals with some differing opinions, but if you can't resolve your differences and make compromises, then agree to disagree on those points.


My DH and I will have been married for 45 years in April (after dating for five years) and neither of us considers it 'work'. Sure there were ups and downs, some of which were very serious, and during those times we did work through them, but neither of us considers marriage as work. When we're watching TV and there's talk of 'working at your marriage', we look at each other and shrug.


Oh, one more thing: we had our two children 14 months apart. That was tough!!! We presented a united front and I'm glad to say that they're doing well and we're still a very close family (in-laws included).

I completely agree! Your marriage sounds like my parents' (although they only have 30 years under their belts

). I remember talking to my mom about how they do it, and she said that the most important thing is that they just like each other. Whenever they disagree on something, they work through it or decide that it's not important enough to affect their relationship. I said something about how every relationship takes work, and she said that it's not "work" so much as it is just caring about the other person and treating them as you'd like to be treated. They've been together 38 years total and are one of the happiest couples I've ever seen.

 

[isaku5]

Your mom is a wise woman, ladypirate. Listen to her

 

[ChinaCat]

Part of me wonders why so many men say their wives change after they get married

-From LadyPirate''s post-

Haven''t you ever heard that men are afraid that the woman will change after marriage, while the women are afraid that the men WON''T change???

I''m joking, but I do think this happens more often than not.