Proposal deadline?

[crossmyfingers]

I have a timeline in my mind for when I believe BF should propose. It goes through a few more months from now. He has said getting married around May 2010 is a pretty big possibility, and that at the most it would be around the beginning of 2011. We don''t plan to have a wedding, and he only wants to be engaged for a few months, and I''ve told him I would like to be engaged at least three+ months to give it time to all sink in.

I''m not the kind of person who would give him an ultimatum. I think if my timeline passes and he still hasn''t proposed, I will have a serious talk with him. I wouldn''t leave him but I''m just not sure what I''ll say yet - something to let him clearly know how hard this is for me and that he needs to come up with a plan, basically. I''m hoping he''ll propose by then and I won''t have to say anything. But I''m a little afraid that he won''t ask by then, and I will have to talk to him, because I promised myself that.

My timeline is helping keep me patient and sane. Any time I think he should have friggin'' proposed already, I think, "Okay, well, he still has this much more time before that date..." and it seems a little better.

Do any of you have anything like this? A timeline that you''ve come up with on your own, or some other something you think of that helps keep you from going insane?

And I feel like I should say that if I told any of my friends/family about this idea, they would tell me I am crazy, but I know you all won''t. I''m sooooo grateful for that, you guys!

 

[LilyKat]

I think it's absolutely fine to have an internal timeline at the end of which you will have a serious talk with him about how he sees your future, if it hasn't come up before then. As you say, it's a way of remaining patient and resisting the urge to nag and bring up engagement/marriage at every opportunity. I agree with you that ultimatums ("if you haven't proposed by x date I'm leaving you") are never a good idea.

I don't think you're crazy at all

 

[crossmyfingers]

Whew, thanks a ton. At least one person thinks I''m not nuts! LOL

 

[starseeker]

I had a timeline: two years. He proposed after 10 months.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I definitely have an internal timeline. It''s quite a long one though, and I only kind of set one recently.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 8/31/2009 1:36:41 PM
Author: LilyKat
I think it''s absolutely fine to have an internal timeline at the end of which you will have a serious talk with him about how he sees your future, if it hasn''t come up before then. As you say, it''s a way of remaining patient and resisting the urge to nag and bring up engagement/marriage at every opportunity. I agree with you that ultimatums (''if you haven''t proposed by x date I''m leaving you'') are never a good idea.


I don''t think you''re crazy at all

Ditto! ESPECIALLY if that timeline is what''s keeping you from serious LIW breakdowns!

 

[pluck15]

I don''t think you''re crazy at all. I''ve done the same thing. Mine started out at May of 2010, but in light of recent conversations it has been moved up to sometime before Christmas this year. I think/hope it''ll happen in the next couple months, but if it doesn''t happen before Christmas, I''m going to have to have that talk. He told me Sunday night that its coming very very soon! Unfortunately, "soon" is all relative!!!

 

[crossmyfingers]

Date: 8/31/2009 7:45:35 PM
Author: pluck15
I don''t think you''re crazy at all. I''ve done the same thing. Mine started out at May of 2010, but in light of recent conversations it has been moved up to sometime before Christmas this year. I think/hope it''ll happen in the next couple months, but if it doesn''t happen before Christmas, I''m going to have to have that talk. He told me Sunday night that its coming very very soon! Unfortunately, ''soon'' is all relative!!!

Pluck, I feel like we are following one another around on the boards today, LOL! The more I think about it, the more I think it WON''T be in my timeline. I don''t know though. He''s the kind of guy that decides when he is finally ready to do something and just does it as soon as is reasonable. So maybe he''ll do that with a proposal soon? Hopefully? My timeline makes me put everything into perspective, though, and if I do end up having to have the talk with him, I know he would listen and try to explain what he thinks. I''m trying to give him space right now and hope that he just decides to do it soon.

And yes, "soon" is all relative, but hopefully he really DOES mean soon!

 

[katomm]

Date: 8/31/2009 1:40:34 PM
Author: crossmyfingers
Whew, thanks a ton. At least one person thinks I''m not nuts! LOL

Definitely not nuts! BF and I have been together 1 year and 4 months now. He has till October in my mind. I know he''s getting the ring two weekends from now so I''m hoping he does do it by October.

We''re not having a wedding either and plan on getting married before end of the year so our engagement will be short but sweet

 

[Patchee]

Crossmyfingers - not nuts at all. Internal Timelines are a good thing.... Keeps you sane and if it drags out too long you can run LOL kidding but for some timeline is everything!

Katomm - I thought you bought your dress and are planning a wedding before your engagement?

now you decided not to have a wedding?? Heck - save you a ton of cash!

 

[tyty333]

When I was engaged (the first time

) I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he knew
that I wanted to get married. I never pushed him but he knew. When my internal timeline ran out
I told him that we needed to start seeing other people. That even though I loved him I didnt see
our relationship going anywhere. As hard as it was, I decided it was time to move on. I started seeing
someone else. My boyfriend seemed confused by it at first but seem to accept it. After about a
month he wanted to start dating me again and I agreed but was going to continue dating others. I think
it was another month and my boyfriend proposed. I have to say that I felt like it was anti-climatic.
I felt like it was my actions that made him propose. I guess I could have said "No" and moved on
but I happily accepted.

So...I think its good/ok to have and internal timeline. Decide what you are going to do if that timeline
runs out. Its just so difficult when two people are on different timelines. There seems to be no easy answer.

 

[TooPatient]

Not nuts at all. You don''t want to end up like me.

I''ve got to set my timeline too. Not that I''ll tell him. I don''t want to feel like he only asked because he felt he had to.
Been 5 1/2 years. Hopeful it''ll come soon (he said he wants to go get a ring) but being realistic.

We talked a few years ago. He felt like he needed to recover from a nasty divorce he had. So he set down requirements for what had to happen before he''d consider asking me.
1. purchase a house (in his name)
2. keep going in new job
3. save up some retirement money
4. Get one of his airplanes working
5. I have to convert

Next time we talked was after he bought a new car, I fixed his credit and he bought the house, retirement accounts are growing, been at new job for several years, almost done with conversion, one airplane sold, the other being dealt with, the third waiting to be totally refurbished.
So he added:
6. I need a BA degree or higher
7. I need a higher paying job
8. his taxes need to be done
9. More a part of the community.

So, here we are today. The money for the airplane refurbish should be here in a few weeks (or less). The plans of what to do with the airplane are ready to go (it will be the perfect airplane when it is done). He''s been at his job for just about 5 years. My conversion should be completed any time. I''m registered for school. We just had 30 people over for dinner this weekend and plans for again in 6 weeks. Getting resume ready for interviewing. And I got his tax information ready for the tax guy. Expecting $5000 or more refund.

 

[katomm]

Date: 9/1/2009 9:42:29 AM
Author: Patchee
Crossmyfingers - not nuts at all. Internal Timelines are a good thing.... Keeps you sane and if it drags out too long you can run LOL kidding but for some timeline is everything!

Katomm - I thought you bought your dress and are planning a wedding before your engagement?

now you decided not to have a wedding?? Heck - save you a ton of cash!

Not exactly Patchee. Our "wedding" is only going to be his parents and my mom so I don''t really consider it a wedding. More like a ceremony of sorts. Dress will be here in two weeks, maybe three so I''m super excited!! BF has paid for the ring and it will be here next weekend.

 

[suchende]

Date: 9/1/2009 4:45:59 PM
Author: TooPatient
Not nuts at all. You don''t want to end up like me.

I''ve got to set my timeline too. Not that I''ll tell him. I don''t want to feel like he only asked because he felt he had to.
Been 5 1/2 years. Hopeful it''ll come soon (he said he wants to go get a ring) but being realistic.

We talked a few years ago. He felt like he needed to recover from a nasty divorce he had. So he set down requirements for what had to happen before he''d consider asking me.
1. purchase a house (in his name)
2. keep going in new job
3. save up some retirement money
4. Get one of his airplanes working
5. I have to convert

Next time we talked was after he bought a new car, I fixed his credit and he bought the house, retirement accounts are growing, been at new job for several years, almost done with conversion, one airplane sold, the other being dealt with, the third waiting to be totally refurbished.
So he added:
6. I need a BA degree or higher
7. I need a higher paying job
8. his taxes need to be done
9. More a part of the community.

So, here we are today. The money for the airplane refurbish should be here in a few weeks (or less). The plans of what to do with the airplane are ready to go (it will be the perfect airplane when it is done). He''s been at his job for just about 5 years. My conversion should be completed any time. I''m registered for school. We just had 30 people over for dinner this weekend and plans for again in 6 weeks. Getting resume ready for interviewing. And I got his tax information ready for the tax guy. Expecting $5000 or more refund.

TooPatient, excuse me for being blunt, but... Yikes! Your handle really says it all! What''s next??? I would be really upset about all the stipulations, and then even more stipulations.

 

[pluck15]

Here''s hoping none of us will have to have that talk and all our internal timelines will be met!!!

 

[crossmyfingers]

TooPatient, I think you should try to talk to him again. Those were several big events, and then after you tackled all those, he added more?! That''s just unfair. What if he adds more after that? What if he wants the house totally paid off, or wants you to have a PhD, or wants to date for 15 years first... Who knows?!

I would try to bring it up with him and ask why it has to be so calculated.

Thanks everyone again for reminding me this internal timeline is actually kind of healthy and not crazy.

 

[Parsley]

I completely agree that an internal timeline is a great idea! I''ve thought about figuring one out for myself, but I know for a fact he''s not ready so I don''t think trying to figure one out now is a good idea. However, I have figured out a timeline for when I''m going to figure out a timeline, haha! We both finish uni next summer, and then after that there''ll be a few months of long distance while we sort our lives out again, so getting through that as quickly as possible is the most important thing in my mind. So, I''m hoping that by Christmas next year we''ll at least have sorted out being closer to each other if not actually being there, so I can figure out how long I want to wait. Does that seem like a good idea or am I putting the whole timeline thing off?

P
xxx

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/1/2009 4:45:59 PM
Author: TooPatient
Not nuts at all. You don''t want to end up like me.

I''ve got to set my timeline too. Not that I''ll tell him. I don''t want to feel like he only asked because he felt he had to.
Been 5 1/2 years. Hopeful it''ll come soon (he said he wants to go get a ring) but being realistic.

We talked a few years ago. He felt like he needed to recover from a nasty divorce he had. So he set down requirements for what had to happen before he''d consider asking me.
1. purchase a house (in his name)
2. keep going in new job
3. save up some retirement money
4. Get one of his airplanes working
5. I have to convert

Next time we talked was after he bought a new car, I fixed his credit and he bought the house, retirement accounts are growing, been at new job for several years, almost done with conversion, one airplane sold, the other being dealt with, the third waiting to be totally refurbished.
So he added:
6. I need a BA degree or higher
7. I need a higher paying job
8. his taxes need to be done
9. More a part of the community.

So, here we are today. The money for the airplane refurbish should be here in a few weeks (or less). The plans of what to do with the airplane are ready to go (it will be the perfect airplane when it is done). He''s been at his job for just about 5 years. My conversion should be completed any time. I''m registered for school. We just had 30 people over for dinner this weekend and plans for again in 6 weeks. Getting resume ready for interviewing. And I got his tax information ready for the tax guy. Expecting $5000 or more refund.

What about your needs? If it were me I would have put my foot down after completing the first set
of requirements. Why is it all about him? I sure hope he doesnt add to your list.

 

[TooPatient]

We talked more this weekend. He actually brought it up. We are supposed to be getting a ring soon. (he got his bonus so now is the best time) Were planning to go Monday but he was sick. Dead appliance yesterday. Hoping for today. I''m going to be patient (still) until Monday. Until then I''m researching more to find the best diamond. I found my setting (Shane Co.) but want a nice diamond to go with it.

After that, it is time to realize that he won''t ever be ready. I''ll keep going in school. Get a new job. (all great for me anyway). And start preparing to buy my own house. If he decides before then, great. If not then I''ll have to look somewhere else. I''m still young enough (24) that I could find someone else and have a family if I want.

I don''t want to do what my mother did. She lived with a man for 10 years before he finally asked.

 

[Laila619]

I had an internal deadline, and my DH proposed with a month to spare. Whew

Being a LIW is hard! Hang in there.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:49:21 AM
Author: TooPatient
We talked more this weekend. He actually brought it up. We are supposed to be getting a ring soon. (he got his bonus so now is the best time) Were planning to go Monday but he was sick. Dead appliance yesterday. Hoping for today. I''m going to be patient (still) until Monday. Until then I''m researching more to find the best diamond. I found my setting (Shane Co.) but want a nice diamond to go with it.


After that, it is time to realize that he won''t ever be ready. I''ll keep going in school. Get a new job. (all great for me anyway). And start preparing to buy my own house. If he decides before then, great. If not then I''ll have to look somewhere else. I''m still young enough (24) that I could find someone else and have a family if I want.


I don''t want to do what my mother did. She lived with a man for 10 years before he finally asked.

You are ABSOLUTELY young enough to find someone else and have a family with (if you want to) - and you will comfortably be so for another 10 years at least!

I can see about 3 potentially valid reasons on his list for delaying marriage (saving for retirement, buying a house, and keeping on in a new job). The rest are purely selfish (a plane? come on) or completely ridiculous (YOU need to get a higher paying job, convert, and get a BA degree or higher - ie "improve" yourself to meet his standards) and I felt angry for you just reading it. They are excuses and you deserve better.

Sorry, don''t mean to threadjack but that list is just about one of the most outrageous things I''ve ever seen on this board.

 

[TooPatient]

Thank you. It is nice to hear that I''m not being unreasonable.

I should explain the airplane. He has a pilot''s license and LOVES to fly. It is one of those things that he defines himself as. He had a nasty divorce and the ex wound up with the freshly painted nearly perfect condition airplane. Since then he has been trying to fix up an older airplane and start flying again.
This is a borderline one for me. I don''t think it was fair to include it on his list of what he wanted before getting married (or even buying a ring) but it is a worthwhile project that will help rebuild his life and give him back part of himself that has been missing.
I''ve been very involved in dealing with the airplanes so it has been a great project to work on together and help us get closer. (And keeps him from re-creating something he had before -- makes it a thing that has memories of us instead of brining up memories of the past) Also been supportive of making it better and nicer than anything he had ever dreamed of owning.

 

[LilyKat]

Thank you for explaining TooPatient - it makes a bit more sense now. But I still don''t think you''re being in any way unreasonable, so don''t let anyone make you feel that you are

 

[AustenNut]

Sorry to continue the threadjack, but I felt somewhat reassured when I found out that TooPatient is 24. I don''t know how old the bf is, but when I around her age I probably would have had stipulations about both of finishing school (or at least waiting until grad school) and having a job with a future. Now some of the other stuff on the list feels rather ridiculous, depending on the groom''s age. If he''s around her age or a little older I think it''s pretty crazy. But if he is significantly older, then it may be more understandable.

Or it may be that the groom didn''t necessarily care all that much about the stuff on the list but used it as a way to delay getting engaged. After getting burned with his first marriage he may have wanted to make REALLY sure things would work out, or if he''s significantly older, that TooPatient was at an age he thought would know enough about herself to be able to make a lifelong commitment.

But hopefully he''s totally happy with where things are now and will be getting you your ring!

 

[Lozza]

My SO made excuses for a long time... He needed to earn more money, marriage is a stupid institution and he didn''t see the point, he was too young etc.. It turns out that he just wasn''t ready emotionally, but wasn''t even self aware enough to realise this.

We are ring shopping at the moment, with plans to marry Spring next year (Aussie time, Fall in the US). We have been together 7 years, it will be 8 by the time we marry. The waiting was very painful, but I''m so glad I did. I never had any doubts that he was the one, I just needed to wait for him to grow up (so to speak). I should also mention that we have a mortgage together and have lived together for years, so I guess I did have some sense of security about the relationship.

Too Patient, if you''re sure he''s the one for you and that he feels the same way, it''s worth waiting for him to be ready in my experience.